Well, Russian civilians are mining red mercury in the ocean near Brazil, when some hot chicks in submarines show up and tell them to stop. They agree to stop, but a giant shark destroys their boat anyway. The girls attack the shark, using “attack pattern Red 5,” but nothing seems to hurt this shark, not even Star Wars references. (There is another Star Wars reference later, when one pilot addresses another plane as “TK421” – “TK421, why aren’t you at your post?”)
Meanwhile in the Ukraine the filmmakers don’t believe we’ll be able to understand an Asian chick or a bearded guy, so – even though they’re speaking English – they provide subtitles for them. I wonder how the actors feel about that. Well, these guys have some red mercury (everyone wants red mercury). While they’re engaged in a screwed up business deal, a giant robot is mysteriously activated.
And at a naval base in Florida, Illeana Douglas shows up as Dr. Alison Gray and goes to a meeting. The guy running the meeting opens it by saying: “Thank you all for coming. I wish it weren’t so.” Wait, what? Was another line supposed to be between those two lines, or am I giving the writer too much credit in assuming at one point this dialogue made sense? Well, no matter. What we learn is that the new shark is a baby megalodon but is growing at a ridiculous rate. Also, it’s able to leap out of the ocean to eat fighter jets. Kids these days! And I’m having second thoughts about those lines having once made sense, because the writer has Illeana Douglas say this: “This man’s ignorance about sharks may cause the end of mankind.” Wow. She and a businessman want to catch the shark rather than kill it.
And that big robot? It turns out to be a doomsday device which is somehow able to “blow itself up a thousand times over.” Uh-oh. But it’s not just an indestructible shark and a doomsday robot that our heroes have to worry about. We also have one character who goes a little nutty near the end and becomes the chief villain.
There are some good things here. The mega shark is a playful character, and it enjoys tossing ships out of the water and batting missiles with its tail. And at one point it wears the U.S. flag. How can you not enjoy its antics? Also, the film does have something to say about humanity seeking its own destruction through its creation of weapons like atomic bombs and giant robots.
At the end the Kolossus gets the mega shark in a hug and detonates itself, and that’s it. But wait a moment. Remember earlier, the guy said that the robot was able to “blow itself up a thousand times over.” It’s done it only one time so far. How can anyone think this is the end of Kolossus? Hmm. At the end of the closing credits, we’re given no mention of Kolussus, but are left with this threat: “Mega shark will return.” That leads me to think the next movie will be Mega Shark Vs. James Bond.