Monday, December 21, 2015

3 Headed Shark Attack (2015)

Just as the sequel to the remake of Ocean’s Eleven was titled Ocean’s Twelve, and the sequel to the film version of 21 Jump Street was titled 22 Jump Street, the sequel to 2-Headed Shark Attack is 3 Headed Shark Attack. And I’ll tell you right now, I’m looking forward to the sixth or seventh instalment of this series. Well, this three-headed shark is even more dangerous than its predecessor, as it goes right up onto the beach in search of snacks. Just when you thought it was safe to go near the water.

Maggie is a gung ho young intern arriving for her first day of work at an underwater research station studying pollution and its effects on marine life. Dr. Laura Thomas, a chick with amazing boobs, seems to be in charge (twenty minutes into the film, I glanced up at her face and was disappointed), along with Dr. Ted Nelson. Also arriving on this day is a small group of environmental activists, who are invited to work with the scientists. We learn that pollution is causing mutations in between twenty and twenty-five percent of specimens the facility is studying. I like that this movie has a nice environmental message: Don’t pollute, and we won’t have to worry about giant three-headed sharks.

This shark has some interesting abilities. Besides jumping onto shore for lunch, it’s able to somehow swim in water that’s only three feet deep without breaking the surface (perhaps it tucks that dorsal fin in), then leap twenty-five feet into the air and dive straight down into the shallow water and disappear. It’s kind of amazing.

It’s not long before the shark attacks the research station. This movie taps into one of my secret fears – being eaten by a shark while I’m seated on the toilet. Oh, I’m going to have nightmares for weeks. Well, the shark causes an explosion, and it looks like the only ones to make it out alive are Boobs, Ted Nelson, Maggie and the activists. Uh-oh, they are the heroes? Well, the activists’ boat is a good distance from shore. So the plan is for one guy to swim to the boat, start it, and drive it to shore, so everyone else can get in. But the first guy who reaches the boat can’t get it started. The second has trouble. The third, Alison (the cute one), just seems shaken. The fourth one doesn’t make it. Finally they get it started, but then immediately abandon their plan, saying the water is too shallow. So the last three have to swim to the boat anyway. Way to draw out a scene, folks. Boobs goes into the water to distract the shark, so that the other two can make it to the boat (though three have made it already without any such distraction). Boobs’ plan should work. I myself am distracted. And, unfortunately, it does work. Boobs is eaten, and I’m a little less interested in the movie. We still have Alison, who is cute but worthless. Anyway, they try to contact the coast guard, but instead reach Max Burns (Danny Trejo), who is out fishing with a couple of friends. They try to convince him to come help them, that they’re being chased by a giant three-headed shark.

But the shark, having already eaten Boobs, understandably loses interest in pursuing their boat, especially when it spies a party boat full of hot girls nearby. So actually Maggie, Ted and the remaining activists are safe. And hey, the shark eats trash on its way to the party boat. Nice. It’s cleaning the ocean, not only of bad actors but of beer cans. Speaking of bad actors, here comes Danny Trejo to the rescue.

Well, instead of using the opportunity of the shark being otherwise occupied to go to shore (which is really close, by the way), Maggie convinces the others they have to rescue the drunks on the party boat. She says that they have to do something because she just watched all her friends die. Wait a minute. She was an intern, and this was her first day. She hadn’t even met most of the people at that research station. How is she calling them her friends? Don’t you hate people who try to take others’ tragedies and somehow make it personal to them? Greg, one of the activists, gets in on it too: “We just watched all of our friends get eaten by that monster. All of them.” Well, one of his friends was eaten, but the others are on the boat. That’s assuming that he has no other friends anywhere in the world. Greg must just be caught up in the excitement. Later, at home, he’ll be able to give a more accurate assessment of what transpired.

Anyway, the shark is supposedly following the trail of trash from the party boat, but the trash is all beer cans, and everyone on the boat is drinking from plastic cups. Whoops! One guy on the party boat sees the three-headed shark and says, “That’s odd.” I agree. The shark then jumps right onto the party boat, eats some people, then swims away. But suddenly almost everyone is gone from the party boat. Where did they go? Did they run out of money for extras in the budget? Some of them appear again a little later.

By the way, the DVD box says, “Uncensored” and “Unrated,” but the word “shit” is missing at one point, having been cut, and at two other points the word “shoot” has clearly been substituted after the fact. The guy sees the shark coming right for him and says, “Aw, shoot.” Uncensored, my ass.

Well, there is a shot of one guy riding the shark, which is hilarious. It’s one of my favorite moments of the movie. So their plan had been to rescue the drunks, but they managed to only rescue three people from that party boat, while losing at least one of their own. Nice plan, Maggie. But Maggie isn’t done being an obnoxious and stupid little bitch. When told the boat would only last another twenty miles, she tells them to drive to an atoll that’s ten or fifteen miles ahead because it’s the only land they can reach. But even as she says this, we can see land on either side of the boat, and it’s quite close. But instead of pointing this out to Maggie, they follow her instructions and drive forward. These people are fucking idiots. And what is up with this series and atolls?

And why does Danny Trejo have all these big guns on his fishing boat? And there is suddenly something about the shark being able to grow more heads (preparing us for the next movie in the series, I assume).

Well, this atoll has badminton nets and park benches and so on. And it has a couple of boats, just like the atoll in the first film. So they split up, getting into the two boats. The shark, of course, chases one of the boats. And… have I mentioned how fucking stupid these people are? The people on the other boat yell “Shark!” to Alison, but she’s like, “What are they shouting?” Silly bitch, what else could they possibly be shouting? What is the one thing you’ve been trying to get away from for the last ninety minutes? Alison is cute, but when the shark finally eats her, I’m glad. You know, there is land everywhere you look in this film. These idiots could have been safe at any time they desired. But instead they just keep getting on boats. At the end of the day, they’re just too stupid to live.

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