tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-55462678249292203392024-03-05T23:33:47.014-08:00Michael Doherty's Good Things About Bad MoviesMichael Dohertyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00008909555111595107noreply@blogger.comBlogger123125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5546267824929220339.post-76898447283517366012023-06-28T09:00:00.001-07:002023-06-28T09:00:13.859-07:00Doll Shark (2022)<p></p><p><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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</p><p class="MsoNoSpacing"></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhx77hD5297fZcm1lBUYopMfssb5STm_mPonG7x4u_-on3sGSvf5vKlzHcKkfl3sjX0zmmEyeud_0g3unJJA_yZuArMxKNjaQvGWyd1iSYOG1Dn8P0XhfBmNFc79UntnXEAmQCTCuy_1R5zb5gBqy7MponnjKIuJn0dReHWtM5kTgKVPudkfPFtyc-hDcMZ/s624/Doll%20Shark.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="624" data-original-width="480" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhx77hD5297fZcm1lBUYopMfssb5STm_mPonG7x4u_-on3sGSvf5vKlzHcKkfl3sjX0zmmEyeud_0g3unJJA_yZuArMxKNjaQvGWyd1iSYOG1Dn8P0XhfBmNFc79UntnXEAmQCTCuy_1R5zb5gBqy7MponnjKIuJn0dReHWtM5kTgKVPudkfPFtyc-hDcMZ/s320/Doll%20Shark.jpg" width="246" /></a></div>I have a weakness for shark movies. And there are a lot
of them out there. While there are a few good ones <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">(Jaws</i>, obviously, and <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Open
Water</i>, <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">The Shallows</i>, <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">The Reef</i>) and some incredibly enjoyable
ones (<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">The Meg</i>, <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Sharknado</i>, <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Mega Shark Vs.
Giant Octopus</i>), most of them are just bad. But I still love them. Well,
most of them. <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Doll Shark</i> has a few
good things going for it, but it is undeniably a bad movie. It begins with a
man determined to hunt some special shark. Does he do this in a boat? Nope. He
stands on what seems to be a pier, and just leans down and spears the shark,
all while the worst rain effect ever seen in a movie plays over the image. Seriously,
what the fuck is up with that rain effect? Anyway, the guy takes a tooth from
the shark, then purchases a plush shark toy for his son, and shoves the tooth
inside it for some reason. I guess it is to make the toy a little more
dangerous. But what it does is… I don’t know... makes the spirit of the shark
inhabit the toy? Something like that.<p></p>
<p class="MsoNoSpacing">The boy is excited to have the toy. His favorite
television program is a shark show that apparently plays constantly on some
bizarre network. The show, however, seems to be only fifteen or twenty seconds
long, because every time he starts to watch it, it is the same short sequence
that he sees. It’s a sequence which we would think would be the show’s
introduction, but seems to be the entire fucking show. Very strange. Although
finally at one point later in the film, we see a clown, which might be part of
that show. A clown whose script is in front of him and slightly to his right. Just
watch his eyes. What the boy is not excited about is his babysitter. Now, look,
if you write a part for a 17-year-old and you can’t find a 17-year-old, it
might be best to rewrite the part. But that is not what the makers of this film
did. They just went ahead with a woman who is clearly forty playing the part as
written. That’s right, a 40-year-old babysitter. A 40-year-old babysitter who
hates children and is using the babysitting opportunity to invite her friend
and some boys over. I’m not kidding. And this isn’t a one-time thing. This
woman is the kid’s regular babysitter. So this is her fucking job. Babysitting.
She’s forty. </p>
<p class="MsoNoSpacing">She does have a car, so maybe she charges a lot for her
services. She is the only character in the entire movie who has a car, so I
guess everyone else in this town is even more of a loser than she is. (The
mother’s boyfriend has a car, but he’s only there for a moment and I don’t
recall him having any lines.) Well, this babysitter makes fun of the child she’s
babysitting, even takes his plush toy and puts it on top of the trash bin (not
in it, just sets it on top of it), and even drugs him to make him sleep though
a good portion of the film. You might want to also sleep through a good portion
of it. I couldn’t fault you for that. Anyway, the plush shark comes alive and
first kills a couple of neighbors. Well, actually, it seems that only one of
the victims lived there, and the other was a guy she picked up. There’s an
unfortunate scene where the neighbor tries to seduce the man by taking off part
of her bathing suit in the pool. This is the most horrifying moment of the
movie. “Please keep your clothes on,” you will shout at the screen. The plush
shark also attacks the babysitter, her ridiculous friend, and the two boys that
are coming over to score with them. And a burglar. The burglar bit is actually
funny, because of the items he takes. He grabs a cordless phone, but not the
phone’s base. He grabs a single letter from a drawer of papers. He grabs one
specific DVD from the shelf of movies. Who is this guy? By the way, this is
apparently the house to enter without permission. A total of four characters
break into the house (five, if you count the cop, who does not announce himself
as he enters). Meanwhile, the child sleeps on. The child, by the way, gives the
best performance of the movie. He’s really not bad at all, even when he’s
awake.</p>
<p class="MsoNoSpacing">The worst performance of the movie? That’s a tough one, because
there are a lot of people in the running, including the drunk mother who has no
relationship with her son whatsoever. But I would have to go with the child’s
father, who really loves talking to himself. He does try to talk to someone
else at one point. He calls his son, but there is no answer. This alarms him.
Why? It is unclear. He doesn’t know anything about his ex-wife having left the
boy with a 40-year-old babysitter, or about the murders next door, but maybe
this is the first time he has called home and no one has answered. Oh, that
reminds me. That phone the burglar took? We see it ringing in this scene. So
that means that the plush shark, after killing the burglar, took the phone out
of his bag and placed it back where it belongs. I imagine it did that with the
DVD, letter and other items as well. Anyway, there is a cop who is completely
unbelievable and also pretty fucking bad at his job, who is trying to track the
murderer of the neighbors. But it is the father, who, because of his bad
feeling, takes a week off from his job to rescue his son. Why a week? Well, it
probably takes him that long to walk there. He shows up in the boy’s bedroom
and spears the plush shark. And that’s when the boy wakes up. Of course, he
should be like, “Why the fuck are you destroying my toy?” After all, he has
slept through all the death and whatnot, and has absolutely no idea that the
plush toy is possessed or alive or whatever. But he is just happy that he has
one parent there, a parent who is not drunk. So, a happy ending.</p>
<p class="MsoNoSpacing">What is good about this movie? Well, I love the look of
the plush shark when it turns from a regular plush toy to a blood-thirsty
killer. Seriously, it’s wonderful. And that goes a long way. There are some
good, funny shots with the shark. And, as I said, the boy gives a decent
performance. That’s about it. While this is not a good movie, it is definitely
not the worst shark movie I’ve seen. Oh no, not even close. <br /></p><p></p>Michael Dohertyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00008909555111595107noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5546267824929220339.post-34941195871378067672023-06-02T14:29:00.000-07:002023-06-02T14:29:10.165-07:0012 Christmas Wishes For My Dog (2011)<p></p><p><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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</p><p class="MsoNoSpacing"></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgk-XHGQvMEHsTmyMVbQ3KsT5LZh0R0MjkbUi82mcbIWz3n2pIrAWkVVFdeqWy0nyxTUZdywR45s_MZTrOElZITiDdJlP1gkc6Hxo9RPMFjcoi8b8YbJ3PyPpYDuHZezsE8h6-Es4GnAnKFA9StghR0TtP6oxmKY8UtZU9sF-MVLDefqe6a3PiT6fl0Gg/s445/12%20Christmas%20Wishes%20For%20My%20Dog.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="445" data-original-width="339" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgk-XHGQvMEHsTmyMVbQ3KsT5LZh0R0MjkbUi82mcbIWz3n2pIrAWkVVFdeqWy0nyxTUZdywR45s_MZTrOElZITiDdJlP1gkc6Hxo9RPMFjcoi8b8YbJ3PyPpYDuHZezsE8h6-Es4GnAnKFA9StghR0TtP6oxmKY8UtZU9sF-MVLDefqe6a3PiT6fl0Gg/s320/12%20Christmas%20Wishes%20For%20My%20Dog.jpg" width="244" /></a></div>I know, I know, you’re thinking, “Come on, Michael, how
could a movie with the title <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">12 Christmas
Wishes For My Dog</i> be any good?” Well, regarding that title, it itself is a
bit of a lie, for the wishes are not for her dog. The wishes have nothing
whatsoever to do with her dog, which is interesting, since she has to leave her
dog in a shelter after ignoring the rules of her apartment building, and that
dog could have benefited from a wish. But I’m getting ahead of myself. This
movie, which actually was originally titled <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">12
Wishes Of Christmas</i>, stars Elisa Donovan as Laura, a selfish, horrible
woman who is granted twelve wishes from an angel in an ugly Christmas sweater
in order to help her sort out her life. So the title should be <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">12 Christmas Wishes For Me, And Everyone
Else Can Go Fuck Themselves</i>. <p></p>
<p class="MsoNoSpacing">The movie begins with Laura running late for work and
being stopped by a neighbor (played by Michael Gross, who in the years since <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Family Ties</i> and <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Tremors</i> has done a lot of Christmas movies) who asks her if she has
a dog. He reminds her that the rules explicitly state that no dogs are allowed,
and so Laura lies to him. (I understand that in this scene we are supposed to
think her neighbor an unreasonable bastard and Laura a sweet victim, but
clearly she’s a bitch with no regard for other people.) She then hurries off to
work, and – horror of horrors – the heel on one of her shoes breaks. Could life
be any worse than this? This is a woman who could really use twelve wishes,
clearly. When she arrives to work, she apologizes for being late, and her boss
(played by Fred Willard, who must have owed the film’s director a serious
favor) shows he could not care less about her by calling her the wrong name. He
then goes on to say that fifteen percent of the work force will be fired by the
end of the year, and that he is determined to turn things around by getting his
company’s new holiday line on the shelves of some expensive department store.
Drama! Laura also volunteers a bit of her time at Best Buddies, a dog shelter,
where she meets Andy (David O’Donnell), a man who is inexplicably attracted to
her. But Laura already has a boyfriend, and because that boyfriend is taking
her out to a nice restaurant, she assumes he’s going to ask for her hand in
marriage. When, instead, Morgan (Michael Bergin) asks if she’ll stick with him
if he follows his dream of becoming a novelist, Laura is shocked. This dinner
wasn’t about her after all. How could this terrible man decide to quit his job
and pursue his dreams, when Laura has so much riding on his having a
high-paying job? “What about us?” she asks, but we know she means, “What about
me?” Could things be going any worse for her? </p>
<p class="MsoNoSpacing">Soon she is confronted by her neighbor and by the woman
who is apparently in charge of the building. The woman tells her she has to get rid
of the dog or find a new home. So she gets rid of the dog, leaving it at the
shelter where she volunteers. She promises the dog she’ll have her out of there
by Christmas. Because Christmas means a lot to that dog. And then Laura is
accused of being at fault for a screw-up at work, when a woman representing
that department store decides to act like the most ridiculous, angry, self-righteous
person on the planet, and then never lets that attitude drop, for reasons which
might only be clear to the actor playing that role. Anyway, Laura is fired. Her
friend, Faith, who works at the same company, suggests Laura hire a life coach.
And because Laura has no other friends who might offer better advice, she does
just that. When she walks into the life coach’s office, she remarks at the décor,
saying, “Wow, somebody really likes Christmas.” It’s an absurd thing to say,
because Laura herself has more Christmas decorations than does the average
department store. Anyway, Noel (the life coach, played by Chonda Pierce) tells
Laura she’s going to grant her twelve wishes. In most stories regarding wishes,
the total is three, but Laura deserves so much more than that. Her first wish: “I
wish Morgan would send me flowers.” The next morning, there are flowers from
Morgan at her doorstep. Okay, the first wish was wasted, but she didn’t really
believe in wishes at that point. But now that she’s aware this thing is the
real deal, she’ll give each wish a lot more care and consideration and choose
things that will change the world for the better, right? Fuck no. Faith is going
to a Christmas party, and her ex-boyfriend will be there with his new
girlfriend, and so she wants to look good. So Laura’s next wish is “I wish for
Faith’s hair to look fabulous at her party.” Okay, this wish is for her friend,
not her, so maybe it’s a step in the right direction. But her friend is being a
dipshit, wanting to impress an ex-boyfriend who has moved on. This could not be
less important. Two wishes completely wasted. Also, if she’s going to wish for
her friend’s hair to look fabulous, why limit it to “at her party”? </p>
<p class="MsoNoSpacing">Third wish: “I wish for the banging to stop.” What she
refers to there is her neighbor’s work inside his own apartment. Now, in every
other story about wishes, one has to be precise in each wish, for the powers
seem to love messing with mortals. But not in this movie. No, because that
would be fun. Here, Noel knows just what Laura means, and takes care of it by
having the neighbor evicted. Laura sees him getting his eviction notice, goes
into her apartment, and makes her fourth wish. “I wish I had better shoes.” Yes,
she is a despicable, horrid little person. She then wishes to win the car being
raffled by the animal shelter, and soon is making wish after wish: “I wish I
had 20/20 vision,” “I wish I could win the Lotto” (again, poorly worded, but
Noel gives it to her), “I wish for a new wardrobe” (didn’t the money from
winning the lottery take care of that?), and “I wish for new jewelry” (again,
couldn’t she buy that with the money from the lottery?). Not only is she selfish,
but she’s an imbecile without a trace of imagination. Basically, she is a
character you cannot help but loathe. You want her to somehow step out of this
film and into <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Friday The 13th Part
Whatever</i>, where Jason Voorhees would quickly drain her of blood. </p>
<p class="MsoNoSpacing">Meanwhile, at work, Laura’s former boss (yeah, for some
reason, we’re still following his story) tells his remaining employees they
must come up with good ideas within twenty-four hours, ideas on getting the
holiday line into that department store. Because department stores are
apparently still really important in the world of this film. Faith is worried
she’s next in line to get fired, so Laura’s next wish is “I wish Faith would
have a winning idea.” Again, that’s vague, but again Noel knows just what Laura
means. So Faith has the brilliant idea of holding a fashion show. Original, eh?
“It’s bold and exciting,” Faith says. Oh? But another woman at the company
steals the idea as her own. And Fred Willard says, “That is pure genius.” So
Laura uses her eleventh wish: “I wish Sandra would pay for stealing Faith’s
idea.” Bloody hell. You just want to put all these characters into a giant
blender and press “Grind.” I’m just glad Morgan is busy working on his novel
and not getting involved with his girlfriend’s stupid life. But then for her
final wish, Laura types, “I wish Morgan’s book would be published.” It’s not
for his sake, however; it’s because she wants to get married, and knows that
won’t happen until the book is published. Awful. But Morgan is a bit smarter,
and begins dating his literary agent. Good for him!</p>
<p class="MsoNoSpacing">Anyway, Laura gets into an argument with her friend at
work, causing Faith to quit, and catches her boyfriend kissing a better woman
(Nadine has no lines, but it’s safe to assume she’s a better woman). So her
life is still a mess, and she seeks advice from Noel. The rest of the movie is
Laura doing what she assumes is the best for everyone, but who gives a shit at
this point?</p>
<p class="MsoNoSpacing">So what is good about this movie? Fred Willard is always
good, and even though he is not invested in this role, he still manages to
elicit some laughter. When Sandra begs him to be able to keep her job, saying
she needs it, he replies: “<span style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Cry me a
river. Get out of my sight</span>.” It’s so abrupt that we can’t help but laugh. We
wish he’d say that to all the other characters. Also, Michael Gross at one point says, “The wrench just bounced off the plate in my head,” a surprising line. And Mo Gaffney shows up for a
few moments as Laura’s mother. She is only at the other end of a couple of
phone calls, and not put to any good use, but it’s nice to see her. The one
other good moment is during a scene in a shopping mall. The production hired
several extras, but obviously did not completely own the location, so there are
some actual shoppers there. One woman walks by and notices the camera, and is
clearly alarmed to find herself in the frame. Her reaction is delightful. There
is one other thing. If you’re a music fan, you might recognize singer/songwriter
Shannon Hurley as an extra in a scene inside a coffee shop. And that’s about
it.</p>
<p></p>Michael Dohertyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00008909555111595107noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5546267824929220339.post-1256710390201530362018-01-04T22:59:00.000-08:002018-01-04T22:59:46.102-08:00Open Water 3: Cage Dive (2017)<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEizIG3vvgYfUtLCv36P6sVmsPBFh7KLgNopfeByNCBMpqWqyHNxK6lKBKhxTidpTnwLjKr5IuyY-ggQuD0WVFuYT_hs76m0FJDUFOsrXFhXtP7WUeiZJlt6AeTjzh692XT1giyh_aUdfMUY/s1600/zz+Open+Water+3.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="445" data-original-width="329" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEizIG3vvgYfUtLCv36P6sVmsPBFh7KLgNopfeByNCBMpqWqyHNxK6lKBKhxTidpTnwLjKr5IuyY-ggQuD0WVFuYT_hs76m0FJDUFOsrXFhXtP7WUeiZJlt6AeTjzh692XT1giyh_aUdfMUY/s320/zz+Open+Water+3.jpg" width="236" /></a></div>
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Open Water 3: Cage
Dive</i> is a so-called “found footage” movie. I didn’t know that when I bought
the DVD. I think all these films should have a warning displayed prominently on
the front of the DVD box: “Warning: This is a found footage film.” So we know
to stay away. But I didn’t know until the movie started. <br />
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
Well, this movie works under the mistaken belief that if
we are shown three people clowning around long enough, we’ll begin to care
about them. Clowning around takes the place of anything resembling character
development. As for a plot, three people go on a cage dive in order to make a video to submit
to some “reality” television program in the hope that they’ll be chosen as
contestants. Yeah, that’s their
goal: be on a “reality” show. So right away we fucking hate these people. Then they film themselves making out, and we
hate them even more. Then they film themselves watching earlier footage they
shot, and we are more than ready for these dipshits to die. Bring on the
sharks! Eat these people already.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
These three people are completely empty and worthless, so
when the film adds the drama that both brothers are fucking the same girl, we
could not possibly care less. We already hate them. And why is it that bad
shark movies feel a need to remind us of a good shark movie? One character here
quotes <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Jaws</i>: “<i>We’re going to need a
bigger boat</i>.” Anyway, they get into a shark cage, but then some mean wave comes
and destroys the boat, knocking everyone into the water. And the rest of the
movie is those three people bobbing in the water, worried they won’t be
rescued, but still filming every goddamn stupid thing they do. That is a big
problem with all of these “found footage” horror films, that people keep
filming long after any reasonable or believable person would have stopped. I
mean, these three people are in the water, surrounded by sharks. Would they
really keep filming their fucking audition tape for the fucking television
series? Another problem is the awful shots, where we can’t really tell what it
is we’re supposed to be seeing, and lots of shots where we can’t see anything
at all. And, like every stupid “found footage” movie, this film gives us lines
like “<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Did you see that?</i>” and “<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">What is it?</i>” and “<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">What the hell is that?</i>” and “<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">What
was that?</i>” And – in complete darkness – we have to listen to an argument
after it’s revealed that Megan has been screwing around with both guys. The
guys actually continue arguing about it even after Megan is dead. Fucking
dipshits.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
But guess what? There are some good things about this
movie. There is some nice whale footage, as well as some very cool shark
footage. And the film takes an interesting and surprising turn when the three
people find a fully stocked life raft. But then they prove themselves to be
incredibly stupid once again, firing a flare gun into the raft. If you somehow didn’t
already think these assholes deserved to be eaten, that moment would be enough
to change your mind and start cheering on the sharks. There actually are some
scares with the sharks. But of course the film would be much more frightening
if it weren’t done as “found footage.” Is it wrong of me to wish that sharks
would eat any filmmaker planning on producing a “found footage” film? By the
way, the batteries on that camera are amazing.</div>
Michael Dohertyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00008909555111595107noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5546267824929220339.post-19025720493306698022017-09-11T13:48:00.002-07:002017-09-11T13:48:54.598-07:00Planet Of The Sharks (2016)<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi1kTLxIXlB3ZfQmntdLXxR8xUwqQT3Jsy7_bD-piA5VQYI86GMvdxw6vxs_pFv4xLgkD3zuNXFwJdl2pdGU65oTYpRPChOiBN3-iGsNyiS4Ma1yUVzYDRzipn9CorsZ7o6ryH6Ou4uVgDE/s1600/zz+Shark+Attack+Pack.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="445" data-original-width="323" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi1kTLxIXlB3ZfQmntdLXxR8xUwqQT3Jsy7_bD-piA5VQYI86GMvdxw6vxs_pFv4xLgkD3zuNXFwJdl2pdGU65oTYpRPChOiBN3-iGsNyiS4Ma1yUVzYDRzipn9CorsZ7o6ryH6Ou4uVgDE/s320/zz+Shark+Attack+Pack.jpg" width="232" /></a></div>
“<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Take your stinking fins off me, you damn dirty shark!</i>” No, that
line is not in <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Planet Of The Sharks</i>.
But it could have been, I suppose, and in fact during the opening credits
sequence we see the Statue of Liberty under water. <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Planet Of The Sharks</i> is different from the rest of the bad shark
movies out there. It’s a post-apocalyptic film borrowing more from <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Waterworld</i> than <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Jaws</i>. The polar ice caps have melted, and the world is covered by
water. A group of scientists at a research facility are working to do something
about it, while the rest of the people are just trying to survive.<br />
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The movie opens at a place
called Junk City, where rent is cheap. Perhaps if the residents changed their
town’s name, they could feel better about themselves. Anyway, a title tells us,
“Population 72.” Ah, not for long. Here come the sharks, and they can leap out
of the water to claim their victims. One girl hides in a barrel. Not sure how
that’s supposed to protect her, but it does. The sharks don’t bother to search
the barrels for food. Junk City is now population 1, just Bea. She is soon
rescued by Barrick, a man with a working boat, who is contracted to help the
scientists at the research station.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="tab-stops: 315.6pt;">
Dr. Shaw and Dr. Nichols, and
their team, are working on a rocket with a CO2 scrubber attached to it to try
to reverse the effect of the melted poles and gain dry land. And they need to
do it soon. Temperatures on the planet are increasing, and the excessive heat
in the ocean is causing the plankton to die, upsetting the food chain, and
leaving the main predators with nothing to eat in the water. And that’s why the
sharks are jumping out to get their food. Of course, it does beg the question,
What the fuck are the people eating? But let’s not worry about that. After all,
this movie is actually taking the trouble to try to give us a scientific
explanation for what’s happening. It’s trying to base the film in some sort of
reality, something that most shark movies don’t bother doing. And the effort is
appreciated. This is a surprisingly enjoyable film, much better than it has any
business being. It is suspenseful at times, fairly well acted (with a couple of
exceptions), with likeable and intelligent characters, and it’s actually
interesting. Not the usual fare.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="tab-stops: 315.6pt;">
Anyway, the different types of
sharks have all banded together into one school and are led by a giant shark
that has the ability to control the others. This army of sharks is heading for
Salvation (population 436 – see what a better town name can do for you?), and
the scientists, Bea and Barrick head over there to warn them, and to get some
parts they need for their rocket. The folks at Salvation are eager to fight the
sharks, and get ready for the battle with a tribal dance that probably
attracts them. And what’s great is that these folks do actually kill a lot of
the sharks at first. They’re not amateurs. There’s a reason these people are
still alive. But the sharks are just too numerous, and overwhelm them.
Salvation is now population 1, just Moffat, who escapes with Barrick, Bea and the
scientists.</div>
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<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="tab-stops: 315.6pt;">
The plan is to draw the sharks
into a volcano and then use science to make it erupt. But even if that works, they
still have to get the rocket off in time. Yes, it’s all a bit silly, but I
totally got caught up in it. The actors seem invested, and that helps us accept
the film’s reality. But what’s up with Bea hiding in a cage when the sharks
come to attack the research facility? All that girl does is hide, and both
times someone else has to point out the hiding spot for her. How is she still alive? Anyway, guess what
is now above water at the end of the movie?</div>
Michael Dohertyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00008909555111595107noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5546267824929220339.post-4194511733867517242017-09-09T13:35:00.000-07:002017-09-09T13:48:45.654-07:005-Headed Shark Attack (2017)<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhKsNNhQcNIIVSjVkifcqtN0hM4shM7it41YNzImI3874cKkUB1aQXPd8jGYCyZqSEcRIPtZTpZfcF3M0Fm749KhwPEvl4p9PTk2LlV0Nn5lTk-zz-9s0gFtzxJ9Hh53mTzopoTWuA2yCKA/s1600/zz+Shark+Attack+Pack.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="445" data-original-width="323" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhKsNNhQcNIIVSjVkifcqtN0hM4shM7it41YNzImI3874cKkUB1aQXPd8jGYCyZqSEcRIPtZTpZfcF3M0Fm749KhwPEvl4p9PTk2LlV0Nn5lTk-zz-9s0gFtzxJ9Hh53mTzopoTWuA2yCKA/s320/zz+Shark+Attack+Pack.jpg" width="232" /></a></div>
Here’s how little faith they
had in <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">5-Headed Shark Attack</i>. In its
initial DVD release, it’s put in a package with two other bad shark movies
(okay, I’m only assuming they’re bad, as I haven’t yet watched them). But, hey,
three bad shark movies are better than one, I always say. Anyway, it’s the
third installment in an absolutely ridiculous series, following <a href="http://greatthingsaboutbadmovies.blogspot.com/2015/12/2-headed-shark-attack-2012.html"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">2-Headed Shark Attack</i></a> and <a href="http://greatthingsaboutbadmovies.blogspot.com/2015/12/3-headed-shark-attack-2015.html"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">3 Headed Shark Attack</i></a> (what happened <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">to 4-Headed Shark Attack</i>, you ask? Well,
keep reading). By the way, in the opening title sequence it’s called <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">5 Headed Shark Attack</i>, but in the
closing credits and on the DVD box it’s listed as <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">5-Headed Shark Attack</i>. <br />
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="tab-stops: 315.6pt;">
This one takes place on
Palomino Island in Puerto Rico. And don’t worry if you haven’t seen the first
two films in the series. This one really has nothing to do with the others,
except that at one point a character says she’s heard of two and three-headed
sharks (she also makes a reference to <i>Sharknado</i>). Anyway, when the film opens, some girls are trying to act sexy on a
boat for a photographer. A shark with just one head is in the water nearby. Hey, what
kind of threat does that fish pose? None at all, because it’s soon dispatched
by a shark with four heads. Yes, four heads, not five. Four heads demand a lot
of food, and sexy girls and a photographer make a good snack. </div>
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<br /></div>
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Police find the photographer’s
digital camera, which has some last-moment shots of the four shark heads, and
they decide to take it to a marine biologist at the local aquarium. Uh-oh, the
props person must have lost the camera (or perhaps had to return it to the
store), because in the next scene the camera has magically become a phone. The
police officer says, “<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">I found this camera
on the boat</i>,” and hands Dr. Yost the phone. The head of the aquarium sees
this as an opportunity to save his business, and decides to assemble a team of
interns to catch and exhibit the shark. This four-headed shark doesn’t like to
be photographed, because not only did it eat that photographer, but it eats the
team’s underwater camera. </div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="tab-stops: 315.6pt;">
The team loses one intern to
the shark, but interns are easy to replace, so the group continues its hunt
after a little pep talk by the leader, who suggests they name the shark after
the dead intern. Sean The Four-Headed Shark doesn’t sound so fierce.
Sounds like a roommate who might misplace your favorite Devo record, but not
someone who will kill you and all your friends. Anyway, the team employs the help
of a professional shark hunter who apparently used to pee on Dr. Yost. He tells
the team leader he’s into watersports, then shares a knowing look with her. And
they all go off to hunt the shark.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="tab-stops: 315.6pt;">
Cait, one of the remaining interns, is feeling down, however.
A guy asks her, “<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Are you all right?</i>”
She replies, “<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">I can’t sleep</i>.” Well,
it’s mid-afternoon and you’re on a shark hunt. Should you really be choosing this
time to take a nap? Soon the shark takes another intern, Lindsay, who turns out
to be Cait’s best friend. This does not help Cait’s mood. But when the guy
hands her a bucket of chum, she gets back in the spirit of things.</div>
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Halfway through, this film
becomes a little less believable. The shark’s tail suddenly becomes a fifth
head. Now obviously this is going to cause problems for the shark, as this one
head will want to travel in the opposite direction as the other four. Plus, it
must be hard to swim without a caudal fin. How will it manage? The aquarium has
an even bigger problem. Their insurance might not cover two dead interns. One,
sure, no problem. But two? There is a suspenseful scene where the team leader
is on the phone discussing the problem. Is the answer to go back into the water
and endanger the final two interns? Absolutely!</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="tab-stops: 315.6pt;">
But if you think this movie is
all about people getting eaten by a silly-looking mutant shark, think again.
This movie is not without substance. It has an important environmental message,
about how plastic has altered and endangered our ecosystem. And for good
measure, the film mentions global warming, the receding coral reef and the
dwindling number of manatees. So there.</div>
Michael Dohertyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00008909555111595107noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5546267824929220339.post-3800324414095589282017-04-13T15:26:00.000-07:002017-04-13T15:42:48.772-07:00Chupacabra Territory (2016)<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEht_bTjE52aXvKXZ36LrOuJydrTA5FDGo9uUd-7wGl893SLltfqR1euGufcisrVqW07hLZSBTLrQTWA6E0k4sCE9_qVbaMo66oKvGqwVeFovY_5HDBYIV_VzFRkqa2gXFdJZUif9zZ__ZHk/s1600/zz+Chupacabra+Territory.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEht_bTjE52aXvKXZ36LrOuJydrTA5FDGo9uUd-7wGl893SLltfqR1euGufcisrVqW07hLZSBTLrQTWA6E0k4sCE9_qVbaMo66oKvGqwVeFovY_5HDBYIV_VzFRkqa2gXFdJZUif9zZ__ZHk/s320/zz+Chupacabra+Territory.jpg" width="260" /></a></div>
<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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</xml><![endif]-->In 1980, the movie <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Cannibal
Holocaust</i> was released. In this film, a documentary crew had traveled to
the jungle to film cannibal tribes, and then was never heard from again. The
crew’s footage, however, is recovered. Then, nearly two decades later, <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">The Blair Witch Project</i> was released. In
this movie, a documentary crew goes into the forest to document a local legend,
and then is never heard from again. The crew’s footage, however, is recovered.
Yeah, same thing, except <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">The Blair Witch
Project</i> did it without style or any actual scares. But it was a surprising
hit (surprising to me because it’s such an awful, pointless film), and its
success basically guaranteed that we’d be subjected to a seemingly unending
stream of so-called “found footage” films. These movies are characterized by
shaky camera work, repetitive bare-bones scripts, and some of the worst acting
imaginable. Now, don’t get me wrong, occasionally we’ll get a halfway decent
found-footage film. But most of them are just fucking terrible, filled with
lines like “<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">What was that?</i>” and “<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Did you just hear that?</i>” and “<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">What the hell is that?</i>” and “<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">What the hell was that?</i>” and “<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">What the hell happened?</i>” Yes, all of
those lines are in <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Chupacabra Territory</i>,
the latest offering in this tired (and tiresome) sub-genre of horror.<br />
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
In <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Chupacabra
Territory</i>, a young documentary crew goes into the woods to document a local
legend and then is never heard from again. Their footage, however, is
recovered. Sound familiar? Yes, because it’s exactly the same stupid shit that
all of these films give us. It opens with title cards telling us, “<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">In 2013, the FBI released footage by four
campers who went missing in the North Pinewood territory</i>” and, of course, “<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Police recovered several video cameras,
their bodies remain undiscovered</i>.” Then Joe, before their trip into the
woods, talks about how four experienced campers hiked into the area and three
days later were reported missing. Those aren’t the four this movie is about,
however. Joe and three friends go into the area, hoping to document the
presence of the chupacabra, and they are the four that are the subject of this
film. Joe has a strange book that is supposedly made of chupacabra skin and
contains spells for contacting the creature. No word on how he obtained such a
book. But no matter. He is accompanied by Amber, who is completely gung-ho
about the project and is clearly a little nuts; Dave, who mans the camera and is
almost never seen; and Morgan, who introduces himself by saying he hates
camping, dirt, cameras and chupacabras. He claims to be there because of his
good looks “<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">and of course my giant dong</i>.”
Yeah, he’s a moron. But we wonder why he did go along on this trip.
No idea.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
A gas station attendant named Andrew gives the friends
information about the local legends and relates how he happened to personally
see the chupacabra. Apparently, it is responsible for the patch over Andrew’s
eye. He also draws a map for them, showing them the site where the other four
people had camped. The map is like a child’s sketch, and it’s completely
unbelievable that anyone could follow it, but that really doesn’t matter. They
next encounter a park ranger, who tells them the trail is closed and that they
have to go back. He says, “<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Trees are
dying, falling all over, coyotes have been found dead, pieces of them found
spread everywhere</i>.” Great dialogue. Amber and Joe see this as evidence of a
conspiracy. Amber says: “<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">I feel like
there’s a lot of mystery in this forest. I feel like people really want to help
us, but they’re just too afraid to really talk</i>.” What? They’ve met a total
of two people, one of whom not only talked, but drew them a fucking map. Not a
good map, granted, but a map nonetheless. </div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
Each of the four friends straps a camera to his or her head,
ensuring plenty of shaky camera work. And they – against the warnings of the
park ranger – head up the trail. I do appreciate that they point out a
misspelling on a trail sign: “TRALHEAD.” I wonder if that was in the script, or
if someone in the art department made a mistake and the actors decided to play
with it. By the way, even though they all have cameras now, we still mainly get
Dave’s perspective for some reason. (The reason is that he is the director of
photography, and not really an actor.) On the trail, they meet three hikers who
are looking for their friend Bobby. (So in this land, apparently people can
only camp in groups of four.) They go their separate ways, promising to meet up
later. And then suddenly we get footage from those three hikers, because one of
them has a camera. It’s ridiculous that they are suddenly filming everything
too, but they have to because this is a “found footage” film. However, there is
a fun moment when they play a prank on the park ranger. There are actually some
good moments in this movie. I like when a camera catches something that their
eyes did not – a cool touch.</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
Morgan slips and ends up with some goo on his arm (why is
Morgan there again?), which Amber has apparently read about. She tells the
others that it’s “<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">chupacabra residue</i>.”
Oh boy. Also, a branch nearly falls on him, just like the park ranger warned (“<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Trees are dying, falling all over</i>”). He
ends up with a rash on his arm, but it doesn’t occur to them that perhaps they should head
back so a doctor can look at it. Instead, they set up camp and drink beer. Hey,
here’s a question: how did they carry at least one full case of beer in their
backpacks, along with their other supplies, such as two tents, four sleeping
bags and so on? I don’t know. But I do love that Amber has to say, “<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Children, stop peeing on each other</i>.” </div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
Suddenly Amber declares that the other campers are in
trouble. Apparently, Amber has psychic abilities. And then the film cuts back
and forth between their campsite and the campsite of those three hikers (four, once Bobby returns). So who
is responsible for that sort of editing in the story of this film? The FBI?
Well, those hikers have only one camera, so they’d better place it in just exactly
the right spot to catch everything. Of course, I don’t believe for a second
that they would leave the camera running, set at the perimeter of their camp
and aimed into the camp. It’s completely ridiculous. But how else can the
filmmakers show us what’s happening at that other camp? Oh, I’ve got a
solution: don’t make found footage films. But hey, it’s a good thing that girl
landed right in front of that one camera – not once, not twice, but three
times.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
Well, Morgan’s arm becomes infected and Amber begins acting
strangely, saying she wants to commune with the chupacabra, and apparently has
to have sex with Joe to manage it. Whatever. Is there anything less sexy than a
sex scene in a “found footage” film? Another problem with these movies is that people
inexplicably continue to film once things have gone really wrong, which is
never believable. And yet another problem is that you know from the beginning
how these movies will end. After all, no one ever comes back to tell the tale. </div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
But this movie does provide a few jolts, a few scares.
The creature is pretty cool, and is used sparingly. And, rare as it is for this type of film, the cast actually isn’t bad.</div>
Michael Dohertyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00008909555111595107noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5546267824929220339.post-5193609513790604842017-02-10T14:34:00.000-08:002017-02-10T14:34:15.696-08:00Airboss 4: Eco Warrior (2000)<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi36N6O-UIRwokwvmBb2R71K2c5K5T8eSbfZGQOMYoPdqazZMQLFWuDxAuKS2bwIoY_jVEN2ZXOdRepSdG_ACtwY7-MUrFTlcaWSyKYLzSO0fLIYhVlK3QXDymI2ieKGn_PMm4wxTlQvnl5/s1600/zz+Terror+In+The+Air.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi36N6O-UIRwokwvmBb2R71K2c5K5T8eSbfZGQOMYoPdqazZMQLFWuDxAuKS2bwIoY_jVEN2ZXOdRepSdG_ACtwY7-MUrFTlcaWSyKYLzSO0fLIYhVlK3QXDymI2ieKGn_PMm4wxTlQvnl5/s320/zz+Terror+In+The+Air.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
Could the world have gotten along well without <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Airboss 4: Eco Warrior</i>? We’ll never
know. What we do know is by this point, the filmmakers had completely given up
trying to create a story that lasts the full length of a film. Just throw a few
things together, that seems to be the strategy with this one. By the way, the
movie is also known as <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Airboss IV: The X
Factor</i>, which is the title on the DVD case. The title during the opening
credits is <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Airboss: Eco Warrior</i>, and
the title at the end is <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Airboss 4: Eco
Warrior</i>. Whatever you call it, it’s the final movie in this incredibly
shitty series. Amen.<br />
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
Well, Frank White, Webb Buckley and the others are out in
the woods, training. Why are those two FBI agents running exercises with them?
Seems odd. Didn’t they finish that mission (or, actually, three missions) from
the previous film? Wouldn’t they be back to their regular assignments? Or are they
now just permanently assigned to work with Frank and Webb? Well, whatever.
They’re working on a training exercise that simulates a hostage situation, and
for some reason they’ll be in the woods for a week. Wait, isn’t Frank the
Airboss? Shouldn’t he just fly over the woods?</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
Frank tells the others: “<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">We’re less than a mile from our objective. Here’s the plan. We’re going
to lie low and wait</i>.” Wait for that last mile to come to you? How does
remaining a mile from one’s objective allow one to meet that objective? Dumb
fucking plan, Frank. But soon they’re being shot at with real bullets, and
Frank is captured by some weird Russian guy and a Korean chick who want to test
some new interrogation techniques on him. Sounds fun. Except it’s not, at least
not for us. The Asian chick starts asking him about old missions, and so we
start getting little flashbacks to things that just don’t matter.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
Meanwhile, Murphy and Daniels huddle in the woods and
talk about their own past experiences. Hey, wait, that chick isn’t Daniels. Now
she’s someone named Whitney. Where is Daniels? Who made the switch? I guess it
doesn’t matter. Nothing really matters in this movie. This one is particularly
boring, with Frank telling the Asian chick stories of no consequence for
reasons that are unclear. And what’s Webb up to? Well, after getting shot, he
stumbles upon a cabin owned by a couple of hicks and enters a drinking contest
with them. Did someone actually plan this movie out, or did these guys just
grab a video camera and go out into the woods with a few costumes and a case of
beer?</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
Anyway, Murphy and the new Daniels run into Mr. Bernard,
a man whose wife Murphy killed by mistake years earlier. Mr. Bernard and his
men decide to help Murphy and Faux Daniels find Frank. And soon Webb and a
military team join them. But what is it the Russian guy hopes to gain from
Frank’s capture anyway? After he becomes aware that he’s lost a patrol, he
tells the Asian girl he wants results, but what precisely does he want? How can
a drugged up Frank help him find his missing patrol? Again, it doesn’t seem
like the filmmakers had any idea what they were doing. And guess what? Frank is
rescued less than halfway through the film, and it seems like both the Russian
guy and the Korean chick escape. Will we see them again? Will they play a
significant role in the rest of the film? No, not at all. They are never again
seen, or even mentioned.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
So…?</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
So Frank goes back to training pilots. Airboss is back in
the air. But only briefly. Then he goes on vacation. This movie is a mess. So
basically the film starts all over with a different plot, having completely
abandoned the one about the Russian guy in the woods. Now the daughter of Frank’s
commanding officer has run away and joined the crew of a boat called Eco
Warrior. (Now we’re getting somewhere; after all, this is mentioned in the
title. Well, one of the titles.) Frank is ordered to also join the crew of the
boat to watch out for this daughter. Frank flirts with some other girl on the
boat, and there’s a musical montage of them spending time together. And Tammy –
that’s the daughter – is attracted to Frank too. Is the movie becoming a
romantic comedy? There is also a plot involving a duplicitous company and
hazardous waste, but don’t worry, nothing will come of that plot either.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
Things start going wrong on the boat. A guy runs into
Frank’s room, saying: “<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Frank, you gotta
come quick. The radio’s been sabotaged. The engine’s been sabotaged. And Joey’s
dead, man</i>.” Hmm. I would have led with that last bit. In fact, he told
things in the exact opposite order of importance. Come quick, the radio’s
broken? Fucking hell. Then the movie becomes a whodunit on the boat. There is a
cute moment when Frank flips a coin to decide which wire to cut to defuse a
bomb. But wait, what about the company? It gets away with its evil plan
apparently. And what about the Russian guy and Asian girl? They were never
caught? What exactly happens in this movie? Nothing, that’s what. Nothing at
all. </div>
Michael Dohertyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00008909555111595107noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5546267824929220339.post-29730393184296877342017-02-09T17:12:00.001-08:002017-02-09T17:12:32.759-08:00Airboss III: The Payback (2000)<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhQNZmkiQMLtJfzy-Wkz-1w5Sgr9yx526ngCGqz1_IeQywZMqIMhU0dz5eTjcFZvmnQa25QHoSJbyCzIJ5FXP9uK8VXLRHV1BB9ZPVav8ZYQB_11xlJUD2Uf-FwuOlZE758Sjzf-YUx8Npf/s1600/zz+Terror+In+The+Air.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhQNZmkiQMLtJfzy-Wkz-1w5Sgr9yx526ngCGqz1_IeQywZMqIMhU0dz5eTjcFZvmnQa25QHoSJbyCzIJ5FXP9uK8VXLRHV1BB9ZPVav8ZYQB_11xlJUD2Uf-FwuOlZE758Sjzf-YUx8Npf/s320/zz+Terror+In+The+Air.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
When we last left the Airboss (I’m assuming Frank White
is the Airboss), he had gone into space for some reason, and then fought the
head of the CIA, who had planned to kill everyone in New York because he didn’t
feel anything anymore. When Frank was done with that, he’d gone home with his
gay companion, Bone. <br />
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
When <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Airboss III:
The Payback</i> opens, two gunmen sneak aboard a Russian ship and interrupt an
innocent game of strip poker, then steal some weapons-grade plutonium (what
other grades are there?). The military and the FBI have to work together to get
the plutonium back, even though, well, it wasn’t theirs to begin with. Frank is
back to flying training missions. I guess he lost his job at NASA. That means
more dull footage of planes and some of the worst dialogue ever written by
anyone anywhere. And it looks like Frank has a new male companion, Webb Buckley.
And Webb asks aloud what we’re all wondering, “<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Whatever happened to Bone Conn?</i>”</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
Well, this isn’t the kind of film to let us ponder
anything too long. The very next shot shows Bone leading his own little party
in Colombia. But Webb interrupts Bone’s fun to see if he’ll come join his
mission. Wow, Webb got there quickly! Involving his lover’s ex seems risky,
but maybe Webb is planning on a threesome. Though Bone starts fantasizing about
a girl. These heterosexual fantasies don’t last long, of course, and in fact he
kills off the girl in his little fantasy. When Bone and Webb meet an actual
woman, they express befuddlement. “<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">I’m
confused</i>,” Bone says. “<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">I wasn’t aware
that Agent Daniels was a woman</i>.” Even after seeing she is in fact a woman,
he remains confused and calls her “<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Daniel</i>”
at one point. Webb watches him affectionately as he makes an ass of himself
until Mr. Beaver smooths things over. (I’m not sure the character’s actual
name, and I didn’t really hear anything he said, because I was just staring at
his teeth the whole time he was speaking.) Then the four of them begin training
together, but it’s not done to a 1980s rock song, so it seems weird. And why
isn’t Frank involved? Isn’t he the star of this series? Isn’t he the Airboss?</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
The guy with the plutonium holds an online auction to
sell it. Weird, he can afford a blue screen backdrop but not someone to man the
camera. That must have been an awkward moment when he came online, having to
step into frame. Well, now he has fifty million dollars. Maybe he can hire
someone before his next auction. By the way, there’s a nice moment when someone
bids fifty-five million, and the auctioneer cautions him, saying he knows that
his organization doesn’t have that kind of money. That’s one of the film’s best
little moments.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
The captain of a submarine gets inspiration from <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Star Trek</i>. And more than a third of the
way into the film, the writers remember Frank White and give him a phone call
with a mission. Well, not really a mission. He is to just sit there in a room,
following the other characters’ mission. He doesn’t offer advice, or even
speak. What kind of Airboss is he?</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
Anyway, halfway through the movie, they catch the guy
with the plutonium, so immediately the characters hear of some other,
completely unrelated act of terrorism, some other group, blah blah blah. Yes, a
totally different mission halfway through the film. Is Frank White a part of
this mission? Nope. Lazy Airboss. This time he’s not even listening in. Where
is he? And Webb wears Frank’s “Bad Dog” helmet. Must be a lovers’ thing, wearing
each other’s clothes. (Though in another shot, the helmet doesn’t say “Bad Dog.”
Hmm.)</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
Well, Bone doesn’t make it. So there is a montage of
shots of him, a tribute of sorts to a gay character that we hardly knew, ending
with a shot of a cemetery. Ah, that’s how we’ll always remember him. And somehow there
is still a half hour left in the film, so the remaining characters start
drinking. Me too.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
Soon the three are given another mission, and this time
it is decided to bring in Frank White, who in the last twenty minutes has taken
up ornithology and gotten a better haircut. But upon hearing of his old lover’s
death, Frank gets angry and accepts the mission. So…. I guess the guy with the
plutonium is…. What? Safely locked away somewhere? And the Russians who owned
the plutonium aren’t asking for it back? Who knows? This movie is a mess, but
it might actually be better than the second one. It’s certainly better than the
first one. Ah, what will <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Airboss IV</i>
have in store for us?</div>
Michael Dohertyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00008909555111595107noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5546267824929220339.post-65210184844781075212017-02-04T22:12:00.000-08:002017-02-04T22:12:17.720-08:00Airboss II: Preemptive Strike (1998)<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj7O0B01Smtd6p5qBNzN2T1OgLl1qSBKGhC5Y3hUiV69GhEAbBWi-1ar3BPnn-hRlNe8Js_bLDwRgXCTJipqVdhwY0mH0ZUoH0doOPV0kl-mwyawt6s4ps-0CIT2v9m2ODcSBTyS9cecVwY/s1600/zz+Terror+In+The+Air.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj7O0B01Smtd6p5qBNzN2T1OgLl1qSBKGhC5Y3hUiV69GhEAbBWi-1ar3BPnn-hRlNe8Js_bLDwRgXCTJipqVdhwY0mH0ZUoH0doOPV0kl-mwyawt6s4ps-0CIT2v9m2ODcSBTyS9cecVwY/s320/zz+Terror+In+The+Air.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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</xml><![endif]-->I put off watching <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Airboss
II: Preemptive Strike</i> for a long time because the first <a href="http://greatthingsaboutbadmovies.blogspot.com/2016/07/airboss-1997.html"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Airboss</i></a> was so awful. I wanted to forget
it, in order to give this one a chance. And I did, largely, forget it. Now I
need to start working on forgetting <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Airboss
II: Preemptive Strike</i>. While it is actually better than the first one (it
couldn’t possibly be worse), it’s still not a good movie.<br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
James Kelley gets a phone call from a mysterious man who
asks him how he feels watching his fighter planes. “<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">I don’t feel anything</i>,” Mr. Kelley says. Oh boy. The mysterious
caller, who apparently owns a lot of oil, then tells him, “<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">I despise your decadent society, and I’ll tell you, I will destroy it</i>.”
There is actually a nice political message in there about the corruption of our
government. Also, check out this eerily prescient line: “<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">As long as the economy is good and we’re at peace, Charles Manson could
be in the White House, and no one would give a shit</i>.”</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
There are a lot of boring shots of planes flying around
as Frank “Bad Dog” White trains another pilot. Things pick up a bit, however, with
the appearance of two strippers. Boobies work to distract me from the lack of
story and characters. Unfortunately, those breasts are seen only briefly, and
then we have to go back to the plot, such as it is. Frank White is giving up
the carefree life of a fighter pilot to become an astronaut, and is going to
command his maiden space voyage. Frank’s gay friend (whose name is Bone – I’m
not kidding) watches the launch, commenting, “<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">God, you look great up there</i>.” He then says, “<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Just get back to me, all right?</i>” But Frank might be more interested
in Lucy, his young female co-pilot, though he does request a golden shower from
his gay friend. Keeping up his options, I think.</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
One of the scientists on the space shuttle reveals that
he’s brought a genetically altered strain of the Ebola virus on board in his
lunch box. (By the way, the scientist is named “Bix Bender,” though every time
his name was spoken, I thought they were saying “Big Spender.”) There are only
four people on this mission – two scientists, Frank and Lucy. And Lucy doesn’t
seem to do a single thing on the mission. Anyway, when the shuttle lands, two
people in sunglasses say they’re from NASA security and need to talk with the
scientists. A little later they approach Frank just to tell him he’s been
asking a lot of questions, this coming immediately after we hear him ask his
first question, about the whereabouts of the science team. They must have been
standing nearby waiting for him to ask a question, just so they could try to
intimidate him with their cliché line. Well, it doesn’t work. Frank is not
intimidated. He finds Big Spender, who tells him that someone took the Ebola
virus. Uh-oh.</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
And it gets worse. The CIA and FBI are behind it, so Frank
and his gay friend lead a black ops mission to take down the villains. They buy
a tank and some guns, and… Well, it’s all very silly. And a girl is able to
hack the CIA computer system in like three seconds. Soon a plan to kill
everyone in New York is revealed. Frank asks Mr. Kelley, “<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">How can you kill that many people?</i>” Kelley responds, “<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">What have they ever done for me?</i>” Ah, it’s
difficult to argue with that logic. But the movie ends happily, with Frank going home with his gay friend.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
The lesson you might take away from this film is that
people who wear sunglasses and smoke cigars are bad people.</div>
Michael Dohertyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00008909555111595107noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5546267824929220339.post-15947639851259422152016-07-26T01:01:00.000-07:002016-07-26T01:01:46.626-07:00Airboss (1997)<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgowMJvnF7DsstE2H-1nyOe_e9KDk_AbicIDiTA9P8f4frWFTPRUG9U_4T27yunKV5m7XImIKkX-YRRZtiMYEEsxOBcZ2DzsXngnTrI-G-3WU7Wb95pPmvAwLoIp8byZwbUZXnMA9aO-Qau/s1600/zz+Terror+In+The+Air.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgowMJvnF7DsstE2H-1nyOe_e9KDk_AbicIDiTA9P8f4frWFTPRUG9U_4T27yunKV5m7XImIKkX-YRRZtiMYEEsxOBcZ2DzsXngnTrI-G-3WU7Wb95pPmvAwLoIp8byZwbUZXnMA9aO-Qau/s320/zz+Terror+In+The+Air.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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</xml><![endif]-->I mentioned earlier that a
friend bought me a DVD collection titled <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Terror
In The Air</i>, which contains nine movies on two discs. The first movie of the
collection, <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Crash Landing</i>, isn’t very
good. The second, <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Airborne</i>, is much
worse. But the next several are quite enjoyable, and I started to revise by
overall feeling about this collection. Then I watched <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Airboss</i>, a movie which makes <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Airborne</i>
look like a masterpiece by comparison. This is one of the worst of the worst.<br />
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<br /></div>
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It opens with shots of
miscellaneous military planes in the air. Then we go to Pokalsko Airbase in the
former USSR. A title card tells us it’s decommissioned. Suddenly a bunch of
folks parachute in and begin killing people, people who must have seen them
coming, people who had plenty of time to react. After all, it’s broad daylight.
But they seem very surprised at being killed. Perhaps they were expecting
friends to parachute in. Elsewhere, a woman is yelling into a man’s ear that
they must stop them. Stop whom? All she knows is that the alarm was triggered.
But she has no idea of the type of emergency. Unless, maybe she’s clairvoyant? </div>
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<br /></div>
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Well, the bad guys reach their
target, and that’s when their leader decides to stop and give a little speech
about their mission. Now? Mostly it’s to let us know what’s going on. But
seriously, shouldn’t they just get on with it? Well, the leader says they’re
going to steal a MIG-35 stealth bomber. And I wonder, Why are all the extras in
masks, but the actors are not? Either there’s a need for secrecy or there isn’t.
Hmmm. Did the leader just hand masks to people he didn’t want to hear speak on
this mission? “<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">If I give you a mask, it
means shut up, no matter what</i>.” Anyway, they steal the plane, and that
woman laments, “<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">We will never see that
plane again</i>.” Apparently, she has some sort of unnatural attachment to this
particular plane.</div>
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We then go to Hafar Al Batin
Oil Field in Saudi Arabia. Yes, this movie hits all the hot tourist spots. Hey,
here comes that stealth bomber. And though it’s nearly dark, the man on the ground
shields his eyes when looking up at it. Bombs away! Now it’s time to shield
your eyes, fellah. So the plan is to target a lot of oil fields, so that one
guy’s oil will be worth more. Oh no, the poor struggling oil industry is being
targeted! Geez, give those guys a break, you ruthless villains! “<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Your oil will be worth billions more</i>,”
one villain says to another. I never thought an oil magnate could be so greedy.
You’d think the billions he was already making would be sufficient.</div>
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<br /></div>
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Meanwhile, the navy and the CIA
are bickering over jurisdiction regarding the case. The CIA suit threatens to
go up inside the navy guy’s ass, but before he can follow through on his
threat, some other guy interrupts. And the camera isn’t sure which character to
focus on. This guy, no, this guy, no, that guy. Hey, does this guy have a line?
Um, no, quick, back to that other guy. Hey, a wide shot would solve this issue.
Or you could shoot coverage, like every other movie ever made. No? Okay, the
master is all in close-ups, bouncing around like a nervous junkie. Who shoots
like this? I’m too caught up in this bizarre camera decision to be able to
follow any of the dialogue. A guy named Todd is given the opportunity to lead a
team to solve the problem, but there are more ass-related threats, and I’m fairly
certain this movie is going to end with an all-male military orgy. Poor Todd is
unhappy that Frank White is being brought in on his team. But seriously, would
you ever put someone named Todd in charge of anything? I wouldn’t.</div>
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I didn’t think it was possible
to make air combat dull, but a flashback to a training mission proves me wrong.
“<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Sometimes in air combat, you gotta be a
little crazy, Willis</i>.” A little bit of crazy, a whole lot of dull. But with
more threats of driving a rocket into someone’s ass. I get it: the two
screenwriters are super, super gay. That’s fine, and if this movie doesn’t end
with a giant anal sex scene, I’m going to be upset. And how can you have a
character named Willis and not have someone else say, “<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">What you talkin’ ‘bout, Willis?</i>” Well, whatever, the boring
flashback is also a dream sequence. Ugh. Then, to spice up the exciting
man-riding-in-a-jeep sequence, we repeat part of the flashback. Oh god, this
movie has stopped cold, and we’re only twenty-six minutes into it.</div>
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<br /></div>
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Anyway, nothing whatsoever
happens for the following ten minutes. Then the team begins its mission, which
I guess is to find out who is destroying the oil fields. Frank White flies
around until he hears of an oil field being attacked, and then flies to that
oil field, but can’t go into restricted air space. That means more footage of
planes flying around. The guy with the stolen plane fires on Frank’s plane.
What about the oil field? They seem to have forgotten about that. Frank’s plane
is hit, he ejects, and then he talks to himself for a while. We follow him as
he walks along back to America, or wherever. So I guess the mission is on hold
again. You’d think there would be more than one plane on this case, what, with
billions in oil at stake. But no, it’s just this one guy. And so the movie is
now about Frank walking around. And guess what? That other pilot that was
shooting at him finds him. Geez, doesn’t this guy have other stuff to take care
of? Oil fields to blow up and so on? Nope. He gives Frank a little history
lesson, then tells him: “<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">You, American,
you killed my country. You killed me</i>.”</div>
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Then, when the villain’s female
accomplice hears Frank utter a feeble prayer, she suddenly becomes
compassionate and frees him. It’s completely unbelievable, but, hey, whatever
gets this movie to its conclusion, right? It leads to the villain saying, “<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">What a day I am having</i>.” Anyway, the
military comes in to rescue Frank, and there is a lot of shooting and running
and falling down, and a lot of shots of the villain speaking into a phone. It’s
all very thrilling, but what about the oil fields? And, oh boy, in the middle
of it all Frank starts making out with the Russian chick. Why not?</div>
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<br /></div>
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The oil guy is of course upset
with the Russian guy. But haven’t they already destroyed several oil fields?
Who knows? Only twenty minutes left in the movie. So anyway, all the military
guys get Frank out, only to then send him back in to attack the villain. It’s a
shame they didn’t think to do that earlier before they left. Now they have to
parachute back in and use up more film. So there’s more shooting and running
around and falling down. It couldn’t be more boring, and yet somehow someone
somewhere decided this movie deserved a sequel. Actually, three sequels. It’s
incredible. The villain sums up the entire film-watching experience near the
end: “<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Life is full of little
disappointments</i>.” And then, guess what, when his plane crashes, it actually
manages to smash into and blow up another oil facility. Even in death, he’s
continuing to do his job. Good for him! But where the hell is the gay orgy we’ve
been promised?</div>
Michael Dohertyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00008909555111595107noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5546267824929220339.post-84846940977799351072016-07-19T16:14:00.001-07:002016-07-19T16:14:23.679-07:00Airborne (1998)<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhjzJhEUVu8hjw-X0zjoReYQXYlKe6Ih9awp-CHQKrv8Zt8Upy5COVvARp7cQTywvLXt8WAz-5jGrY8WfXrc8Y1hNW_560xqRHN6ot3z7bC9ZFmqetOus98LKJfcs4Zky3uFFBL_B8kJ6js/s1600/zz+Terror+In+The+Air.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhjzJhEUVu8hjw-X0zjoReYQXYlKe6Ih9awp-CHQKrv8Zt8Upy5COVvARp7cQTywvLXt8WAz-5jGrY8WfXrc8Y1hNW_560xqRHN6ot3z7bC9ZFmqetOus98LKJfcs4Zky3uFFBL_B8kJ6js/s320/zz+Terror+In+The+Air.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
A friend of mine recently gave
me a DVD set titled <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Terror In The Air</i>,
a collection of nine action movies all involving airplanes. The first movie of
the collection, <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Crash Landing</i>, isn’t
all that good. The second, <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Airborne</i>,
is much worse. You know you’re in for a bad movie when it begins with a long
title card which is also read aloud to you (because, the producers must feel,
the movie’s audience might be too stupid to be able to read): “<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">February 1990. The Gulf War erupts and</i>…”
And I’ve stopped paying attention. Something about one of those elite forces
the government is always creating in movies. “<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Shrouded in total secrecy, they infiltrate hot spots, execute their
mission and disappear. Until the next time</i>.”<br />
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I’m worried that it must be the
next time.</div>
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<br /></div>
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Sean Bean and some guys break
into a laboratory and steal some glowing beads, an experiment in using a virus
as a biological weapon. So it’s up to the elite force led by action movie hero
Steve Guttenberg (who seems to be imitating Bruce Willis), to recapture the
glowing beads before they can be used against a population. The virus is
currently on a plane, so the elite force is going to do one of those popular
mid-air entries. “<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">All right, we’ve all
got our dance cards</i>,” action movie hero Steve Guttenberg says. And then the
elite team is identified with title cards while the group’s theme song plays. I’m
beginning to suspect this is a comedy. But there are lots of dramatic pauses
before they start their mission, which seem to indicate these characters wish
to be taken seriously. </div>
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<br /></div>
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Everything goes well on their
mission, but they take the dangerous cylinder out of its protective case for
some reason, and then toss it around. This is supposed to build suspense, I
suppose, but it just comes across as seriously stupid. And there’s some
fighting on the plane, and one of the bad guys calls action movie hero Steve
Guttenberg by name. By his character’s name, that is: Bill McNeil. The elite
force escapes, but the movie is far from over. How did that villain know his
name, action movie hero Steve Guttenberg wonders. And we are supposed to wonder
that too, but I’m not all that concerned.</div>
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<br /></div>
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Elite team supervisor Ron
Simpson (Colm Feore, who must have been wondering what the hell he was doing
in this movie) and action movie hero Steve Guttenberg go for a drive. Ron goes
to put on some Abba or Diana Ross, but puts in the wrong CD, and a man starts
talking to him through the speakers, and somehow that makes the car doors lock.
Also, the brakes and steering wheel stop functioning. Uh-oh! Not that we’re
overly concerned about these characters, but now it’s beyond any doubt that
this is a bad movie. And I wonder, What would the bad guys have done had Ron
decided not to put on this CD? I mean, sometimes you just want to drive in
silence, and not listen to a man’s voice threaten you on your stereo. And
sometimes you don’t even want to listen to Abba or Diana Ross. Well, of course
Ron and action movie hero Steve Guttenberg escape. But I’m also wondering, How
would killing these two help the bad guys get the virus back? It’s not like
the elite force still has it. Their mission is over. It’s been over for a
while.</div>
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<br /></div>
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Well, one of the other members
of the elite force is murdered, and a murder attempt is made on the female
member, Sara. So Ron, Sara and action movie hero Steve Guttenberg no longer
trust anyone, including their bosses. So they decide to steal the virus
themselves in order to find out who the buyer is. That seems somewhat nutty and
dangerous, but the movie has to go on. It’s about this time that I recall that
the DVD box set is called <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Terror In The
Air</i>. The entire plane sequence was over in the first twenty minutes. Hmm.
Anyway, the team breaks in to the place where the virus is stored without any
trouble whatsoever. But when they get the container, Sean Bean is there like
Belloq in <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Raiders</i> to take it from
them. There is a cool liquid nitrogen death, but the whole thing is so silly.
Where are the guards? So now the bad guys have the virus again. And I learn
that secret operations agents take long bubble baths.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="tab-stops: 352.2pt;">
Action movie hero Steve
Guttenberg walks in slow motion in a couple of scenes. That builds suspense,
even when he and Sara are just walking down a hotel hallway. What will happen?
And then, with eighteen minutes left in the movie, we have another airplane
sequence. Well, an airport sequence, anyway. The plane never gets off the
ground (so much for <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Terror In The Air</i>).
Why does no one carry that virus in a protective case? The movie’s ending
provides a few answers to certain questions, but no answer to that question. </div>
Michael Dohertyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00008909555111595107noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5546267824929220339.post-85321131677866545672016-07-01T12:42:00.000-07:002016-07-01T12:54:52.299-07:00Shark Exorcist (2015)<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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</xml><![endif]-->My friends know I love shark
movies, and one of them alerted me to the existence of <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Shark Exorcist</i> several months ago. The title is, of course, ridiculous.
Deliciously so. Shark movie fans are used to wacky titles by now, after seeing
movies like <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Sharknado</i> and <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Raiders Of The Lost Shark</i> and <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Sharktopus</i> (hey, I still haven’t seen <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Sharktopus</i>). So a title like <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Shark Exorcist</i> doesn’t scare me off;
quite the opposite, actually. However, if you are someone who is going to judge
from the title alone that this is a terrible movie, well… you’re right. It’s
about a possessed shark in a lake, and a possessed girl. Or does the girl
actually become the shark? It’s unclear.<br />
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="tab-stops: 352.2pt;">
When the movie opens, a nun
walks through a graveyard, while we hear a news report about a search for Miss
Blair (a nod to <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">The Exorcist</i>,
obviously) who is accused of the torture and deaths of several boys and girls.
The nun walks to the ocean and says to it, “<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">The
world has betrayed me, so the world will taste my vengeance</i>.” The ocean
doesn’t reply. When a woman suddenly approaches her and threatens to reveal
what the nun has done, the nun pulls a large blade from her robe and stabs her
with it. She then pushes her body into the water and asks Satan to send her an
avenger in return. Time to cue the goofy yellow-eyed CG shark. And <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Shark Exorcist</i> is underway. (By the way,
no more will ever be said about the murdered boys and girls, so don’t go
thinking that’s part of the plot.)</div>
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<br /></div>
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One year later, three dippy
girls are heading to a lake. Lauren, the dumbest of the three, says “<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">BFF</i>” and expects the lake to have
waterslides. And Ali is having boyfriend troubles. Emily is the brunette and so
is the smartest and most likeable of the three. A sign at the lake says “<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Swim at your own risk</i>,” and Lauren can’t
get eaten soon enough for me. But it’s Ali that goes swimming and is attacked.
So apparently, over the last year, the shark moved to the lake. (Unless that
was the lake at the beginning; but then, why would there be a shark in it?)
Also, it appears that someone wrote a poem or grocery list on Ali. Apparently,
there was no money in the budget for special effects makeup, and so there is no
bite on Ali. Just some fake blood on her leg. Just rinse it off and you’ll be
fine, Ali.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="tab-stops: 352.2pt;">
But Ali is far from fine.
According to her friends, she is acting strangely, taking long baths and so on.
Emily is concerned, and reminds her, “<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Three
weeks ago there was this chunk bitten out of your leg</i>.” (Not true, as we
saw, but whatever.) Ali tells her, “<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">That’s
the thing about almost dying, Emily: it is a real buzz kill</i>.” Emily points
out that there isn’t even a scar on her leg. But we’re already well aware of
that. After all, there was never a wound. Ali then hitchhikes to the lake, and
the guy that picks her up goes swimming with her. Hey, someone scribbled on his
flesh too, in the same place where that grocery list is written on Ali. Could
this be a key to unlocking the mystery of <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Shark
Exorcist</i>? Who has been writing on this movie’s cast?</div>
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<br /></div>
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Meanwhile a redhead named Nancy
Chase is doing a low-budget expos<span style="mso-bidi-font-style: italic;">é</span>
on the lake. She hosts a reality-type show titled <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Ghost Whackers</i>, which is shot by a guy with a cheap video camera (just
like the rest of the movie). Though at certain points she turns away from the
guy with the camera and speaks directly to us through the movie’s camera, oddly
breaking the fourth wall, and giving her cameraman a dubious shot of the back
of her head. She also talks to the water, asking if it’s true that sharks have
been attacking people. She says, “<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">If
there is a shark here, I believe it’s possessed, possessed by a demon</i>.” Okay,
then. And she acts like she herself is possessed. When some girl interrupts her
taping to protest and insult her show, rather than just cutting until the woman
leaves, Nancy acts like her show is being broadcast live. Weird. And the second
time Nancy acts like she’s possessed, her film crew (meaning that one guy) runs
away. No matter.</div>
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As for the film’s title, well,
there is a priest named Father Michael who gets a letter about the mysterious
death of his brother, and shows up to… well, investigate, I assume. Is his
brother the guy with the writing on his side? We’re never told. The letter, by
the way, is read in voice over by someone who seems to be struggling to speak.
Father Michael seems to have some information on Ali’s troubles. And during the short exorcism scene, we get the obligatory, inevitable <i>Jaws</i> reference: "<i>You</i><i>’re going to need a bigger cross</i>." (We also get the pea soup from <i>The Exorcist.</i>) And for some reason, the movie shows us three witches trying to summon a spirit, while some other girl crawls around in a graveyard. Nothing ever comes of this, so pay these characters no attention. There is also a retarded woman playing with toy sharks on a playground. Hey, does she always wear her swimsuit under her clothes? </div>
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Three more blondes are
introduced halfway through the movie, and – oh no – they’re sorority sisters.
Or, one is, and the other two want to be. If they are willing and able to swim
in the lake without getting eaten by the shark, they get to join the sorority.
That leads to the question, which is the worse fate? But don’t worry – these
three girls are here for only one scene, and then are forgotten. And there is a
long scene of some other blonde walking along slowly, then putting down a
towel, sitting on it and playing with her phone. Who is she? A guy is watching
her, taking photos of her. Who is he? No idea. But we get to see him scroll
through every single photo he’s taken of the girl with his phone. This exciting
development is shortly before the end of the film.</div>
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For a movie titled <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Shark Exorcist</i>, it doesn’t really have
much footage of the shark or the exorcist. And the shark footage that is there
is really awful. The shark and the actors are never in the same frame. The
movie also suffers from some terrible music, as well as some poor ADR. Watch
the priest’s mouth during the scene where he meets Emily. His mouth doesn’t
match the sound. And what’s up with the weird limping extra in the carnival
scene? Why is there a carnival scene anyway? Still, I did have fun watching this
one. Hey, at one point the shark arrives from space. It really doesn’t make any
sense whatsoever, but I’m not sure it was ever intended to.<br />
<br />
The movie is only an hour long, so after a portion of the closing credits, we’re given another scene. It’s of a girl looking at an aquarium, and then at some plush shark toys. It goes on for several minutes. And then just before the last of the closing credits, there is yet another scene. Just end, already! </div>
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By the way, two people are
credited with special makeup effects. Hmm. One of them is Alaine Huntington,
who is also an actor in the film. She’s also an associate producer. And the
second unit director. And she’s in charge of transportation in Louisiana. <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Shark Exorcist</i> was written and directed
by Donald Farmer, who also made the Misty Mundae movie <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">An Erotic Vampire In Paris</i> (which surprisingly is a much better
movie). </div>
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<br />
(Note: I posted a somewhat shorter review of this movie on Pop Culture Beast.)</div>
Michael Dohertyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00008909555111595107noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5546267824929220339.post-45062148406345452772016-06-11T20:14:00.000-07:002016-06-11T20:14:02.684-07:00Die Fighting (2014)<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgqtU17TqktunNlgZOQD4cX2gfnFb_2EmNctVwjQYqtfF12VBJhFKtmbyyQXVb3Tv4CmnsE8kSdeJZjfVtvaTOEsJFwY8hZaPPaR-J4WCDYCb7cteKMkp5QoEZ0C0pwOlb40TERj2-CFkMb/s1600/zz+Die+Fighting+blu.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgqtU17TqktunNlgZOQD4cX2gfnFb_2EmNctVwjQYqtfF12VBJhFKtmbyyQXVb3Tv4CmnsE8kSdeJZjfVtvaTOEsJFwY8hZaPPaR-J4WCDYCb7cteKMkp5QoEZ0C0pwOlb40TERj2-CFkMb/s320/zz+Die+Fighting+blu.png" width="249" /></a></div>
When <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Die Fighting</i>
begins, the little red “REC” sign appears in the upper right corner of the
screen, and I get a little nervous that this might be one of those “found
footage” films, which some filmmakers still think are interesting. But it
isn’t, at least not exactly, since the footage was made deliberately. It’s
about a group of martial arts enthusiasts who want to break into Hollywood, and
are forced into playing roles in someone’s odd idea of a movie. <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Die Fighting</i> was written, edited and
directed by Fabien Garcia, who also plays the lead role, a character named
Fabien Garcia.<br />
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The first images are of a man
watching news footage about a martial arts team called the Z Team winning some
award and coming to Hollywood. This man is videotaping himself from behind,
from a couple of angles, so what we get are wonderful shots of a person’s back
and video monitors. On one of his screens we see a man who has apparently
killed a few people and is upset about it. A title card then reads “24
Hours Earlier.”</div>
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Twenty-four hours earlier is
this guy’s birthday party. It’s Fabien Garcia, leader of Z Team, and one of his
friends is videotaping him. Someone is lurking outside, also videotaping him.
Fabien opens a present with no name on it, and it turns out to be a camera
slate, with “The Price Of Success” written on it. Fabien and the other members
of Z Team have come to Hollywood to pursue their dream of making movies. But
one member now says he’s going to move to China to take a job there, because he’s
impatient for success, and because it’s difficult to get money to make a
feature film. (Ha, the joke is on him, as this movie seems to have been made
for only a few thousand dollars.) However, after Fabien’s wife is kidnaped, the team
stays together to rescue her. </div>
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The mysterious villain at the
monitors calls the Z Team and starts giving them instructions, warning that if
they don’t do precisely what he wants, he will kill the girl. The first thing
he has them do is put on special collars with tracking systems in them, and to
throw away their cell phones. Now they’ll have other cell phones that he’s
given them, which apparently can only call him. Not even 911? Is that possible?
They don’t ever try calling for help, so who knows? Their first task is to attack
an armored truck. Somehow the villain has control over a ton of street cameras,
and we see the fight sequence from several angles. It’s remarkable that four unarmed
guys, without any plan or strategy, are able to take out the guards, as well as
policemen who happen by, and make off with the money.</div>
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<br /></div>
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So now they’re criminals
themselves. And this is all to possibly save some girl whom we’ve seen for only
a couple of minutes, a character that is about as interesting and dynamic and
human as a sock left in a corner of a laundromat. I say let her die and get
on with your lives. Well, the group splits up and Fabien is led to a church, where
the priest is tied to a chair and utters that great line, “<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Why are you doing this?</i>” (From now on, whenever you watch a movie,
listen for that line. You’d be surprised just many movies have a character ask
that question. This movie uses the line three times.) <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The villain calls Fabien and tells him he’s
the star of his new movie. So the villain is making the dreams of Z Team come
true by videotaping them. Not only has he set up thousands of cameras, but has
also hired a bunch of thugs to rough up a priest. Or is the priest an actor
too? Fabien spots one of the cameras in the church, but soon there is an
excellent fight sequence to distract us from the silly plot. Because, yes, as
ridiculous as this movie is, the fights are actually quite good.</div>
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Meanwhile, the other three members
of Z Team are at an abandoned hospital, and just when they’re considering going
to the police, the police come to them. But instead of giving up and explaining
the situation (they have the collars, the phones, and so on), and enlisting
their help in rescuing the girl, they fight the SWAT team. It’s lucky the
villain put hundreds of cameras in every single room and hallway of this
hospital. No matter where the Z Team runs, he’s able to get multiple angles of
them. How much did the villain spend on this? Wouldn’t it have been better for
him to just hire the Z Team to do a real film? After all, they’re hungry for
fame, and would have done the movie for very little money. Then the villain
would have had more control over the environment, and gotten better shots.
There’d be better wardrobe too. And a script. Imagine a script, and what
wonders it could do for his movie. (At one point later on, he says “<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">It’s in the script</i>” to one of his hired
thugs, but the thug is just as confused by this idea of there being a script as
we are.) Hey, when the SWAT guys regain consciousness, won’t they be curious
about all the cameras?</div>
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When the villain calls the team
to congratulate them on escaping from the SWAT team, it sounds like he says “<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">excape</i>.” How can they take this guy
seriously? The villain then has Fabien go to a martial arts class and fight the
whole lot of them – teacher and students. Don’t these students wonder why there
are suddenly tons of cameras all over the room, including some on the mat?
Meanwhile the other three get into a gun battle (it’s a good thing one of them
picked up three guns earlier). Again, how long until they say, “<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">You know, that bland girl isn’t worth it</i>”?
Are they really going to kill people over this? The answer is yes. And one of Z
Team is killed in the gun battle. But still the others go on with this guy’s game.
Immediately the villain calls to console the other two: “<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Your friend will live forever through his performance in my film</i>.”
I think he’s greatly overestimating the appeal of his little independent
straight-to-video masterpiece.</div>
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<br /></div>
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Toward the end, only Fabien and
one other Z Team member are left, and the villain wants them to fight each
other to the death. And guess what? At some point the villain kidnaped the
other guy’s wife too. Apparently, they both married mousy little Asian girls.
Isn’t it convenient that these are the two survivors? What if it had been the
other two? Whom would he have kidnaped to make them fight? And when did he
kidnap the other girl? It doesn’t really matter. At the end, there is a twist
that sort of answers some questions, but which is unbelievable and ridiculous.
But along the way, there are several completely enjoyable fight sequences. Just
watch those and fast forward through the rest of the movie.</div>
Michael Dohertyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00008909555111595107noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5546267824929220339.post-52740501805469175152016-06-06T04:15:00.000-07:002016-06-06T04:15:10.147-07:00The Nasty Terrible T-Kid 170: Julius Cavero (2016)<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj80vZzqhKIsNZDoc9jBAZvz1NzOdDTdhQ6AnsGV_DpPZVny9DH7XlFPuH6_vY3Cc_eVWyHRJvjPgKTKs8A-CCCnYdlytKHr8Eby1Iqmk3B968pjVmXedJwfaN3JH8IqV42Tzf5D3QCIiQ0/s1600/zz+the+nasty+terrible.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj80vZzqhKIsNZDoc9jBAZvz1NzOdDTdhQ6AnsGV_DpPZVny9DH7XlFPuH6_vY3Cc_eVWyHRJvjPgKTKs8A-CCCnYdlytKHr8Eby1Iqmk3B968pjVmXedJwfaN3JH8IqV42Tzf5D3QCIiQ0/s320/zz+the+nasty+terrible.jpg" width="225" /></a></div>
I’d long had a theory that all graffiti was done by
twelve-year-old girls. Because, honestly, who likes to write in big bubble
letters? That’s right: twelve-year-old girls. But apparently some grown men
also like big bubble letters. <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">The Nasty
Terrible T-Kid 170: Julius Cavero</i> is documentary film following one such
grown man, Julius Cavero. I knew very little about graffiti art before watching
this film. And actually, I hesitate to call “art” something that mars or
damages someone else’s property. That being said, I’ve seen some beautiful,
vibrant paintings on the sides of buildings, paintings which somehow made an
ugly section of city look friendlier, happier.<br />
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
As the film opens, Julius in voice over, tries to
distinguish the artists from those who are just looking for attention, the
difference between art and simple tagging. The movie basically stays with him
and his perspective. There is quite a bit of pseudo-philosophical musings on
his part. He says things like: “<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">The
bottom line is with the past there is no future. Remember that. You have to
have a past to have a future</i>.” Did he just contradict himself there? Well,
it’s clear this isn’t the brightest guy around. There is also a whole lot of
bragging. “<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">I’ll always be relevant</i>,”
he tells us. And he says, “<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">We took this
to a whole nother level</i>.” By the way, everyone, “<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">nothe</i>r” is not a word. The word you’re looking for is “other.”
Remember that.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
The filmmaker does ask him why he chose spray paint as
his method of self-expression, and he tells the story of being young and seeing
two kids spray painting a train. And that moment had a strong impact on him. To
the director’s credit, she also asks him, “<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">What
do you think about expressing yourself on other people’s property?</i>” He
tells her: “<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">I never personally, like,
spray painted on somebody’s car or I spray painted on somebody’s house. I did
tag my name on mailboxes, trucks, anything commercial</i>.” He says he only
spray painted on public property “<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">because
I am the public</i>.”</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
He does talk about joining a gang, and about leaving it.
It’s a shame it took him getting shot to leave. And he tells us where the name T-Kid 170 comes from. And when he’s not
bragging, he does have a few interesting things to say. Like about getting
legitimate jobs. But this documentary is a bit messy, and it’s difficult to
know just when certain things occurred. And a lot of shots just aren’t properly
identified. For example, there is a shot of him with Brian Grazer, but no
explanation of how this meeting came about, or when, or where. Plus, there is a
lot of poor-quality old video. And for such a short film (it’s only 49 minutes), there is some
pointless stuff, like several moments of him trying to pronounce “<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Champs-Élysées</i>” while he’s in France. </div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
There are brief snippets of interviews with other
graffiti artists, but this isn’t any kind of in-depth documentary on the
subject of graffiti. No other perspectives are really presented. For example,
we don’t hear from the people who own the property that’s been vandalized. We
don’t hear from the police. I thought it might also be interesting to hear from
the guys whose job it is to clean up graffiti. And I wish the people who had
hired Julius Cavero for legitimate jobs had been interviewed. This documentary
is essentially a puff piece. At one point Julius actually says, “<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">We was doing masterworks of art on subway
cars</i>.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Wow. </div>
Michael Dohertyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00008909555111595107noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5546267824929220339.post-69116293827819227362016-01-31T03:23:00.000-08:002016-01-31T03:23:38.071-08:00Shark Island (2012)<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgg0DSWY1WM2q4WxfzHcO9JFiQIf_LsgVjAatRKSyF56QR0kWhVUKbfGk2tgDeJ4FV-ax6b5t9ShHt8X91XId_TiQjYL_fWYOKfJJ0ORmtXlEVRzh_PHJpkJc2RGUR9v0hEHKld5XGt-Xkd/s1600/zz+shark+island.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgg0DSWY1WM2q4WxfzHcO9JFiQIf_LsgVjAatRKSyF56QR0kWhVUKbfGk2tgDeJ4FV-ax6b5t9ShHt8X91XId_TiQjYL_fWYOKfJJ0ORmtXlEVRzh_PHJpkJc2RGUR9v0hEHKld5XGt-Xkd/s320/zz+shark+island.jpg" width="221" /></a></div>
<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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</xml><![endif]-->As you know, most shark movies are bad. <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Shark Island</i> is bad even among other
shark movies. It was originally titled <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Shark
Week</i>, and was released on DVD under that title too. Apparently it was also
released as <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Shark Assault</i>. But
whatever they call it, this movie is a piece of crap.<br />
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
At the beginning, a man throws a key into his pool and
tells another man he has fifteen seconds. That second man is bound in chains,
so apparently the first man means he has fifteen seconds to retrieve the key
and unlock his chains. Now it’s not clear when those fifteen seconds start, because
the second guy dawdles at the edge of the pool for a while. But let’s say the
time starts the moment he gets in the water. Okay? When he has nine seconds
left, the man says, “<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Twelve seconds</i>”
(not that the guy can hear him at the bottom of the pool anyway). Then when he
has negative four seconds left, the man says, “<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Seven seconds</i>.” And when he has negative twelve seconds, the man
tells him, “<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Five seconds</i>.” At
negative twenty-one seconds, the man says, “<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Three</i>.”
When he says “<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">One</i>,” the guy
triumphantly raises the key out of the water, but the first man says he’s too
late, and releases a shark into the pool. No kidding, he was twenty-three
seconds late. And I’m not sure how the man released the shark into the pool
anyway. We don’t see him pull a lever or anything. Maybe the shark just knew
that whenever the man said “<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">One</i>” that
he should go into the pool and eat whoever happened to be in there. Maybe it’s
a routine the man and the shark worked out ahead of time. Who knows? Anyway,
that’s the opening scene of <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Shark Island</i>.</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
Then several people from various parts of Los Angeles are
kidnaped by two men and brought to this man’s swimming pool. The man then tells
them, “<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">None of you are here by chance</i>.”
No kidding. He then tells them they’re going to play a game, and he pushes one
of the people into the pool. Oh yeah, I’ve played this game. There are a lot of
sharks in the pool. This is a magic pool, by the way. From above, it looks like
an average-size pool, not very big, but when you’re under the water, it’s huge.
Look at all those sharks. The host’s girlfriend tells the other people that
sharks are gods and “<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">They should be
revered</i>.” That’s why she has them in her swimming pool. The man says the
pool is a gateway to a path taking them to the other side of the island. Each
day they’ll encounter a new type of shark and have to kill it. Why does he want
these people to kill his girlfriend’s deities? They have an interesting
relationship. Later, when they’re alone, he yells at her, “<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">This is not a game!</i>” In her defense, it is difficult to know just
what constitutes a game for this guy.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
The people don’t bother to use the key to unlock their
chains until the next day. Not too bright, these folks. Nor do they try to
figure out the situation until the next day, and when they do, they discover
that their host is some kind of drug trafficker, and they have each had a hand
somehow in the death of the guy’s son. Rather than go back and kill him and his
girlfriend, this group wanders around the island, where apparently there are
cameras attached to every tree and rock and blade of grass, because the drug
trafficker is able to watch them and hear them wherever they are. They are
somehow aware of the cameras, though they don’t think to smash them, and that
might be because we never actually see any cameras.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
This is yet one more movie where the sharks growl. And
watch out for the CG mine field! Apparently this man has cameras and speakers
attached to the waves in the ocean too, for he’s able to communicate with the
people while in they’re in the water. Amazingly, this man has control of the
sharks in the ocean. This is a pretty elaborate revenge scenario, but he often
looks quite bored while watching the people on his monitor. Yes, just one
monitor. And I am quite bored watching him be quite bored watching them. But my
third beer helps do the trick.<br />
<br />
Hey, this movie was directed by the same guy that directed <a href="http://greatthingsaboutbadmovies.blogspot.com/2015/12/2-headed-shark-attack-2012.html"><i>2-Headed Shark Attack</i></a>, <a href="http://greatthingsaboutbadmovies.blogspot.com/2015/12/3-headed-shark-attack-2015.html"><i>3 Headed Shark Attack</i></a> and <a href="http://greatthingsaboutbadmovies.blogspot.com/2015/09/mega-shark-vs-kolossus-2015.html"><i>Mega Shark Vs. Kolossus</i></a>. Wow! And guess what? This one is the worst of the bunch.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEinSi-QPacl-gr-Kf-RO9lzljARVWpKMGO28zKJL6t2tEwX_7vQ6FeHo1gFvXRRvDPm1MpKlqBkzNUIoP0esZqtbfVL6htfM2ViO0jSMDJDRPWrANGDonp6bP7kGPF4mOmOXn2eyBkE5blO/s1600/zz+shark+island+also.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEinSi-QPacl-gr-Kf-RO9lzljARVWpKMGO28zKJL6t2tEwX_7vQ6FeHo1gFvXRRvDPm1MpKlqBkzNUIoP0esZqtbfVL6htfM2ViO0jSMDJDRPWrANGDonp6bP7kGPF4mOmOXn2eyBkE5blO/s320/zz+shark+island+also.jpg" width="222" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">same movie (don't be fooled)</td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><br /></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br /></div>
Michael Dohertyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00008909555111595107noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5546267824929220339.post-77331095767628163792016-01-22T23:51:00.000-08:002016-01-22T23:52:12.791-08:00The Breaking Point (2014)<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjfYy28p9GEO5Rl8o9dGkmnEkqMNOZ9igJ8-8ZGqBNzZqnXBsOXPPd2BvGXbMPmU5DU0_xIEI0Bn9bdEyEHL7DRDVuXYctKOpta079s2qUJnXTlcn8hv9B6bMUDgqXnAlEpWEAGIb-UwZRt/s1600/zz+The+Breaking+Point.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjfYy28p9GEO5Rl8o9dGkmnEkqMNOZ9igJ8-8ZGqBNzZqnXBsOXPPd2BvGXbMPmU5DU0_xIEI0Bn9bdEyEHL7DRDVuXYctKOpta079s2qUJnXTlcn8hv9B6bMUDgqXnAlEpWEAGIb-UwZRt/s320/zz+The+Breaking+Point.jpg" width="225" /></a></div>
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">The Breaking Point</i>
is a crime drama about three guys who shoot a woman in a convenience store, the
detectives who are investigating the murder, and a woman who is eager to be
district attorney. It is a mess. It opens with the woman who wishes to be the
next DA telling a friend that she is working on something special in order to
get that job. He asks her about Assistant DA Thomas who is next in line, and
she tells him, “<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">I’ll give Thomas an offer
than he cannot refuse</i>.” Here are some other clichés from that first scene:
“<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Everything worth having is worth
fighting for</i>,” “<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">If you believe that,
I have a bridge to sell you</i>,” and “<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Word
on the street</i>.” The whole script is like that. (Later we have lines like “<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">It’s like taking candy from a baby</i>” and “<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Let’s just say a little birdie told me</i>.”)
It’s pretty bad. It feels like a first draft. And we have to suffer through
some awful and completely useless narration by a character named Shawn (played
by Erik Grey).<br />
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Shawn, his brother Mike and his friend TJ enter a
convenience store, and TJ decides to rob a woman in there, and ends up shooting
and killing her. Another bullet injures Mike. Shawn, in his narration, tells us
that this “<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">set off a chain of events that
we would all later regret</i>.” (That’s not even true, by the way; it doesn’t
seem that TJ regrets anything. And come to think of it, it doesn’t seem like
Shawn or Mike regrets it either. None of them expresses any remorse. Neither
Shawn nor Mike ever turns TJ in. But then again, the line is that they would
regret the chain of events, not the actual murder. So whatever. Though after
Mike is shot, he does say he should have stayed in school, so there’s that.)</div>
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The lighting is also a major problem in this film. The
actors are often in shadow, and it doesn’t seem like it’s by choice, but rather
by lack of proper lighting.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When Li
Ling, the Asian cashier at the store, tells the detectives, “<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">I no see face</i>,” it doesn’t seem like
she’s lying, like she’s saying that because she’s scared to testify. I couldn’t
see his face either, due to poor lighting. And this is in a convenience store,
for fuck’s sake.</div>
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The narrator introduces every character. “<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">That’s Captain Harry Sawyer. He retired from
the police department after thirty-two years. A real law and order type of dude</i>.”
Yes, that’s the kind of dialogue we have to listen to throughout the film.
Ouch. And watch Harry’s insane reaction when he learns his wife has been
killed. And one of the other cops tells him, “<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Everything happens for a reason</i>.” I personally like to punch people
who say that, but Harry doesn’t hit him. Soon Harry’s granddaughters arrive (cue
the terrible emotional music – the score is yet one more major problem), and
one of them says, “<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">We’ll get through this
together, the way Grandma would have wanted it.</i>” Have I mentioned how bad
the dialogue is? And they don’t get through this together anyway. After this
scene, the granddaughters disappear.</div>
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This movie also has several pointless flashbacks. In one
of them, we see the chick that wants to be DA as a child. One of her friends
says, “<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Come on, girls, we need to start
working on our realistic career aspirations</i>.” Are you fucking kidding me? Another long, fruitless
flashback involves an aborted oil change. The flashbacks become more and more
risible. Check out the one after a little girl begs Harry, “<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Please don’t kill my mommy</i>.” Oh, that
reminds me: Harry of course starts investigating on his own, since he was a cop
and it was his wife that was killed. But nothing ever comes of that. Nothing.
That’s the way this movie is.</div>
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The movie keeps introducing people, and you wonder
briefly if they might have anything to do with the plot, if perhaps they’ll
help get it going. But in most cases, no, they don’t. And I should mention that
these are all despicable losers, so who gives a shit what happens to any of
them? Are we supposed to side with Shawn? After all, he provides the voice of
the film. But why would we care about this guy? He is a thug. Sure, he didn’t
pull the trigger, but he is an accessory to murder. And then in an effort to
avoid jail, he commits another crime – he breaks into the store that night in
order to steal the surveillance tapes. But he can’t find them. Do the cops have
them? No, apparently no one has them. It’s another element that never pays off.
Why didn’t the cops ask about the tapes when they arrived on the crime scene? I
don’t think it’s that the detectives are lazy; I think it’s the writers who are
lazy. Yes, writers. It took two people to write this script. Wow. </div>
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Out of nowhere there is a slow motion close-up shot of a
girl’s ass as she walks away. This movie is amateur hour through and through.
It seems like there was no storyboarding or planning of any kind. I mean, who
are the main characters? What is the film’s point of view? What is it trying to
say? This movie pretends to be about an innocent man wrongly accused of murder.
On the DVD cover it says, “<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Sometimes the
innocent have to go beyond… The Breaking Point</i>.” But again, Shawn is far
from being innocent.<br />
<br />
After Shawn is arrested, he tells the detective, “<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">I’ve seen tougher dudes than you in dresses
round my way</i>.” Well, let’s see them in this film! We’ve seen every other
person in the neighborhood. Bring on the transvestites!</div>
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Suddenly the film jumps to ten months later and Shawn is
on trial. But wait a minute. The Asian chick told the cops that three black men
were involved. Did the cops ever look into the identities of the other two?
What the hell? And the end is totally stupid. Shawn narrates the whole ending,
explaining what happened. But who cares? Shawn and Mike, who were accessories
to murder, are shown in a college classroom. Are we supposed to think that’s a
good thing?</div>
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So, what’s good about this movie? In the middle of all this, there is a
wonderful scene with two women named Bernadette and Yvette, who are questioned
by the detectives. They are the only believable characters, and their scene is
by far the most enjoyable. Bernadette is playing by Shellita Boxie, who turns
in a really good performance. These two women are so good that it feels for a moment like we’re in a completely different movie, a better movie.</div>
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">The Breaking Point</i>
was directed by James Hunter.<br />
<br />
(Note: I posted a shorter version of this review on Pop Culture Beast.) </div>
Michael Dohertyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00008909555111595107noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5546267824929220339.post-87753099306765060552016-01-13T21:06:00.000-08:002016-01-13T21:16:54.570-08:00Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiegxSAl_uJlyw0uyjQDrc507ppc_YKFZPa9_wGsJQmX7abLelgrRbcSzyC_rplftkYQvi79NBvkXcCSTWH83uUYO7pv1R8BPXsZhRlUo3XNUZJ6Dy90P-wSY1E4BicrGe2Qhda68PulGYR/s1600/zz+star+wars+force+awakens.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiegxSAl_uJlyw0uyjQDrc507ppc_YKFZPa9_wGsJQmX7abLelgrRbcSzyC_rplftkYQvi79NBvkXcCSTWH83uUYO7pv1R8BPXsZhRlUo3XNUZJ6Dy90P-wSY1E4BicrGe2Qhda68PulGYR/s320/zz+star+wars+force+awakens.jpg" width="216" /></a></div>
I have been a Star Wars fan since 1977 (seeing the ad for
Star Wars is my earliest memory), and collected the toys until the end of 2005.
Yet I was not all that excited to see the new film, <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens</i>, mainly because I detest
Disney. But I finally saw it. I did enjoy parts of it. But I felt that the
movie overall was unnecessary and rather pointless. Also, it seemed to
basically want to redo much of the original trilogy, just with different
characters (but without character development). A secret map is hidden in a droid, who then ends up in the desert.
A young character with inherent force ability must leave the desert planet. We
even get a variation of the cantina scene from <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">A New Hope</i>. (Note: As always, there are spoilers in this Good
Things About Bad Movies review.)<br />
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One of the main weaknesses of <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Return Of The Jedi</i> was the rehashing of the Death Star, and so I
was seriously surprised that <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">The Force
Awakens</i> decided to do it yet again. Not only that, but it also uses the
whole going-down-to-the-planet-to-destroy-the-shield-generator plot point from <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Return Of The Jedi</i>. It took a lot of
work to accomplish that in <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Jedi</i> (and yes, they had to
get the help of the beloved Ewoks), but in this one everything is pretty easy.
I was never anxious for any of the characters at any point in the movie.</div>
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Finn’s character is one that I find particularly
questionable. I do love the idea of delving into the lives of stormtroopers,
but it’s just not handled or developed all that well. He was a stormtrooper all
his life, completely indoctrinated, yet he’s aware of Han Solo and other elements
that I can’t believe stormtroopers would be taught. Also, he says he worked in
sanitation. So why was he there on that raid to capture the map to Luke Skywalker’s
location? </div>
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Why does that map even exist? Maybe that was explained
and I just missed it, but seriously, who created the map, and to what purpose?
And why was it divided into two pieces – one very large, and one small? And if
R2-D2 had the main section of the map, why did he wait so long to offer it up?
And why wouldn’t R2 have the complete map? </div>
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Back to Finn: Why did the First Order kidnap children and
spend decades indoctrinating them only to make them work in sanitation anyway?
And how is he able to use the lightsaber so well? And of course that leads us
to Rey’s character. She has apparently never used the force, has had no
training, and then suddenly is some kind of expert. What gives? How did she
even get the idea that she could use the force to control the weak-minded
stormtrooper in that one scene? And, outside of the whole force issue, what led
her to rescue BB8 in the first place? Why did she care about a droid she had
never seen before? (One more thing about Finn: the bloody handprint on his
helmet is ridiculous. I know it’s there so that we can tell him apart from the
other stormtroopers, but really, how did the blood get on that guy’s gloves in
the first place? He still had his armor on, so wouldn’t the blood be under it?)</div>
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The main villain in this movie is lame. It’s a whiny,
rebellious, nervous teenager who likes to dress in black and wear a mask. He
reminds me of those assholes who take guns to their schools. Like all kids, he
wants to distance himself from his parents. But in doing so, this little shit
decides to be like his grandparent. He just needs a good spanking. And yet he
(big spoiler here) is the one to dispatch one of the original trilogy’s main
characters. So sad. So pathetic. (The real villain here is Disney.)</div>
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And actually the way the characters of Han, Leia and Luke
are handled here is infuriating. After thirty years, Han is back to smuggling?
And someone stole the Falcon from him? Come on! That’s fucking stupid. And Leia
is back to leading the resistance? What’s going on with the New Republic? And
Luke had trouble with his first group of students, and so gave up the whole
idea of teaching Jedi? So he just figured, what, there would no longer be Jedi
in the galaxy? That’s kind of a huge decision. Leia, Han, and Luke all
basically gave up their lives because of one bratty kid? Again, give that
little shit a spanking and move on.</div>
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I know this question is asked (and not answered) in the
film, but seriously, how did that lightsaber end up in that box? The last we
saw, it was falling out of Cloud City. And speaking of relics from the original
trilogy which miraculously show up in this film, how did the bratty kid end up
with Vader’s helmet? Years later, he went to Endor and found it? Had Luke
buried it, or just left it smoldering? Did he make a map for that too? And why would the kid want it? And why does
he talk to it? This kid is fucked up. He needs therapy.</div>
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But the Nazi scene where the crazy Hitler character
addresses all the stormtroopers is maybe the worst scene in the film. When the
stormtroopers all give the Nazi salute, I burst out laughing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And again, what is going on with the New
Republic? Where is its army? And this new Death Star is able to shoot its beam
out across entire star systems and destroy several planets at once? So the
entire New Republic was on three nearby planets? That’s so convenient. And
unbelievable. </div>
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You know what else is unbelievable? The music isn’t good.
There are no new memorable themes here. That might be the saddest and most
surprising thing about this movie.</div>
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Like I said, I did enjoy chunks
of this film (and I do really like BB8). But it’s really only enjoyable until
you think about it for like three minutes. (By the way, there were like seven
or eight trailers in front of this film, and none of them looked the least bit
interesting. Is this the way movies are going? Who the fuck was asking for a
sequel to <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Independence Day</i>?)</div>
<span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; font-size: 11.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span></span>Michael Dohertyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00008909555111595107noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5546267824929220339.post-26842681015492909792015-12-25T20:46:00.000-08:002015-12-25T20:46:27.373-08:00Sand Sharks (2011)<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgvzbcm6OxyMrlFU3UyAAy9KR8HxmS5BzVcivB-_PKW5tZQMJtgv50242X4PiEzVLozB32MNxuqhnealaAftVHRiZxTfl5kpoVLtyP8dZUDAbm2iqWofJ8_T8Rn_1Y-61KXixBfuFisYdbK/s1600/zz+sand+sharks.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgvzbcm6OxyMrlFU3UyAAy9KR8HxmS5BzVcivB-_PKW5tZQMJtgv50242X4PiEzVLozB32MNxuqhnealaAftVHRiZxTfl5kpoVLtyP8dZUDAbm2iqWofJ8_T8Rn_1Y-61KXixBfuFisYdbK/s320/zz+sand+sharks.jpg" width="259" /></a></div>
As you’re probably aware, recent government bills lifting
restrictions on sharks have allowed them to expand into new territory. They are no
longer limited to the ocean. Sharks are everywhere these days – in lakes, in
swamps, in the snow, in tornadoes – so it should surprise no one to find them in
the sand. <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Sand Sharks</i> stars Corin
Nemec (whom you might recall from <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Raging
Sharks</i>), Brooke Hogan (whom you might recall from <a href="http://greatthingsaboutbadmovies.blogspot.com/2015/12/2-headed-shark-attack-2012.html"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">2-Headed Shark Attack</i></a>), Eric Scott Woods (whom you might recall from
<a href="http://greatthingsaboutbadmovies.blogspot.com/2015/12/avalanche-sharks-2013.html"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Avalanche Sharks</i></a>), Gina Holden (whom
you might also recall from <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Avalanche
Sharks</i>), and Vanessa Evigan (whom you won’t recall from <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Avalanche Sharks</i>, though she did work on
it in the visual effects department). <br />
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It opens with some guys riding dirt bikes on the sand.
Now when riding dirt bikes one thing you’re not worried about is a shark attack.
But if they had read the title on the DVD case, they’d know better. Jimmy Green
(Corin Nemec) is a slightly shady guy with a plan to get the town back in
shape. He wants to start a celebration, which he calls The Sandman Festival, to
draw people to the town to help its economy. His father is the mayor, so he’s
able to put his idea into motion. Meanwhile Sheriff John (Eric Scott Woods) and
his deputy Brenda (Vanessa Evigan), who is also his sister, are investigating
the deaths of the dirt biker riders. They decide to call in Dr. Powers, a shark
expert. Instead, they get his daughter, Sandy Powers (Brooke Hogan), who
apparently is also a shark expert. These things run in the family. Oddly, in <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">2-Headed Shark Attack</i>, Brooke’s
character also inherited her father’s knowledge and expertise, that time in
welding. Go figure.</div>
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This movie lifts a lot of stuff from <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Jaws</i>. There is a guy with a dorsal fin hat chasing a girl around on
the beach, like the young prankster from <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Jaws</i>.
The sheriff then closes the beach, and when the merchants get angry, the
mayor says it will be for “<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">twenty-for
hours only</i>,” which is also in <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Jaws</i>.
And then we get Angus, a weird old fisherman who says he can catch the shark,
but demands more money than what is being offered. In <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Jaws</i>, Quint demands ten thousand dollars, and that’s probably what
leads Angus to choose his amount, which is also ten thousand dollars. “<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">For that, I’ll bring you the head</i>,” he
says. Sound familiar?</div>
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The sand shark eats a cable on the beach, which causes a
power outage in town. Sneaky fish. But what’s good about this movie is that
halfway through, the sand shark is killed. So the festival can go ahead as
planned. But again, if they looked at the DVD case, they might notice that the
title is <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Sand Sharks</i>, not <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Sand Shark</i>. Sandy Powers reminds the
sheriff that this shark was a baby so the mother is likely out there looking
for her child (because sharks are such good parents). And hey, are we getting a
bit into <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Jaws: The Revenge</i> territory
here now?</div>
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Not many people show up for the festival, but Jimmy talks
it up to the crowd anyway, saying it’s the best beach party ever. The few dozen
people there react like he’s telling them the truth. And the camera man helps Jimmy
by providing lots of close-ups to make it seem like more people are there. But
we do see Jimmy’s human side when he tells Amanda off. Amanda’s death scene is
great, by the way. And even better is Jimmy’s reaction, jumping from the sand
onto the little step of his trailer.</div>
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There is also a seriously excellent moment when two men on
the beach shout out in horror and fear, and the rest of the crowd hears it and
shouts out in response, but in joy. I love that this film makes fun of stupid
crowd mentality, those idiots who shout because others are shouting. The
festival goers are all morons anyway, for when the sharks begin attacking, they
run around in circles on the beach, rather than making a straight line out of
there. And it turns out it’s not just the sand shark’s mother that shows up,
but its whole family – siblings, aunts, cousins, perhaps even some neighbors.</div>
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This movie is actually a lot better than most of these
shark movies. For one thing, it has a good sense of humor, at one point even
mentioning Roger Corman and <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Dinoshark</i>.
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Who?</i>”
Sheriff John asks. “<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Obviously you’re not
a B movie fan</i>,” Sandy Powers says. “<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Nope</i>,”
he agrees. Another thing is that the actors actually seem invested in their
parts. Corin Nemec’s performance, for example, is good, as is Vanessa Evigan’s.
And for CG, the sharks, for the most part, don’t look all that bad.</div>
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Michael Dohertyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00008909555111595107noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5546267824929220339.post-3697387162022682912015-12-21T12:32:00.000-08:002015-12-22T02:13:29.952-08:003 Headed Shark Attack (2015)<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj0Yf6ceeHwQ2vkkDEQCeR5-n-keP80sY7f36hvsaVyxH91mlS42WBNB807iVaPLaY9H-FzBeqGzhuXOOjI-cC3Y-3R0K9_2ceBL91fh4VOLgA3e6jeRZNEwFnpzxtzoF1Awdwhb-80uEjW/s1600/zz+3+headed+shark+attack.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj0Yf6ceeHwQ2vkkDEQCeR5-n-keP80sY7f36hvsaVyxH91mlS42WBNB807iVaPLaY9H-FzBeqGzhuXOOjI-cC3Y-3R0K9_2ceBL91fh4VOLgA3e6jeRZNEwFnpzxtzoF1Awdwhb-80uEjW/s320/zz+3+headed+shark+attack.jpg" width="221" /></a></div>
Just as the sequel to the remake of <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Ocean’s Eleven</i> was titled <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Ocean’s
Twelve</i>, and the sequel to the film version of <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">21 Jump Street</i> was titled <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">22
Jump Street</i>, the sequel to <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">2-Headed
Shark Attack</i> is <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">3 Headed Shark Attack</i>.
And I’ll tell you right now, I’m looking forward to the sixth or seventh
instalment of this series. Well, this three-headed shark is even more dangerous
than its predecessor, as it goes right up onto the beach in search of snacks.
Just when you thought it was safe to go near the water. <br />
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Maggie is a gung ho young intern arriving for her first
day of work at an underwater research station studying pollution and its
effects on marine life. Dr. Laura Thomas, a chick with amazing boobs, seems to
be in charge (twenty minutes into the film, I glanced up at her face and was
disappointed), along with Dr. Ted Nelson. Also arriving on this day is a small
group of environmental activists, who are invited to work with the scientists.
We learn that pollution is causing mutations in between twenty and twenty-five
percent of specimens the facility is studying. I like that this movie has a
nice environmental message: Don’t pollute, and we won’t have to worry about
giant three-headed sharks.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
This shark has some interesting abilities. Besides
jumping onto shore for lunch, it’s able to somehow swim in water that’s only
three feet deep without breaking the surface (perhaps it tucks that dorsal fin
in), then leap twenty-five feet into the air and dive straight down into the
shallow water and disappear. It’s kind of amazing.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
It’s not long before the shark attacks the research
station. This movie taps into one of my secret fears – being eaten by a shark
while I’m seated on the toilet. Oh, I’m going to have nightmares for weeks.
Well, the shark causes an explosion, and it looks like the only ones to make it
out alive are Boobs, Ted Nelson, Maggie and the activists. Uh-oh, they are the
heroes? Well, the activists’ boat is a good distance from shore. So the plan is
for one guy to swim to the boat, start it, and drive it to shore, so everyone
else can get in. But the first guy who reaches the boat can’t get it started.
The second has trouble. The third, Alison (the cute one), just seems shaken.
The fourth one doesn’t make it. Finally they get it started, but then
immediately abandon their plan, saying the water is too shallow. So the last
three have to swim to the boat anyway. Way to draw out a scene, folks. Boobs
goes into the water to distract the shark, so that the other two can make it to
the boat (though three have made it already without any such distraction).
Boobs’ plan should work. I myself am distracted. And, unfortunately, it does
work. Boobs is eaten, and I’m a little less interested in the movie. We still
have Alison, who is cute but worthless. Anyway, they try to contact the coast
guard, but instead reach Max Burns (Danny Trejo), who is out fishing with a
couple of friends. They try to convince him to come help them, that they’re
being chased by a giant three-headed shark.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
But the shark, having already eaten Boobs, understandably
loses interest in pursuing their boat, especially when it spies a party boat
full of hot girls nearby. So actually Maggie, Ted and the remaining activists
are safe. And hey, the shark eats trash on its way to the party boat. Nice. It’s
cleaning the ocean, not only of bad actors but of beer cans. Speaking of bad
actors, here comes Danny Trejo to the rescue.</div>
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Well, instead of using the opportunity of the shark being
otherwise occupied to go to shore (which is really close, by the way), Maggie
convinces the others they have to rescue the drunks on the party boat. She says
that they have to do something because she just watched all her friends die.
Wait a minute. She was an intern, and this was her first day. She hadn’t even
met most of the people at that research station. How is she calling them her
friends? Don’t you hate people who try to take others’ tragedies and somehow
make it personal to them? Greg, one of the activists, gets in on it too: “<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">We just watched all of our friends get eaten
by that monster. All of them</i>.” Well, one of his friends was eaten, but the
others are on the boat. That’s assuming that he has no other friends anywhere
in the world. Greg must just be caught up in the excitement. Later, at home, he’ll
be able to give a more accurate assessment of what transpired. </div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
Anyway, the shark is supposedly following the trail of
trash from the party boat, but the trash is all beer cans, and everyone on the
boat is drinking from plastic cups. Whoops! One guy on the party boat sees the
three-headed shark and says, “<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">That’s odd</i>.”
I agree. The shark then jumps right onto the party boat, eats some people, then
swims away. But suddenly almost everyone is gone from the party boat. Where did
they go? Did they run out of money for extras in the budget? Some of them
appear again a little later.</div>
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<br /></div>
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By the way, the DVD box says, “Uncensored” and “Unrated,”
but the word “shit” is missing at one point, having been cut, and at two other
points the word “shoot” has clearly been substituted after the fact. The guy
sees the shark coming right for him and says, “<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Aw, shoot</i>.” Uncensored, my ass.</div>
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<br /></div>
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Well, there is a shot of one guy riding the shark, which
is hilarious. It’s one of my favorite moments of the movie. So their plan had
been to rescue the drunks, but they managed to only rescue three people from
that party boat, while losing at least one of their own. Nice plan, Maggie. But
Maggie isn’t done being an obnoxious and stupid little bitch. When told the
boat would only last another twenty miles, she tells them to drive to an atoll
that’s ten or fifteen miles ahead because it’s the only land they can reach.
But even as she says this, we can see land on either side of the boat, and it’s
quite close. But instead of pointing this out to Maggie, they follow her
instructions and drive forward. These people are fucking idiots. And what is up
with this series and atolls?</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
And why does Danny Trejo have all these big guns on his
fishing boat? And there is suddenly something about the shark being able to
grow more heads (preparing us for the next movie in the series, I assume).</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
Well, this atoll has badminton nets and park benches and
so on. And it has a couple of boats, just like the atoll in the first film. So
they split up, getting into the two boats. The shark, of course, chases one of
the boats. And… have I mentioned how fucking stupid these people are? The
people on the other boat yell “<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Shark!</i>”
to Alison, but she’s like, “<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">What are they
shouting?</i>” Silly bitch, what else could they possibly be shouting? What is
the one thing you’ve been trying to get away from for the last ninety minutes?
Alison is cute, but when the shark finally eats her, I’m glad. You know, there
is land everywhere you look in this film. These idiots could have been safe at
any time they desired. But instead they just keep getting on boats. At the end
of the day, they’re just too stupid to live. </div>
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<br /></div>
Michael Dohertyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00008909555111595107noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5546267824929220339.post-11728738688488119372015-12-20T13:03:00.000-08:002015-12-20T13:28:25.544-08:002-Headed Shark Attack (2012)<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj4bkBEyPSO5-j8yc24Y3bsgBHDgZYsulITX_25mCoB51BCV6E4WJA20zqNrB7To9IWOW_Ub2u6TbsAqmeTW7F6k365E2U96RhDUPLt1h-V314i4y41jOB5kkwVQs788YBEdFgQ4oLXqKBW/s1600/zz+2-headed+shark+attack.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj4bkBEyPSO5-j8yc24Y3bsgBHDgZYsulITX_25mCoB51BCV6E4WJA20zqNrB7To9IWOW_Ub2u6TbsAqmeTW7F6k365E2U96RhDUPLt1h-V314i4y41jOB5kkwVQs788YBEdFgQ4oLXqKBW/s320/zz+2-headed+shark+attack.jpg" width="223" /></a></div>
Charlie O’Connell and Carmen Electra take a boat full of
brainless, horny college students on a trip. The students are baffled by a
sextant, and things become even more difficult for them when a shark slams into
the boat, breaching the hull. So they go to shallower waters near an atoll to
fix the boat. One of the girls has amazing vision, because while they’re still
a long way from the island she somehow notices some sticks bound together far
up its shore and squeals, “<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Oh thank god,
civilization</i>.” That also makes me wonder how and where she was raised.<br />
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
Well, Charlie O’Connell takes the students to the island
to look for scrap metal (uh, okay), while Carmen Electra sunbathes on the boat
(and strikes poses for God), and a woman named Laura goes underwater to do some
welding, or at least to wave the instrument around in the water in the vague
direction of the boat (which seems much smaller underwater) until a two-headed
shark eats her.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
Back on the island, the students find some abandoned
shacks, and Charlie O’Connell reminds them to look for scrap metal. One of the
girls reveals she is afraid of water and took this class to confront her fears.
Other girls, not so afraid, go swimming topless. Hurrah! And then they start
making out with each other. I’m actually a little disappointed when they get
eaten by the shark. Other students find two small boats. Charlie O’Connell says, “<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Two boats are
better than none</i>,” apparently forgetting about the boat that brought them
all to shore. Actually, let’s talk about that little boat. It’s probably only
big enough for like three or four people at the most. And there are at least
seventeen students. So how long did it take them just to get everyone ashore?
It doesn’t seem like time passes at all in this movie. The whole thing seems to
take place in the early afternoon.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
Charlie O’Connell bangs his leg and then acts like his
leg has actually been removed. Quit whining! Anyway, two students take him back
to the main boat just to relieve the suffering of the others, who must quickly
tire of listening to him acting. Uh-oh, Carmen Electra is the ship’s doctor.
(But in a world where Charlie O’Connell is a college professor, it sort of
makes sense that Carmen Electra would have a medical license.) By the way, the
boat seems to suddenly change positions in relation to the island. Look how far
away it is in the wide shot. Then a second later look how close it is from the
reverse shot from the island. Magic! Then it’s far away again. (There’s a buoy
in one of the shots, by the way.)</div>
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<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
Charlie O’Connell, while still on that boat, notices
something alarming. “<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">The atoll, it’s
sinking! Quick, the kids!</i>” I guess it’s time for another five or six trips
in the little boat. Good thing time doesn’t pass in this movie. The kids,
however, are having trouble with the two-headed shark. But hey, look, it’s not
all CG! Wonderful! Also wonderful (and hilarious) are the reactions of those
still on shore as they watch their friends get eaten, and later as they watch
one unscrupulous student make off with the boat. “<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Cole stole the ship</i>,” the blonde tells them. This means the rest
are stranded on a sinking atoll. The reaction to this news? “<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Dumbass</i>,” one girl says. Another girl
mumbles her line, but it's something about Cole being an idiot.</div>
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I just can’t believe they’ve abandoned their quest for
scrap metal.</div>
Michael Dohertyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00008909555111595107noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5546267824929220339.post-81198081838769514212015-12-17T11:48:00.000-08:002015-12-17T11:51:37.717-08:0090210 Shark Attack (2014)<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgkb-ODsjgM9cwRYgSfsezW3bgiDE6ZWKZz_zfw7-DtEzUT9xW9dfXSjJf6Qgnb_xxLa03BZhymTmC49MGySnJI_cEGCxfDO8fkgX3spllzFt5MJlFr6vFb1u8J0WvJFbPY0Mkz-94GSWGZ/s1600/zz+90210+Shark+Attack.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgkb-ODsjgM9cwRYgSfsezW3bgiDE6ZWKZz_zfw7-DtEzUT9xW9dfXSjJf6Qgnb_xxLa03BZhymTmC49MGySnJI_cEGCxfDO8fkgX3spllzFt5MJlFr6vFb1u8J0WvJFbPY0Mkz-94GSWGZ/s320/zz+90210+Shark+Attack.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
There are a lot of bad shark movies out there, but <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">90210 Shark Attack</i> is something special
among these movies. Seriously. It opens with a weird instrumental tune that
sounds suspiciously like “Dancing In The Sheets” from <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Footloose</i>, and lots of images of Beverly Hills. In fact, there are
so many images that after a while you’re like, “Yes, I got it, it’s Beverly
Hills, get on with the movie.”
<br />
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
Well, a couple of rich, spoiled students arrive at a
mansion that they’ve rented while in town for two oceanic field trips. Four
others soon arrive, along with Pamela, their teacher. While one girl
(supposedly the nerdy, awkward girl) walks around the house, porn music plays.
It’s confusing, because this girl has her clothes on. She stares out the window
at one of the guys swimming in the pool, and the film cuts back and forth
between her face and him swimming. It cuts back and forth many, many times,
while the porn music continues. But nothing happens, and neither of them is
naked. It just goes on and on, and I began to wonder if it was on some loop, or
if I were supposed to be seeing something important in her face, some thought
or emotion. But no.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
Alyssa (identified as the weird student) appears with
what seems to be the nice boy. But Alyssa seems like kind of a bitch. Her
father was apparently an oceanic anthropologist, and nerdy Jess, who is also a
bitch, mentions, “<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">There’s still a mystery
about how he died</i>.” Then she whines, “<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">She
shouldn’t get a better grade because her dad died – that’s not fair</i>.” Whoa!
By the way, these six students are taking a class on oceanic anthropology, and
apparently they’re supposed to be in high school (we know because one talks
about getting into college). It seems like they’re quite a bit older, and one
of them, Marcie, is clearly a moron, and you wonder just how she got into this
class. Maybe in your twelfth year of high school, you get special treatment.
Well, it doesn’t matter.</div>
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<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
Alyssa asks the teacher if her dad is coming back. Pamela
answers: “<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">No. All I know about the ocean
is that she guards her secrets well</i>.” Wait, if that’s all you know about
the ocean, how are you teaching this class? Anyway, she tells Alyssa to write
about her dad, saying it will really help her. She says this twice, so I guess
she believes it. She also tells Alyssa she doesn’t have to go on the oceanic
field trips, which is the whole point of them being there. Is Pamela the worst
teacher ever? </div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
It seems that Pamela thinks she’ll score with Alyssa. “<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">We’ll just talk and we’ll see where it leads
us</i>,” Pamela says to her. By the way, Pamela is played by Donna Wilkes, who
was in <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Jaws 2</i> and also starred in <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Angel</i>. Anyway, so we don’t get bored,
the film keeps cutting to stock footage of sharks, some of which seems to have
been shot in an aquarium (or are we to believe there are red and blue lights
hanging over the ocean?). And Jess tells us the story of Alyssa’s father, how
he stole objects from indigenous peoples and sold them. Apparently he found
some Indians who worshiped a great white shark, and he organized a hunt and
killed the shark, which is actually pretty funny.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
Well, the porn music returns as Pamela watches one of the
male students showering. He showers like a girl, being sure not to get his hair
wet. What’s up with that? Well, the two of them are in on some scheme to write
a best seller about Alyssa’s father, a nice little development. A crazier
development is where Bryce pretends to like Alyssa, and they kiss by the pool,
and then Alyssa turns into a shark and bites Bryce’s head off. It is fucking
wonderful. Instead of giving Bryce head, she takes it. Soon after that, the
teacher asks her, “<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Are you hungry?</i>” “<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">No, I’m feeling kind of full</i>,” Alyssa
says. Perfect!</div>
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<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
Marcie was secretly filming the Bryce and Alyssa scene
with her phone, but later when one of the other students finds the phone and
looks at the footage, the perspective is all wrong. It’s the same footage we
saw, rather than new footage from Marcie’s perspective. And the footage doesn’t
keep the boy from wanting to have sex with Alyssa. Hey, maybe he’s into fish.
So much for the nice boy. And then with nine minutes left in the film, we
return to one of the shots of the Beverly Hills sign, just in case you’ve
forgotten where this all takes place.</div>
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<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
The teacher sees the headless body of one of the students,
and hardly reacts at all. “<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Is that Tyler
in the pool?</i>” she asks. She must have worked at some tough schools before
this one. By the way, the DVD contains a commentary track by the director, and
in it he says he shot the film in two days. What? Two days? That’s basically
impossible. No wonder he keeps repeating shots and going back to stock footage.</div>
Michael Dohertyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00008909555111595107noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5546267824929220339.post-22534487891683637472015-12-14T18:34:00.001-08:002015-12-14T18:34:15.905-08:00Attack Of The Jurassic Shark (2012)<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgaMebdQCCKZn2WqbJmYz_59Nobi2nrdtVflyCB0rQ4nzxVsIIquoTBPZaMxc4Zmn_i8e5zgR5nbu_ClJ90ZZCt7FtbmB0p6m7LBVxvzwK8vGg6nh6QL1qSJa5R6J8pOm1UV3ihiItuOL8h/s1600/zz+attack+of+the+jurassic+shark.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgaMebdQCCKZn2WqbJmYz_59Nobi2nrdtVflyCB0rQ4nzxVsIIquoTBPZaMxc4Zmn_i8e5zgR5nbu_ClJ90ZZCt7FtbmB0p6m7LBVxvzwK8vGg6nh6QL1qSJa5R6J8pOm1UV3ihiItuOL8h/s320/zz+attack+of+the+jurassic+shark.jpg" width="225" /></a></div>
I can’t help myself. I keep watching these delightfully
bad shark movies. And while <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Attack Of The
Jurassic Shark</i> is certainly bad, it also has an odd charm at moments.
And it’s fun. It opens with two blondes at a deserted beach, and one wonders
why it is deserted at the height of summer. The other reasons: “<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Who cares? Let’s just enjoy it</i>.” Not
that the first one is all that bright. After all, she is carrying a paddle, but
doesn’t seem to have a boat. Plus, she doesn’t like swimming in lakes because
she is afraid of sharks. What a silly tart! Except you know and I know that her
silly fear might just save her life this time. It doesn’t, however, as they
both go in the water. They pretend to splash each other for a while, though
both are so weak that it doesn’t seem either is able to hit the other person,
even though they’re standing maybe two feet apart. “<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Boy, you’re so going to get it</i>,” one of them warns the other.
Uh-oh, cue the shark. And down goes Tiffany. The other calls Tiffany’s name
many times. But Tiffany doesn’t answer. And the other would have likely gone on
calling her name indefinitely, but the shark kindly disposes of her.<br />
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
Meanwhile two men (a doctor and the chairman of some
board) discuss oil and some ice that melted and was shifted to the lake. There
are a few more discussions with people who apparently work in some sort of combination
of lab and oil drilling operation. The budget clearly didn’t allow for that
sort of thing, so these conversations are in hallways and stairwells. </div>
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A bossy chick, who has apparently murdered a cop while
stealing a painting, and her four henchmen arrive on the island. One of the
guys says to the other, “<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Look, you’re my
only brother, now help me with this</i>.” There was an “Additional Dialogue”
credit in the opening credits, and I’m wondering if this line is one of the
additional ones. Also arriving on the island are Jill and three friends. Jill
is a journalism student who is there to investigate illegal drilling, hoping
her paper will win her an internship.</div>
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A couple of the painting thieves are picked off by the
shark, while the survivors do their absolute best to deliver their lines. “<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">I can’t believe it. He was almost to shore.
He could have made it</i>.” The painting they stole is now at the bottom of the
lake. The shark then goes after the students, killing the one guy and leaving
the three girls to call out for him repeatedly. They do find his leg, but that’s
just not enough. Also, it confuses them. “<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">What
the hell, is that Mike?</i>” one asks. And soon the three thieves and the three
students meet up. </div>
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<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
“<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">I have never seen
a shark that big or ugly before</i>,” one of the girls says. Could that be one
of the additional lines of dialogue? Or maybe this line: “<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">I thought this island was abandoned – why do I keep hearing machinery
all the time?</i>” Anyway, the six people walk through the woods to find the
lab, but Jill apparently leaves her camera equipment behind. I don’t think she’s
going to get that internship.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
It’s not long before the thieves turn on the girls and
force them to attempt to retrieve the painting from the bottom of the lake. I’m
thinking that the painting might be damaged and so not worth the amount of
money they were expecting, but none of the characters seem worried about this. “<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Get your skinny ass back in that water and
bring me my painting</i>,” the bossy chick says. “<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Or what? You’ll kill us? Lady, between you and it, you’re no threat</i>.”
Nice! Then the shark leaps over the students to eat the lady, and then somehow
turns around mid-air to land back in the water. Pretty impressive move there.</div>
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<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
“<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">What would happen
if that thing found a populated beach elsewhere?</i>” one of the girls wonders.
Well, it’s a lake, so… But of course Jason Voorhees took a boat from Crystal
Lake to New York, so anything is possible.</div>
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<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
The slowest credits in the history of cinema help pad
this trifle, taking what is a 65-minute movie and making it nearly 79 minutes.
Seriously, the end credits last thirteen and a half minutes. I think that’s
even longer than those fucking credits to that <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Lord Of The Rings</i> DVD where they listed every single person in the
fan club for no good reason.</div>
Michael Dohertyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00008909555111595107noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5546267824929220339.post-2606007889667959382015-12-13T04:07:00.000-08:002015-12-13T04:07:57.047-08:00Avalanche Sharks (2013)<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgA-8zDOXioJcqfWl_9LHUvOInfVv9AWPFNwfqfAyNp-WtwPUZDhRLbs-0Pthi6X-jKlJIOGQTJgTZ4w_rz6nTK13q1k7ZOzhtqD4OGO1o01Sb9VdSEUyJLgRhvC8vuabz8zh4_zmESnpfN/s1600/zz+Avalanche+Sharks.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgA-8zDOXioJcqfWl_9LHUvOInfVv9AWPFNwfqfAyNp-WtwPUZDhRLbs-0Pthi6X-jKlJIOGQTJgTZ4w_rz6nTK13q1k7ZOzhtqD4OGO1o01Sb9VdSEUyJLgRhvC8vuabz8zh4_zmESnpfN/s320/zz+Avalanche+Sharks.jpg" width="226" /></a></div>
If you haven’t been paying attention to the news lately,
you might not be aware that sharks are turning up in some unexpected places –
in Venice, in swamps, even in snow. <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Avalanche
Sharks</i> is a film that shows us that sharks can even turn up in someone’s
mind. Yes, that’s right, everything that happens in the movie is just a story
that a character within the movie tells.<br />
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A guy in a hospital wants to tell his sexy hallucination the
story of how he broke his leg. And we see the story (well, except he never
actually tells how he broke his leg, but no matter). Some guy sets off some
explosives on a mountain where two guys are snowboarding. There is no reason
for him to set off those explosives, but they apparently wake up some glowing
alien sharks, who quickly eat the snowboarders. Meanwhile some arrogant little
bitch named Becca and her friend get a ride to Mammoth from a guy named Randy.
And Randy – is Randy the guy from the beginning? Not sure – tells them a story
on the way there. A story within a story? Well, we see this one too, and it
involves hundreds of intelligent space sharks searching for a new planet.
(Isn’t this the basis for Scientology?) One of the shark pods lands on Mammoth.
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Anyway, it’s spring break, and there are a lot of girls
on the mountain, though it’s impossible to tell just how many, because they’re
all blondes, and I have trouble telling them apart. One of the blondes is a
marine biologist. Good thing she’s on this mountain. Good thing her boyfriend
or father or uncle or whoever he is told us she’s a marine biologist, because
obviously this will come into play later. Except it actually never does. It’s
never mentioned again. And weirdly, an old guy refers to the glowing sharks by
the word invented by Randy in his story to the girls – <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">skookum</i>, or something like that. So apparently we’re still within
the story within the story within the movie. Oh boy. That means that anything
that happens doesn’t even matter within the world of the film, let alone to those of us watching.</div>
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As you might expect, there is a lot of silliness in this
film. As in <a href="http://greatthingsaboutbadmovies.blogspot.com/2013/12/snow-shark-ancient-snow-beast-2011_17.html"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Snow Shark</i></a>, the avalanche sharks are able to travel in snow that’s only a few inches
deep. But I like that a child’s drawing from twenty-five years ago is still in
the sheriff’s cabinet, but that he apparently has never seen it. The sheriff’s
office is actually at the ski resort, which is also odd. Odder still is that the
owner of the Mammoth ski resort is able to fire the sheriff and give the job to
the head of his ski patrol. Okay. The blonde who drew that picture twenty-five
years earlier says these sharks killed her parents, and that there is some Native
American legend about these sharks swimming up a river and ending up in the
ice. So they didn’t travel through space?</div>
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Back in the hospital, the guy’s hallucination gets angry
with the inconsistencies in his story. So I guess the hallucination is the
character we’re supposed to side with in this film. And because the whole thing
is a story made up by a character within the imagination of a character within
the film, should I even bother to point out weird plot problems, like that some
chick rides up the mountain in a gondola with one guy, presumably to ski, only
to be shown moments later riding on the back of some other guy’s snowmobile?
Probably not.</div>
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And while a lot of people are fighting the sharks, some
oriental chick (and I love that the hallucination refers to her as an “<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">oriental chick</i>”) quietly becomes the
hero of this story within the story within the film. And then the movie takes
us to Mars for some reason. But don’t worry about that.</div>
Michael Dohertyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00008909555111595107noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5546267824929220339.post-87271555195939312232015-10-04T23:33:00.000-07:002015-10-04T23:33:37.680-07:00Hide (2011)<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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What can I say about this one? It’s a complete mess. A
few girls get harassed by someone using the voice from <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Scream</i> (admittedly – they make several references to <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Scream</i>). They guess it’s their friend
Ryan, and then guess it’s their friend Scooter. And for a long time, the movie
cuts to some hand-held footage of doorknobs and things, and it goes on and on.
This footage is never explained, but is dropped with like twenty minutes to go.
There is also some news footage that doesn’t feel the least bit real. At the
bottom of the screen it says, “<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Breaking Story</i>,”
but the footage is of nothing whatsoever. And why didn’t the hair person fix
the reporter’s hair? It’s a mess. Maybe there wasn’t a hair person on this
film. I don’t know. The biggest problem, however, is the sound design. There
are basically two big musical cues, and they are used repeatedly throughout the
film (one is a piano cue that tries to be like <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Halloween</i>). Even worse is the Foley. Yes, that’s right. I don’t
think I’ve ever complained about Foley in a film before. For those who don’t
know, Foley is manually produced sound effects, like doors slamming, footsteps,
and so on. For this movie, only three footsteps were recorded – two loud steps,
followed by a soft step, like the person stopping. And you hear those three
steps throughout the film. Seriously. Once you notice it, it’s impossible to
ignore. Plus, the footsteps are those of a heavy shoe, but what we see is a
Converse All Stars-type shoe, which just wouldn’t make that sound. Also, there
are popping sounds throughout the film, which are really irritating. And then
at one point, a line is completely lost. It’s just not there. The woman says a
line, and we see her mouth moving, but we hear nothing, and then the sound
comes back in for the response to that line. It’s so fucking ridiculous that
that wouldn’t be fixed. The filmmakers are completely incompetent. And the end
is just fucking stupid. So what’s good about it? Well, the lead actor is really
pretty. And there are some humorous moments early on, when they’re playing
around with the <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Scream</i> gag. But
unless you love watching girls talk on the phone, cut with jumpy footage of
doorknobs, it’s probably best to skip this one.Michael Dohertyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00008909555111595107noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5546267824929220339.post-64816667462839103082015-09-15T00:14:00.000-07:002015-09-15T00:24:56.894-07:00Mega Shark Vs. Kolossus (2015)<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjBmmON1XyJNKAqBUYTm8Xhb6MW0HFTQkLm-yyBpHKTIhrUAbTFdIHl5KPO8675lQ0rsiTZdncqaIxwEwjRCrLFaCjOS4Bw9QR32A-7fozEsWBb9EwKI9_kANq7wC_cY0S0wigKd75yNBxZ/s1600/zz+mega+shark.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjBmmON1XyJNKAqBUYTm8Xhb6MW0HFTQkLm-yyBpHKTIhrUAbTFdIHl5KPO8675lQ0rsiTZdncqaIxwEwjRCrLFaCjOS4Bw9QR32A-7fozEsWBb9EwKI9_kANq7wC_cY0S0wigKd75yNBxZ/s320/zz+mega+shark.jpg" width="228" /></a></div>
A giant shark fighting a giant robot? Of course I’m on
board. Though I suppose that sort of already happened in the previous <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Mega Shark</i> movie, <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Mega Shark Vs. Mecha Shark</i>, but I haven’t seen that one yet. (I
still have <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Godzilla Vs. Mechagodzilla</i>
on VHS, but I suppose that’s a bit off the topic.) The other thing that had me
interested in <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Mega Shark Vs. Kolossus</i>
is Illeana Douglas’ involvement. She’s an actor I admire, and I have to wonder
what the hell she’s doing in this film. It can’t be for the pay check because
this movie is put out by The Asylum, not known for being overly generous to its
employees.<br />
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Well, Russian civilians are mining red mercury in the
ocean near Brazil, when some hot chicks in submarines show up and tell them to
stop. They agree to stop, but a giant shark destroys their boat anyway. The
girls attack the shark, using “<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">attack
pattern Red 5</i>,” but nothing seems to hurt this shark, not even <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Star Wars</i> references. (There is another <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Star Wars</i> reference later, when one
pilot addresses another plane as “TK421” – “<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">TK421,
why aren’t you at your post?</i>”)</div>
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Meanwhile in the Ukraine the filmmakers don’t believe we’ll
be able to understand an Asian chick or a bearded guy, so – even though they’re
speaking English – they provide subtitles for them. I wonder how the actors
feel about that. Well, these guys have some red mercury (everyone wants red mercury). While they’re engaged
in a screwed up business deal, a giant robot is mysteriously activated.</div>
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And at a naval base in Florida, Illeana Douglas shows up
as Dr. Alison Gray and goes to a meeting. The guy running the meeting opens it
by saying: “<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Thank you all for coming. I
wish it weren’t so</i>.” Wait, what? Was another line supposed to be between
those two lines, or am I giving the writer too much credit in assuming at one
point this dialogue made sense? Well, no matter. What we learn is that the new
shark is a baby megalodon but is growing at a ridiculous rate. Also, it’s able
to leap out of the ocean to eat fighter jets. Kids these days! And I’m having
second thoughts about those lines having once made sense, because the writer has
Illeana Douglas say this: “<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">This man’s
ignorance about sharks may cause the end of mankind</i>.” Wow. She and a
businessman want to catch the shark rather than kill it.</div>
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And that big robot? It turns out to be a doomsday device which
is somehow able to “<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">blow itself up a
thousand times over</i>.” Uh-oh. But it’s not just an indestructible shark and
a doomsday robot that our heroes have to worry about. We also have one
character who goes a little nutty near the end and becomes the chief villain.</div>
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There are some good things here. The mega shark is a
playful character, and it enjoys tossing ships out of the water and batting
missiles with its tail. And at one point it wears the U.S. flag. How can you not enjoy its antics? Also, the film
does have something to say about humanity seeking its own destruction through
its creation of weapons like atomic bombs and giant robots.</div>
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At the end the Kolossus gets the mega shark in a hug and
detonates itself, and that’s it. But wait a moment. Remember earlier, the
guy said that the robot was able to “<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">blow
itself up a thousand times over</i>.” It’s done it only one time so far. How
can anyone think this is the end of Kolossus? Hmm. At the end of the closing
credits, we’re given no mention of Kolussus, but are left with this threat: “<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Mega shark will return</i>.” That leads me
to think the next movie will be <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Mega
Shark Vs. James Bond</i>.</div>
Michael Dohertyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00008909555111595107noreply@blogger.com0