Maggie is a gung ho young intern arriving for her first
day of work at an underwater research station studying pollution and its
effects on marine life. Dr. Laura Thomas, a chick with amazing boobs, seems to
be in charge (twenty minutes into the film, I glanced up at her face and was
disappointed), along with Dr. Ted Nelson. Also arriving on this day is a small
group of environmental activists, who are invited to work with the scientists.
We learn that pollution is causing mutations in between twenty and twenty-five
percent of specimens the facility is studying. I like that this movie has a
nice environmental message: Don’t pollute, and we won’t have to worry about
giant three-headed sharks.
This shark has some interesting abilities. Besides
jumping onto shore for lunch, it’s able to somehow swim in water that’s only
three feet deep without breaking the surface (perhaps it tucks that dorsal fin
in), then leap twenty-five feet into the air and dive straight down into the
shallow water and disappear. It’s kind of amazing.
It’s not long before the shark attacks the research
station. This movie taps into one of my secret fears – being eaten by a shark
while I’m seated on the toilet. Oh, I’m going to have nightmares for weeks.
Well, the shark causes an explosion, and it looks like the only ones to make it
out alive are Boobs, Ted Nelson, Maggie and the activists. Uh-oh, they are the
heroes? Well, the activists’ boat is a good distance from shore. So the plan is
for one guy to swim to the boat, start it, and drive it to shore, so everyone
else can get in. But the first guy who reaches the boat can’t get it started.
The second has trouble. The third, Alison (the cute one), just seems shaken.
The fourth one doesn’t make it. Finally they get it started, but then
immediately abandon their plan, saying the water is too shallow. So the last
three have to swim to the boat anyway. Way to draw out a scene, folks. Boobs
goes into the water to distract the shark, so that the other two can make it to
the boat (though three have made it already without any such distraction).
Boobs’ plan should work. I myself am distracted. And, unfortunately, it does
work. Boobs is eaten, and I’m a little less interested in the movie. We still
have Alison, who is cute but worthless. Anyway, they try to contact the coast
guard, but instead reach Max Burns (Danny Trejo), who is out fishing with a
couple of friends. They try to convince him to come help them, that they’re
being chased by a giant three-headed shark.
But the shark, having already eaten Boobs, understandably
loses interest in pursuing their boat, especially when it spies a party boat
full of hot girls nearby. So actually Maggie, Ted and the remaining activists
are safe. And hey, the shark eats trash on its way to the party boat. Nice. It’s
cleaning the ocean, not only of bad actors but of beer cans. Speaking of bad
actors, here comes Danny Trejo to the rescue.
Well, instead of using the opportunity of the shark being
otherwise occupied to go to shore (which is really close, by the way), Maggie
convinces the others they have to rescue the drunks on the party boat. She says
that they have to do something because she just watched all her friends die.
Wait a minute. She was an intern, and this was her first day. She hadn’t even
met most of the people at that research station. How is she calling them her
friends? Don’t you hate people who try to take others’ tragedies and somehow
make it personal to them? Greg, one of the activists, gets in on it too: “We just watched all of our friends get eaten
by that monster. All of them.” Well, one of his friends was eaten, but the
others are on the boat. That’s assuming that he has no other friends anywhere
in the world. Greg must just be caught up in the excitement. Later, at home, he’ll
be able to give a more accurate assessment of what transpired.
Anyway, the shark is supposedly following the trail of
trash from the party boat, but the trash is all beer cans, and everyone on the
boat is drinking from plastic cups. Whoops! One guy on the party boat sees the
three-headed shark and says, “That’s odd.”
I agree. The shark then jumps right onto the party boat, eats some people, then
swims away. But suddenly almost everyone is gone from the party boat. Where did
they go? Did they run out of money for extras in the budget? Some of them
appear again a little later.
By the way, the DVD box says, “Uncensored” and “Unrated,”
but the word “shit” is missing at one point, having been cut, and at two other
points the word “shoot” has clearly been substituted after the fact. The guy
sees the shark coming right for him and says, “Aw, shoot.” Uncensored, my ass.
Well, there is a shot of one guy riding the shark, which
is hilarious. It’s one of my favorite moments of the movie. So their plan had
been to rescue the drunks, but they managed to only rescue three people from
that party boat, while losing at least one of their own. Nice plan, Maggie. But
Maggie isn’t done being an obnoxious and stupid little bitch. When told the
boat would only last another twenty miles, she tells them to drive to an atoll
that’s ten or fifteen miles ahead because it’s the only land they can reach.
But even as she says this, we can see land on either side of the boat, and it’s
quite close. But instead of pointing this out to Maggie, they follow her
instructions and drive forward. These people are fucking idiots. And what is up
with this series and atolls?
And why does Danny Trejo have all these big guns on his
fishing boat? And there is suddenly something about the shark being able to
grow more heads (preparing us for the next movie in the series, I assume).
Well, this atoll has badminton nets and park benches and
so on. And it has a couple of boats, just like the atoll in the first film. So
they split up, getting into the two boats. The shark, of course, chases one of
the boats. And… have I mentioned how fucking stupid these people are? The
people on the other boat yell “Shark!”
to Alison, but she’s like, “What are they
shouting?” Silly bitch, what else could they possibly be shouting? What is
the one thing you’ve been trying to get away from for the last ninety minutes?
Alison is cute, but when the shark finally eats her, I’m glad. You know, there
is land everywhere you look in this film. These idiots could have been safe at
any time they desired. But instead they just keep getting on boats. At the end
of the day, they’re just too stupid to live.
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