Friday, August 31, 2012

Blonde And Blonder (2008)

Okay, the first problem with Blonde And Blonder is the title. "Blonde" with an "e" is a noun. "Blond" is an adjective.  That was a problem with Legally Blonde also, as adverbs don't modify nouns, and it would have been funnier anyway if it had been "Blond" because it's only one letter away from "Blind" rather than two.

But from Blonde And Blonder's opening animated sequence, it's clear that this is a movie that does not take itself seriously, and that's a good thing.  The film stars Pamela Anderson as Dee and Denise Richards as Dawn, two incredibly stupid blondes who decide to take flying lessons and end up being mistaken for assassins.

They both get in a plane, each thinking the other is the instructor. And off they go, the real instructor running behind them. They soon realize their mistake, of course, and we get that obligatory shot of them screaming. Then they crash the plane on a golf course, interrupting a game, which I appreciate. An announcer for the golf tournament has the horrible line, "An airplane has just made a hole in one."  And there is a Close Encounters Of The Third Kind reference, and then a pretty good lawyer joke.  The two blondes immediately become best friends, and it turns out they live next to each other. One of them has a flatulent turtle (which is not funny - fart jokes are so rarely funny that it's retarded to even attempt them).

The film spends a lot of time setting these two up as idiots. Some of it is funny. Such as this line from Dawn: "My dream is to marry the man of my dreams." And this line from Dee: "You have beauty and looks - you can't lose."  But they're not only stupid; they're also untalented.  They decide to become dancers (it's part of Dee's dream), though neither can execute the simplest of dance steps.

Meanwhile the mafia decide to get at someone in the witness protection program. They decide to hire a mysterious female assassin known as Cat. We're introduced to Cat, as well as her apprentice, Kit (they have darker hair, of course). We're also introduced to some male mafia members, and some agents.  A major problem with this film is that a large number of its characters are complete imbeciles - not just the two blondes.  The agents assigned to protect the guy in the witness protection program are idiots.  The two mafia guys are idiots.  So it's basically a world of idiots. So the blondes don't necessarily stand out. It would be much better if everyone else were intelligent.

Anyway, Cat kills the guy in the witness protection program - a guy who runs a club, where Dawn and Dee have an audition. So they audition for the dead guy (who blinks several times). And then everyone thinks that they are the female assassins, and they're hired to kill Mr. Wong.  This of course angers the real assassins, that someone is pretending to be them and taking their jobs.

There is a lot of awful, awful dialogue about a full bladder and other irrelevant stuff.  (The Guess Jeans joke is something I used to do in the early nineties when I was working in child care.)  Pamela Anderson wears a fake fur stole, which is absurd.  But there are several truly funny moments, like when the apprentice assassin kills a guy in the loo.  And clearly Denise and Pamela (as well as most of the rest of the cast) are having fun with this film.  It's totally harmless, and it all wraps up fairly quickly.

Blonde And Blonder was directed by Dean Hamilton. It stars Pamela Anderson, Denise Richards, Emmanuelle Vaugier, Kevin Farley, John Farley and Byron Mann.

Saturday, August 25, 2012

Dirty Deeds (2005)

Dirty Deeds is an absolutely terrible film about a high school that has some tradition called Dirty Deeds, which is a series of tasks that have to be completed the night before Homecoming.  It's something that's not accomplished every year, or even attempted, and apparently anyone can decide to do it. But it's not a competition -  only one person can try it each year.  Like most high school movies, it's full of people in their twenties and thirties. And some of them have pick-up trucks with pointlessly large tires - that means they're assholes and idiots. (By the way, if you have a truck with pointlessly large tires, you're an asshole and an idiot too.)

Anyway, Meg (Lacey Chabert) arrives at school and is told she might be valedictorian (though isn't Homecoming at the beginning of the year?), and her brother Kyle says, "Valedictorian? What does that mean?"  Is he really that stupid, or do the writers of this film believe their viewers are that stupid? Or both?

Well, Kyle and some of his friends painted over the index finger on a poster of the school mascot, so only the middle finger is up.  And everyone is stunned.  Big fucking deal.  Cops actually come to the school, though not about that, but rather to talk to the jocks about keeping people from doing the Dirty Deeds. They seem incredibly concerned that someone might attempt the challenges this year.

Zach (Milo Ventimiglia) is brought to the principal's office regarding the sign's vandalism. Meg tells him to stay away from her brother, Kyle, because she doesn't want him getting into trouble.

This movie starts off so horribly, and then sinks lower with fart jokes. Seriously. Fart jokes.  And awful actors doing even worse dialogue. Because every once in a while the writers want to remind you about the dirty deeds challenge, you know, so you don't forget and think there might actually be a better plot coming. One awful young actor says, "I heard that there's ten of them, and they, like, get harder as you go on." Wow, thanks for that information. A worse actor adds, "I heard one year a freshman lost his ball sack trying to do the deeds."  The deeds are all everyone is talking about, even the goth kids.  There is a mysterious character named Duncan Rime, who did the deeds fifteen years ago and then died or disappeared.

Well, Kyle gets picked on by the jocks, so he decides to stand up to them and volunteers to do the deeds.  Meg complains to Zach about this, telling him to get Kyle out of it. So Zach instead offers to do the deeds.  And that is the plot, such as it is.  The jock has a key to a locker where the cards listing the deeds are kept. How did he get this key? And when did he get this key? If he had it, wouldn't he have looked at the list before? Just one more stupid thing in this insanely insipid film. I can't believe it took two people to write this.

And why would Zach trust that the jock wouldn't write his own more fucked up list of deeds? If that list is so easy to access, why are there only rumors surrounding it?  On top of that, we're introduced to a strange homeless guy. Oooh, will it turn out to be Duncan Rime?  Of course. And if that comes as a surprise to you, check to see how large the tires are on your truck.

Another problem is that although the students seem to have no idea of the specifics of any of the deeds (though this is an event that's been done for decades), all of the adults do. In fact, even the guy who works in the grocery story recognizes the deeds in action. So if he knows what they are, certainly the cops would also. So the cops could stake out one or two of the places easily, and put a stop to it early on.  But that doesn't occur to them.  Because they, like everyone else in this film, are imbeciles.

Deed #9 is to find Duncan Rime. This leads to another problem with the script. Every time someone completes the deeds, he or she adds to the list. So Duncan did all eight deeds, and added the ninth. But there are ten deeds. So whoever added the tenth already found him. So where's the mystery? Or did Duncan add two deeds to the list?

So, anyway, when Zach is given the ninth deed, everyone figures that's the end. Because no one has heard from Duncan Rime in years. A moment later Duncan Rime walks in and announces himself to be Duncan Rime.  He then gives a life lesson to those around him. He says that when he was in high school he was the most popular kid, had a great car, had a beautiful girlfriend.  But then he realized the pointlessness of all of this, of the deeds and so on.  And he asks Zach what he's doing with all this?  So then Zach rips up the tenth deed and tosses the pieces of the card at the jock, as if he's just suddenly had an epiphany.  But he didn't really learn a lesson; Duncan announced the lesson. Zach merely followed what Duncan was telling him to do.

And what's the deal with Duncan anyway? He did the pointless Dirty Deeds challenge, then realized it was pointless, and as a result became homeless?  And for the last couple of decades he's been walking around with this nugget of advice, but not telling it to anyone?

The only way to make the film more annoying is to add a lot of shitty music, so that is just what they do. It must have been a lot of work to dig up such a large number of truly terrible songs.  Every single song in this film is awful.

Special thanks are given in the credits to Tom Glavine, Mike Piazza, Kevin Millar and several other baseball players. Why? Well, Todd Zeile and Jason Giambi are the film's executive producers, so maybe players helped out financially.  I don't know.  But Duncan Rime is played by Todd Zeile. Suffice it to say he was a much better baseball player than he is an actor.

So what's good? Halfway through the film, Charles Durning shows up. He's given stupid shit to do, but his presence is appreciated (as always). And that's it - that's the only good thing in the entire film.

This is the most pointless film I've ever seen. If teenagers are anything like those portrayed in this film, they all should be set on fire.  Dirty Deeds was written by Jon Land and Jonathan Thies. It was directed by David Kendall.  If you get the chance to meet any of them, please punch them in the face for me. Thanks.

Wednesday, August 22, 2012

Bachelor Party 2: The Last Temptation (2008)

I bet if this had been called Bachelor Party 2: The Last Temptation Of Christ, it would have been a fantastic movie.  Someone should make that. But as for Bachelor Party 2: The Last Temptation... Well, the good news is that this "sequel" doesn't have Tom Hanks. For that, we must all be grateful. The bad news is that the transvestite is also not in it. Actually, I don't think any of the original characters return.  The writers are back, but none of their characters could make it.

This movie starts with that awful scene where a guy is going to ask a girl to marry him in a restaurant, but the waiter puts the ring in the wrong dessert, and it ends up with some black woman who refuses to give it back because she's excited at the prospect of getting married. Give me a break. When Ron takes it off her finger, she attacks him. And somehow he and his girlfriend, Melinda, get arrested as a result, which makes no sense.

There are awful dirty diaper jokes early on. And every married couple we see is one shade or other of horrible. 

Todd, Melinda's sister's husband, is jealous because Melinda's father takes a shine to Ron. So it's Todd who has the bachelor party idea with the plan to get Ron in trouble so that the wedding will be called off. He also sets a spy on Ron to uncover some dirt. Todd wants to be next in line in the family company.  It's more than a bit ridiculous.  And there are plenty of bad scenes as a result.

There is a long, boring golf montage (even with the nudity, it's boring).  For some reason there is a dance contest, a lame hot tub joke that goes on and on, and other pointless nonsense that makes this 84-minute movie a 104-minute movie.

But there are good things about this film. First off, Sara Foster, the girl who plays Melinda, is beautiful (and also a decent actor).  Also, in the hotel is a Sex Addicts Anonymous party. Two of the guys think SAA stands for Sales Association of America, and that actually leads to some pretty funny dialogue as they try to pick up two girls. (Betty, the girl one picks up, is cute, by the way.)  And there are some other funny lines, even if they're not completely original. Like Harland Williams says of women: "They pretend they like sports the same way we pretend we like talking to them. The only sports you're going to get when you're married is Little League T-Ball. And I've seen that stuff, and trust me, Ron, most of those kids really fucking suck."

And, okay, I love the Nazi stuff.

Bachelor Party 2: The Last Temptation stars Josh Cooke, Sara Foster, Warren Christie and Harland Williams.  It was directed by James Ryan.  This was his first movie. He was twelve years old.