Harvest Of Fear (2004)

Harvest Of Fear could have been a pretty good film. The filmmakers certainly put in an effort to set up a town full of suspects. Who is doing the killing? It could be anyone. It could be everyone. Except of course, for the increasing number of dead people - they're probably innocent.

Basically twenty years ago twelve people were killed during Harvest Fest (which is described as being like Spring Break, but just before final exams). And now it's Harvest Fest again. And guess what? There is suddenly a new string of murders. Is there a connection to the other murders? Are the current murders even related to each other? According to the sheriff at the town meeting, "Although there have been nine murders, we're not ready to say that any of this is connected." Okay, then. (I could only remember eight murders, but I didn't go back to the beginning to figure out if I missed one.)

Where the filmmakers don't seem to be trying at all is in being original. Everyone is aware of the murders, and yet couples are still sneaking off to barns in the middle of the night to fuck, like in every other retarded horror film. And then the couple will separate for some lame reason (like so the guy can go get a condom). Over and over we hear, "I'll be right back." Is this a deliberate nod to Scream, or is this just lazy filmmaking? It feels like the latter.

You get this scene multiple times:
GIRL: "What was that?"
GUY: "Nothing." Or, "I didn't hear anything."
Girl and Guy are then murdered by the thing he didn't hear and she couldn't identify.

It's a shame. Because the setting was chosen with care. And they took their time to set up the town really well. But then they just didn't know what to do with it.

But they do give us a good dose of nudity. The first scene has a woman running topless through the woods. (What i didn't like in that scene was the killer smashing an acoustic guitar against a tree. There's no need for that. Kill the woman, sure, but don't destroy a guitar.) At some point in the chase, she manages to put her top back on. But then later we see her at the morgue. She's dead, but once again topless. So for those who like that sort of thing, there you go. Later there is a redhead in a cute sweater, which i appreciated.

By the way, Harvest Fest is totally lame. It's like a dozen people at someone's house, where a few leaves are hung up as decorations. There's not even a band or anything. And yet couples would rather stay for this lame event and risk getting killed than just going to a bar or out to a movie or something. These are people that probably should be killed.

Horrors Of Spider Island (1960)

As far as we know, it's an island, and there certainly is a spider. But horrors? Not really.

The movie begins with a series of dance auditions, but the folks holding the auditions aren't really asking the women to dance. In fact, the first woman that they do ask to dance is a ballet dancer. She tells them right up front that ballet is her area of expertise, so they ask her to dance. And she's good. But when she's finished they tell her they're not looking for ballet dancers. Odd that she's the one they wanted to see dance.

Well, several women are chosen, but their plane crashes into the ocean before they reach their destination. Apparently they all survive, though the stock footage of the plane going down makes it look like everyone was doomed. Anyway, it's been four days, and they're on a raft, hoping a boat will pass by. But guess what, they see land. So they manage to get ashore, but don't bother securing the raft. I guess they figure they'd rather die than get back in that thing and try their luck at sea.

Later they begin to scout the area. The one man in the group - Gary - finds a hammer. That proves the island is inhabitable, he deduces. Then he says, "A hammer with a long handle. It must be for the purpose of excavating some sort of metal, most probably uranium." This is the guy who hires trashy dancers. This is after several days with no food or shelter. And that's what he says. He doesn't seem all that excited about the prospect of civilization. Instead, he shows off his odd knowledge of hammers. But guess what? The island's inhabitant - the professor (where's Mary Ann?) - was finding uranium deposits. But he's dead now. They find him attached to a giant spider web. Uh-oh.

Gary soon gets bitten by the spider. Moments later he is beginning to turn into a spider himself. His transformation, however, only extends to his face and his hands. He runs off into the jungle to get accustomed to his new identity on his own. He does show up again, though, to kill Linda for some reason.

When the others find Linda's body, we get this amazing dialogue:

STUPID GIRL #1: "She's been strangled."
STUPID GIRL #2: "The spider."

Anyway, after one girl is dead and Gary is missing, two guys who work with the professor show up, and the remaining girls decide to play dress-up. Gladys says, "The boys will be surprised when they see how we dressed ourselves up in our island costumes." Indeed. And I was surprised that the girls weren't more interested in getting off the island. They're more interested in fighting over one of the men. One of the girls even professes to be in love with him. Wow, that's fast.

It's interesting too because they establish early on that the food they find in the professor's cabin will last a month. And then later one of the girls says that it's been twenty-eight days. You'd think they'd be concerned with the lack of food and the prospect of dying and all. Oh, also early on there is a scene where the girls fight over the clothes they find in the professor's cabin. Of course none of them ever wear these clothes.

Anyway, the movie ends with Gary running into quicksand. Lame. And the girls get on a boat and sail away. But they probably never got to their dancing gig. And perhaps the boat sank and they had to spend another four days on a life raft, and then starting eating each other. That's how I imagine it, anyway.

Sasquatch (2002)

Sasquatch could have been a better film. It has a decent cast, and a decent premise. A plane has gone down, and after two months, the search has been called off. So Harlan Knowles (Lance Henriksen) assembles his own team to go looking for the plane, because his daughter was on board, as well as a piece of machinery that's important for his company. Each of the characters has his or her own reason for wanting to go on this search, and of course their hunt leads them into the territory of the sasquatch. Sounds okay, doesn't it?

But the problems start right at the beginning. We get lots of exposition, and most of it is given to us twice - first by a news reporter, and then again by one of the main characters. It's not like the information is hard to follow. A plane went down; they couldn't find survivors - we got it.

There is an attractive blonde in the group, and when she goes to her tent to turn in for the night we get some odd softcore porn music as she takes off her sweater and pants. And the camera angles get all weird. Seriously, it's like we're suddenly watching a strip flick, except that she has on another shirt underneath the sweater, and leaves that on. It's impossible to figure out the filmmaker's intentions with this scene, unless it's simply to annoy the viewers.

The blonde keeps hitting on Lance Henriksen. In one scene she mentions something about going to a hot spring that she saw earlier, and wants one of the men to accompany her. One of the other guys jumps at the chance, but she turns him down. So Lance begrudgingly volunteers. Another guy gives Lance a gun in case they're attacked, and Lance says, "If she gets fresh, I'll use it." That's a good bit of dialogue. And there are other nice little moments like that, and a couple of surprising bits, like when they find a gun on the plane, and there is an arm attached to it. And when they stumble upon the sasquatch's stash of goodies. Of course, Lance Henriksen is always good. I particularly like the moment when he's watching the footage his daughter shot on her video camera.

But the editing is all over the place in this film. There are lots of annoying fades that seem to have no purpose. And there is a scene whose editing defies explanation. Lance and another character are talking in the cockpit; then Lance is in the other section of the plane; then they're back in the cockpit, talking; then Lance is outside the plane; then they're back in the cockpit talking. What the fuck is that about? My only guess is that the editor thought that the cockpit scene was too dull, so he spliced in bits from other scenes.

And there are some big leaps - like that the sasquatch would somehow know what the piece of equipment was for. Come on, that's ridiculous. Most of the film's characters don't even know what it's for until Lance explains it to them. And some characters do things you just don't believe at all. Like the blonde - she suddenly decides to steal the equipment and make a run for it at night, even after they've been attacked by the sasquatch. Totally unbelievable, especially considering that she's already gotten what she wanted from Lance.

This is a bad movie that could have been better had the writers done a few more drafts, and the editor not been on heavy medication. (Oddly, the editor also worked on Brothers Bloom, a movie that I absolutely loved.)

Domino (2005)

I had heard that Domino was bad. I heard it was really bad. So I thought I was prepared. But no, this isn't just a bad movie. It's an obnoxious, irritating and pointless pile of garbage. I want to rub Tony Scott's nose in this film, and hit him with a rolled up newspaper. This movie is worse than Showgirls, worse than Black Dahlia, worse than Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle. We're in BAPs territory here.

Rarely is a film this irritatingly bad - so awful that everyone responsible for it deserves a painful death. Seriously. I mean everyone involved - assistant directors, craft service people, the drivers, everyone. Or at least some serious jail time. Tony Scott should be gang-raped in a prison shower. (I'm not kidding.)

The plot? I don't know. Something about a dumb bounty hunter named Domino telling her story to an FBI agent played by the lousy Lucy Liu. And so everything is in flashback, and lines are repeated over and over - not that any of them were interesting the first time around. Images are repeated too. As you watch the movie, you feel like you're actually watching it two or three times through, and that is infuriating because it's not worth sitting through even once. Anyway, there is some stolen money. And a reality show. And an extended scene with Jerry Springer for some reason. And a pointlessly severed arm. (The reason for its being severed is so horribly contrived and stupid that Richard Kelly, the screenwriter, should be forced to submit to dangerous experimental medical tests to redeem himself.) And then at the end of the film they edit in the climactic gun fight from True Romance. Seriously. Watch carefully - that's actually Christian Slater and Patricia Arquette at the end. Pretty sure, anyway.

What's good about it? Nothing. And I mean nothing. Not a single moment, not a single shot, not a single line of dialogue is worth a damn. There is nothing the least bit interesting about this film. It's like the whole movie was an experiment to see what an audience would put up with. Every shot is irritating. Every character is irritating. The whole thing is so contrived and so full of itself. It's like a violent retarded child that you intentionally leave at the park in the hope that someone else will take it in, but no one does, and it keeps showing up at your door demanding attention. Put it down and move on.

Surf Ninjas (1993)

I've done a lot of research, and i discovered the true story of how Surf Ninjas came to be made. A well known and very serious writer - who i can't name here, for fear of a lawsuit - was at work on a depressing drama, and needed a break. So he set aside his very serious script for approximately forty-five minutes, and wrote all of the dumbest jokes and most preposterous scenarios he could think of - just to get them out of his system. When he was finished, he wrote, "Surf Ninjas" at the top of the first page and signed it. Then he set it aside, and finished his very serious drama (which won him an Oscar).

Anyway, a little later his house was broken into and the script for "Surf Ninjas" was stolen. Recognizing the writer's name, the thieves started shopping the script around. Because the writer had won an Academy Award, the project was greenlit without any studio executives actually reading the script.

Of course, the very serious writer, when learning that his joke was actually being filmed, got very upset and demanded that his name be removed from the script. Enter Dan Gordon, the credited writer. At this point in his career, Dan Gordon had two addictions: coconut juice and angry hairy midgets. Using these two points, and a tank of nitrous oxide, the executives were able to persuade Dan to attach his name to the script. Then they needed a director.

It had been nearly ten years since Bachelor Party, and Neal Israel wanted another comedic hit. When he was handed the script for Surf Ninjas, he knew right away that this wasn't it. But the producers promised him that if he agreed to direct it, they'd include one of his shitty songs in the film's soundtrack. Neal agreed, and though one of his shitty songs is included in the film, it didn't make it onto the actual soundtrack album. But by then Neal Israel was in a heroin-induced coma and didn't care.

So, anyway, what's good about Surf Ninjas? The thirty-year-old Rob Schneider playing a high school kid? No. The music? Absolutely not. In fact there is very little that isn't just plain god-awful in this film. Almost nothing. The movie is 87 minutes long, and if you took all the bits that didn't completely suck and put them together you'd have a one minute thirty-two second film. And even that wouldn't be all that great.

But this movie has something that i've never seen in any other film. This movie has a child riding a black man down the side of a mountain as if he were a sled. It's worth watching just for that moment.

Be sure to have plenty of alcohol before attempting to make your way through this film. It starts off as one of the worst movies ever made, and only goes downhill from there. (Downhill on a black man, however, so there's that.)

Ice Spiders (2007)

The terrible score often distracts viewers from the stupid script and the atrocious acting.

Ice Spiders (2007) begins with the two worst hunters of all time. They're hunting elk with bows, when along comes a spider - a giant ice spider. The hunter with the bow can't seem to hit this rather large target. What the two guys do is run away, splitting up. The spiders kill Rocky, and wrap Bob up for later.

Next the viewer is introduced to a school bus full of skiers who are training for the Olympics. It's established early on that there is no cell phone reception at Lost Mountain Resort, where they're going to be training. Chad, one of the young skiers, has an attitude.

By the way, there is no training. The only times the viewer sees any of these guys skiing, their coach is not with them. In fact, the one bit of coaching that this guy does is from the chair lift, when he yells down to two of the guys that it's quitting time.

Vanessa Williams As Doctor Sommers

Besides a ski resort, there is also a secret government lab on the mountain, where they are raising giant lethal spiders in order to save the world. (That's what they say. Really.) Doctor Sommers, played by the incredibly awful Vanessa Williams (Candyman), is the main lab person, but she goes to get her mail at the ski resort so that Dash Dashiell (Patrick Muldoon, Starship Troopers) can flirt with her. Dash used to be a professional skier, but now teaches skiing.

Chad, the young skier with attitude, is suddenly going to race Dash down the mountain. So the movie stops for a while so that this can take place. But it doesn't matter who wins, because it has absolutely no bearing on anything that occurs later. But a few of the shots of them skiing are actually pretty good.

Ranger Rick

A character named Ranger Rick (yes, seriously, and yes, they make jokes about it - for a writer to name a character that just so that he can call attention to the fact that he named the character that is so lame) asks Dash for help in finding two missing hunters. So off they go, and of course they find the bodies, and then Ranger Rick is killed by an ice spider.

Meanwhile Dr. Sommers returns to the lab and finds her co-workers dead. Except, Joseph, who is still alive and wrapped up in a web. He says the spiders got hungry and broke loose. "She took my legs," he laments. And then he actually has the line about being cold before he dies.

Dr. Sommers pulls a fire alarm, which sends a group of armed men in. Apparently they work as guards for the facility. Why they're not actually at the facility is something of a mystery, but whatever. (And what if there had actually been a fire?) Apart from the leader of this group of armed men, they're all terrible actors. Their facial expressions and reactions are so over-the-top and unbelievable. But the leader, played by Thomas Calabro, is actually pretty good.

Anyway, it's finally revealed that there are six spiders. Well, five, because Dash is able to kill one by hitting it with a snowmobile. He has a chance to run another over with a truck, but for some reason drives around it.

Spiders Don't Like The Cold

Characters in this film keep mentioning how cold it is, and how the spiders shouldn't be able to deal with these very low temperatures. But no one seems cold. The armed guys are all in short sleeves. Dr. Sommers wears just a pink sweater. No one has gloves on.

Well, the spiders begin attacking the skiers. Everyone runs inside the lodge, and Dash takes charge. When one character (played by possibly the worst actor ever to appear in a film - or a possibly a play, including school plays) challenges him, Dash says that he was a Marine for twelve years. So of course he should take charge.

Another Screenwriter With Math Troubles
Okay, let's stop and do a bit of math. Dash was a professional skier for a long time. He then shattered his leg. He said that it was two and a half years before he could even put on skis again. So then he had to learn how to ski again, and get good enough to be able to train others how to ski. And he's been working at this resort for several years. So when was he a Marine? Before he became a professional skier? Or after he shattered his leg and couldn't ski anymore, but before he took this job training others?

If he became a Marine right after high school, then he wouldn't have gotten out of the service until he was thirty. A bit old to take up skiing, and turn pro. But let's just say that's what happened. Then after he was a professional skier long enough to be famous (as all of the young skiers on the bus have heard of him), he shattered his leg. So, let's just say ten years. Then two and half years passed while he mended. That brings him up to age 43. Then he had to learn to ski again, get good enough to be able to train others, get this job and keep it for several years. So is he 50? Or 55?

Spiders On Steroids

Anyway, it's finally revealed how the spiders got so large. The folks at the lab forced the spiders to take hormones and steroids, because they wanted more webbing in order to make bullet-proof vests, and they figured the larger the spiders were, the more webbing they'd produce. And with the bullet-proof vests they planned to save the world. They say the web is stronger than steel, but multiple times in the film, characters simply brush it aside.

Terrible Score

In a film full of problems, by far the worst element is the score. There are moments in this film that could be really suspenseful, but the score interferes.

Ice Spiders was written by Eric Miller and directed by Tibor Takacs.

Horror House on Highway 5 (1985)

Poor DVD Transfer Mars What Would Otherwise be a Terrible Film

Uh-oh, Nixon's coming. Better get your toy rocket.

Okay, try and follow this one. The film opens with two men looking at Tarot cards. One man holds up a card that says, "La Mort." The other guy says, "La Mort. That means death." The first guy says, "No. La mort. Love." He proves it by pointing out that the skeleton on the card is smiling.

Nixon Wrestling

The next scene is at a couple's home. The guy is wearing a Nixon mask, and he goes outside to put a bag in the car, but there is already a killer in there, and he kills the guy by grabbing him. Then while the woman is in the shower - because of course she has to take a shower - the killer puts on the Nixon mask and puts the guy's body in a cabinet for the woman to find.

He then kills the woman by wrestling her to the floor and bonking her on the head. But of course she's not dead, because he's only wrestled her to the floor and bonked her on the head. So she gets up, and though he's not chasing her, she runs and falls on her glass coffee table. He hears the noise, but doesn't go to investigate. She slowly gets up and then somehow she dies while reaching for a piece of glass.

Confused yet?

City College and World War II Experiments

Next the film takes us to a classroom at City College, where a teacher assigns his very few students a project on the development of the V2 rocket during World War II and the influence of a German scientist, Frederick Bartholomew.

He points to a map and tells them they should do their project out on Highway 5. "There's a small field right here which would be the perfect place for you to complete your research," he tells them. He tells Sally to stay in town to interview people who knew Bartholomew, and for the rest to go test a rocket.

Test a rocket? What? What City College has a World War II rocket?

Anyway, Sally goes to conduct her interviews. But she leaves the first person she comes across without interviewing him. He must really want to be interviewed because he sends another man, Gary, out to go grab her and put her in a sack. Unfortunately, Gary grabs the wrong girl, so he has to go put her on a bench at a bus stop.

Still following all of this?

And what is the advertisement on the bus stop bench? It's for Groman Mortuaries. Mortuaries? That must mean something to do with love.

Journalism Is Dangerous Business

Next a girl in a bikini is looking over plans for a rocket. She quickly gets bored, and so dives into the pool.

Suddenly it's night, and Sally has returned to interview the guy (so Gary need not have bothered going out to grab her). Before she can ask a single question, however, he drugs her and then complains about neighborhood children.

Meanwhile, another student is reading. He finds an article, and a sudden voice over says, "What's this? An article?"

Now it's day again and the two guys take Sally to some other house, where Bartholomew once lived. Gary tries to iron Sally's dress while she's still wearing it, even though she tells him not to - while the other guy reads something in German.

Still reading this?

It's A Horror Movie From The 1980s, So Two Students Must Be In A Van

Okay, now there are two students in a van. The guy says, "Hey, there's a house," and then, "Hey, there's another one." Ooh, the first house is where they have taken Sally. And ooh, look, the second one is the one owned by the couple in the beginning. The girl suddenly stops the van and somehow in doing so she breaks her glasses.

Back to the two men and Sally and talk of a ceremony (which, by the way, is never performed and never mentioned again - not to ruin it).

Dead Cat Means It's Time To Go

It's night again, and the students are in the van, but now there's a dead cat in there with them, which the guy doesn't like. He throws it away while the girl builds a model rocket. But the trash can already has a dead body in it. Who is it? It's unclear. They decide to leave, but guess what - the van won't start.

Another Couple, An Attempt On Nixon's Life

Now a new couple is driving a car, and they almost hit Richard Nixon, who is wandering up the road. (Hey, are they driving the same car that other guy was killed in? It looks very similar.) Well, Joe, the guy, gets out of the car to punch Nixon. But Nixon gets upset, and fights back. So the couple drives away. Joe then turns the car around and runs Nixon down.

The girl says to him, "You just ran that guy over. You must have a low IQ." But Joe's dead too, having hit his head on impact. But Nixon lives, so the girl takes off on foot.

If Playing Records Doesn't Win Her Love, Kill Her

Meanwhile Gary is wooing Sally by cleaning the carpet and playing records. The girl from the car comes in, then leaves, then gets attacked by Nixon.

The guy in the van goes to use a phone, but instead gets a metal rake in his head. His mistake.
The girl from the van walks into the house and finds Sally, who is alone for some reason. She unlocks Sally, but Sally doesn't get up. Instead, she screams. But screaming doesn't stop Gary from killing her.

The girl from the van sneaks away into the Nazi cellar. (By the way, apparently there's a Nazi cellar.)

Everything Is Explained In A Voice Over

Meanwhile, in another room in the house, the other guy writes a letter to Gary (rather than just go into the other room and talk to him). The letter is read in a voice over, saying that they're brothers, and that Bartholomew is their dad and he's dressed as Nixon. So that explains that.
There's a little more, but does it matter? The film is definitely played for comedy a lot of the time. And at times it seems intentionally bad. But intentional or not, it's still bad.

Poor Transfer

The quality of the DVD transfer is awful, off an old videocassette. Think Alpha Video, but worse. In fact, there is a warning at the beginning of the DVD, mentioning the low quality of the transfer, and boy, they're not kidding. It was distributed by Timeless Media Group.