Monday, November 29, 2010

St. Trinian's (2007)

This movie is total rubbish. I was in the mood for a bad movie, but i'm never in the mood for something this awful. This is one of those movies that sends up multiple flares warning you that a joke is coming. And then upon the joke's belated and annoying arrival you want to take the writers of the film (it took two morons to put together this script) and drill holes into their skulls and then fill the holes with some of your own fecal matter. And only then can you really laugh.

This is also a movie that thinks itself a pretty clever little thing. It actually has a dog that is named Mr. Darcy, and that dog repeatedly humps Colin Firth's leg. Oh, so funny. Enough with the Mr. Darcy references. The entire country of England should be ashamed. The good thing is the dog is killed an hour into the film.

The one slightly amusing joke is that the artistic masterpiece the girls plan on stealing is a painting of Scarlett Johansson from Girl With A Pearl Earring (which isn't a very good film either, but much better than this horrid festering disaster - Colin Firth is in that one as well - this movie really loves to make references to Colin Firth's other work).

Most of the movie i spent waiting for Stephen Fry. His name is on the back of the DVD box, and is the main reason i bought this thing. He's in only two scenes. The first time he shows up is at the fifty-one minute mark. So it's best just to start the film at that point if you feel a burning need to watch this one. His second scene starts at the one hour eleven minute mark.

Stephen Fry actually says in the film, "I just wonder if I'm wasting myself doing this platitudinous drivel." Yes, absolutely. Now if only Hugh Laurie would quit playing an american doctor, the two of them could get back to doing some excellent comedy.

But really, this movie is just an obnoxious mess. There is a scene of the girls walking in slow motion toward the camera for no reason whatsoever. Then we see it again, in split screen. Then again, with closeups of different girls. Fuck off already. There is even a makeover scene.

If i ever meet the writers of this film, i will cut off their hands so that they will be unable to write or type any more of this nonsense, and tear our their tongues so they won't be able to dictate it to someone else. (Holy shit, they actually made a sequel to this movie.)

Saturday, November 6, 2010

Druids (2001)

Wouldn't you feel like the biggest bastard on the planet if you made a great actor like Max von Sydow utter lines like, "The magic of his death must teach us the lesson of his sacrifice"? Of course you would. And yet, that's just what Jacques Dorfmann did in the terrible film Druids (also known as The Gaul, a title which makes a hell of a lot more sense).

Druids is one of those films that's incredibly frustrating because it has some good elements. The locations are good. The costumes are good. They hired some good actors. But this is one of the most poorly structured films ever made. It seems like mistakes were made and scenes were inserted in the incorrect order.

Vercingetorix (played by Christopher Lambert) is forced into a giant battle that he didn't want. (This battle scene is absolutely awful, by the way.) He loses the battle to Caesar's army. Then there is a scene where Caesar talks about how he is sure that Vercingetorix will avoid a decisive battle. Uh, wait, Caesar, the decisive battle just happened, and you won it. Clearly these scenes were somehow inverted in the editing, and no one caught it.

A bit about the title. It's called Druids, but the druids are only in the very first scene. After that it's mentioned that they've all been killed. Max von Sydow survives, but doesn't really do anything for the rest of the film, so his survival doesn't matter. And some supposedly amazing female warrior also survives, but again, she plays no part later.

Actually, that's another truly irritating thing about this film. Vercingetorix wants revenge for his father's murder, which he witnessed as a little boy. He tells Max von Sydow that he's going to go take care of that now (it's been how many years?), and Max tells him he's not ready. He says he must take him to a great master. So Max leads him approximately twenty feet into the forest, and there she is: the great master.

We then get one of those terrible scenes where the master tells the pupil to attack, and of course the master easily defeats the pupil. Now those scenes usually lead into the long training. But in this film, at the end of the scene, the great master tells him he's ready. What? After being easily defeated? Okay, whatever.

Also, in that fight scene, she moves with superhuman speed, clearly possessing some magical talents. Then later during that decisive battle scene, she is there, but does no fighting, and is easily killed with a spear. So much for setting up that magical ability. The movie is full of crap like that.

Like right before the big battle scene, some of the women begin taunting the Roman soldiers by showing their breasts. The soldiers then break formation as Caesar watches, and begin efforts to climb the walls - not to fight, but to fornicate. The soldiers place tall ladders against the wall and begin climbing. So of course while watching this, i'm wondering, okay, what is the women's plan? Are they going to dump oil on the soldiers or what?

Well, guess what, we never find out. The battle begins, and we never get another shot of those soldiers on the ladders. Who knows? Maybe they made it over and were having their way with the women during the entire battle. Hell, maybe that was the women's plan - maybe they were just horny. It doesn't really matter, because the filmmaker tells us that it doesn't really matter.

Also, in the decisive battle scene, Vercingetorix never lifts his sword. He does no fighting whatsoever. Some leader. The only shots of him are slow motion shots of him looking around at everyone dying. In fact, basically everyone is slaughtered but him. What a jerk.

One other thing: the music in this film is seriously irritating.

Saturday, October 30, 2010

Revenge Of The Rats

What can i say about this terrible film? A firefighting helicopter pilot lands his chopper in the city and saves of the life of a young girl. For this, he is demoted from helicopter pilot to rat catcher by the city's mayor. He knows nothing about rats (though he does fire his handgun into the toilet to kill one early in the film - geez). Yet he becomes the leader of a team of rat killers, and in fact comes up with the plan to kill them. (The movie takes place over the course of three days, so this guy learns very quickly.)

The city has a garbage problem, because the garbage folks are on strike. So the rats come up from the sewers and have a bit of a celebration. Rats from different rat clans have all gathered together for some reason. Also, they have some new disease, which is deadly to humans. Also, they are intelligent (well, sometimes they are).

The helicopter pilot/rat catcher has a thing for a female doctor (who isn't really a doctor - she hasn't completed her training - but whatever, they need doctors, so...), and they go on a date and clearly have no chemistry. She ditches him before their meal even arrives (which is a good thing, because the restaurant's kitchen is overrun with rats). Yet of course they end up together. No good reason for that, really.

Anyway, the woman's landlord got the rat disease, and she brought him to the hospital. A little later, there is this bit of dialogue (as close to it as i can recall):

Woman: "I admitted a patient earlier."
Main Doctor: "Yeah? So?"
Woman: "I wanted to check on his condition."
Main Doctor: "Interesting. He's dead."

The DVD is dubbed in English, and i'm sure that's part of the problem. But really, even if that bit of dialogue had been in subtitles, it would have been just as awful.

So what's good about this film? Well, it's hilarious at times, though never intentionally so. And of course the dubbing adds to the humor. But is it worth watching? No, not really.

Tuesday, October 26, 2010


I love bad shark movies. I do. And Hammerhead is a bad shark movie. In fact, they don't get much worse.

The scientist's son gets cancer, and the scientist learns that sharks are immune to cancer. So he introduces some shark cells into his son's body. The good news? His son's cancer goes into remission in two weeks. The bad news? His son turns into a shark.

So then the scientist makes a wonderful decision. He decides to create a race of beings that are half shark, half man. The problem is he's having trouble getting his son to mate. Rather than bonking the women he's presented with, Paul tends to eat them.

Also, the scientist wants to have revenge on some colleagues for... Well, i can't remember what for. That's really not important. He tricks them into coming, tells them his plan, and then tries to kill them by feeding them to Paul. That's basically the story.

This is one of those movies that seemed to have no script supervisor. There are continuity issues throughout, and i don't mean little "Hey, his collar is now up" continuity errors. I mean huge errors. In fact, i was convinced for a long time that there were at least two shark men because Paul was simultaneously in the ocean and in a tank in the lab. But hey, whatever. Later he's in the ocean at the bottom of a cliff devouring a scientist, and a moment later in the forest. (Did i mention that because he's half man, he can live on the land as well as in the water? Yet characters are still yelling at each other to stay out of the water.)

Also, there is a character who is sometimes a hunchbacked Igor type character, and sometimes a normal scientist type character. At first he stands normally, but after two of his fingers get bitten off, he develops a hunched back. Go figure.

So what's good about this movie? Not the acting. Not the script. Not the special effects. Not the cinematography. Some of the sets are actually interesting. And come on, the idea of a dad turning his son into a shark and then trying to find him a suitable mate - that's cinema gold.

Sunday, October 24, 2010

Troll (1986)

Okay, right away i want to make clear that Troll is actually not a bad movie. It's not. But for some reason a lot of people think it is. As of tonight (10-23-10), it has a 3.6 on IMDB. That's ridiculous. This movie has so much going for it.

First of all, it's hilarious - and intentionally so. I laughed out loud many times while watching it. The scene with Michael Moriarty dancing around to Blue Cheer's version of "Summertime Blues" is wonderful. Really, it's worth watching the movie just for that scene.

But then you get to watch Sonny Bono turn into a jungle. Seriously.

Besides that, Gary Sandy is in this movie, and he's wonderful. If you're having trouble placing the name, think W.K.R.P - he's the guy that moved from town to town, up and down the dial.

Then you have Julia Louis-Dreyfus as some warped version of Titania. And her fellow SNL pal, Brad Hall, plays her boyfriend.

On top of that, June Lockhart is the sexiest older woman ever, and she has a talking mushroom. And clearly there's some attraction between her and the boy.

And the boy... his name is Harry Potter, Jr. That's right. Michael Moriarty is Harry Potter. Noah Hathaway is Harry Potter, Jr. And Harry Potter, Jr. - get this - wants to be a wizard. Some crazy bitch totally ripped this movie off and wrote seven books. But Troll is the original Harry Potter movie.

I don't want to spoil this movie for you, so i don't think i want to tell you any more about it. No, one more thing: there is a scene with monsters singing. Okay, is that enough to make you want to see it? Seriously, Troll is a really good movie. I'm not kidding.

Monday, October 11, 2010

Midnight Mass (2003)

Holy moly, Midnight Mass is a terrible movie. But it's in the category of So-Bad-That-It's-Good. First off, it's Christian propaganda wrapped in the guise of a horror film. And like most Christian propaganda, there's nothing subtle about it. It's about as subtle as Mel Gibson (remember him?). I expected characters to turn and look into the camera and say, "It's up to you to turn this world back to a God-fearing Christian world." They do almost as much.

That aside, this film has probably the worst group of actors ever assembled - and i'm including all groups of actors, even third-graders performing a grammar school holiday play. Clearly, it was some Christian group who got a hold of film equipment and money, but decided to do the acting themselves.

The two heroes of the film are Gwen, who is referred to as "the town atheist," and her friend Joe, a fallen priest. Will they both find their way back to the church by the film's end? Of course.

The story combines the vampire legends with the zombie scenario. Basically, the world is overrun with vampires, and there are very few people left. Society has completely broken down.

So how did Gwen, who is on the heavy side, survive this long? Seriously. She seems to have trouble walking. It's both hilarious and painful to watch her move on the screen. Her body seems to be going in several directions at once, and to add to that, she likes to flail her arms around while "acting." And the director (who perhaps subconsciously hated this poor woman) has her running in a couple of scenes, and walking on sand in another scene. And he has her riding a bicycle. Basically he does everything he can to make her look even worse.

Every time she's on screen, all i could think was, "How is this one of the few people who have survived?" She never sleeps. She carries no provisions. She has no survival plan. She has no place to hide during the night. In fact, she just wanders around at night when the vampires are out. She has no weapons (except of course for a large cross that she wears, even though she's an atheist - a cross which sometimes disappears for a few scenes, then reappears). And she can't run, or even walk well. She has no skills whatsoever. How has she survived?

The only clue we get to her survival is at the beginning of the film, when a group of humans who serve the vampires capture her (easily). They're about to put her in their car, when they see a more attractive blonde and decide to get her instead, figuring they can always come back and get the fat girl later. So basically the vampires aren't interested in her. Poor girl, you get the idea that no one has ever been interested in her.

When the characters aren't preaching to the audience (and even sometimes when they are), there are some hilarious lines in this film. Like this line from Gwen: "I'm okay. As okay as I can be sitting in a Catholic church eating stew." And there is a girl, Mickey, who laments that she used to think vampires were cool and that Anne Rice was cool and on and on, but now sees how wrong she was. And then she blurts out, "I never wanted to see a dead baby." Not that we've seen any dead babies on screen or anything, or that any have been mentioned up to now.

And it seems that Mickey, before she returned to the church, was involved in a lesbian relationship with one of the vampires' servants. The only thing more frightening to Christians than vampires is of course gay people. But Mickey is over that bit of nastiness and has repented.

This movie also has - and this blew me away - a musical montage scene where the priest and the atheist and a few other people clean up the church to restore it to a proper Christian place. They remove corpses and rebuild crosses and on and on - it's like those wonderful 1980s montages where in the span of one song, a group of characters completes some impossible task. I never expected a scene like that in this film.

And of course because uptight Christians are really doing their best to hide their repressed desires, there are wonderful twisted sex scenes with flagellation and cutting and fur restraints (which i totally want, by the way). Of course, it's the "bad guys" who engage in such behavior - but it's clear that the filmmakers really enjoyed these scenes. They seemed to take more care on these than on any other scenes. Ah, if only these silly bastards could admit their true desires, the world would be a better place.

This insane pile of propaganda was directed Tony Mandile, who also co-wrote the script and even appears as an actor in the film. Ouch. This is the only film Tony directed, amen. And this is the only film that Pamela Karp (who plays Gwen) ever appeared in. Amen again.

Sunday, October 10, 2010

I Know What You Did Last Summer

I worked as an extra on the sequel to I Know What You Did Last Summer. The first sequel, that is. On my voucher was the title, I Still Know What You Did Last Summer. I absolutely thought it was a joke title, and that the real title wouldn't be revealed until the film was released. I actually thought it was a funny joke title. And when i met Jennifer Love Hewitt on the set, i told her so. I joked with her about it, because of course the entire day i spent coming up with other titles for future sequels, such as I Am Starting To Forget What You Did Last Summer and What Are Your Plans For The Fall?

Sadly, that was the actual title. I didn't know it until the film was released. And then i understood why Jennifer was giving me weird looks. Oh well.

Tonight i revisited the original film. It's not terrible, but it's not all that good either. It has a ridiculous ending. How did he get on the other side of a bathroom mirror? But there are some good things about it, and there are some genuine scares in the film. I actually believed Jennifer's fear in the film. Often when people scream in movies, it seems incredibly fake. Not so in this one.

And the moment where the killer rushes at Sarah Michelle Gellar in the shop is great.

This movie is full of bad remakes of good songs. It starts off with Type O Negative completely butchering Seals & Croft's "Summer Breeze." Then there is a lame remake of the Beatles song "Hey Bulldog" - done by Toad The Wet Sprocket. Then we have to suffer through Kula Shaker covering Deep Purple's "Hush." And finally there is purposefully bad version of "Fame" by Jennifer Bland.

There was a third movie in the series, titled I'll Always Know What You Did Last Summer. That is one title that escaped me that day on the set when i was coming up with stupid titles for future films in the series.

Friday, October 8, 2010

Black Cat (2006)

It's been a while since i've read the Edgar Allan Poe story, but i really don't recall the lesbian shower scene. I should read it again.

This adaptation is as loose as they come, and it's a mess. Also, the ADR is off; it doesn't synch up with what we see on screen at the end. But by then, it probably doesn't matter much.

The ghost cat sounds like an evil sheep. I guess that's sort of amusing.

Thursday, October 7, 2010

Jesse James Meets Frankenstein's Daughter

Well, first off, it's actually Frankenstein's granddaughter. But who cares about such details? Though she keeps mentioning her grandfather's experiments, technically it is true that while she's Frankenstein's granddaughter, she is also Frankenstein's daughter. But her father didn't continue with her grandfather's work. So...

Anyway, for the first five or ten minutes, this movie is a horror film. It introduces Frankenstein's granddaughter and her brother, and tells us that they've killed several of the neighborhood children in the name of science. Then for the next half hour it's a western. We meet Jesse James, and there is an attempted stagecoach robbery. It's actually not a bad western.

Then more than halfway into the film, Jesse James meets Frankenstein's granddaughter, as he seeks medical attention for his mate who's been shot. Frankenstein's granddaughter falls for Jesse James, but he's not interested. So like any psychotic woman, she decides to have him arrested and hung.

The movie is pretty silly. But come on, what would one expect from something with such a title? It's certainly one of the oddest Frankenstein films, and for that reason, it might be worth watching. You know, if there's nothing else on. And you have a significant amount of alcohol in your bloodstream.

Dark Reel

Oh boy, Dark Reel is a complete mess. I think on the back of the DVD box it said something like, "Keeps the audience guessing right up to its twisted end." Well, that's true. But actually it keeps the audience guessing long after the movie has ended. I mean, really, what the hell was going on? Why did the killer think that killing actors was the way to get his revenge? What about the projectionist - why did his ghost show up and speak in a woman's voice? Why did the photographer suddenly blurt out about Scarlet May having a son? Why did it take everyone so long to get from Cassie's driveway into her house (she had time to take a shower)?

Well, as much of a mess as this film is, there are actually some really good performances in it. Edward Furlong does an excellent job. Tiffany Shepis is good in this too (take a look at her IMDB page - she does nothing but horror films - very weird). But the best performance in this film is that by Lance Henriksen. He is absolutely incredible in this movie. Seriously. It's worth watching this movie just for his performance.

Also, there are some good horror moments. There is a nice bit with a pair of scissors near the end. And the mask that the killer wears is totally creepy.

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Cyclone (1987)

Oh boy, Cyclone is another truly terrible film. You know it's awful when Heather Thomas turns in one of film's best performances. I found myself longing for Heather to return to the screen so we could get back to some better acting.

So what is it about? A special motorcycle that has a transformer that converts hydrogen into power. Also, the motorcycle has rockets and other weapons attached to it for some reason. Oh, and the motorcycle helmet has the ability to destroy telephone books. Very cool.

The motorcycle is the special project of Heather's boyfriend. But when she takes him to a punk club - and really, is that a punk club? With white polished floors? Heather has a line of dialogue about them needing to get there early because they made reservations, and this band "really packs them in." Reservations at a punk club? And the band is awful. And as far as packing them in, there are maybe twenty extras -- but anyway, when she takes him to the punk club, he's killed. So it's up to her to use the motorcycle. And she can't trust anyone.

So what's good about it? Well, Heather Thomas is in it. I had two posters of her on my bedroom walls when i was a teenager, and it's still fun to look at her. Though the costume designer put her into some terrible clothes. Martin Landau is in it too, but i just felt embarrassed for him (though this movie is bloody Oscar material compared to B.A.P.s, another film he agreed to appear in for some reason).

And the movie has the line, "I love it when you fuck up Einstein." This is during some strange nerd love ritual.

The rest is garbage, but it's fun garbage. The tone is all over the place. Sometimes it tries to be an over-the-top comedy, like all the scenes with the two bumbling detectives who are staked outside Heather's house, but who fall asleep (when they are woken, one says, "What was that?" and the other replies, "Loud noise"). Other times it tries to be an intense action film. It fails at both, but whatever.

Monday, September 6, 2010

13 Seconds

This is another truly terrible film. The plot, as far as i can tell, is a band called Night Gallery goes to an old silent movie theatre to record an album. But instead of doing any recording, or even rehearsing, the band members, the sound guys, and their girlfriends wander around in the dark and do drugs and say stupid things that the writer makes them say. And then maybe there are ghosts or something. Something strange in an art gallery. Why is there an art gallery? They also mention something about students taking classes there. At the silent movie theatre? Or did the writer forget that he had a character say it was a silent movie theatre? Who knows? There's a library too.

This film has the worst dialogue. Here's a scene for you:

Moron #1 walks downstairs, where Moron #2 is standing in the dark.
MORON #2: "What's up?"
MORON #1: "Not much. Hey, what's going on?"
MORON #2: "Wish I knew."

Cut to shot of full moon.

Here is some more from a little later:

MORON #1: "Hey, have I ever told you about this re-occurring dream I have? Now that scares the hell out of me." (Yes, he says "re-occurring," not "recurring.")
MORON #2: "You've had this more than once?"
MORON #1: "This is serious. This is something I can't outgrow."

Okay, one last bit of dialogue:
KARA: (sadly) "Colin, how many times have the rules been reversed?"
COLIN: "That's not important. What's important for me is going back to my room and getting drunk."
KARA: "You ever do something for so long you forget why you do it?"
End of scene.

This movie has some creepy imagery, but it doesn't matter. Not one of the characters is the least bit interesting or compelling, and no one in the film has even the smallest amount of acting ability. It also seems like all the dialogue was recorded later, and the actors were just reading from the script.
Also, we don't know where anybody is. We have no idea of the layout of the place - especially as there is almost no lighting. So no scene seems connected to any other. No character seems connected to any other. No room seems connected to any other. So while there is some slightly amusing gore, the shots that should be scary are not, because they don't seem connected to anything.
This film is a complete mess. It tries to add an explanation at the end, but by the end i had checked out completely, and didn't care. And if i had cared, i probably would have been really annoyed, because the explanation is one of those that sort of negates everything that's happened anyway. I don't recommend this one to anyone at all.

Tuesday, August 31, 2010


Wow, wow, wow. This is one of the worst of the worst. Which is shocking because it has an excellent cast: Faye Dunaway, Helen Slater, Peter Cook, Mia Farrow, Peter O'Toole, Maureen Teefy (from Fame), Hart Bochner, Brenda Vaccaro. And guess what? They all suck. Every last one of them. It's amazing. How is that even possible?

Anyway, Supergirl gets in a sphere that will take her from inner space to outer space. She's following a much smaller sphere, which supplies the power to their planet and which flew out the window. Anyway, the large sphere also miraculously contains a supergirl outfit - because she's wearing plain clothes when she gets in, but has on her superhero outfit when she gets out. This is also interesting, considering that Peter O'Toole built the sphere and was intending to leave in it himself. So clearly Peter O'Toole's character is a transvestite, because the costume includes a bright red skirt. Sexy.

Of course, when Supergirl arrives on Earth, she completely forgets about the little sphere, and instead flies around, picking flowers and whatnot. It doesn't matter, since Mia Farrow clearly stated that their world would be destroyed within two days anyway.

The first person she meets says, "You're Superman's best friend, huh?"
She responds, "No. His cousin."
Now wait a moment. How would she know that Kal-El was called Superman on Earth? And just where did she come from anyway? All we know is it's some city that Peter O'Toole's character created. And that it's in inner space, whatever that's supposed to mean. But this city isn't on Krypton, is it? Or is it? Well, whatever.

Supergirl's special abilities include being able to change her wardrobe and her hair color instantly. Oooh, what magic. So she disguises herself as a school girl with the name Linda Lee and becomes Lois Lane's sister's roommate. Why? Who the fuck knows?

Faye Dunaway plays a witch who of course finds the little sphere. So she's bent on achieving world domination...or in obtaining the affection of some landscaping guy. Two lofty goals.

So what's good about this movie? Very little. It does make fun of Jehovah's Witnesses, which is nice. One of the best things about this film is that Jimmy Olsen is played by Marc McClure, who also played Jimmy in the four Christopher Reeve Superman films.

Apart from that, there is a Howard Jones song in the movie. That's cool. And there's a romantic overnight trip on a bumper car. (Wait, no, that's no good - that's one of the stupid things that makes no sense. So scratch that one.) Some of it takes place in the Phantom Zone, which we've often heard about. But guess what? The Phantom Zone is lame. Just like everything else in the film.

But Helen Slater does look hot. So there's that.

Saturday, August 28, 2010

Shoot 'Em Up

This movie, though ridiculous, is actually quite enjoyable at times. I laughed out loud quite a few times during the film. Two people are killed with carrots. There is even a mechanical baby that comes out of nowhere (seriously, where did he get the mechanical baby?). But the best thing about this movie: Monica Bellucci wears a sexy purple fur jacket through almost the entire thing. Yes, that's enough for me.

Monday, August 23, 2010

5ive Girls

First off, i hate titles like that, where they put the number in a word in place of a letter. Like Se7en. That is seriously stupid and obnoxious. So let's pronounce these titles as they're written: "Five-ive Girls" and "Sesevenen." That's right. Those are the titles.

So, what's good about "Five-ive Girls"? Well, for those who like female nudity, there's a great scene where one naked chick (who is possessed) attacks another naked chick (who isn't possessed, but will be shortly) in a bath tub. Very nice.

Also, Ron Perlman is in it. Isn't that enough?

If not, they also have the five (or five-ive) girls wearing little school girl outfits through most of the film. So there. But yeah, it's a pretty bad movie.

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Dr. Giggles

This movie is really disappointing. But the opening sequence is excellent. Really. It has a great beginning. The introduction of the character is excellent. It has the right balance of horror and humor. It's believable. Everything about the opening scene is great.

And basically everything that follows is terrible. It seems like the screenwriter spent a good two or three months polishing off that first scene, and then spent two or three hours on the rest of the script. If you decide to rent this movie, just watch the first scene. Once the high school kids come on the screen, it's time to turn off the movie.

The Sadist With Red Teeth

Boy, i was really looking forward to watching this one. But sadly it's a bad film. A man believes that he's become a vampire after being in a car crash. His doctors want him to become a vampire for some reason. He goes to a joke shop and buys some fake teeth and then bites the clerk with them, killing her. Amazing. Later he buys a live chicken and asks for handcuffs.

It sounds wonderful, but these moments are isolated. There are, however, a few other good things about this movie. There are hilarious shots of random people with cheap plastic vampire teeth. And for some reason, there is old black and white footage of tornadoes, volcanoes and buildings being destroyed, as well as pointless shots of spiders and snakes.

This film also has the line, "We brought him here telepathically to meet one of my associates, a specialist in hypnosis, who will also be treating him."

And wait until you meet the Satan guy. Wow. What a nice red robe. What style. What great hair. And such beautiful eye makeup.

Thursday, August 5, 2010

Bloodthirst 2: Revenge Of The Chupacabras

This movie makes absolutely no sense whatsoever. There is a monster, a kidnaping, a mental hospital, a corrupt doctor, and a priest who missed breakfast. You try to figure it out.

The doctor at the mental hospital says to the cop, "But some of our patients here do make strange noises. And some of them think they're being hurt even when they're not." Ah, those rare instances when the patients aren't being tortured by the doctors.

There is a scene where an escaped mental patient talks to a key he finds hanging on a tree. Then he goes to a barn to sleep, but finds there's a lock on the barn door. "That's strange," he says. I guess where he lives all barns are left open. So he goes back to the woods, because of course that key opens the lock. What? Don't worry about it. There's a monster in the barn, of course.

Okay, if you do decide to watch this film, make sure you watch the scene where the girl is decapitated, but watch it in slow motion. The filmmakers took out her head digitally, but her hair is long, so her hair that's over her shoulders is still there even when her head is gone. It's hilarious. (And that's really the one good thing about the movie.)

This movie also has some of the worst dialogue. A guy who is attached to some electroshock machine says this: "Why do you think I would rather throw in with the two thugs you hired to carry out the kidnaping than with you, who came up with the idea in the first place?" He's a hospital employee, by the way, and he's talking to the doctor. Why did the doctor have a girl kidnaped? Who knows?

A half hour into the film we get a flashback to nine hours earlier, with people talking about a monster in the river. Laurie is a student doing a project on monsters, and then she's kidnaped. Then the cops check out the mine, which doesn't make sense because the cops didn't learn about the mine until nine hours later from the mental patient - but whatever. And wait, how would a mental patient know about a kidnaping that happened only nine hours ago?

There's also a long scene about how a priest missed breakfast. Important stuff. And where's the bloody monster? Actually, the filmmakers are wise not to show it that often, because when it is visible, it's laughable.

By the way, this movie has the worst score ever in a film. Seriously. The worst. It's worse even than that in Eyes Wide Shut.

The Mad

The Mad is a comedic horror film about a hick town whose inhabitants become zombies after eating hamburgers. And it stars Billy Zane, who also starred in Titanic. The good news: this movie is better than Titanic. The bad news: it's still not very good.

But there are definitely good things about this film. For example, the song during the opening credits sequence is totally cool. And there is Billy Zane's insane, terrified reaction to getting a surprise blow job from his girlfriend, Monica. Plus, this film has some good advice for the viewers: don't eat meat, especially if it's moving around on its own accord.

There is some painful exposition in this film, such as:
- "Better not be too hard on him. He hasn't been the same since he sunk into that terrible depression after Ruth died."
- "What did she die from again?"
- "Choked on a bone."

But there are some truly funny moments, like when they discuss the term "zombie" and whether it's truly applicable in this situation. And there's that great moment when Amy says (about her boyfriend), "When he got attacked by that meat patty, I just knew it was over."


Dreamgirls is one of the worst movies of all time. It's amazing how many idiots out there liked this film. I heard it even won an Oscar (i used to watch the Academy Awards, until Crash won Best Picture - at that point, i knew the awards were bullshit). Giving that chick from Dreamgirls an acting award is like giving Adolf Hitler a humanitarian award.

But all that aside, there is one good line in it. The girl wants to make a record and she learns that there is a Martin Luther King record being released. And she says something like, "Can he even sing?" That's a good line. The rest is shit.

Absolute Zero

There really isn't anything good about the film Absolute Zero, which stars Jeff Fahey and Erika Eleniak and was directed by Robert Lee. It is probably the most ridiculous and stupid movie i've ever seen (and that's saying something).

The Earth's polarity is changing, and so that means an ice age for Miami. When they figure it out, there are only four hours until the temperature reaches absolute zero (which by the way is -459 degrees Fahrenheit). For some reason, a few of them figure they can ride out the ice age in their lab. How are they safe in the lab? No explanation. But also, they don't even get into the lab until the last possible second. So apparently the temperature is pretty safe, and then at the very last second it just drops several hundred degrees.

And then a few minutes later a helicopter flies by to rescue them. Huh?

But there are some laughs along the way. There is this amazing bit of dialogue:

DUMB WOMAN: "There's this whole period of Argentinian art, rather dark, from about 10,000 years ago that all showed the sun falling from the sky."
DUMB MAN: "The Argentinian findings."

And this:
DUMB BOY: "You guys are running too fast."
DUMB GIRL: "You're slow."
DUMB BOY: "You're slow."

Also, approximately fifteen minutes after her father is killed, DUMB LITTLE GIRL says, "I miss him." And her mother, DUMB WOMAN, says, "So do I." (By the way, it's not until four minutes before absolute zero, that DUMB LITTLE GIRL finally puts on a winter coat.)

But the biggest laugh comes when a helicopter crashes into the building (not the helicopter that rescues them at the end, obviously). The two actors inside the building throw up their arms slowly and continue walking - that's their reaction to the building shaking. It's so silly looking - i laughed so hard that i farted.

For a movie that takes place on the beach, there is no nudity. And for a movie that is about a new ice age, there are no women in fur coats. What's up with that?

Thursday, July 29, 2010

Lewis & Clark & George

Again, i don't think Lewis & Clark & George is a terrible movie. It's just not a very good movie. But there is plenty of good stuff in it.

For one thing, Rose McGowan is in it. And she's partially naked. And when she's not partially naked, she's usually wearing a cute faux fur jacket. Okay, maybe that's just my thing.

This movie also features Rose McGowan lip-synching to a tape of "Where The Boys Are" in the back seat of a stolen car. It's wonderful.

This movie also has some excellent cameos and supporting actors. Ed Bell is in it. Anyone who knows me knows i'm a big fan of the band The Whooligans. Well, Ed Bell is the lead singer/bodhran player for that band, and in this film he plays a mailman who's mistaken for a cop.

And Paul Bartel plays a cop. So there.

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Jason X

Well, actually i don't think Jason X is a truly terrible film. It's actually pretty good for what it is. I know a lot of people don't think much of it, but i think it's a fun movie. Don't get me wrong - it's not the greatest horror film in the world. But there are some good things about it.

First off, there's good news for people who plan on living for a mighty long time. In the future, 450 years from now, all the women are seriously hot, and they all wear sexy little sweaters. So when you're thinking about killing yourself, just remember: sexy sweaters. That should keep you alive.

Yes, Jason X takes place in the future. It's the science fiction Friday The 13th. Jason in space. And why not? I hope the next one takes place in the old west, and somewhere in the background is Dr. Brown driving a DeLorean.

Anyway, in Jason X, Jason actually cuts a guy's arm off just by falling down while holding a machete. How about that?

Plus you get a scene of crossdressing S&M between a student and her teacher, which culminates in the teacher shouting, "You pass!"

This film definitely has a sense of humor about itself, and about the entire Friday The 13th series, especially in the virtual reality scene where Jason is trying to kill two girls in sleeping bags by taking one of the sleeping bags and smashing it repeatedly against the other. You can hear the virtual girls shouting, "Ouch!" Wonderful.

Sunday, July 25, 2010

New Blog

Friends have suggested that i start this blog, and i've decided to listen to them. Why not? I love bad movies. Certain bad movies, that is. Some bad movies are completely enjoyable. Others just suck, and should be ignored. The idea behind this blog is to mention that bad movies that are worth watching, and to highlight exactly what makes them worth watching. You know what i mean. Movies like The Apple. Or Neon Maniacs.

I write some movie reviews for Suite101, so when applicable, i'll post links to those articles.