Cyclone (1987)

Oh boy, Cyclone is another truly terrible film. You know it's awful when Heather Thomas turns in one of film's best performances. I found myself longing for Heather to return to the screen so we could get back to some better acting.

So what is it about? A special motorcycle that has a transformer that converts hydrogen into power. Also, the motorcycle has rockets and other weapons attached to it for some reason. Oh, and the motorcycle helmet has the ability to destroy telephone books. Very cool.

The motorcycle is the special project of Heather's boyfriend. But when she takes him to a punk club - and really, is that a punk club? With white polished floors? Heather has a line of dialogue about them needing to get there early because they made reservations, and this band "really packs them in." Reservations at a punk club? And the band is awful. And as far as packing them in, there are maybe twenty extras -- but anyway, when she takes him to the punk club, he's killed. So it's up to her to use the motorcycle. And she can't trust anyone.

So what's good about it? Well, Heather Thomas is in it. I had two posters of her on my bedroom walls when i was a teenager, and it's still fun to look at her. Though the costume designer put her into some terrible clothes. Martin Landau is in it too, but i just felt embarrassed for him (though this movie is bloody Oscar material compared to B.A.P.s, another film he agreed to appear in for some reason).

And the movie has the line, "I love it when you fuck up Einstein." This is during some strange nerd love ritual.

The rest is garbage, but it's fun garbage. The tone is all over the place. Sometimes it tries to be an over-the-top comedy, like all the scenes with the two bumbling detectives who are staked outside Heather's house, but who fall asleep (when they are woken, one says, "What was that?" and the other replies, "Loud noise"). Other times it tries to be an intense action film. It fails at both, but whatever.

13 Seconds

This is another truly terrible film. The plot, as far as i can tell, is a band called Night Gallery goes to an old silent movie theatre to record an album. But instead of doing any recording, or even rehearsing, the band members, the sound guys, and their girlfriends wander around in the dark and do drugs and say stupid things that the writer makes them say. And then maybe there are ghosts or something. Something strange in an art gallery. Why is there an art gallery? They also mention something about students taking classes there. At the silent movie theatre? Or did the writer forget that he had a character say it was a silent movie theatre? Who knows? There's a library too.

This film has the worst dialogue. Here's a scene for you:

Moron #1 walks downstairs, where Moron #2 is standing in the dark.
MORON #2: "What's up?"
MORON #1: "Not much. Hey, what's going on?"
MORON #2: "Wish I knew."

Cut to shot of full moon.

Here is some more from a little later:

MORON #1: "Hey, have I ever told you about this re-occurring dream I have? Now that scares the hell out of me." (Yes, he says "re-occurring," not "recurring.")
MORON #2: "You've had this more than once?"
MORON #1: "This is serious. This is something I can't outgrow."

Okay, one last bit of dialogue:
KARA: (sadly) "Colin, how many times have the rules been reversed?"
COLIN: "That's not important. What's important for me is going back to my room and getting drunk."
KARA: "You ever do something for so long you forget why you do it?"
End of scene.

This movie has some creepy imagery, but it doesn't matter. Not one of the characters is the least bit interesting or compelling, and no one in the film has even the smallest amount of acting ability. It also seems like all the dialogue was recorded later, and the actors were just reading from the script.
Also, we don't know where anybody is. We have no idea of the layout of the place - especially as there is almost no lighting. So no scene seems connected to any other. No character seems connected to any other. No room seems connected to any other. So while there is some slightly amusing gore, the shots that should be scary are not, because they don't seem connected to anything.
This film is a complete mess. It tries to add an explanation at the end, but by the end i had checked out completely, and didn't care. And if i had cared, i probably would have been really annoyed, because the explanation is one of those that sort of negates everything that's happened anyway. I don't recommend this one to anyone at all.