Monday, December 14, 2015

Attack Of The Jurassic Shark (2012)

I can’t help myself. I keep watching these delightfully bad shark movies. And while Attack Of The Jurassic Shark is certainly bad, it also has an odd charm at moments. And it’s fun. It opens with two blondes at a deserted beach, and one wonders why it is deserted at the height of summer. The other reasons: “Who cares? Let’s just enjoy it.” Not that the first one is all that bright. After all, she is carrying a paddle, but doesn’t seem to have a boat. Plus, she doesn’t like swimming in lakes because she is afraid of sharks. What a silly tart! Except you know and I know that her silly fear might just save her life this time. It doesn’t, however, as they both go in the water. They pretend to splash each other for a while, though both are so weak that it doesn’t seem either is able to hit the other person, even though they’re standing maybe two feet apart. “Boy, you’re so going to get it,” one of them warns the other. Uh-oh, cue the shark. And down goes Tiffany. The other calls Tiffany’s name many times. But Tiffany doesn’t answer. And the other would have likely gone on calling her name indefinitely, but the shark kindly disposes of her.

Meanwhile two men (a doctor and the chairman of some board) discuss oil and some ice that melted and was shifted to the lake. There are a few more discussions with people who apparently work in some sort of combination of lab and oil drilling operation. The budget clearly didn’t allow for that sort of thing, so these conversations are in hallways and stairwells.

A bossy chick, who has apparently murdered a cop while stealing a painting, and her four henchmen arrive on the island. One of the guys says to the other, “Look, you’re my only brother, now help me with this.” There was an “Additional Dialogue” credit in the opening credits, and I’m wondering if this line is one of the additional ones. Also arriving on the island are Jill and three friends. Jill is a journalism student who is there to investigate illegal drilling, hoping her paper will win her an internship.

A couple of the painting thieves are picked off by the shark, while the survivors do their absolute best to deliver their lines. “I can’t believe it. He was almost to shore. He could have made it.” The painting they stole is now at the bottom of the lake. The shark then goes after the students, killing the one guy and leaving the three girls to call out for him repeatedly. They do find his leg, but that’s just not enough. Also, it confuses them. “What the hell, is that Mike?” one asks. And soon the three thieves and the three students meet up.

I have never seen a shark that big or ugly before,” one of the girls says. Could that be one of the additional lines of dialogue? Or maybe this line: “I thought this island was abandoned – why do I keep hearing machinery all the time?” Anyway, the six people walk through the woods to find the lab, but Jill apparently leaves her camera equipment behind. I don’t think she’s going to get that internship.

It’s not long before the thieves turn on the girls and force them to attempt to retrieve the painting from the bottom of the lake. I’m thinking that the painting might be damaged and so not worth the amount of money they were expecting, but none of the characters seem worried about this. “Get your skinny ass back in that water and bring me my painting,” the bossy chick says. “Or what? You’ll kill us? Lady, between you and it, you’re no threat.” Nice! Then the shark leaps over the students to eat the lady, and then somehow turns around mid-air to land back in the water. Pretty impressive move there.

What would happen if that thing found a populated beach elsewhere?” one of the girls wonders. Well, it’s a lake, so… But of course Jason Voorhees took a boat from Crystal Lake to New York, so anything is possible.

The slowest credits in the history of cinema help pad this trifle, taking what is a 65-minute movie and making it nearly 79 minutes. Seriously, the end credits last thirteen and a half minutes. I think that’s even longer than those fucking credits to that Lord Of The Rings DVD where they listed every single person in the fan club for no good reason.

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