St. Trinian's (2007)

This movie is total rubbish. I was in the mood for a bad movie, but i'm never in the mood for something this awful. This is one of those movies that sends up multiple flares warning you that a joke is coming. And then upon the joke's belated and annoying arrival you want to take the writers of the film (it took two morons to put together this script) and drill holes into their skulls and then fill the holes with some of your own fecal matter. And only then can you really laugh.

This is also a movie that thinks itself a pretty clever little thing. It actually has a dog that is named Mr. Darcy, and that dog repeatedly humps Colin Firth's leg. Oh, so funny. Enough with the Mr. Darcy references. The entire country of England should be ashamed. The good thing is the dog is killed an hour into the film.

The one slightly amusing joke is that the artistic masterpiece the girls plan on stealing is a painting of Scarlett Johansson from Girl With A Pearl Earring (which isn't a very good film either, but much better than this horrid festering disaster - Colin Firth is in that one as well - this movie really loves to make references to Colin Firth's other work).

Most of the movie i spent waiting for Stephen Fry. His name is on the back of the DVD box, and is the main reason i bought this thing. He's in only two scenes. The first time he shows up is at the fifty-one minute mark. So it's best just to start the film at that point if you feel a burning need to watch this one. His second scene starts at the one hour eleven minute mark.

Stephen Fry actually says in the film, "I just wonder if I'm wasting myself doing this platitudinous drivel." Yes, absolutely. Now if only Hugh Laurie would quit playing an american doctor, the two of them could get back to doing some excellent comedy.

But really, this movie is just an obnoxious mess. There is a scene of the girls walking in slow motion toward the camera for no reason whatsoever. Then we see it again, in split screen. Then again, with closeups of different girls. Fuck off already. There is even a makeover scene.

If i ever meet the writers of this film, i will cut off their hands so that they will be unable to write or type any more of this nonsense, and tear our their tongues so they won't be able to dictate it to someone else. (Holy shit, they actually made a sequel to this movie.)