Planet Of The Sharks (2016)

“Take your stinking fins off me, you damn dirty shark!” No, that line is not in Planet Of The Sharks. But it could have been, I suppose, and in fact during the opening credits sequence we see the Statue of Liberty under water. Planet Of The Sharks is different from the rest of the bad shark movies out there. It’s a post-apocalyptic film borrowing more from Waterworld than Jaws. The polar ice caps have melted, and the world is covered by water. A group of scientists at a research facility are working to do something about it, while the rest of the people are just trying to survive.

The movie opens at a place called Junk City, where rent is cheap. Perhaps if the residents changed their town’s name, they could feel better about themselves. Anyway, a title tells us, “Population 72.” Ah, not for long. Here come the sharks, and they can leap out of the water to claim their victims. One girl hides in a barrel. Not sure how that’s supposed to protect her, but it does. The sharks don’t bother to search the barrels for food. Junk City is now population 1, just Bea. She is soon rescued by Barrick, a man with a working boat, who is contracted to help the scientists at the research station.

Dr. Shaw and Dr. Nichols, and their team, are working on a rocket with a CO2 scrubber attached to it to try to reverse the effect of the melted poles and gain dry land. And they need to do it soon. Temperatures on the planet are increasing, and the excessive heat in the ocean is causing the plankton to die, upsetting the food chain, and leaving the main predators with nothing to eat in the water. And that’s why the sharks are jumping out to get their food. Of course, it does beg the question, What the fuck are the people eating? But let’s not worry about that. After all, this movie is actually taking the trouble to try to give us a scientific explanation for what’s happening. It’s trying to base the film in some sort of reality, something that most shark movies don’t bother doing. And the effort is appreciated. This is a surprisingly enjoyable film, much better than it has any business being. It is suspenseful at times, fairly well acted (with a couple of exceptions), with likeable and intelligent characters, and it’s actually interesting. Not the usual fare.

Anyway, the different types of sharks have all banded together into one school and are led by a giant shark that has the ability to control the others. This army of sharks is heading for Salvation (population 436 – see what a better town name can do for you?), and the scientists, Bea and Barrick head over there to warn them, and to get some parts they need for their rocket. The folks at Salvation are eager to fight the sharks, and get ready for the battle with a tribal dance that probably attracts them. And what’s great is that these folks do actually kill a lot of the sharks at first. They’re not amateurs. There’s a reason these people are still alive. But the sharks are just too numerous, and overwhelm them. Salvation is now population 1, just Moffat, who escapes with Barrick, Bea and the scientists.

The plan is to draw the sharks into a volcano and then use science to make it erupt. But even if that works, they still have to get the rocket off in time. Yes, it’s all a bit silly, but I totally got caught up in it. The actors seem invested, and that helps us accept the film’s reality. But what’s up with Bea hiding in a cage when the sharks come to attack the research facility? All that girl does is hide, and both times someone else has to point out the hiding spot for her. How is she still alive? Anyway, guess what is now above water at the end of the movie?

5-Headed Shark Attack (2017)

Here’s how little faith they had in 5-Headed Shark Attack. In its initial DVD release, it’s put in a package with two other bad shark movies (okay, I’m only assuming they’re bad, as I haven’t yet watched them). But, hey, three bad shark movies are better than one, I always say. Anyway, it’s the third installment in an absolutely ridiculous series, following 2-Headed Shark Attack and 3 Headed Shark Attack (what happened to 4-Headed Shark Attack, you ask? Well, keep reading). By the way, in the opening title sequence it’s called 5 Headed Shark Attack, but in the closing credits and on the DVD box it’s listed as 5-Headed Shark Attack.

This one takes place on Palomino Island in Puerto Rico. And don’t worry if you haven’t seen the first two films in the series. This one really has nothing to do with the others, except that at one point a character says she’s heard of two and three-headed sharks (she also makes a reference to Sharknado). Anyway, when the film opens, some girls are trying to act sexy on a boat for a photographer. A shark with just one head is in the water nearby. Hey, what kind of threat does that fish pose? None at all, because it’s soon dispatched by a shark with four heads. Yes, four heads, not five. Four heads demand a lot of food, and sexy girls and a photographer make a good snack.

Police find the photographer’s digital camera, which has some last-moment shots of the four shark heads, and they decide to take it to a marine biologist at the local aquarium. Uh-oh, the props person must have lost the camera (or perhaps had to return it to the store), because in the next scene the camera has magically become a phone. The police officer says, “I found this camera on the boat,” and hands Dr. Yost the phone. The head of the aquarium sees this as an opportunity to save his business, and decides to assemble a team of interns to catch and exhibit the shark. This four-headed shark doesn’t like to be photographed, because not only did it eat that photographer, but it eats the team’s underwater camera.

The team loses one intern to the shark, but interns are easy to replace, so the group continues its hunt after a little pep talk by the leader, who suggests they name the shark after the dead intern. Sean The Four-Headed Shark doesn’t sound so fierce. Sounds like a roommate who might misplace your favorite Devo record, but not someone who will kill you and all your friends. Anyway, the team employs the help of a professional shark hunter who apparently used to pee on Dr. Yost. He tells the team leader he’s into watersports, then shares a knowing look with her. And they all go off to hunt the shark.

Cait, one of the remaining interns, is feeling down, however. A guy asks her, “Are you all right?” She replies, “I can’t sleep.” Well, it’s mid-afternoon and you’re on a shark hunt. Should you really be choosing this time to take a nap? Soon the shark takes another intern, Lindsay, who turns out to be Cait’s best friend. This does not help Cait’s mood. But when the guy hands her a bucket of chum, she gets back in the spirit of things.

Halfway through, this film becomes a little less believable. The shark’s tail suddenly becomes a fifth head. Now obviously this is going to cause problems for the shark, as this one head will want to travel in the opposite direction as the other four. Plus, it must be hard to swim without a caudal fin. How will it manage? The aquarium has an even bigger problem. Their insurance might not cover two dead interns. One, sure, no problem. But two? There is a suspenseful scene where the team leader is on the phone discussing the problem. Is the answer to go back into the water and endanger the final two interns? Absolutely!

But if you think this movie is all about people getting eaten by a silly-looking mutant shark, think again. This movie is not without substance. It has an important environmental message, about how plastic has altered and endangered our ecosystem. And for good measure, the film mentions global warming, the receding coral reef and the dwindling number of manatees. So there.