Sunday, December 20, 2015

2-Headed Shark Attack (2012)

Charlie O’Connell and Carmen Electra take a boat full of brainless, horny college students on a trip. The students are baffled by a sextant, and things become even more difficult for them when a shark slams into the boat, breaching the hull. So they go to shallower waters near an atoll to fix the boat. One of the girls has amazing vision, because while they’re still a long way from the island she somehow notices some sticks bound together far up its shore and squeals, “Oh thank god, civilization.” That also makes me wonder how and where she was raised.

Well, Charlie O’Connell takes the students to the island to look for scrap metal (uh, okay), while Carmen Electra sunbathes on the boat (and strikes poses for God), and a woman named Laura goes underwater to do some welding, or at least to wave the instrument around in the water in the vague direction of the boat (which seems much smaller underwater) until a two-headed shark eats her.

Back on the island, the students find some abandoned shacks, and Charlie O’Connell reminds them to look for scrap metal. One of the girls reveals she is afraid of water and took this class to confront her fears. Other girls, not so afraid, go swimming topless. Hurrah! And then they start making out with each other. I’m actually a little disappointed when they get eaten by the shark. Other students find two small boats. Charlie O’Connell says, “Two boats are better than none,” apparently forgetting about the boat that brought them all to shore. Actually, let’s talk about that little boat. It’s probably only big enough for like three or four people at the most. And there are at least seventeen students. So how long did it take them just to get everyone ashore? It doesn’t seem like time passes at all in this movie. The whole thing seems to take place in the early afternoon.

Charlie O’Connell bangs his leg and then acts like his leg has actually been removed. Quit whining! Anyway, two students take him back to the main boat just to relieve the suffering of the others, who must quickly tire of listening to him acting. Uh-oh, Carmen Electra is the ship’s doctor. (But in a world where Charlie O’Connell is a college professor, it sort of makes sense that Carmen Electra would have a medical license.) By the way, the boat seems to suddenly change positions in relation to the island. Look how far away it is in the wide shot. Then a second later look how close it is from the reverse shot from the island. Magic! Then it’s far away again. (There’s a buoy in one of the shots, by the way.)

Charlie O’Connell, while still on that boat, notices something alarming. “The atoll, it’s sinking! Quick, the kids!” I guess it’s time for another five or six trips in the little boat. Good thing time doesn’t pass in this movie. The kids, however, are having trouble with the two-headed shark. But hey, look, it’s not all CG! Wonderful! Also wonderful (and hilarious) are the reactions of those still on shore as they watch their friends get eaten, and later as they watch one unscrupulous student make off with the boat. “Cole stole the ship,” the blonde tells them. This means the rest are stranded on a sinking atoll. The reaction to this news? “Dumbass,” one girl says. Another girl mumbles her line, but it's something about Cole being an idiot.

I just can’t believe they’ve abandoned their quest for scrap metal.

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