2-Headed Shark Attack (2012)

Charlie O’Connell and Carmen Electra take a boat full of brainless, horny college students on a trip. The students are baffled by a sextant, and things become even more difficult for them when a shark slams into the boat, breaching the hull. So they go to shallower waters near an atoll to fix the boat. One of the girls has amazing vision, because while they’re still a long way from the island she somehow notices some sticks bound together far up its shore and squeals, “Oh thank god, civilization.” That also makes me wonder how and where she was raised.

Well, Charlie O’Connell takes the students to the island to look for scrap metal (uh, okay), while Carmen Electra sunbathes on the boat (and strikes poses for God), and a woman named Laura goes underwater to do some welding, or at least to wave the instrument around in the water in the vague direction of the boat (which seems much smaller underwater) until a two-headed shark eats her.

Back on the island, the students find some abandoned shacks, and Charlie O’Connell reminds them to look for scrap metal. One of the girls reveals she is afraid of water and took this class to confront her fears. Other girls, not so afraid, go swimming topless. Hurrah! And then they start making out with each other. I’m actually a little disappointed when they get eaten by the shark. Other students find two small boats. Charlie O’Connell says, “Two boats are better than none,” apparently forgetting about the boat that brought them all to shore. Actually, let’s talk about that little boat. It’s probably only big enough for like three or four people at the most. And there are at least seventeen students. So how long did it take them just to get everyone ashore? It doesn’t seem like time passes at all in this movie. The whole thing seems to take place in the early afternoon.

Charlie O’Connell bangs his leg and then acts like his leg has actually been removed. Quit whining! Anyway, two students take him back to the main boat just to relieve the suffering of the others, who must quickly tire of listening to him acting. Uh-oh, Carmen Electra is the ship’s doctor. (But in a world where Charlie O’Connell is a college professor, it sort of makes sense that Carmen Electra would have a medical license.) By the way, the boat seems to suddenly change positions in relation to the island. Look how far away it is in the wide shot. Then a second later look how close it is from the reverse shot from the island. Magic! Then it’s far away again. (There’s a buoy in one of the shots, by the way.)

Charlie O’Connell, while still on that boat, notices something alarming. “The atoll, it’s sinking! Quick, the kids!” I guess it’s time for another five or six trips in the little boat. Good thing time doesn’t pass in this movie. The kids, however, are having trouble with the two-headed shark. But hey, look, it’s not all CG! Wonderful! Also wonderful (and hilarious) are the reactions of those still on shore as they watch their friends get eaten, and later as they watch one unscrupulous student make off with the boat. “Cole stole the ship,” the blonde tells them. This means the rest are stranded on a sinking atoll. The reaction to this news? “Dumbass,” one girl says. Another girl mumbles her line, but it's something about Cole being an idiot.

I just can’t believe they’ve abandoned their quest for scrap metal.

90210 Shark Attack (2014)

There are a lot of bad shark movies out there, but 90210 Shark Attack is something special among these movies. Seriously. It opens with a weird instrumental tune that sounds suspiciously like “Dancing In The Sheets” from Footloose, and lots of images of Beverly Hills. In fact, there are so many images that after a while you’re like, “Yes, I got it, it’s Beverly Hills, get on with the movie.”

Well, a couple of rich, spoiled students arrive at a mansion that they’ve rented while in town for two oceanic field trips. Four others soon arrive, along with Pamela, their teacher. While one girl (supposedly the nerdy, awkward girl) walks around the house, porn music plays. It’s confusing, because this girl has her clothes on. She stares out the window at one of the guys swimming in the pool, and the film cuts back and forth between her face and him swimming. It cuts back and forth many, many times, while the porn music continues. But nothing happens, and neither of them is naked. It just goes on and on, and I began to wonder if it was on some loop, or if I were supposed to be seeing something important in her face, some thought or emotion. But no.

Alyssa (identified as the weird student) appears with what seems to be the nice boy. But Alyssa seems like kind of a bitch. Her father was apparently an oceanic anthropologist, and nerdy Jess, who is also a bitch, mentions, “There’s still a mystery about how he died.” Then she whines, “She shouldn’t get a better grade because her dad died – that’s not fair.” Whoa! By the way, these six students are taking a class on oceanic anthropology, and apparently they’re supposed to be in high school (we know because one talks about getting into college). It seems like they’re quite a bit older, and one of them, Marcie, is clearly a moron, and you wonder just how she got into this class. Maybe in your twelfth year of high school, you get special treatment. Well, it doesn’t matter.

Alyssa asks the teacher if her dad is coming back. Pamela answers: “No. All I know about the ocean is that she guards her secrets well.” Wait, if that’s all you know about the ocean, how are you teaching this class? Anyway, she tells Alyssa to write about her dad, saying it will really help her. She says this twice, so I guess she believes it. She also tells Alyssa she doesn’t have to go on the oceanic field trips, which is the whole point of them being there. Is Pamela the worst teacher ever?

It seems that Pamela thinks she’ll score with Alyssa. “We’ll just talk and we’ll see where it leads us,” Pamela says to her. By the way, Pamela is played by Donna Wilkes, who was in Jaws 2 and also starred in Angel. Anyway, so we don’t get bored, the film keeps cutting to stock footage of sharks, some of which seems to have been shot in an aquarium (or are we to believe there are red and blue lights hanging over the ocean?). And Jess tells us the story of Alyssa’s father, how he stole objects from indigenous peoples and sold them. Apparently he found some Indians who worshiped a great white shark, and he organized a hunt and killed the shark, which is actually pretty funny.

Well, the porn music returns as Pamela watches one of the male students showering. He showers like a girl, being sure not to get his hair wet. What’s up with that? Well, the two of them are in on some scheme to write a best seller about Alyssa’s father, a nice little development. A crazier development is where Bryce pretends to like Alyssa, and they kiss by the pool, and then Alyssa turns into a shark and bites Bryce’s head off. It is fucking wonderful. Instead of giving Bryce head, she takes it. Soon after that, the teacher asks her, “Are you hungry?” “No, I’m feeling kind of full,” Alyssa says. Perfect!

Marcie was secretly filming the Bryce and Alyssa scene with her phone, but later when one of the other students finds the phone and looks at the footage, the perspective is all wrong. It’s the same footage we saw, rather than new footage from Marcie’s perspective. And the footage doesn’t keep the boy from wanting to have sex with Alyssa. Hey, maybe he’s into fish. So much for the nice boy. And then with nine minutes left in the film, we return to one of the shots of the Beverly Hills sign, just in case you’ve forgotten where this all takes place.

The teacher sees the headless body of one of the students, and hardly reacts at all. “Is that Tyler in the pool?” she asks. She must have worked at some tough schools before this one. By the way, the DVD contains a commentary track by the director, and in it he says he shot the film in two days. What? Two days? That’s basically impossible. No wonder he keeps repeating shots and going back to stock footage.

Attack Of The Jurassic Shark (2012)

I can’t help myself. I keep watching these delightfully bad shark movies. And while Attack Of The Jurassic Shark is certainly bad, it also has an odd charm at moments. And it’s fun. It opens with two blondes at a deserted beach, and one wonders why it is deserted at the height of summer. The other reasons: “Who cares? Let’s just enjoy it.” Not that the first one is all that bright. After all, she is carrying a paddle, but doesn’t seem to have a boat. Plus, she doesn’t like swimming in lakes because she is afraid of sharks. What a silly tart! Except you know and I know that her silly fear might just save her life this time. It doesn’t, however, as they both go in the water. They pretend to splash each other for a while, though both are so weak that it doesn’t seem either is able to hit the other person, even though they’re standing maybe two feet apart. “Boy, you’re so going to get it,” one of them warns the other. Uh-oh, cue the shark. And down goes Tiffany. The other calls Tiffany’s name many times. But Tiffany doesn’t answer. And the other would have likely gone on calling her name indefinitely, but the shark kindly disposes of her.

Meanwhile two men (a doctor and the chairman of some board) discuss oil and some ice that melted and was shifted to the lake. There are a few more discussions with people who apparently work in some sort of combination of lab and oil drilling operation. The budget clearly didn’t allow for that sort of thing, so these conversations are in hallways and stairwells.

A bossy chick, who has apparently murdered a cop while stealing a painting, and her four henchmen arrive on the island. One of the guys says to the other, “Look, you’re my only brother, now help me with this.” There was an “Additional Dialogue” credit in the opening credits, and I’m wondering if this line is one of the additional ones. Also arriving on the island are Jill and three friends. Jill is a journalism student who is there to investigate illegal drilling, hoping her paper will win her an internship.

A couple of the painting thieves are picked off by the shark, while the survivors do their absolute best to deliver their lines. “I can’t believe it. He was almost to shore. He could have made it.” The painting they stole is now at the bottom of the lake. The shark then goes after the students, killing the one guy and leaving the three girls to call out for him repeatedly. They do find his leg, but that’s just not enough. Also, it confuses them. “What the hell, is that Mike?” one asks. And soon the three thieves and the three students meet up.

“I have never seen a shark that big or ugly before,” one of the girls says. Could that be one of the additional lines of dialogue? Or maybe this line: “I thought this island was abandoned – why do I keep hearing machinery all the time?” Anyway, the six people walk through the woods to find the lab, but Jill apparently leaves her camera equipment behind. I don’t think she’s going to get that internship.

It’s not long before the thieves turn on the girls and force them to attempt to retrieve the painting from the bottom of the lake. I’m thinking that the painting might be damaged and so not worth the amount of money they were expecting, but none of the characters seem worried about this. “Get your skinny ass back in that water and bring me my painting,” the bossy chick says. “Or what? You’ll kill us? Lady, between you and it, you’re no threat.” Nice! Then the shark leaps over the students to eat the lady, and then somehow turns around mid-air to land back in the water. Pretty impressive move there.

“What would happen if that thing found a populated beach elsewhere?” one of the girls wonders. Well, it’s a lake, so… But of course Jason Voorhees took a boat from Crystal Lake to New York, so anything is possible.

The slowest credits in the history of cinema help pad this trifle, taking what is a 65-minute movie and making it nearly 79 minutes. Seriously, the end credits last thirteen and a half minutes. I think that’s even longer than those fucking credits to that Lord Of The Rings DVD where they listed every single person in the fan club for no good reason.

Avalanche Sharks (2013)

If you haven’t been paying attention to the news lately, you might not be aware that sharks are turning up in some unexpected places – in Venice, in swamps, even in snow. Avalanche Sharks is a film that shows us that sharks can even turn up in someone’s mind. Yes, that’s right, everything that happens in the movie is just a story that a character within the movie tells.

A guy in a hospital wants to tell his sexy hallucination the story of how he broke his leg. And we see the story (well, except he never actually tells how he broke his leg, but no matter). Some guy sets off some explosives on a mountain where two guys are snowboarding. There is no reason for him to set off those explosives, but they apparently wake up some glowing alien sharks, who quickly eat the snowboarders. Meanwhile some arrogant little bitch named Becca and her friend get a ride to Mammoth from a guy named Randy. And Randy – is Randy the guy from the beginning? Not sure – tells them a story on the way there. A story within a story? Well, we see this one too, and it involves hundreds of intelligent space sharks searching for a new planet. (Isn’t this the basis for Scientology?) One of the shark pods lands on Mammoth.

Anyway, it’s spring break, and there are a lot of girls on the mountain, though it’s impossible to tell just how many, because they’re all blondes, and I have trouble telling them apart. One of the blondes is a marine biologist. Good thing she’s on this mountain. Good thing her boyfriend or father or uncle or whoever he is told us she’s a marine biologist, because obviously this will come into play later. Except it actually never does. It’s never mentioned again. And weirdly, an old guy refers to the glowing sharks by the word invented by Randy in his story to the girls – skookum, or something like that. So apparently we’re still within the story within the story within the movie. Oh boy. That means that anything that happens doesn’t even matter within the world of the film, let alone to those of us watching.

As you might expect, there is a lot of silliness in this film. As in Snow Shark, the avalanche sharks are able to travel in snow that’s only a few inches deep. But I like that a child’s drawing from twenty-five years ago is still in the sheriff’s cabinet, but that he apparently has never seen it. The sheriff’s office is actually at the ski resort, which is also odd. Odder still is that the owner of the Mammoth ski resort is able to fire the sheriff and give the job to the head of his ski patrol. Okay. The blonde who drew that picture twenty-five years earlier says these sharks killed her parents, and that there is some Native American legend about these sharks swimming up a river and ending up in the ice. So they didn’t travel through space?

Back in the hospital, the guy’s hallucination gets angry with the inconsistencies in his story. So I guess the hallucination is the character we’re supposed to side with in this film. And because the whole thing is a story made up by a character within the imagination of a character within the film, should I even bother to point out weird plot problems, like that some chick rides up the mountain in a gondola with one guy, presumably to ski, only to be shown moments later riding on the back of some other guy’s snowmobile? Probably not.

And while a lot of people are fighting the sharks, some oriental chick (and I love that the hallucination refers to her as an “oriental chick”) quietly becomes the hero of this story within the story within the film. And then the movie takes us to Mars for some reason. But don’t worry about that.

Hide (2011)

What can I say about this one? It’s a complete mess. A few girls get harassed by someone using the voice from Scream (admittedly – they make several references to Scream). They guess it’s their friend Ryan, and then guess it’s their friend Scooter. And for a long time, the movie cuts to some hand-held footage of doorknobs and things, and it goes on and on. This footage is never explained, but is dropped with like twenty minutes to go. There is also some news footage that doesn’t feel the least bit real. At the bottom of the screen it says, “Breaking Story,” but the footage is of nothing whatsoever. And why didn’t the hair person fix the reporter’s hair? It’s a mess. Maybe there wasn’t a hair person on this film. I don’t know. The biggest problem, however, is the sound design. There are basically two big musical cues, and they are used repeatedly throughout the film (one is a piano cue that tries to be like Halloween). Even worse is the Foley. Yes, that’s right. I don’t think I’ve ever complained about Foley in a film before. For those who don’t know, Foley is manually produced sound effects, like doors slamming, footsteps, and so on. For this movie, only three footsteps were recorded – two loud steps, followed by a soft step, like the person stopping. And you hear those three steps throughout the film. Seriously. Once you notice it, it’s impossible to ignore. Plus, the footsteps are those of a heavy shoe, but what we see is a Converse All Stars-type shoe, which just wouldn’t make that sound. Also, there are popping sounds throughout the film, which are really irritating. And then at one point, a line is completely lost. It’s just not there. The woman says a line, and we see her mouth moving, but we hear nothing, and then the sound comes back in for the response to that line. It’s so fucking ridiculous that that wouldn’t be fixed. The filmmakers are completely incompetent. And the end is just fucking stupid. So what’s good about it? Well, the lead actor is really pretty. And there are some humorous moments early on, when they’re playing around with the Scream gag. But unless you love watching girls talk on the phone, cut with jumpy footage of doorknobs, it’s probably best to skip this one.

Mega Shark Vs. Kolossus (2015)

A giant shark fighting a giant robot? Of course I’m on board. Though I suppose that sort of already happened in the previous Mega Shark movie, Mega Shark Vs. Mecha Shark, but I haven’t seen that one yet. (I still have Godzilla Vs. Mechagodzilla on VHS, but I suppose that’s a bit off the topic.) The other thing that had me interested in Mega Shark Vs. Kolossus is Illeana Douglas’ involvement. She’s an actor I admire, and I have to wonder what the hell she’s doing in this film. It can’t be for the pay check because this movie is put out by The Asylum, not known for being overly generous to its employees.

Well, Russian civilians are mining red mercury in the ocean near Brazil, when some hot chicks in submarines show up and tell them to stop. They agree to stop, but a giant shark destroys their boat anyway. The girls attack the shark, using “attack pattern Red 5,” but nothing seems to hurt this shark, not even Star Wars references. (There is another Star Wars reference later, when one pilot addresses another plane as “TK421” – “TK421, why aren’t you at your post?”)

Meanwhile in the Ukraine the filmmakers don’t believe we’ll be able to understand an Asian chick or a bearded guy, so – even though they’re speaking English – they provide subtitles for them. I wonder how the actors feel about that. Well, these guys have some red mercury (everyone wants red mercury). While they’re engaged in a screwed up business deal, a giant robot is mysteriously activated.

And at a naval base in Florida, Illeana Douglas shows up as Dr. Alison Gray and goes to a meeting. The guy running the meeting opens it by saying: “Thank you all for coming. I wish it weren’t so.” Wait, what? Was another line supposed to be between those two lines, or am I giving the writer too much credit in assuming at one point this dialogue made sense? Well, no matter. What we learn is that the new shark is a baby megalodon but is growing at a ridiculous rate. Also, it’s able to leap out of the ocean to eat fighter jets. Kids these days! And I’m having second thoughts about those lines having once made sense, because the writer has Illeana Douglas say this: “This man’s ignorance about sharks may cause the end of mankind.” Wow. She and a businessman want to catch the shark rather than kill it.

And that big robot? It turns out to be a doomsday device which is somehow able to “blow itself up a thousand times over.” Uh-oh. But it’s not just an indestructible shark and a doomsday robot that our heroes have to worry about. We also have one character who goes a little nutty near the end and becomes the chief villain.

There are some good things here. The mega shark is a playful character, and it enjoys tossing ships out of the water and batting missiles with its tail. And at one point it wears the U.S. flag. How can you not enjoy its antics? Also, the film does have something to say about humanity seeking its own destruction through its creation of weapons like atomic bombs and giant robots.

At the end the Kolossus gets the mega shark in a hug and detonates itself, and that’s it. But wait a moment. Remember earlier, the guy said that the robot was able to “blow itself up a thousand times over.” It’s done it only one time so far. How can anyone think this is the end of Kolossus? Hmm. At the end of the closing credits, we’re given no mention of Kolussus, but are left with this threat: “Mega shark will return.” That leads me to think the next movie will be Mega Shark Vs. James Bond.

Click: The Calendar Girl Killer (1990)

You know a movie is going to be bad when it lists several writers in the opening credits. It took four people to write the screenplay for Click: The Calendar Girl Killer, and two others got “Story by” credits. Holy moly, six people had a hand in writing this thing. This movie also had two directors of photography, and two directors. Uh-oh. It took ten people to do three jobs.

Early on in the film a nut stabs a mirror with a knife, while apparently remembering being yelled at as a child. Oh boy, it’s another one of those movies. Then we go to a party full of models, meaning a lot of people you hope get stabbed soon. Suddenly the party is over, and one whiny model named Nancy is upset because she was knocked into the pool, and is now worried about her image. Alan says to her, “Why not promote your own image?” So she agrees to pose for Jack for a calendar, and we see her in a beautiful fur coat, and the movie has suddenly improved. She says, “I do feel better.” Of course she does. She’s in a gorgeous fur. But soon she has the coat off, and everything else off for that matter.

Jack is creating a calendar called Deadly Weapons, and he compares what he’s doing to Goya and Picasso. Gullible, eager models will do anything, even for creepy photographers with delusions of grandeur. I like that one model’s boyfriend is the voice of reason. He tells her, “I’ll find a girl who’s real.” He doesn’t, however, and instead follows Cindy to Jack’s ranch, where Jack has gathered a bunch of models to shoot his calendar. Every time one of the girls poses for the camera, the worst music begins playing.

Meanwhile some guy is sneaking around, watching the goings on, and taking his own photos. At this point we have no idea who he is, nor do we care. One of the models draws herself a bubble bath, and then while the tub is filling, she applies more lipstick. Odd. But before anyone can ask her why she would do such a thing, she’s murdered. Hurrah! And it only took fifty-four minutes to get to our first murder. And, oh boy, it’s another of those crossdressing killers that we had so many of in movies for a while. He was yelled at as a child, and now he dresses as a nurse. That’s about as deep as this film is going to get.

Anyway, the crossdresser kills some other people, but like most of these films, we don’t really care. And the pacing is all over the place. It feels like scenes are missing, or the filmmakers simply forgot how to build suspense, particularly toward the end. The guy sneaking around turns out to be a private investigator. We know this because he tells two other characters he’s a private investigator. He’s been hired to find Nancy. Remember Nancy? Well, the investigator is there just to provide a bit of exposition. And then he’s killed. There are lots of random explosions, which are perhaps the filmmakers’ way of adding excitement. The killer himself provides more of an explanation as to why he’s a killer, but it’s lame and not at all original

So what is good about this film? Well, I mentioned the model early on wearing a sexy fur coat. And then later the hot blonde wears a cute fur for one shot (by the way, she was in one of the Friday The 13th movies, but not one of the good ones). I also like the anti-smoking message of the fight scene. That’s about it. By the way, Troy Donahue is in this movie. I can never watch him without getting “Look At Me, I’m Sandra Dee” in my head. But I suppose that’s my own problem, and I’ll have to work it out.