Cyclone (1987)

Oh boy, Cyclone is another truly terrible film. You know it's awful when Heather Thomas turns in one of film's best performances. I found myself longing for Heather to return to the screen so we could get back to some better acting.

So what is it about? A special motorcycle that has a transformer that converts hydrogen into power. Also, the motorcycle has rockets and other weapons attached to it for some reason. Oh, and the motorcycle helmet has the ability to destroy telephone books. Very cool.

The motorcycle is the special project of Heather's boyfriend. But when she takes him to a punk club - and really, is that a punk club? With white polished floors? Heather has a line of dialogue about them needing to get there early because they made reservations, and this band "really packs them in." Reservations at a punk club? And the band is awful. And as far as packing them in, there are maybe twenty extras -- but anyway, when she takes him to the punk club, he's killed. So it's up to her to use the motorcycle. And she can't trust anyone.

So what's good about it? Well, Heather Thomas is in it. I had two posters of her on my bedroom walls when i was a teenager, and it's still fun to look at her. Though the costume designer put her into some terrible clothes. Martin Landau is in it too, but i just felt embarrassed for him (though this movie is bloody Oscar material compared to B.A.P.s, another film he agreed to appear in for some reason).

And the movie has the line, "I love it when you fuck up Einstein." This is during some strange nerd love ritual.

The rest is garbage, but it's fun garbage. The tone is all over the place. Sometimes it tries to be an over-the-top comedy, like all the scenes with the two bumbling detectives who are staked outside Heather's house, but who fall asleep (when they are woken, one says, "What was that?" and the other replies, "Loud noise"). Other times it tries to be an intense action film. It fails at both, but whatever.

13 Seconds

This is another truly terrible film. The plot, as far as i can tell, is a band called Night Gallery goes to an old silent movie theatre to record an album. But instead of doing any recording, or even rehearsing, the band members, the sound guys, and their girlfriends wander around in the dark and do drugs and say stupid things that the writer makes them say. And then maybe there are ghosts or something. Something strange in an art gallery. Why is there an art gallery? They also mention something about students taking classes there. At the silent movie theatre? Or did the writer forget that he had a character say it was a silent movie theatre? Who knows? There's a library too.

This film has the worst dialogue. Here's a scene for you:

Moron #1 walks downstairs, where Moron #2 is standing in the dark.
MORON #2: "What's up?"
MORON #1: "Not much. Hey, what's going on?"
MORON #2: "Wish I knew."

Cut to shot of full moon.

Here is some more from a little later:

MORON #1: "Hey, have I ever told you about this re-occurring dream I have? Now that scares the hell out of me." (Yes, he says "re-occurring," not "recurring.")
MORON #2: "You've had this more than once?"
MORON #1: "This is serious. This is something I can't outgrow."

Okay, one last bit of dialogue:
KARA: (sadly) "Colin, how many times have the rules been reversed?"
COLIN: "That's not important. What's important for me is going back to my room and getting drunk."
KARA: "You ever do something for so long you forget why you do it?"
End of scene.

This movie has some creepy imagery, but it doesn't matter. Not one of the characters is the least bit interesting or compelling, and no one in the film has even the smallest amount of acting ability. It also seems like all the dialogue was recorded later, and the actors were just reading from the script.
Also, we don't know where anybody is. We have no idea of the layout of the place - especially as there is almost no lighting. So no scene seems connected to any other. No character seems connected to any other. No room seems connected to any other. So while there is some slightly amusing gore, the shots that should be scary are not, because they don't seem connected to anything.
This film is a complete mess. It tries to add an explanation at the end, but by the end i had checked out completely, and didn't care. And if i had cared, i probably would have been really annoyed, because the explanation is one of those that sort of negates everything that's happened anyway. I don't recommend this one to anyone at all.

Supergirl

Wow, wow, wow. This is one of the worst of the worst. Which is shocking because it has an excellent cast: Faye Dunaway, Helen Slater, Peter Cook, Mia Farrow, Peter O'Toole, Maureen Teefy (from Fame), Hart Bochner, Brenda Vaccaro. And guess what? They all suck. Every last one of them. It's amazing. How is that even possible?

Anyway, Supergirl gets in a sphere that will take her from inner space to outer space. She's following a much smaller sphere, which supplies the power to their planet and which flew out the window. Anyway, the large sphere also miraculously contains a supergirl outfit - because she's wearing plain clothes when she gets in, but has on her superhero outfit when she gets out. This is also interesting, considering that Peter O'Toole built the sphere and was intending to leave in it himself. So clearly Peter O'Toole's character is a transvestite, because the costume includes a bright red skirt. Sexy.

Of course, when Supergirl arrives on Earth, she completely forgets about the little sphere, and instead flies around, picking flowers and whatnot. It doesn't matter, since Mia Farrow clearly stated that their world would be destroyed within two days anyway.

The first person she meets says, "You're Superman's best friend, huh?"
She responds, "No. His cousin."
Now wait a moment. How would she know that Kal-El was called Superman on Earth? And just where did she come from anyway? All we know is it's some city that Peter O'Toole's character created. And that it's in inner space, whatever that's supposed to mean. But this city isn't on Krypton, is it? Or is it? Well, whatever.

Supergirl's special abilities include being able to change her wardrobe and her hair color instantly. Oooh, what magic. So she disguises herself as a school girl with the name Linda Lee and becomes Lois Lane's sister's roommate. Why? Who the fuck knows?

Faye Dunaway plays a witch who of course finds the little sphere. So she's bent on achieving world domination...or in obtaining the affection of some landscaping guy. Two lofty goals.

So what's good about this movie? Very little. It does make fun of Jehovah's Witnesses, which is nice. One of the best things about this film is that Jimmy Olsen is played by Marc McClure, who also played Jimmy in the four Christopher Reeve Superman films.

Apart from that, there is a Howard Jones song in the movie. That's cool. And there's a romantic overnight trip on a bumper car. (Wait, no, that's no good - that's one of the stupid things that makes no sense. So scratch that one.) Some of it takes place in the Phantom Zone, which we've often heard about. But guess what? The Phantom Zone is lame. Just like everything else in the film.

But Helen Slater does look hot. So there's that.

Shoot 'Em Up

This movie, though ridiculous, is actually quite enjoyable at times. I laughed out loud quite a few times during the film. Two people are killed with carrots. There is even a mechanical baby that comes out of nowhere (seriously, where did he get the mechanical baby?). But the best thing about this movie: Monica Bellucci wears a sexy purple fur jacket through almost the entire thing. Yes, that's enough for me.

5ive Girls

First off, i hate titles like that, where they put the number in a word in place of a letter. Like Se7en. That is seriously stupid and obnoxious. So let's pronounce these titles as they're written: "Five-ive Girls" and "Sesevenen." That's right. Those are the titles.

So, what's good about "Five-ive Girls"? Well, for those who like female nudity, there's a great scene where one naked chick (who is possessed) attacks another naked chick (who isn't possessed, but will be shortly) in a bath tub. Very nice.

Also, Ron Perlman is in it. Isn't that enough?

If not, they also have the five (or five-ive) girls wearing little school girl outfits through most of the film. So there. But yeah, it's a pretty bad movie.

Dr. Giggles

This movie is really disappointing. But the opening sequence is excellent. Really. It has a great beginning. The introduction of the character is excellent. It has the right balance of horror and humor. It's believable. Everything about the opening scene is great.

And basically everything that follows is terrible. It seems like the screenwriter spent a good two or three months polishing off that first scene, and then spent two or three hours on the rest of the script. If you decide to rent this movie, just watch the first scene. Once the high school kids come on the screen, it's time to turn off the movie.

The Sadist With Red Teeth

Boy, i was really looking forward to watching this one. But sadly it's a bad film. A man believes that he's become a vampire after being in a car crash. His doctors want him to become a vampire for some reason. He goes to a joke shop and buys some fake teeth and then bites the clerk with them, killing her. Amazing. Later he buys a live chicken and asks for handcuffs.

It sounds wonderful, but these moments are isolated. There are, however, a few other good things about this movie. There are hilarious shots of random people with cheap plastic vampire teeth. And for some reason, there is old black and white footage of tornadoes, volcanoes and buildings being destroyed, as well as pointless shots of spiders and snakes.

This film also has the line, "We brought him here telepathically to meet one of my associates, a specialist in hypnosis, who will also be treating him."

And wait until you meet the Satan guy. Wow. What a nice red robe. What style. What great hair. And such beautiful eye makeup.