Tuesday, August 31, 2010


Wow, wow, wow. This is one of the worst of the worst. Which is shocking because it has an excellent cast: Faye Dunaway, Helen Slater, Peter Cook, Mia Farrow, Peter O'Toole, Maureen Teefy (from Fame), Hart Bochner, Brenda Vaccaro. And guess what? They all suck. Every last one of them. It's amazing. How is that even possible?

Anyway, Supergirl gets in a sphere that will take her from inner space to outer space. She's following a much smaller sphere, which supplies the power to their planet and which flew out the window. Anyway, the large sphere also miraculously contains a supergirl outfit - because she's wearing plain clothes when she gets in, but has on her superhero outfit when she gets out. This is also interesting, considering that Peter O'Toole built the sphere and was intending to leave in it himself. So clearly Peter O'Toole's character is a transvestite, because the costume includes a bright red skirt. Sexy.

Of course, when Supergirl arrives on Earth, she completely forgets about the little sphere, and instead flies around, picking flowers and whatnot. It doesn't matter, since Mia Farrow clearly stated that their world would be destroyed within two days anyway.

The first person she meets says, "You're Superman's best friend, huh?"
She responds, "No. His cousin."
Now wait a moment. How would she know that Kal-El was called Superman on Earth? And just where did she come from anyway? All we know is it's some city that Peter O'Toole's character created. And that it's in inner space, whatever that's supposed to mean. But this city isn't on Krypton, is it? Or is it? Well, whatever.

Supergirl's special abilities include being able to change her wardrobe and her hair color instantly. Oooh, what magic. So she disguises herself as a school girl with the name Linda Lee and becomes Lois Lane's sister's roommate. Why? Who the fuck knows?

Faye Dunaway plays a witch who of course finds the little sphere. So she's bent on achieving world domination...or in obtaining the affection of some landscaping guy. Two lofty goals.

So what's good about this movie? Very little. It does make fun of Jehovah's Witnesses, which is nice. One of the best things about this film is that Jimmy Olsen is played by Marc McClure, who also played Jimmy in the four Christopher Reeve Superman films.

Apart from that, there is a Howard Jones song in the movie. That's cool. And there's a romantic overnight trip on a bumper car. (Wait, no, that's no good - that's one of the stupid things that makes no sense. So scratch that one.) Some of it takes place in the Phantom Zone, which we've often heard about. But guess what? The Phantom Zone is lame. Just like everything else in the film.

But Helen Slater does look hot. So there's that.

Saturday, August 28, 2010

Shoot 'Em Up

This movie, though ridiculous, is actually quite enjoyable at times. I laughed out loud quite a few times during the film. Two people are killed with carrots. There is even a mechanical baby that comes out of nowhere (seriously, where did he get the mechanical baby?). But the best thing about this movie: Monica Bellucci wears a sexy purple fur jacket through almost the entire thing. Yes, that's enough for me.

Monday, August 23, 2010

5ive Girls

First off, i hate titles like that, where they put the number in a word in place of a letter. Like Se7en. That is seriously stupid and obnoxious. So let's pronounce these titles as they're written: "Five-ive Girls" and "Sesevenen." That's right. Those are the titles.

So, what's good about "Five-ive Girls"? Well, for those who like female nudity, there's a great scene where one naked chick (who is possessed) attacks another naked chick (who isn't possessed, but will be shortly) in a bath tub. Very nice.

Also, Ron Perlman is in it. Isn't that enough?

If not, they also have the five (or five-ive) girls wearing little school girl outfits through most of the film. So there. But yeah, it's a pretty bad movie.

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Dr. Giggles

This movie is really disappointing. But the opening sequence is excellent. Really. It has a great beginning. The introduction of the character is excellent. It has the right balance of horror and humor. It's believable. Everything about the opening scene is great.

And basically everything that follows is terrible. It seems like the screenwriter spent a good two or three months polishing off that first scene, and then spent two or three hours on the rest of the script. If you decide to rent this movie, just watch the first scene. Once the high school kids come on the screen, it's time to turn off the movie.

The Sadist With Red Teeth

Boy, i was really looking forward to watching this one. But sadly it's a bad film. A man believes that he's become a vampire after being in a car crash. His doctors want him to become a vampire for some reason. He goes to a joke shop and buys some fake teeth and then bites the clerk with them, killing her. Amazing. Later he buys a live chicken and asks for handcuffs.

It sounds wonderful, but these moments are isolated. There are, however, a few other good things about this movie. There are hilarious shots of random people with cheap plastic vampire teeth. And for some reason, there is old black and white footage of tornadoes, volcanoes and buildings being destroyed, as well as pointless shots of spiders and snakes.

This film also has the line, "We brought him here telepathically to meet one of my associates, a specialist in hypnosis, who will also be treating him."

And wait until you meet the Satan guy. Wow. What a nice red robe. What style. What great hair. And such beautiful eye makeup.

Thursday, August 5, 2010

Bloodthirst 2: Revenge Of The Chupacabras

This movie makes absolutely no sense whatsoever. There is a monster, a kidnaping, a mental hospital, a corrupt doctor, and a priest who missed breakfast. You try to figure it out.

The doctor at the mental hospital says to the cop, "But some of our patients here do make strange noises. And some of them think they're being hurt even when they're not." Ah, those rare instances when the patients aren't being tortured by the doctors.

There is a scene where an escaped mental patient talks to a key he finds hanging on a tree. Then he goes to a barn to sleep, but finds there's a lock on the barn door. "That's strange," he says. I guess where he lives all barns are left open. So he goes back to the woods, because of course that key opens the lock. What? Don't worry about it. There's a monster in the barn, of course.

Okay, if you do decide to watch this film, make sure you watch the scene where the girl is decapitated, but watch it in slow motion. The filmmakers took out her head digitally, but her hair is long, so her hair that's over her shoulders is still there even when her head is gone. It's hilarious. (And that's really the one good thing about the movie.)

This movie also has some of the worst dialogue. A guy who is attached to some electroshock machine says this: "Why do you think I would rather throw in with the two thugs you hired to carry out the kidnaping than with you, who came up with the idea in the first place?" He's a hospital employee, by the way, and he's talking to the doctor. Why did the doctor have a girl kidnaped? Who knows?

A half hour into the film we get a flashback to nine hours earlier, with people talking about a monster in the river. Laurie is a student doing a project on monsters, and then she's kidnaped. Then the cops check out the mine, which doesn't make sense because the cops didn't learn about the mine until nine hours later from the mental patient - but whatever. And wait, how would a mental patient know about a kidnaping that happened only nine hours ago?

There's also a long scene about how a priest missed breakfast. Important stuff. And where's the bloody monster? Actually, the filmmakers are wise not to show it that often, because when it is visible, it's laughable.

By the way, this movie has the worst score ever in a film. Seriously. The worst. It's worse even than that in Eyes Wide Shut.

The Mad

The Mad is a comedic horror film about a hick town whose inhabitants become zombies after eating hamburgers. And it stars Billy Zane, who also starred in Titanic. The good news: this movie is better than Titanic. The bad news: it's still not very good.

But there are definitely good things about this film. For example, the song during the opening credits sequence is totally cool. And there is Billy Zane's insane, terrified reaction to getting a surprise blow job from his girlfriend, Monica. Plus, this film has some good advice for the viewers: don't eat meat, especially if it's moving around on its own accord.

There is some painful exposition in this film, such as:
- "Better not be too hard on him. He hasn't been the same since he sunk into that terrible depression after Ruth died."
- "What did she die from again?"
- "Choked on a bone."

But there are some truly funny moments, like when they discuss the term "zombie" and whether it's truly applicable in this situation. And there's that great moment when Amy says (about her boyfriend), "When he got attacked by that meat patty, I just knew it was over."


Dreamgirls is one of the worst movies of all time. It's amazing how many idiots out there liked this film. I heard it even won an Oscar (i used to watch the Academy Awards, until Crash won Best Picture - at that point, i knew the awards were bullshit). Giving that chick from Dreamgirls an acting award is like giving Adolf Hitler a humanitarian award.

But all that aside, there is one good line in it. The girl wants to make a record and she learns that there is a Martin Luther King record being released. And she says something like, "Can he even sing?" That's a good line. The rest is shit.

Absolute Zero

There really isn't anything good about the film Absolute Zero, which stars Jeff Fahey and Erika Eleniak and was directed by Robert Lee. It is probably the most ridiculous and stupid movie i've ever seen (and that's saying something).

The Earth's polarity is changing, and so that means an ice age for Miami. When they figure it out, there are only four hours until the temperature reaches absolute zero (which by the way is -459 degrees Fahrenheit). For some reason, a few of them figure they can ride out the ice age in their lab. How are they safe in the lab? No explanation. But also, they don't even get into the lab until the last possible second. So apparently the temperature is pretty safe, and then at the very last second it just drops several hundred degrees.

And then a few minutes later a helicopter flies by to rescue them. Huh?

But there are some laughs along the way. There is this amazing bit of dialogue:

DUMB WOMAN: "There's this whole period of Argentinian art, rather dark, from about 10,000 years ago that all showed the sun falling from the sky."
DUMB MAN: "The Argentinian findings."

And this:
DUMB BOY: "You guys are running too fast."
DUMB GIRL: "You're slow."
DUMB BOY: "You're slow."

Also, approximately fifteen minutes after her father is killed, DUMB LITTLE GIRL says, "I miss him." And her mother, DUMB WOMAN, says, "So do I." (By the way, it's not until four minutes before absolute zero, that DUMB LITTLE GIRL finally puts on a winter coat.)

But the biggest laugh comes when a helicopter crashes into the building (not the helicopter that rescues them at the end, obviously). The two actors inside the building throw up their arms slowly and continue walking - that's their reaction to the building shaking. It's so silly looking - i laughed so hard that i farted.

For a movie that takes place on the beach, there is no nudity. And for a movie that is about a new ice age, there are no women in fur coats. What's up with that?