Kaw (2007)

The first big surprise of Kaw is that though it’s a total rip-off of an Alfred Hitchcock film, The Birds, Brian De Palma seems to have had nothing to do with it. Weird.

A guy in a tractor backs over a raven, killing it. The other ravens become quite angry and attack him. This is during the opening credit sequence. In The Birds, time is taken to establish the characters, and some of those early sequences are my favorite moments of the film. Kaw doesn’t bother with such extraneous business as character development. Also, forget building suspense. We know now these things just aren’t necessary.

In this small town, Wayne is the chief of police. And this is his last day. We learn this in some annoying exposition presented as dialogue. In that exposition we also learn that his wife is a professor of cultural anthropology (this has absolutely no bearing whatsoever on the plot of the film). Wayne gets a call regarding the body of the guy from the opening scene. When he gets to the barn, no one else is there, so it’s unclear who exactly called him. But no matter.

Clyde, who drives a school bus (not to a school or anything, of course – but more on that later), is attacked by some birds after throwing beer cans at one of them. You really can’t blame the birds in this film, as these townspeople all seem like assholes.

The town’s doctor, who is called simply Doc, arrives to check out the body. Quick, name as many films as you can with characters named Doc. The Doc in this film is played by Rod Taylor. Yes, the star of The Birds. His first line in Kaw is, “You know something, I don’t really know.” That could be an answer to, “What are you doing in this stupid movie?”

Well, we also have a diner, which is owned and run by a woman named Betty. The scenes in this diner aren’t nearly as interesting as the diner scenes in The Birds. But perhaps I should stop comparing the two films.

Kaw borrows traditional elements from other horror films. For example, we get some crazy religious people on a farm (like those in Wes Craven’s Deadly Blessing). They believe photo albums are evil. They’re supposed to be like the Amish, but we see them driving a car later. So: cameras, bad; cars, good. It’s hard to keep track of the rules.

We also get a man and woman in a car, and guess what – they’re lost. She’s looking at the map; he’s saying they’re not lost. This couple was pulled out of any number of other horror films, and placed in this film only to add to the body count. They’re attacked by birds, and immediately drive off the road. This scene is laughable rather than frightening, and then and of course the car explodes. Somehow the woman survives long enough for Wayne to find her. What’s great about that scene is that he throws her in the back of his truck – not on a seat or anything. And when he gets her to Doc, she dies, perhaps from injuries in the explosion, perhaps from injuries sustained on the ride in Wayne’s truck.

One thing that The Birds has that this movie lacks is a female lead who wears a beautiful fur coat through the first half of the film. The closest we get is Cynthia (Wayne’s wife) wearing a coat with a furry collar.  Sorry, it’s just not the same. By the way, to keep Cynthia in the movie, she goes back to the crazy religious people’s farm and hides in the barn. Why? Absolutely no idea. Earlier she wanted to give them a photo album to remember her by, but this time she doesn’t even seem to have the photo album. I definitely prefer the crazy religious guy in The Birds. Everyone kind of laughs at him when he talks about the end of the world, and he’s in the film only briefly. Well, Cynthia runs and falls into a well, where she remains for a good portion of the film. 

Back in town, the deputy sees the ravens all lined up on buildings and on the street. He says to Wayne, “I’ve never seen anything like this,” and I couldn’t help but respond, “You haven’t seen The Birds?” Ravens get angry with the deputy when he brings a gun outside. Wayne tells him they don’t like the gun. I have to admit I like these birds more and more.

Okay, back to Clyde and his school bus. In The Birds, we get a scene where a whole classroom of children is attacked by birds. In this film, we get three students on a bus. Three.  And they’re not going to school, or coming back from school. They went to a basketball practice or something. I can’t imagine their team poses any threat, what with only three players, and one of them being an Amish girl. Why only three? My guess is that the producers couldn’t afford any extras.

Well, Clyde’s bus breaks down, and it’s suddenly night. Cynthia is still down the well, if you’re wondering. I wasn’t, but the film reminded me anyway. Well, birds start throwing rocks at Clyde’s bus. I’m not kidding. One of the girls shouts, “We’re all going to die!” Sadly, this doesn’t turn out to be the case.

By the way, as in The Birds, this film has a gas pump explosion. But it’s totally stupid. Perhaps even more stupid, however, is the explanation for why the ravens have gone crazy.  They have mad cow disease.  Yup. There you have it.

Kaw stars Sean Patrick Flanery, Stephen McHattie, Kristin Booth, John Ralston, Michele Duquet, and of course Rod Taylor.  It was directed by Sheldon Wilson.

Blue Demon (2004)

Blue Demon is an incredibly silly shark movie about a team of scientists who genetically engineer a new breed of great white shark to use as defense against terrorists. I’m not kidding.

Like all excellent films, it begins with a bit of narration: “It started out as an experiment. The first change was in the eyes… I’d watch them hours on end…Sometimes I swear they were laughing at me…In a world that’s mostly covered with water, we needed a new kind of defense. Just another fish in the sea. But we made a horrible mistake. We meant to take the next step in evolution, but we created a monster.” (Should a woman who thinks sharks are laughing at her be involved in a military project?)

Well, one night three sorority girls decide to torment a pledge by making her swim out to buoy, which is like fifteen feet away. That is, after they cut through a fence with all sorts of warnings posted, including that it’s an electric fence. The pledge is cute, but for some reason they don’t want her in. Why not? The bigger question, of course, is why she doesn’t get naked before getting into the water. The cops arrive, and two of them try to make off in a small boat. But the shark gets one of them. It’s actually not a bad scene.

Then suddenly we’re in a different scene, and it feels like a different movie. The music is goofy, and the tone is different from the first scene. Like the film has decided not to take itself at all seriously.

Lawrence Van Allen, the midget in charge, tells Nathan and Marla Collins (Randall Batinkoff and DeDee Pfeiffer) their project is over because three hysterical college girls are in the hospital. They’re still trying to find pieces of the fourth. A shark breached the steel net. (By the way, it turns out that electric fence had been shut off because of budget cuts.)  Their project, Project Blue Demon, is genetically engineering a new breed of great white sharks capable of living in both salt water and fresh water and “trained to recognize specific targets to defend.” The point is to get an undetectable defense system, not a weapon.

There is lots of silliness, like Lawrence keeping his cell phone in a red-lined case in a locked drawer in his desk. He then calls for Inga, his assistant, who is totally hot. Lawrence asks her to get a box of cigars. And then we never see her again. Why is that? She pops in for one moment, looking all sexy, then disappears forever. Maybe she went over to the next soundstage and found a better film to be in. Or maybe she’s still looking for that box of cigars. Maybe she’s just very slow. These genetically engineered sharks are also very, very slow, as we see when Marla slips into the water.

Six weeks later, they give their presentation before the military folks, including General Remora (Jeff Fahey). It’s done in a deliberately silly style. This film seems to consider itself more of an action comedy than horror. Lawrence says they’re creating a squadron of sharks trained to seek out and neutralize terrorist threats. But the sharks are gone. Someone opened the gate.

Meanwhile the maintenance crew is finally fixing the underwater fence. That’s right, six weeks after a shark got out and killed a sorority girl. Did they ever catch that one? Well, as punishment to the maintenance guys for being so slow, the sharks eat them.

Then the sharks swim in attack formation to populated areas. But don’t worry – these are the slowest sharks ever. Watch those dorsal fins basically standing still. A couple of teenagers have their first kiss in the lake. And then a shark comes up to them. I wouldn’t say it chases them or attacks them because it’s moving slower than a ninety-year-old woman with a walker. Glaciers could outrun these sharks. The teenagers get out of the lake without any trouble.

It’s a lake, but Nathan calls the Coast Guard for help. Lakes aren’t really coasts, but… Well, they don’t pay any attention to his call anyway. And soon the sharks have “breached the lake” and are in the ocean. Do freshwater lakes usually lead to the ocean?

It turns out it was an inside job, turning the sharks loose. Someone reprogrammed a shark to carry a bomb to San Francisco so that the country will then get tough on terrorism again.

I have to say, as stupid as this entire film is, I enjoyed it. It was fun. And it was basically done well, though the sharks look terrible. At the end we get the opening voice over again. And at the end of it, we see Marla speaking in front of a United States flag. It’s enough to make me proud of this great nation of ours.

The movie isn’t quite over, however, because every single actor gets his or own special segment in the closing credits. Except Inga. Poor Inga. No credit for her, as she had no lines. We miss you, Inga. The closing credits move almost as slowly as the sharks. They really wanted this film to be ninety minutes, I guess.

Blue Demon was written and directed by Dan Grodnik. On the box, his named is spelled two different ways: Grodnik and Grodnick.

Shark Hunter (2001)

I love shark movies. That means I love bad shark movies, because only a couple of them are actually good films. But Shark Hunter is particularly bad, mostly because it takes place almost entirely in a submarine. So we miss those wonderful shots of dorsal fins cutting through the surface, and hot girls screaming at the beach. Basically, all those things we love about shark movies are missing from this shark movie.

It begins with a flashback. A family of three is on a little boat on the ocean during a foggy night. The first big question is, What’s up with the boy’s voice? As we’re wondering that, something big attacks the boat, and sadly the boy survives.

Then, in the present, the boy – Spencer – is an adult (and is played by Antonio Sabato, Jr.). He is giving a college lecture, which is interrupted by his colleague, William (Christain Toulali - yes, that is how he's credited in this film). William tells him he won’t be able to use the special submarine that he designed. That couldn’t wait until the end of his lecture? College tuition is expensive, and these interruptions are being paid for by all of those students.

Meanwhile in some underwater laboratory (it’s really unclear what the purpose of this place is), a guy is smoking a cigarette. That seems unwise, and also unkind to the others who have to share that limited space. But then to simplify matters, a giant shark comes and starts eating people. It rams the facility, causing the place to explode.

Spencer and William are hired to investigate. Intense music plays while Spencer looks at slides of sharks. Then they go on the submarine that Spencer was so excited about. We meet the crew of the sub, all the usual characters, including Harrington, who displays an attitude for no particular reason. Playing one of the crew members is Velizar Binev, who also has roles in Shark Zone and Raging Sharks. Good for him.

A diver goes down and finds a body. Nice makeup job on the body’s face. Too bad they ran out of makeup before they got to his neck. Well, the diver finds a giant tooth (just like in Jaws, only bigger, and he’s able to hold onto it). It’s that of a Megalodon, a shark thought to be extinct. Spencer is certain it’s the same fish that ate his parents, and he’s out for revenge.

However, Cheryl  reminds him that they’re scientists, and that they should capture the fish and study it. By the way, Cheryl (Heather Marie Marsden) is the only woman in the movie, but fortunately she’s kind of cute. Except when she does her pouty face. The shark too has a pouty, angry face. Perhaps that’s why she wants to capture it, rather than kill it. She calls it “Meg.”

At one point Harrington says, “Guys, we’re gonna need a bigger sub,” briefly reminding us of a much better shark movie.

Shark Hunter was directed by Matt Codd.

Shark Zone (2003)

I love shark movies. And if you’re going to enjoy watching shark movies, you’re going to have to enjoy watching bad shark movies because very few of them are any good (at the moment I can think of only Jaws and Open Water as examples).  Shark Zone is certainly a bad shark movie. And yes, I truly enjoyed it.

Oddly, this film begins in 1712, when the Santa Cruz, a Spanish boat crossing the Atlantic, encounters a serious storm just off the coast of the New World. According to the opening narration, the boat disappears in an uncharted reef.

Then we are in current times, in San Francisco, where Mr. Wagner takes a group diving to tour the boat’s wreckage. Wait, the boat sailed from Spain to California?  He takes the group by helicopter rather than by boat. I’m not sure why, as they don’t actually go too far from shore. Among the diving group is Jimmy, Wagner’s son. Wagner calls him Jimbo, and so shall I.

They all jump out of the helicopter into the water, and though Wagner reminds them to stick together, they all ignore him and go off in pairs (except for his son, of course). Somehow they can communicate, though on the close-ups you can tell no one is actually talking (perhaps they communicate through telepathy). They find the wreckage of the Santa Cruz, which isn’t far beneath the surface, but then a great white shark attacks and kills them. Jimbo is the only survivor.

Ten years later in San Francisco, Jimbo (Dean Cochran), now a father himself, misses his dad. He is in charge of beach security, and the Beach Fiesta is coming up next weekend. That weekend is also the anniversary of his father’s death.

By the way, Carrie, Jimbo’s wife, is played by an incredibly inept actor. She is shockingly bad, and also completely unbelievable as a mother. She seems more like a porn actor. Instead of delivering dramatic dialogue, she should be shown with semen dripping from her face. And with a name like Brandi Sherwood, she probably was a porn actor.

In one of her early scenes, she and Jimbo are taking a boat ride. The sky is blue behind them, but as soon as they kiss, they’re in a squall. A shark begins eating their boat, and, graciously, eats Carrie. But then, what a bloody tease, it was only a dream. The awful wife is still alive.

Anyway, a shady businessman named Mr. Volkoff (Velizar Bineu) wants to know where the Santa Cruz is, because he believes the stories that there are diamonds in the wreckage.  If a diving team went down there, clearly its location is no secret. Hell, they did it just off shore from a helicopter. Plus, it’s really close to the surface. Are we really to believe that Jimbo is the only one who is aware of the boat’s location? Apparently. Well, Jimbo won’t tell him, because that’s where his father died.

Volkoff is funding the Beach Fiesta, but with the understanding that in exchange he’ll be shown the location of the Santa Cruz. He threatens Mayor Cortell (Alan Austin) that he will withdraw his support if he’s not given the information.  Hold on, the Fiesta is this weekend. Hasn’t the money already been spent? Also, this is San Francisco. Is the entire Fiesta funded by a single businessman?

When Jimbo’s son, Danny, learns that his grandfather was eaten by sharks, he says, “You know, I hate sharks. They suck.” Jimbo replies, “Yes, they do.” And that is a sweet father-and-son bonding moment.

Well, great white sharks start attacking swimmers at the beach. It’s cool that they use footage of actual great whites. But they probably shouldn’t have used the shot with the bait clearly visible in the water. It kind of ruins the effect.  Anyway, lots of people die. But the mayor refuses to close the beach. He tells Jimbo, “I know some people lost their lives out there. I’m not completely insensitive to that, okay? But I’ve got to deal with the people that make their livelihood in this town.” Jaws, much?

Jimbo is really like the Chief Brody character in Jaws, except this is San Francisco, not a tiny beach community, so it’s not really believable at all.  Jimbo tells the mayor that these sharks are bigger, faster and more aggressive than any he’s seen before. Then he goes to hunt the sharks with a team of three friends.

The geography is all weird when they go to hunt the sharks. They travel by boat for a while. But when Jimbo’s wife at home looks out her window, she can see the boat. By the way, beach security must be a high-paying job in San Francisco, because they have a giant beachfront home. I couldn’t even afford a studio apartment in San Francisco. Hell, I can’t afford the parking in that city.

Well, the guys in the shark cages are supposed to be killing the sharks. (And tagging the ones they’re unable to kill.) So I have to wonder why they have big yellow underwater cameras rather than guns. As the sharks attack the cages, one of the divers says “Get away” to a shark. But it doesn’t listen. When the sharks have finished eating the three men, Jimbo (safe on the boat) gets angry and shouts, “Bastards.”

I’m not sure if he’s angry with the sharks, or with his men for taking cameras rather than guns. Either way, he has to get more volunteers for his next fight with the sharks. As anyone would do in that situation, he turns to his bartender.  This time they bring guns.  (In the next fight, that shot with the bait is used again. Geez, once was bad enough.)

Then they get in a helicopter and drop explosives into the water in order to kill the sharks. Apparently they’re successful, so Jimbo quips, “Class dismissed.”  Seriously. I am guessing the line is intended as a joke on the idea of a school of fish. Of course, there were only three sharks, and I’m not sure how many sharks make up a school.

But the film isn’t over. Because Volkoff (remember him?) is still keen on retrieving the diamonds. He threatens Jimbo, and when that doesn’t work, he has Jimbo’s son kidnaped. Jimbo doesn’t tell the mayor or call the cops or anything. Instead, he cooperates. And Volkoff’s divers find the diamonds. And the sharks find Volkoff’s divers.

This film taught me that great whites growl like dogs. Wait, didn’t that happen in Jaws: The Revenge? Wasn’t that one of the things that made that film laughable? What a strange detail to rip off from a film that’s even worse than this one.

By the way, there is a nice bit of nudity with a cute brunette. But she is killed in about ten seconds, and no mention is ever made of her again. So I’ll just mention her here: nice breasts.

Shark Zone was directed by Danny Lerner, who also directed Raging Sharks and Sharks In Venice (and yes, both of those are in my DVD collection).

Bats: Human Harvest (2007)

The opening scene of Bats: Human Harvest is a bit confusing. What seems to be happening is that some bats have set a trap for Russian soldiers using a child’s bicycle and some recordings as bait, and then filmed them in the woods when they attacked them. The movie then quickly moves to Iraq, at an Al Qaeda training camp. The trunk of an old car leads to a series of underground chambers. Is that how they fit all those clowns in the tiny circus cars?

We next move to a meeting of CIA folks, who say that through that raid on the camp, they learned of a network trying to obtain nuclear weapons. (Is it the FOX Network?) One of the factories is located in the Belzan Forest, in southern Russia.  The mission is to extract a certain doctor from the area. I think they refer to him as the “WMD Doctor,” so if you have a missile that’s feeling under the weather, you should take it to see this guy.

The film then introduces us to the military team that is going to retrieve the doctor. About the forest, the men are told, “It’s bigger than New York City, and more dangerous.” Maybe so, but it’s certainly also a lot prettier, and without those fucking Yankees fans. One of the team is some Russian chick who, boasting of her patriotism, says “On the fourth of July I like to blow things up.”  Hey, who doesn’t?

We then suffer through a hard rock montage of military guys getting ready for the mission. Who cares? It’s the same garbage we’ve seen hundreds of times. It’s brief, but not brief enough. Once they’re in the field, they find bits of dead guys from the film’s first scene. And though it’s daytime, the bats are flying around. Plus, these bats are meat-eaters, and are like chameleons, having the ability to blend in with their surroundings. Well, not with the sky, or the leaves, but with the bark of the trees they land on.

Soon this military team hears the recordings that lured the Russians into the area. And even though the speakers are plainly visible, attached to the trunks of trees, the sounds seem to confuse the military folks. And though the cameras are high up on the trunks and aimed in one direction, the footage they capture is close-ups at ground level.

Several of the military guys are killed by the bats, but three of them live to capture the doctor, who is running some experiments on the bats. The doctor says the bats were bred to like human blood, except for his own. Apparently he has some kind of special blood that no one else has.

This film is somewhat realistic, in as much as the military team finds no weapons of mass destruction at the location – just some bats.  And it is a bit of harmless fun.  Also, it’s short, coming in at less than 90 minutes.

This brilliant tagline graces the cover of the DVD: “Don’t go near the dark.” Of course, it’s even more stupid, as these bats fly around in the daytime. Bats: Human Harvest stars David Chokachi, Michael Jace, Pollyanna McIntosh, Martin Papazian, Melissa De Sousa and Tomas Arana. It was directed by Jamie Dixon.