Friday, August 31, 2012

Blonde And Blonder (2008)

Okay, the first problem with Blonde And Blonder is the title. "Blonde" with an "e" is a noun. "Blond" is an adjective.  That was a problem with Legally Blonde also, as adverbs don't modify nouns, and it would have been funnier anyway if it had been "Blond" because it's only one letter away from "Blind" rather than two.

But from Blonde And Blonder's opening animated sequence, it's clear that this is a movie that does not take itself seriously, and that's a good thing.  The film stars Pamela Anderson as Dee and Denise Richards as Dawn, two incredibly stupid blondes who decide to take flying lessons and end up being mistaken for assassins.

They both get in a plane, each thinking the other is the instructor. And off they go, the real instructor running behind them. They soon realize their mistake, of course, and we get that obligatory shot of them screaming. Then they crash the plane on a golf course, interrupting a game, which I appreciate. An announcer for the golf tournament has the horrible line, "An airplane has just made a hole in one."  And there is a Close Encounters Of The Third Kind reference, and then a pretty good lawyer joke.  The two blondes immediately become best friends, and it turns out they live next to each other. One of them has a flatulent turtle (which is not funny - fart jokes are so rarely funny that it's retarded to even attempt them).

The film spends a lot of time setting these two up as idiots. Some of it is funny. Such as this line from Dawn: "My dream is to marry the man of my dreams." And this line from Dee: "You have beauty and looks - you can't lose."  But they're not only stupid; they're also untalented.  They decide to become dancers (it's part of Dee's dream), though neither can execute the simplest of dance steps.

Meanwhile the mafia decide to get at someone in the witness protection program. They decide to hire a mysterious female assassin known as Cat. We're introduced to Cat, as well as her apprentice, Kit (they have darker hair, of course). We're also introduced to some male mafia members, and some agents.  A major problem with this film is that a large number of its characters are complete imbeciles - not just the two blondes.  The agents assigned to protect the guy in the witness protection program are idiots.  The two mafia guys are idiots.  So it's basically a world of idiots. So the blondes don't necessarily stand out. It would be much better if everyone else were intelligent.

Anyway, Cat kills the guy in the witness protection program - a guy who runs a club, where Dawn and Dee have an audition. So they audition for the dead guy (who blinks several times). And then everyone thinks that they are the female assassins, and they're hired to kill Mr. Wong.  This of course angers the real assassins, that someone is pretending to be them and taking their jobs.

There is a lot of awful, awful dialogue about a full bladder and other irrelevant stuff.  (The Guess Jeans joke is something I used to do in the early nineties when I was working in child care.)  Pamela Anderson wears a fake fur stole, which is absurd.  But there are several truly funny moments, like when the apprentice assassin kills a guy in the loo.  And clearly Denise and Pamela (as well as most of the rest of the cast) are having fun with this film.  It's totally harmless, and it all wraps up fairly quickly.

Blonde And Blonder was directed by Dean Hamilton. It stars Pamela Anderson, Denise Richards, Emmanuelle Vaugier, Kevin Farley, John Farley and Byron Mann.

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