Tuesday, February 28, 2012
Skeleton Man (2004)
This is really the worst of the worst. This movie is so boring. There is absolutely no story whatsoever. I swear, there was no script. It's just a guy in a cheap skull mask and an even cheaper black cape killing people, most of whom we're not introduced to until they're killed. Sometimes Skeleton Man is on foot; sometimes he's on a horse. That's really it. And it's all in daylight in the woods, so every shot looks like every other. This movie could have been five minutes, and it still would have been too long.
A military team led by Michael Rooker is out looking for some army guys who have gone missing. We get that horrible scene where the team members introduce themselves to each other. But it happens when they're already out in the field. Didn't they meet earlier when the team assembled back in civilization? Wouldn't that have been the time for introductions? Or during the ride in whatever vehicle took them to the woods? In addition, as each person introduces himself or herself, his or her name appears on the screen, with the sound effect of a typewriter typing the name. As if this is really important information (it's not).
They're in the middle of the woods. They go to great pains to explain this is the middle of nowhere, miles from civilization. But suddenly there is a scene where a guy walks out of the woods and steals a truck, and then the truck explodes. Then back to the woods. No explanation.
The group finds two people. One of the men pulls an ID from one of the people and then announces, "Deer poachers." Wait, what, does it say "deer poacher" on his driver's license? Or did he have a special Deer Poacher business card made up? It doesn't matter. Skeleton Man kills both of them a moment later.
This movie is a complete pile of shit. I've never been less involved in a film than this one, never been less interested in what might happen. And it's so poorly shot and edited. Like we see the group from the killer's perspective, and the shot is above them, from a distance. As if the killer is in a tall tree. Then we get a reverse shot of the killer, and he's on the flattest ground imaginable. Nothing cuts together. A guy is fishing (even though we're in the middle of nowhere, some guy has come out here to fish), and he's seated at the top of a waterfall. He must have a very long line. Anyway, he's attacked from the front - so the weapon must have come from somewhere above the water. But again, in the reverse shot, Skeleton Man is on his horse in the woods. Were the filmmakers even trying?
I just have one question: Why, Michael Rooker? Why? Why? Why? What dirt did the director have on him to get him to sign onto this piece of shit? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why?
Dear Frederick Bailey, so-called writer of Skeleton Man, if I ever meet you, I am going to smack you across the face. And you know you deserve it. In fact, if you're reading this (if you're able to read), please go ahead and smack yourself. Hard. And again. Also, Johnny Martin, director of Skeleton Man, you deserve to be beaten and humiliated in front of everyone you've ever known. Actually, you should be forced to eat every copy of this DVD.
Everyone should avoid this movie. There is nothing good about it. Nothing.