Monday, July 28, 2014

Eroddity(s) (2014)

Eroddity(s) opens with a fake dictionary entry for the word eroddity, and there are already a few problems. It is identified as a noun, but the first definition is “of, tending to arouse sexual desire.” That’s the definition of an adjective, not a noun. And then the third definition is “(s) plural, consisting of, containing more then one.” I’m sure the filmmaker meant “more than one,” and I have to wonder why no one proofread the opening of the film. Also, that definition doesn’t really apply. Basically, he’s defining the word plural there, not the word errodity (or erroditys – and wouldn’t it be errodities anyway?) Not an auspicious beginning, and my expectations for this film plummet.

As low as my expectations are, they are not met by anything in this film. The movie is an anthology of gay-themed short films, none of which are worth watching. The first, “Forever Mine,” opens with a gay couple watching a porn. “I put in your favorite movie for you,” one of them says, and it’s said without humor. So the other guy’s favorite movie is a porn. “Let’s just get this over with,” the second guy says, leaning in to kiss the first. Not what I want to hear from a lover, and again it’s said without any humor or emotion. But apparently it’s good enough for the first guy.

The film then goes back to an earlier moment in their relationship, with the two walking through a park. One of them then pees. That’s it; that’s the scene. Then they’re back in bed, and he says, “You’re all I have.” He repeats it, and then the camera pans over to reveal that the other guy is now a skeleton. What? We go back to the peeing shot because certainly that’s a shot worth showing twice. And since they’re showing it a second time, let me mention this: The guy has pulled his pants halfway down his thighs. Does any guy do that to pee? It would be funny to run into this guy at one of those group urinals at a baseball stadium or something – everyone all covered up from behind, except this guy, whose ass is bare. The non-peeing guy then says, “Dude, I’m your brother.” Again, what? Dramatic music plays, and we’re back in their house and the peeing guy pulls a gun out of a drawer and shoots the other one. And that’s that. A few pointless, empty scenes and then a death.

The dead one then addresses the camera directly: “I have a bone to pick with my little brother.” This is the first line that seems intended to be funny, but of course it’s not. He continues: “Hi, I’m Corey Tyndall. And welcome to Eroddity(s).” And then he winks. Seriously. Then in voice over, he continues: “You have entered a realm where teenage boys make new discoveries behind locked bedroom doors. We take you behind these doors and offer you a voyeuristic window into the world of the young and the inexperienced.” Inexperienced filmmakers, yes. And wait, they put a voyeuristic window behind a bedroom door? The film is just this side of porn, but the performances and the music aren’t quite up to that level.

When the next story, “A Mind Of Their Own,” begins, it has its own opening credits sequence, which seems unnecessary. Aaron is an annoying guy who narrates this story. “I decided to do a little investigation,” he says as we see him doing a little investigation on screen. Note to filmmakers: Don’t have a narrator tell us what we’re already seeing. He finds a cassette tape and a note. So he goes to Orange County and meets some other guy who can’t act. It’s painful listening to them talk, partly because this is the worst dialogue in the history of film (and yes, I’m including porn) and partly because these two have no acting talent whatsoever. We then have a flashback to Aaron with a girl who has slightly less talent than the others. Shocking. Anyway, there is some silliness about a magic tape recorder that creates male lovers. The truly magical thing here is that someone was able to find a tape recorder.

Clearly, writer/director Steven Vasquez loves to see his own name on screen, because at the beginning of the next story, “Unsolved Christmas,” he has once again given himself writing and directing credits. Since he wrote and directed the entire film, it seems one credit at the beginning would have sufficed. Anyway, this one too features narration, and the narration is done as a Christmas poem, and yes, it’s as annoying as you might think. Zach spies on a couple having sex, and the narrator tells us his parents overheard his phone conversation and want to make him straight, and so they buy him a camera. There are actually some cute moments when the narrator makes suggestions for use of the camera. This is the one worthwhile sequence in the entire film, so be sure to enjoy it. Then of course he uses the camera to photograph a boy he has a crush on, following him through a park. At the end of this one, host Cory Tyndall says, “Hey, don’t look at me, I don’t write these things.” True, Cory didn't write that story. But he also didn't write the line about having not written the story. Steve Vasquez wrote that line, so does that mean he knew the story was garbage?

“The Way To A Man’s Heart” (and hey, look, more credits for Steven Vasquez!) opens with a guy going to another guy’s grave and talking to a photograph there, saying he’s sorry and that he misses him. Then it cuts to a bar where a horrible singer is playing an awful song on the keyboard. The guy meets Kevin and the two talk about how Thomas died a year ago. The next scene finds the terrible singer going to the guy’s room to celebrate the anniversary with wine. The guy asks, “Is it really something we should be celebrating?” And the girl says, “Us being together for a year and a half.” Okay, someone needs to tell this stupid girl the definition of anniversary. Apparently they buried Thomas in a cardboard box in someone else’s grave, as we learn through some dialogue in between sex scenes. Thomas returns from his grave (well, someone else’s grave) to seek revenge, his plan including a lot of cooking.

At the end of the film, the host threatens us, “Until next time.” No!

Eroddity(s) was written and directed by Steven Vasquez (I figured he’d want me to mention that one more time). By the way, the DVD includes the film's trailer, which has this ridiculous phrase: "a teen's long-forgotten past." Obviously, whoever wrote this is very young.

(Note: I posted a somewhat shorter version of this review on another web site.)

Sunday, July 27, 2014

Slaughtered (2010)

Slaughtered is an incredibly stupid slasher film written and directed by Kate Glover. The first scene takes place at a bar after closing time. We see the last patrons being ushered out and the place locked up. And then those who work there gather for a few drinks and laughs. One customer (looking like Peter Jackson) emerges from the bathroom, having had fallen asleep in there. So they make him leave, and outside he is killed.

Then on the screen it says “24 Hours Later.” That means it’s a little after closing time again. Yet the girls are on their way to work, getting a ride from Luke. Luke stops the car and gets out to pee. Sarah says, “Great, now we’re going to be late for work.” Well, since it’s twenty-four hours after the first scene, I’d say Sarah is already late for work. In fact, she has missed her entire shift. When Luke comes back, his car won’t start. Oh, come on, movie. And again the girls whine about being late for work.

Well, the girls get a ride from a dirty old guy who is going to the pub anyway. He’ll be disappointed when he finds it’s closed. But when they get there, it’s crowded, even though it must be something like 3 a.m. By the way, the girls don’t even thank the guy for the ride, so before one gets out, he grabs her thigh. Good for him.

Jack shows a new employee, Jasper, the ropes. It’s all very exciting, except it’s clearly not twenty-four hours later. We’ve been lied to. How can we trust the film at all now? As that recalled Barbie doll says, “Math class is tough.” Kate Glover, the silly bitch who wrote this film, should know that twenty-four hours later is exactly a day later, but it seems she thinks it means “some time the next night.” 

Anyway, apparently Jasper has just moved to town and is living in a creepy house. He says he’s not afraid of ghosts, and another old customer suddenly appears, telling him he will be. Well, not to spoil anything for you, but he won’t be. This film never quite leaves the bar. The promises of a creepy house and ghosts are left unfulfilled.

Well, Jack and the bar manager discover the body of the Peter Jackson clone upstairs on a pool table. They decide to call the police, then say, “What are we going to do?” And then they call the police. Also, they decide not to tell the girls. The manager says to the police: “I just can’t believe it. Sorry. It’s unbelievable.” They then lock the place up. The manager explains to Jack how to do it: “We go to each door, we’re gonna make sure it’s completely locked.” Hmm, sounds complicated. But we see them lock the doors, and it doesn’t look all that difficult. So, where are the patrons? Unless perhaps now it is suddenly truly twenty-four hours later? The girls say they’re bored. Well, is the place open or not? We saw them lock the doors completely, but now we see there are a few customers.

And apparently the pub is also a liquor store, for there’s suddenly a boy wanting to buy a six-pack. A lot of time is passing. Where are the police? Unless, could it be that the manager didn’t call the cops at all? Well, they find another body in the basement, attached to the taps. How big is this pub? The manager still wants to keep this quiet, and moves the body somewhere. More time passes. Sarah and Ash make out in the basement. And then the killer attacks Sarah. Another girl hears this, but doesn’t go for help. There are a lot of people about. It wouldn’t take much effort on her part to get help. She finally runs upstairs, but can’t say what happened. She says, “We’re all going to die,” and then goes to the bathroom. Why doesn’t she just leave?

It’s because Kate Glover has created the stupidest group of people to ever inhabit a film. Seriously. And I think it’s because Kate Glover herself has the intellect of a drowned shoe.

Well, the girl is attacked in the bathroom stall, because apparently the killer was hiding and waiting in the stall next to hers. When she screams, her friend in the stall on the other side of hers just bangs on the wall between them rather than exiting her stall, and seeing what is the matter with her friend. Again, these are stupid, stupid people. I hate them all, but most of all I hate Kate Glover, who wrote and directed this pile of shit. And isn’t it convenient that the killer happened to pick the one stall that the girls didn’t enter? There are only three stalls, after all.

Also, it’s impossible to figure out the lay-out of this location. It makes no sense. There are apparently two or three bars, a liquor store, an upstairs pool hall, a video poker room and lots of other rooms, but it’s all one establishment. You need a fucking map if you’re at all interested in following where people are at any given moment, though I suspect that the director wasn’t paying much attention to this herself. And are the doors completely locked or not? Don’t any of the patrons want to leave? Don’t other people perhaps want to come in? The manager wants to move the patrons upstairs, but they’re not interested in doing that.

By the way, the girl in the bathroom finally does go over to the next stall, but only after her friend was killed. So she sees the bloody, mangled body of her friend, and then calms down in like ten seconds and gets back to work. Really? The new guy, Jasper, says, “Could someone tell me what the fuck is going on?” Indeed. Well, Jasper, what’s happened is Kate Glover wrote the worst horror script of all time and somehow got it financed and then coerced you into playing a small part. Jasper tries to call the cops, but says the phone is dead.

Finally someone shows up, wanting to get in the bar. It’s Luke. Hi, Luke. He bangs on the door a couple of times, then apparently loses interest. Bye, Luke. Why aren’t the patrons alarmed that the doors are completely locked? The dead phone then rings, but it’s just some heavy breathing at the other end. (Later Jasper will call the police again, after realizing you have to press one to get an outside line.)

The girl sees another corpse, then exits through a door that’s not completely locked, or actually not even a little bit locked. But then she’s back inside in another room. Seriously, the DVD should have come with the blueprints of this location.

Well, the only bit of intelligence shown by anyone in this entire film comes after the girl hits the killer with a fire extinguisher and knocks him out. The guy with her tells her, “Well, hit him again.” Very good advice. Of course, she doesn’t follow it, because she’s about as bright as a moldy sandwich. So the killer gets up and grabs the guy. And the stupid bitch doesn’t even seem to feel bad. And apparently she’s the hero of this garbage. She decides to leave – finally – but is unable to unlock the completely locked doors. And finally we see the bar patrons. Get this: they are all asleep at tables in some section of the bar. Seriously. One of them wakes up and tries to grab the girl, probably to place another drink order, but she ignores him. The service at this place is terrible.

And then a little later the movie ends. It’s no surprise who the killer is. But there is certainly no reason for the killing. No explanation or anything. Apparently this is the only film that Kate Glover has written and directed. Let’s hope it remains that way.

Thursday, July 17, 2014

Treasure Of The Four Crowns (1983)

Treasure Of The Four Crowns is one of the worst of the worst. It’s almost unbearable. It was originally shot in 3D, and is not in 3D on the DVD, so perhaps a small part of the problem (very small) is the lack of that effect. But really I’m just being kind in even mentioning that.

Anyway, the film begins with a man exploring a castle. Think of the opening of Raiders Of The Lost Ark, then subtract the suspense and the humor, remove all of the fun, and put in some birds and dogs and a less charismatic actor, and you’ll have a good idea of what this is about. He suddenly does an acrobatic move, which is unbelievable and hilarious. The scene goes on and on. Apparently the basement of the castle is a haunted house from the cheapest, shittiest traveling carnival you ever attended. Nice hovering crossbows. I love the thick strings holding them in place. Do the crossbows fire repeatedly at the camera? You bet! And in slow motion. And not just crossbow bolts, but also swords, spears and maces are hurled at the camera. By whom? No idea. It doesn’t matter.

We’re sixteen minutes into the film and nothing has happened. What is this guy doing? Disembodied voices howl and moan and laugh. Perhaps they’ve read the script. Is there a script? There’s been no dialogue or anything. So far the script is just a list of objects that are thrown at the camera. This would have been irritating in 3D, but in 2D it’s just dull as shit. Who is this guy? Can something hit him already? There is a growing and terrible fear that this guy is our hero.

The castle suddenly catches fire, like at the end of a Hammer film. And twenty minutes into this movie the man exits the castle, having achieved… well, I’m not sure what he accomplished. Random explosions go off behind him for some reason as he runs away.

Twenty-two minutes into the film we get our first line of dialogue: “How ya doin’, J.T.?” So the guy is named J.T. Well, those are his initials anyway. Or maybe not, because he doesn’t answer. Twenty-two minutes in we have our first line of dialogue – a question that he doesn’t bother to answer. Great. And it turns out this jackass is our hero. Great again.

Regarding the castle, J.T. says: “That place was a nightmare. It almost got me killed.” Not really. Whoever was tossing random objects at him never even hit him. Even the large rolling fireball didn’t come close. What a whiner this J.T. is. The other guys ask if he got the key or not, and J.T. says he got it. So that’s what he accomplished in that excruciating opening scene.

Well, there is some nonsense about crowns and unspeakable power and whatever. Meanwhile, a magnifying glass and other items are passed directly toward the camera whenever possible. It's like the camera is the go-between in all hand-offs among characters. These guys treat J.T. to a slide show and a recording of some man yelling. His name is Brother Jonas, and he has the other crowns. They tell J.T.: “The sick, the desperate, the lonely. His apostles go out and round ‘em up like they were stray dogs and they ship ‘em off to his private mountain fortress.” They want J.T. to steal the crowns from Brother Jonas. J.T. says no, but we all know that means yes.

There are more props on strings when J.T. tries to recruit a drunk friend into their stupid plan. And more ridiculous explosions. And more objects are tossed at the camera. Then we have to suffer as J.T. and the other guy go about gathering the rest of the team. Then when the plan is explained – well, sort of explained – we get more crap flying at the camera. It makes no sense, and has no real bearing on anything, so think of it as a good time to refill your bong or take a piss. You won’t miss anything. (Actually, this is true of any moment in this film.)

When they get to the castle, there are random and very annoying sound effects. They indicate nothing, of course. They’re just there to irritate you.

Also, this is perhaps the worst print ever. Or did the camera crew just never check the gate? Never clean the lens? There are black blobs all over the place.

What does it all add up to? One hundred and one minutes of totally wasted time. Stay away from this one unless you’re completely stoned.  The only cool thing in the movie is the trapeze work, and how it comes into play in their scheme. That's it. The rest is just garbage. At one point J.T.’s head spins around several times, but he’s okay. Well, except half his face begins melting for some reason. This is certainly one of the stupidest films ever made. Shockingly bad.

(Note: I posted a shorter version of this review on another web site.)

Sunday, June 8, 2014

‘R Xmas (2001)

Putting Ice-T in your film basically guarantees it’s going to be bad. By hiring him, a filmmaker is giving up before even going into production. It’s like saying, “I’d really like to make a seriously awful film.” But director Abel Ferrera actually keeps Ice-T out of ‘R Xmas for the first forty-two minutes. And so after a while the viewer is tricked into thinking he or she is watching a halfway decent film.

What we have during those first forty-two minutes is a lot of atmosphere, and a nice quiet creation of tension. So you actually start enjoying the film, almost forgetting about that threat in the opening credits. Though there are lots of pointless shots during these first forty-two minutes, like a shot of Yankee Stadium for no particular reason, and some neighborhood basketball court scene. But aside from that crap you get an interesting atmosphere and two characters who are going about their business without awful dialogue telling us what their business is. Ferrara is good at that. He carefully builds a reality, and before long we’re immersed in it.

And then suddenly there he is, Ice-T, ruining everything that has been established. He plays a jerk who hates Dominicans, and does his usual faux tough guy routine. As always, it’s completely laughable.

He has kidnaped the husband. When the wife asks what he wants, he says, “I want money, and a lot of it, and you got it, and don’t bullshit me, ‘cause I know.” He’s not more specific than that. What is a lot of money? A thousand is a lot to me. But who knows what constitutes a lot to this guy? While he makes no specific demand on the amount of money, he does give her a specific amount of time in which to get the non-specific amount of money: twenty minutes. In fact, he stresses that by repeating it, and louder this time: “Twenty minutes!” So she drives off, in search of a lot of money.

When she goes to some other guy for help, the guy almost immediately asks, “How much do they want?” Good question. So she takes $16,000 to Ice-T, and he gets angry because it’s not enough. Well, maybe if he had started with a specific amount of money rather than a specific amount of time. His priorities are a bit out of whack. And besides, sixteen thousand is a lot of money, especially in only twenty minutes. So again she asks, “How much?” And guess what he says? He says, “A lot.” And then he threatens to kill her husband if she doesn’t comply. Geez, this guy just doesn’t learn. Or perhaps he just wants to play this game all day long. Though it’s also a waste of gasoline on her part, what with her driving back and forth all day with various amounts of money.

Once again he gives her precisely twenty minutes. He’s really hooked on that number. And that makes me wonder if perhaps $20,000 would be enough. It seems worth a try. He tells her, “And bring back some more money.” This movie gets more and more stupid with each syllable that Ice-T mumbles.

So she goes off looking for more money, and Ice-T returns to his hide-out. That, of course, makes no sense, because he had told her to return to the spot where she had parked her car. So if she arrives in twenty minutes and he’s not there, what then? She has no phone number for this guy. He’s only given her twenty minutes. He can’t remain in that spot for that short amount of time? Well, no matter, because a lot more time passes before she returns.

As she walks down a hall, suddenly in voice over Ice-T gives her new instructions – to get all her cash and all her dope and bring it to him. Was this a telepathic message? Apparently she receives it, because she gathers all the drugs and takes it all to him. At this point their interaction should be at an end. But Ice-T gets in her car to learn her life story for some reason. He then ridicules her for doing precisely what he had commanded her to do, saying her husband wouldn’t do that for her. She then goes to a store to buy a pack of cigarettes and he accompanies her. Why, why why? The movie is over. Why are they still talking? (At this point I check, and the film still has another twenty-seven minutes to go. Oh boy.) He starts asking about her daughter, then suddenly demands more money, then demands she make her husband stop selling drugs.

Then we have a scene of Christmas morning, and the family is all together again, and the daughter is excited about a doll. But who cares? The film can’t recover from those scenes with Ice-T. While the first half of the film avoided a lot of dialogue, the second half of the film is basically all dialogue, and most of it is completely terrible. It seems improvised, because it’s bad and repetitive, like the result of an acting exercise at a community college.

At the end of the film, it says, “To be cont …” Really? And why couldn’t they spell out the word “continued”? There’s not even a period after “cont,” just the ellipsis, as if “cont” were a word. It’s just one more irritating thing. And really, how could this story continue anyway? There isn’t much of a story to begin with.

The Dinosaur Experiment (2013)

The Dinosaur Experiment is a ridiculous and very silly horror film, that plays more for comedy most of the time (intentionally). There are a lot of flaws, but the film is often quite enjoyable.

It opens at night with some voice over by Abbi Whitecloud, who introduces herself, telling us she’s twenty-one years old (almost twenty-two), lives in Fossil Ridge, a small town in Texas, far from the nearest city of Abilene. She dreams of heading to that city and pursuing a career in music. She is also proficient with the bow and arrow. Six months ago her mother was out in the forest praying for a better life. But, as often happens in a situation like that, a dinosaur rushes out of the woods.

We’re then introduced to a lot of characters, some of whom are interesting and some of whom are dull stereotypes. One of the interesting characters is Dr. Cane. When we’re introduced to him, he just seems like some weird guy whom we expect to quickly become a meal for a dinosaur. After all, he’s entering a barn, and we hear weird noises in there. But it turns out he has a dinosaur trapped behind an electric fence in there. And, as he reminds the dinosaur, he raised the creature. “I used to hold you and sometimes you’d come and crawl in my bed.” They have a special bond, which is delightfully twisted. I like the way the film very early on goes against expectations.

Meanwhile, in North Dallas University, Lucas Young is late for class, arriving just in time to hear the professor say that man became upright for survival. Then the bell rings. Why go to class for just the last minute? Lucas owns a mug shaped like breasts, and talks about being a tittie man. Why are characters like this even in college? I always feel like characters like this were written by people who never attended college themselves, and got their entire concept of college from other films written by people who also didn’t go to college. Anyway, Lucas and his two friends, one of whom is named Beast (Really?), take a skiing trip (though this is Texas, and appears to be summer). Beast is the typical party animal, and Sheldon, the third member of this ski trip, is the normal guy that is taken advantage of (it’s his mother’s car that they’re using).

Then Abbi wakes up and shoots an arrow at a picture of Billy Wayne (the picture says, “Billy Wayne for mayor”). A package of sexy red shoes arrives at her door, and so she puts them on and heads to work. So we think maybe she’s some kind of stripper or something. But those expectations are played with as well. It turns out she works at a gas station that also has a convenience store and a small diner. And her dead mother owes Billy Wayne (who apparently lost his mayoral bid and owns the gas station) money for a truck she bought, a truck we’ve already seen break down. I like that she doesn’t argue with him that the truck he sold her mother has broken down. It’s like she knows that would be pointless, and her silence on it gives us the feeling the truck has been an issue for a while. There is also some silliness about squirrel being the secret ingredient at the diner portion of the convenience store.

We’re introduced to more ridiculous characters. A band is playing at some town hall, a trio made up of front man Little Willie (reminding me of that great Sweet song) and two girls. The girl behind the drum kit is clearly not playing at all. They couldn’t find a female drummer who could match the playback track? Sure, she’s cute, but come on! A redneck in the audience holds up a gun, so the band stops, escaping in their Partridge Family bus in the middle of the day. Why did all those folks pack that hall if they weren’t interested in the band? It’s stupid.

And then we meet a couple of FBI agents at the Federal Building in Austin. They receive an email about a killing in Fossil Ridge. Oddly, one guy says, “in this town called Fossil Ridge, Texas.” But they’re in Austin, so wouldn’t he just say “Fossil Ridge”? He wouldn’t mention the state unless it were a different state.

Back in the band’s bus, Josie, the blonde, argues with the brunette (the Non-Drummer Girl) about which one of them looks slutty. Important stuff, to be sure. Where are the dinosaurs already?

The FBI guys arrive, but Atwood, a CSI member is already on the scene. So are Sheriff Morgan and Deputy Jones. Sheriff Morgan asks Atwood if she’s had a chance to check anything out yet. She says, “No.” So Morgan begins describing the scene, but Atwood interrupts. “This is very unusual. The teeth marks indicate a very large predator-type creature.” But she hasn’t checked anything out yet. She then goes on to describe footprints. But she hasn’t checking anything out yet. Well, the two FBI guys to go a diner (not the same one we’ve already seen), where an Irish lass named Carri Anne pours them coffee and then is reprimanded by her boss for telling them about Old Man Cane. Why? No idea.

Meanwhile, Little Willie’s bus is breaking down, and the college boys run out of gas in Fossil Ridge. (Where is this ski resort they’re going to?) So everyone ends up at Billy Wayne’s place. (For fuck’s sake, bring on the dinosaurs already!) Anyway, the gas station is out of gas because Dr. Cane took it all. The college boys are interested in the two female band members, and Little Willie is interested in the college boys. Abbi narrated the beginning, and she is perhaps the most interesting and believable character. So why are we spending so much time with so many other characters? Well, they hear a groan, which Billy identifies as coming from Dr. Cane’s place. There are rumors of what is going on up there, but no one knows for sure because he’s so mysterious and secretive and so on. Anyway, Abbi leads a few of them to Cane’s place to get gas.

Meanwhile Atwood calls Special Agent Logan to divulge the results of the tests on the body. Velociraptors. She warns him that they’re nocturnal and tells him to stay indoors.

Abbi and the others reach her truck, which is now running somehow. They drive to Cane’s property which, by the way, has a large sign saying “Raptor Ranch.” So not such a secret project after all. So much for the mystery surrounding the good doctor. Cane is lying on the ground after suffering some physical ailment, so they help him inside. Abbi asks if there’s some kind of medication he takes. “It’s upstairs, in the attic,” he tells her. Who keeps important, life-saving medication in the attic? Anyway, Abbi is slow getting the medicine, and Cane dies. The gang then finds a chick coop of young dinosaurs.

While looking for a gas can, Beast finds an electric box marked “Lights,” so he turns it on. To the right is a box marked “T Rex.” To the left is a box marked “Doors.” He says, “I love The Doors,” and flips the switch. What, not a Marc Bolan fan? Of course, that opens the doors, releasing the dinosaurs. The dinosaurs look pretty cool, by the way.

They drive to Abbi’s house for some reason, rather than return to the gas station to regroup. And then, inexplicably, Billy Wayne is in her house. But before he can explain his presence, a dinosaur comes breaking into the house and eats him. Abbi then grabs her bow (finally).

Soon these stupid characters are picked off. There’s a cute moment where Lucas is fucking Josie. She’s on top, and a dinosaur comes in and bites her head off. There’s one very brief shot where Lucas’ hands are still on her breasts, but the dinosaur’s head is coming in over her neck, so it looks like Lucas is fucking a dinosaur-head girl. Yeah, I love it.

Abbi, Sheldon and Non-Drummer Girl run through the woods for some reason instead of getting back in her truck. Perhaps it has stopped working again. Who knows? Sheldon lets Abbi know she doesn’t have to go into work tomorrow since her boss is dead. And Non-Drummer Girl says, “If that thing catches up to us, we’re all going to be on a permanent leave of absence.” Really. She says that. The three start blaming each other for their troubles, which is stupid. They then run back to the convenience store, where Lucas is still alive.

Lucas and Sheldon say they should call the cops, but Abbi tells them, “There ain’t no cops in this town.” Really? That reminds us: Where are the sheriff, the deputy, the CSI chick and the two FBI agents? We haven’t seen them in quite a while. Anyway, the four survivors get on the Partridge Family bus, and it’s running now. Sheldon is now more annoying than Lucas, worrying about leaving his mother’s car behind.

The bus soon breaks down again. When dinosaurs attack the bus, Non-Drummer Girl starts laughing. She goes a bit mad, which is nice. You don’t see that often enough in horror films, and it’s a totally believable reaction to such an insane set of circumstances. At one point she says she’s fishing. Sheldon asks, “For what?” And the joy in her response, “I don’t know,” is fucking great. It’s one of my favorite things in the film. (Later, she has a wonderful moment on a bicycle.)

It’s interesting that with all the dinosaurs and destruction in town that no one else has come around to see what the fuss is about.  But then again, the film told us, “There ain’t no cops in this town.” And everyone else in town is probably conked out on sleeping pills.

The next morning the three survivors run to an abandoned factory (because of course there has to be an abandoned factory). Abbi has shot off only one arrow at the dinosaurs, by the way. What the hell? Why introduce the whole bow thing in the very first speech of the film if it’s not going to come into play later on? Finally, with twelve and a half minutes left, Abbi fires another arrow (and then drops the bow). And with less than six minutes left (including end credits), the FBI agents wake up. Good morning!

At the end, one of the agents tells a reporter, “This isn’t Jurassic Park.” Indeed it isn’t. And then we have one final scene with Abbi having pursued her musical career. Well, sort of. She is on a small stage, lip-synching to some song. I don’t think karaoke counts as a musical career, but I guess we should just try to be supportive of the poor girl. Good for you, Abbi. Reach for the stars.

By the way, there is no explanation on how Cane created the dinosaurs.

(Note: I posted a slightly shorter version of this review on another site.)