Open Water 3: Cage Dive (2017)

Open Water 3: Cage Dive is a so-called “found footage” movie. I didn’t know that when I bought the DVD. I think all these films should have a warning displayed prominently on the front of the DVD box: “Warning: This is a found footage film.” So we know to stay away. But I didn’t know until the movie started.

Well, this movie works under the mistaken belief that if we are shown three people clowning around long enough, we’ll begin to care about them. Clowning around takes the place of anything resembling character development. As for a plot, three people go on a cage dive in order to make a video to submit to some “reality” television program in the hope that they’ll be chosen as contestants. Yeah, that’s their goal: be on a “reality” show. So right away we fucking hate these people. Then they film themselves making out, and we hate them even more. Then they film themselves watching earlier footage they shot, and we are more than ready for these dipshits to die. Bring on the sharks! Eat these people already.

These three people are completely empty and worthless, so when the film adds the drama that both brothers are fucking the same girl, we could not possibly care less. We already hate them. And why is it that bad shark movies feel a need to remind us of a good shark movie? One character here quotes Jaws: “We’re going to need a bigger boat.” Anyway, they get into a shark cage, but then some mean wave comes and destroys the boat, knocking everyone into the water. And the rest of the movie is those three people bobbing in the water, worried they won’t be rescued, but still filming every goddamn stupid thing they do. That is a big problem with all of these “found footage” horror films, that people keep filming long after any reasonable or believable person would have stopped. I mean, these three people are in the water, surrounded by sharks. Would they really keep filming their fucking audition tape for the fucking television series? Another problem is the awful shots, where we can’t really tell what it is we’re supposed to be seeing, and lots of shots where we can’t see anything at all. And, like every stupid “found footage” movie, this film gives us lines like “Did you see that?” and “What is it?” and “What the hell is that?” and “What was that?” And – in complete darkness – we have to listen to an argument after it’s revealed that Megan has been screwing around with both guys. The guys actually continue arguing about it even after Megan is dead. Fucking dipshits.

But guess what? There are some good things about this movie. There is some nice whale footage, as well as some very cool shark footage. And the film takes an interesting and surprising turn when the three people find a fully stocked life raft. But then they prove themselves to be incredibly stupid once again, firing a flare gun into the raft. If you somehow didn’t already think these assholes deserved to be eaten, that moment would be enough to change your mind and start cheering on the sharks. There actually are some scares with the sharks. But of course the film would be much more frightening if it weren’t done as “found footage.” Is it wrong of me to wish that sharks would eat any filmmaker planning on producing a “found footage” film? By the way, the batteries on that camera are amazing.