Saturday, March 26, 2011
Horror House on Highway 5 (1985)
Poor DVD Transfer Mars What Would Otherwise be a Terrible Film
Uh-oh, Nixon's coming. Better get your toy rocket.
Okay, try and follow this one. The film opens with two men looking at Tarot cards. One man holds up a card that says, "La Mort." The other guy says, "La Mort. That means death." The first guy says, "No. La mort. Love." He proves it by pointing out that the skeleton on the card is smiling.
The next scene is at a couple's home. The guy is wearing a Nixon mask, and he goes outside to put a bag in the car, but there is already a killer in there, and he kills the guy by grabbing him. Then while the woman is in the shower - because of course she has to take a shower - the killer puts on the Nixon mask and puts the guy's body in a cabinet for the woman to find.
He then kills the woman by wrestling her to the floor and bonking her on the head. But of course she's not dead, because he's only wrestled her to the floor and bonked her on the head. So she gets up, and though he's not chasing her, she runs and falls on her glass coffee table. He hears the noise, but doesn't go to investigate. She slowly gets up and then somehow she dies while reaching for a piece of glass.
City College and World War II Experiments
Next the film takes us to a classroom at City College, where a teacher assigns his very few students a project on the development of the V2 rocket during World War II and the influence of a German scientist, Frederick Bartholomew.
He points to a map and tells them they should do their project out on Highway 5. "There's a small field right here which would be the perfect place for you to complete your research," he tells them. He tells Sally to stay in town to interview people who knew Bartholomew, and for the rest to go test a rocket.
Test a rocket? What? What City College has a World War II rocket?
Anyway, Sally goes to conduct her interviews. But she leaves the first person she comes across without interviewing him. He must really want to be interviewed because he sends another man, Gary, out to go grab her and put her in a sack. Unfortunately, Gary grabs the wrong girl, so he has to go put her on a bench at a bus stop.
Still following all of this?
And what is the advertisement on the bus stop bench? It's for Groman Mortuaries. Mortuaries? That must mean something to do with love.
Journalism Is Dangerous Business
Next a girl in a bikini is looking over plans for a rocket. She quickly gets bored, and so dives into the pool.
Suddenly it's night, and Sally has returned to interview the guy (so Gary need not have bothered going out to grab her). Before she can ask a single question, however, he drugs her and then complains about neighborhood children.
Meanwhile, another student is reading. He finds an article, and a sudden voice over says, "What's this? An article?"
Now it's day again and the two guys take Sally to some other house, where Bartholomew once lived. Gary tries to iron Sally's dress while she's still wearing it, even though she tells him not to - while the other guy reads something in German.
Still reading this?
It's A Horror Movie From The 1980s, So Two Students Must Be In A Van
Okay, now there are two students in a van. The guy says, "Hey, there's a house," and then, "Hey, there's another one." Ooh, the first house is where they have taken Sally. And ooh, look, the second one is the one owned by the couple in the beginning. The girl suddenly stops the van and somehow in doing so she breaks her glasses.
Back to the two men and Sally and talk of a ceremony (which, by the way, is never performed and never mentioned again - not to ruin it).
Dead Cat Means It's Time To Go
It's night again, and the students are in the van, but now there's a dead cat in there with them, which the guy doesn't like. He throws it away while the girl builds a model rocket. But the trash can already has a dead body in it. Who is it? It's unclear. They decide to leave, but guess what - the van won't start.
Another Couple, An Attempt On Nixon's Life
Now a new couple is driving a car, and they almost hit Richard Nixon, who is wandering up the road. (Hey, are they driving the same car that other guy was killed in? It looks very similar.) Well, Joe, the guy, gets out of the car to punch Nixon. But Nixon gets upset, and fights back. So the couple drives away. Joe then turns the car around and runs Nixon down.
The girl says to him, "You just ran that guy over. You must have a low IQ." But Joe's dead too, having hit his head on impact. But Nixon lives, so the girl takes off on foot.
If Playing Records Doesn't Win Her Love, Kill Her
Meanwhile Gary is wooing Sally by cleaning the carpet and playing records. The girl from the car comes in, then leaves, then gets attacked by Nixon.
The guy in the van goes to use a phone, but instead gets a metal rake in his head. His mistake.
The girl from the van walks into the house and finds Sally, who is alone for some reason. She unlocks Sally, but Sally doesn't get up. Instead, she screams. But screaming doesn't stop Gary from killing her.
The girl from the van sneaks away into the Nazi cellar. (By the way, apparently there's a Nazi cellar.)
Everything Is Explained In A Voice Over
Meanwhile, in another room in the house, the other guy writes a letter to Gary (rather than just go into the other room and talk to him). The letter is read in a voice over, saying that they're brothers, and that Bartholomew is their dad and he's dressed as Nixon. So that explains that.
There's a little more, but does it matter? The film is definitely played for comedy a lot of the time. And at times it seems intentionally bad. But intentional or not, it's still bad.
The quality of the DVD transfer is awful, off an old videocassette. Think Alpha Video, but worse. In fact, there is a warning at the beginning of the DVD, mentioning the low quality of the transfer, and boy, they're not kidding. It was distributed by Timeless Media Group.