The film begins with the
opening shot from Star Wars, though
this Star Destroyer isn’t chasing any Blockade Runner. Voice over tells us that
this spaceship, named Zanon, has a mission to “take Earth under its control.”
Meanwhile crazy Japanese
girls respond to noises that only they hear by grabbing their right earlobes
and changing into their superhero outfits and flying up into the air. One of
them, however, gets into her van (which, by the way, has pictures of cats on
roller skates on the side), and it goes up into the air after turning into an
orange splotch. All the girls meet in the splotch, where they hear a
transmission aimed at the people of Earth. This guy knows there are space women
there. So the three chicks change back into their street clothes to avoid
detection.
Another space woman,
Giruge, comes down from Spaceship Zanon. (Okay, we’re only like eight minutes
into the movie, and it’s already completely off the rails.) Her orders are to “eliminate anyone and anything that may
hinder our efforts here.” Pretty vague, but okay. She interprets the order
as a call to electrocute a guy who asks her on a date.
Meanwhile three retarded
boys go to a park in search of a character from a comic book one of them owns.
They even have their own little retarded boy theme music. But when they find
the guy they’re looking for, he tells them comic books are fiction. Speaking of
retards, whoever wrote the subtitles doesn’t understand the difference between
“hear” and “here.”
At this point the
filmmakers apparently ran out of funding for the movie and were forced to start
using footage from earlier Gamera films, like the terrible shot of the
helicopter splitting in two, and then that beam splitting some cheap models of
fighter planes into pieces. And that bat-like creature creating wind with its
wings. This old footage is broken up by a shot of the main retarded boy singing
Gamera’s new theme song to a turtle he was given by one of the space women. At
his mother’s urging, however, he sets the turtle free in the river. He goes and
plays the theme song for the space women. This is the third time we’ve heard
this song in the first twenty-four minutes of the film, and I’m starting to
enjoy it less.
Well, the spaceship Zanon
can only find the space women when they have their superhero outfits on. Normal
clothing confuses the spaceship. But for some reason they keep wanting to
change into their superhero outfits anyway. Oh, girls love to play dress-up. It’s
fun!
Gamera arrives, and the
retarded boy believes it is his pet turtle that has changed into Gamera. The
three space women think so too. Good thing the Earth isn’t relying on them to
save it from the old monster footage! Speaking of old monster footage, we then
get another scene from the third Gamera film where three guys in a red car
pretend the car is moving while some crew members shake it, and that monster
splits the car in half with its light beam. Gamera arrives to fight the
monster. It’s the same footage used before, but now it’s set to disco music. So
it’s improved!
Gamera defeats the
monster exactly the same way he did in the third movie. But don’t worry, there’s
plenty of footage from the other films to fill the ninety-two minutes of this
piece of shit. Next up: Gamera Vs. Zigra,
the seventh film (and the one I had considered the worst of the series until I
saw this one). The retarded boy is at first frightened of the old footage, but
the evil space woman tells him it will be all right. But is it all right to
just take footage from several other movies and pass it off as a new movie? Is
that entertainment? Well, I guess it’s fun to watch Gamera dance again.
This film then uses
footage from Gamera Vs. Viras, the
fourth movie in the series. So let’s see. They decided to make a new Gamera
movie, and they started by created a new theme song for it, and then… Then I
guess they considered their job finished.
There is more trouble
with the subtitles. One space woman asks the others, “Have you both gotten your days om of work?” What does that mean?
She also says, “Things are really
happening fast.” Are they? Is she talking about some other film? And then
she says, “Soon we’ll have to show
yourselves.” Did she mean, “Soon we’ll
have to show ourselves”? Or, “Soon
you’ll have to show yourselves”? The second would be interesting, if she’s
planning on sacrificing the other two in order to save herself.
Well, the retarded boy
keeps the three good space women in a little case and takes them to the pet
store. And the bad space woman proceeds to attack Earth with footage from Gamera Vs. Jiger. The three space women
and the retarded boy watch the footage on a television screen, a way for the
film to admit it’s reusing old footage. But then we’re forced to watch the
television screen as well, which becomes redundant to such a degree that my
brain begins to hurt. And… well, there’s more, but who cares? We’ve seen it all
before.
Here's a question: Why
didn’t the aliens just use their giant spaceship’s weapons to destroy Japan
rather than sending one chick down there to control some old footage of
monsters destroying Japan?
The
good space women turn the bad space woman good, and then the retarded boy’s
mother says that since the boy likes her she’s welcome to stay at their house
as long as she wants to. But she wouldn’t let him keep a pet turtle? And at the
end Gamera goes to fight the Star Destroyer, but the filmmakers apparently didn’t
have enough money to actually shoot that scene and couldn’t find any similar
footage in any of the earlier films. So there’s no battle scene. Instead the
space women take the retarded boy flying over the city, like Superman took Lois
Lane. Clearly, they have romantic feelings for him.
The end.
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