Halloween: Resurrection (2002)

Halloween: Resurrection is the eighth movie in the Halloween series. At the end of the seventh film, Halloween H20: 20 Years Later (the dumbest title in the series, but the second best film), Laurie Strode (Jamie Lee Curtis) beheaded Michael Myers. And now three years later she’s in a sanitarium, in lock-down. Because guess what? She killed the wrong person. Michael Myers had done a little switcheroo, and took the place of a paramedic, changing clothes with him while no one was looking. Sneaky little bastard. So Laurie killed the paramedic, not Michael. And now she hasn’t said a word in three years. What she does is hide her medication and look out the window. What she sees out there is Michael Myers.

Yes, Michael is back, and on the sanitarium grounds. Somehow he got his mask back (it was on the decapitated head of the paramedic). Or did he purchase another, identical one? He also bought an identical mechanic’s suit (the paramedic was wearing his when he got beheaded). Why is he so particular about his clothing? What a weirdo.

Anyway, he kills two guards, putting the head of one into a washing machine for some reason. Then he breaks through the door to Laurie’s room, but she’s ready for him. Well, ready or not, Michael gets her this time. Yup, Laurie Strode falls to her death after being stabbed (and after saying, “I’ll see you in hell” – not the best final words ever spoken). Michael then hands the bloody knife to an inmate who is fascinated by serial killers and who is wearing a clown mask like Michael himself wore when he was a child. The inmate lists Michael’s credits from the first two Halloween film and from H20: 20 Years Later. (So, what, those people killed in parts 4, 5, and 6 don’t count? I bet they’d be unhappy to know that.)

Okay, so now that he’s killed Laurie, who is Michael going after? I would think Laurie’s son from the seventh film. Or perhaps that baby from the sixth movie that he was so keen on killing. But no.

We’re introduced to Sara, a student at Haddonfield University. Wow, the little town must have really grown in the last few years. She and two friends, along with three other people, are chosen to be members of “the Dangertainment team” – some reality internet show where they have to spend the night in Michael Myers’ house. But first Sara sends an email to some high school kid who has offered her tech support in the past. I’ve said it before, and I’ll keep saying it: There is nothing more boring to see in a film than someone typing an email or text message, or someone receiving an email or text message.

For some reason, after the six have been chosen, they do on-camera auditions. Doesn’t really make sense. And the guy in charge of this internet program, Freddie (played by Trevor Taheim Smith, Jr., who goes by the incredibly stupid name Busta Rhymes, and can’t act worth a damn), is totally obnoxious. So then Sara and her female friend go shopping for clothes to wear on the show. In the mirror at the store, Sara sees Michael Myers. But he’s not there.

Then we see the high school boy again, along with his friend. The main boy, Myles, is going to watch the internet show, but the other one is upset because they’re supposed to go to a big party that night. He says: “Do you have any idea what it means for two freshmen to get invited? It’s like never happened before.” Who cares?

The Myers house is really run-down, which is odd, as a family had been living in it for a while, until they were killed by Michael in part 6, The Curse Of Michael Myers (which wasn’t that long before this film). When that family was gone, did the new owners decide to restore the house to its former dilapidated look? Anyway, a guy is in there, setting up cameras, and of course Michael Myers has returned and picks up one of the cameras. When did he become interested in internet programming? There is clearly a lot we don’t know about this guy. We tend to focus just on the killings, and not on his other interests. Speaking of killing, why isn’t he hunting down Laurie’s son? Or that baby? Well, Michael films his point of view while killing this other guy. It’s really stupid. More stupid is Freddie telling reporters that no one will be allowed to leave the house until the show is over.

So basically six people we don’t give a fuck about are going to spend the night in Michael Myers’ house. Could things be any easier for Michael Myers? He doesn’t even have to leave home to get a good night’s killing in. And each of the six being equipped with a camera means we get lots of crappy, shaky, fuzzy footage. Great.

The six people talk about how it’s not a house you’d put on the market. Except that it was on the market. In fact, there was an entire scene about it being on the market in the sixth film. And the family that moved in were some of the main characters of that film. By the way, does the film crew have any right to be in this house?

One of the guys finds a big knife in a kitchen drawer. They also find a baby’s high chair with a chain on it. Come on! What is Michael waiting for? Kill these fucking people already.

But instead, holy hell, the movie cuts back to the high school boys at the party. Every time I manage to forget about those characters, the film irritatingly reminds me of their existence. There are a couple of great big furry coats in that party scene, which I appreciate. The boys are dressed as characters from Pulp Fiction. I hope Quentin Tarantino was paid for that. By the way, the two in the furry coats are simultaneously upstairs and downstairs. Good for them.  Myles sneaks into another room to watch the internet show on someone’s computer. And soon everyone at the party is in the room with Myles watching the internet show. Some party. Myles explains to the others: “See, they’re looking for clues – you know, something that might explain while Michael Myers went bad.” Yes, thank you. It’s a good idea to explain what’s going on in the movie every few minutes.

One thing I do like is that the film has one character explain to another the difference between the words “continuous” and “continual.” A lot of people think those words are synonymous, so I appreciate the effort this film makes to correct that.

On the other hand, I hate all of the video camera footage. You can’t really see anything. It’s annoying, not at all scary. After the group finds an old coloring book, one of them intelligently points out that it’s not right that all that stuff is still there. Instead of telling the other characters, he should have said that to the writers. Well, two of them find a secret cellar or something with a chain harness, and so they surmise that Michael was kept down there. No. He wasn’t. Watch the original film. Michael was a normal kid who snapped. His parents were not abusing him. (For bullshit like that, watch Rob Zombie’s piece-of-shit remake.) But of course anything these people find in the house could have been planted by the dipshits in charge of the internet show, and it turns out that at least some of it is.

One good thing is that Freddie dresses as Michael Myers to scare the six people in the house and boost the show’s ratings, so that once they realize that, their guard is then down, which of course gets them in trouble. The problem remains, however, that we don’t care at all about these people. Perhaps in a way this movie is attempting a critique of idiots who watch so-called “reality television.” Or perhaps I’m giving the filmmakers too much credit.

And guess how Sara stays alive? Myles sends her text messages from the party letting her know where Michael is, based on the information he gets from the various cameras still running in the house. Geez, that’s really terrifying. Text messages. Thanks, movie. There is nothing more exciting than watching someone frantically type. Then Sara finds a chainsaw (really?) and attacks Michael, saying, “This is for…” and naming the other characters. Ugh. Freddie, who was stabbed, is still alive and shouts, “Trick or treat, motherfucker!” Seriously. Anyway, the house burns down, but fire didn’t kill Michael Myers in the second film. So guess what.