Thursday, May 19, 2011

Surf Ninjas (1993)

I've done a lot of research, and i discovered the true story of how Surf Ninjas came to be made. A well known and very serious writer - who i can't name here, for fear of a lawsuit - was at work on a depressing drama, and needed a break. So he set aside his very serious script for approximately forty-five minutes, and wrote all of the dumbest jokes and most preposterous scenarios he could think of - just to get them out of his system. When he was finished, he wrote, "Surf Ninjas" at the top of the first page and signed it. Then he set it aside, and finished his very serious drama (which won him an Oscar).

Anyway, a little later his house was broken into and the script for "Surf Ninjas" was stolen. Recognizing the writer's name, the thieves started shopping the script around. Because the writer had won an Academy Award, the project was greenlit without any studio executives actually reading the script.

Of course, the very serious writer, when learning that his joke was actually being filmed, got very upset and demanded that his name be removed from the script. Enter Dan Gordon, the credited writer. At this point in his career, Dan Gordon had two addictions: coconut juice and angry hairy midgets. Using these two points, and a tank of nitrous oxide, the executives were able to persuade Dan to attach his name to the script. Then they needed a director.

It had been nearly ten years since Bachelor Party, and Neal Israel wanted another comedic hit. When he was handed the script for Surf Ninjas, he knew right away that this wasn't it. But the producers promised him that if he agreed to direct it, they'd include one of his shitty songs in the film's soundtrack. Neal agreed, and though one of his shitty songs is included in the film, it didn't make it onto the actual soundtrack album. But by then Neal Israel was in a heroin-induced coma and didn't care.

So, anyway, what's good about Surf Ninjas? The thirty-year-old Rob Schneider playing a high school kid? No. The music? Absolutely not. In fact there is very little that isn't just plain god-awful in this film. Almost nothing. The movie is 87 minutes long, and if you took all the bits that didn't completely suck and put them together you'd have a one minute thirty-two second film. And even that wouldn't be all that great.

But this movie has something that i've never seen in any other film. This movie has a child riding a black man down the side of a mountain as if he were a sled. It's worth watching just for that moment.

Be sure to have plenty of alcohol before attempting to make your way through this film. It starts off as one of the worst movies ever made, and only goes downhill from there. (Downhill on a black man, however, so there's that.)