Shark Island (2012)

As you know, most shark movies are bad. Shark Island is bad even among other shark movies. It was originally titled Shark Week, and was released on DVD under that title too. Apparently it was also released as Shark Assault. But whatever they call it, this movie is a piece of crap.

At the beginning, a man throws a key into his pool and tells another man he has fifteen seconds. That second man is bound in chains, so apparently the first man means he has fifteen seconds to retrieve the key and unlock his chains. Now it’s not clear when those fifteen seconds start, because the second guy dawdles at the edge of the pool for a while. But let’s say the time starts the moment he gets in the water. Okay? When he has nine seconds left, the man says, “Twelve seconds” (not that the guy can hear him at the bottom of the pool anyway). Then when he has negative four seconds left, the man says, “Seven seconds.” And when he has negative twelve seconds, the man tells him, “Five seconds.” At negative twenty-one seconds, the man says, “Three.” When he says “One,” the guy triumphantly raises the key out of the water, but the first man says he’s too late, and releases a shark into the pool. No kidding, he was twenty-three seconds late. And I’m not sure how the man released the shark into the pool anyway. We don’t see him pull a lever or anything. Maybe the shark just knew that whenever the man said “One” that he should go into the pool and eat whoever happened to be in there. Maybe it’s a routine the man and the shark worked out ahead of time. Who knows? Anyway, that’s the opening scene of Shark Island.

Then several people from various parts of Los Angeles are kidnaped by two men and brought to this man’s swimming pool. The man then tells them, “None of you are here by chance.” No kidding. He then tells them they’re going to play a game, and he pushes one of the people into the pool. Oh yeah, I’ve played this game. There are a lot of sharks in the pool. This is a magic pool, by the way. From above, it looks like an average-size pool, not very big, but when you’re under the water, it’s huge. Look at all those sharks. The host’s girlfriend tells the other people that sharks are gods and “They should be revered.” That’s why she has them in her swimming pool. The man says the pool is a gateway to a path taking them to the other side of the island. Each day they’ll encounter a new type of shark and have to kill it. Why does he want these people to kill his girlfriend’s deities? They have an interesting relationship. Later, when they’re alone, he yells at her, “This is not a game!” In her defense, it is difficult to know just what constitutes a game for this guy.

The people don’t bother to use the key to unlock their chains until the next day. Not too bright, these folks. Nor do they try to figure out the situation until the next day, and when they do, they discover that their host is some kind of drug trafficker, and they have each had a hand somehow in the death of the guy’s son. Rather than go back and kill him and his girlfriend, this group wanders around the island, where apparently there are cameras attached to every tree and rock and blade of grass, because the drug trafficker is able to watch them and hear them wherever they are. They are somehow aware of the cameras, though they don’t think to smash them, and that might be because we never actually see any cameras.

This is yet one more movie where the sharks growl. And watch out for the CG mine field! Apparently this man has cameras and speakers attached to the waves in the ocean too, for he’s able to communicate with the people while in they’re in the water. Amazingly, this man has control of the sharks in the ocean. This is a pretty elaborate revenge scenario, but he often looks quite bored while watching the people on his monitor. Yes, just one monitor. And I am quite bored watching him be quite bored watching them. But my third beer helps do the trick.

Hey, this movie was directed by the same guy that directed 2-Headed Shark Attack, 3 Headed Shark Attack and Mega Shark Vs. Kolossus. Wow! And guess what? This one is the worst of the bunch.

same movie (don't be fooled)