Doll Shark (2022)

I have a weakness for shark movies. And there are a lot of them out there. While there are a few good ones (Jaws, obviously, and Open Water, The Shallows, The Reef) and some incredibly enjoyable ones (The Meg, Sharknado, Mega Shark Vs. Giant Octopus), most of them are just bad. But I still love them. Well, most of them. Doll Shark has a few good things going for it, but it is undeniably a bad movie. It begins with a man determined to hunt some special shark. Does he do this in a boat? Nope. He stands on what seems to be a pier, and just leans down and spears the shark, all while the worst rain effect ever seen in a movie plays over the image. Seriously, what the fuck is up with that rain effect? Anyway, the guy takes a tooth from the shark, then purchases a plush shark toy for his son, and shoves the tooth inside it for some reason. I guess it is to make the toy a little more dangerous. But what it does is… I don’t know... makes the spirit of the shark inhabit the toy? Something like that.

The boy is excited to have the toy. His favorite television program is a shark show that apparently plays constantly on some bizarre network. The show, however, seems to be only fifteen or twenty seconds long, because every time he starts to watch it, it is the same short sequence that he sees. It’s a sequence which we would think would be the show’s introduction, but seems to be the entire fucking show. Very strange. Although finally at one point later in the film, we see a clown, which might be part of that show. A clown whose script is in front of him and slightly to his right. Just watch his eyes. What the boy is not excited about is his babysitter. Now, look, if you write a part for a 17-year-old and you can’t find a 17-year-old, it might be best to rewrite the part. But that is not what the makers of this film did. They just went ahead with a woman who is clearly forty playing the part as written. That’s right, a 40-year-old babysitter. A 40-year-old babysitter who hates children and is using the babysitting opportunity to invite her friend and some boys over. I’m not kidding. And this isn’t a one-time thing. This woman is the kid’s regular babysitter. So this is her fucking job. Babysitting. She’s forty.

She does have a car, so maybe she charges a lot for her services. She is the only character in the entire movie who has a car, so I guess everyone else in this town is even more of a loser than she is. (The mother’s boyfriend has a car, but he’s only there for a moment and I don’t recall him having any lines.) Well, this babysitter makes fun of the child she’s babysitting, even takes his plush toy and puts it on top of the trash bin (not in it, just sets it on top of it), and even drugs him to make him sleep though a good portion of the film. You might want to also sleep through a good portion of it. I couldn’t fault you for that. Anyway, the plush shark comes alive and first kills a couple of neighbors. Well, actually, it seems that only one of the victims lived there, and the other was a guy she picked up. There’s an unfortunate scene where the neighbor tries to seduce the man by taking off part of her bathing suit in the pool. This is the most horrifying moment of the movie. “Please keep your clothes on,” you will shout at the screen. The plush shark also attacks the babysitter, her ridiculous friend, and the two boys that are coming over to score with them. And a burglar. The burglar bit is actually funny, because of the items he takes. He grabs a cordless phone, but not the phone’s base. He grabs a single letter from a drawer of papers. He grabs one specific DVD from the shelf of movies. Who is this guy? By the way, this is apparently the house to enter without permission. A total of four characters break into the house (five, if you count the cop, who does not announce himself as he enters). Meanwhile, the child sleeps on. The child, by the way, gives the best performance of the movie. He’s really not bad at all, even when he’s awake.

The worst performance of the movie? That’s a tough one, because there are a lot of people in the running, including the drunk mother who has no relationship with her son whatsoever. But I would have to go with the child’s father, who really loves talking to himself. He does try to talk to someone else at one point. He calls his son, but there is no answer. This alarms him. Why? It is unclear. He doesn’t know anything about his ex-wife having left the boy with a 40-year-old babysitter, or about the murders next door, but maybe this is the first time he has called home and no one has answered. Oh, that reminds me. That phone the burglar took? We see it ringing in this scene. So that means that the plush shark, after killing the burglar, took the phone out of his bag and placed it back where it belongs. I imagine it did that with the DVD, letter and other items as well. Anyway, there is a cop who is completely unbelievable and also pretty fucking bad at his job, who is trying to track the murderer of the neighbors. But it is the father, who, because of his bad feeling, takes a week off from his job to rescue his son. Why a week? Well, it probably takes him that long to walk there. He shows up in the boy’s bedroom and spears the plush shark. And that’s when the boy wakes up. Of course, he should be like, “Why the fuck are you destroying my toy?” After all, he has slept through all the death and whatnot, and has absolutely no idea that the plush toy is possessed or alive or whatever. But he is just happy that he has one parent there, a parent who is not drunk. So, a happy ending.

What is good about this movie? Well, I love the look of the plush shark when it turns from a regular plush toy to a blood-thirsty killer. Seriously, it’s wonderful. And that goes a long way. There are some good, funny shots with the shark. And, as I said, the boy gives a decent performance. That’s about it. While this is not a good movie, it is definitely not the worst shark movie I’ve seen. Oh no, not even close.

12 Christmas Wishes For My Dog (2011)

I know, I know, you’re thinking, “Come on, Michael, how could a movie with the title 12 Christmas Wishes For My Dog be any good?” Well, regarding that title, it itself is a bit of a lie, for the wishes are not for her dog. The wishes have nothing whatsoever to do with her dog, which is interesting, since she has to leave her dog in a shelter after ignoring the rules of her apartment building, and that dog could have benefited from a wish. But I’m getting ahead of myself. This movie, which actually was originally titled 12 Wishes Of Christmas, stars Elisa Donovan as Laura, a selfish, horrible woman who is granted twelve wishes from an angel in an ugly Christmas sweater in order to help her sort out her life. So the title should be 12 Christmas Wishes For Me, And Everyone Else Can Go Fuck Themselves.

The movie begins with Laura running late for work and being stopped by a neighbor (played by Michael Gross, who in the years since Family Ties and Tremors has done a lot of Christmas movies) who asks her if she has a dog. He reminds her that the rules explicitly state that no dogs are allowed, and so Laura lies to him. (I understand that in this scene we are supposed to think her neighbor an unreasonable bastard and Laura a sweet victim, but clearly she’s a bitch with no regard for other people.) She then hurries off to work, and – horror of horrors – the heel on one of her shoes breaks. Could life be any worse than this? This is a woman who could really use twelve wishes, clearly. When she arrives to work, she apologizes for being late, and her boss (played by Fred Willard, who must have owed the film’s director a serious favor) shows he could not care less about her by calling her the wrong name. He then goes on to say that fifteen percent of the work force will be fired by the end of the year, and that he is determined to turn things around by getting his company’s new holiday line on the shelves of some expensive department store. Drama! Laura also volunteers a bit of her time at Best Buddies, a dog shelter, where she meets Andy (David O’Donnell), a man who is inexplicably attracted to her. But Laura already has a boyfriend, and because that boyfriend is taking her out to a nice restaurant, she assumes he’s going to ask for her hand in marriage. When, instead, Morgan (Michael Bergin) asks if she’ll stick with him if he follows his dream of becoming a novelist, Laura is shocked. This dinner wasn’t about her after all. How could this terrible man decide to quit his job and pursue his dreams, when Laura has so much riding on his having a high-paying job? “What about us?” she asks, but we know she means, “What about me?” Could things be going any worse for her?

Soon she is confronted by her neighbor and by the woman who is apparently in charge of the building. The woman tells her she has to get rid of the dog or find a new home. So she gets rid of the dog, leaving it at the shelter where she volunteers. She promises the dog she’ll have her out of there by Christmas. Because Christmas means a lot to that dog. And then Laura is accused of being at fault for a screw-up at work, when a woman representing that department store decides to act like the most ridiculous, angry, self-righteous person on the planet, and then never lets that attitude drop, for reasons which might only be clear to the actor playing that role. Anyway, Laura is fired. Her friend, Faith, who works at the same company, suggests Laura hire a life coach. And because Laura has no other friends who might offer better advice, she does just that. When she walks into the life coach’s office, she remarks at the décor, saying, “Wow, somebody really likes Christmas.” It’s an absurd thing to say, because Laura herself has more Christmas decorations than does the average department store. Anyway, Noel (the life coach, played by Chonda Pierce) tells Laura she’s going to grant her twelve wishes. In most stories regarding wishes, the total is three, but Laura deserves so much more than that. Her first wish: “I wish Morgan would send me flowers.” The next morning, there are flowers from Morgan at her doorstep. Okay, the first wish was wasted, but she didn’t really believe in wishes at that point. But now that she’s aware this thing is the real deal, she’ll give each wish a lot more care and consideration and choose things that will change the world for the better, right? Fuck no. Faith is going to a Christmas party, and her ex-boyfriend will be there with his new girlfriend, and so she wants to look good. So Laura’s next wish is “I wish for Faith’s hair to look fabulous at her party.” Okay, this wish is for her friend, not her, so maybe it’s a step in the right direction. But her friend is being a dipshit, wanting to impress an ex-boyfriend who has moved on. This could not be less important. Two wishes completely wasted. Also, if she’s going to wish for her friend’s hair to look fabulous, why limit it to “at her party”?

Third wish: “I wish for the banging to stop.” What she refers to there is her neighbor’s work inside his own apartment. Now, in every other story about wishes, one has to be precise in each wish, for the powers seem to love messing with mortals. But not in this movie. No, because that would be fun. Here, Noel knows just what Laura means, and takes care of it by having the neighbor evicted. Laura sees him getting his eviction notice, goes into her apartment, and makes her fourth wish. “I wish I had better shoes.” Yes, she is a despicable, horrid little person. She then wishes to win the car being raffled by the animal shelter, and soon is making wish after wish: “I wish I had 20/20 vision,” “I wish I could win the Lotto” (again, poorly worded, but Noel gives it to her), “I wish for a new wardrobe” (didn’t the money from winning the lottery take care of that?), and “I wish for new jewelry” (again, couldn’t she buy that with the money from the lottery?). Not only is she selfish, but she’s an imbecile without a trace of imagination. Basically, she is a character you cannot help but loathe. You want her to somehow step out of this film and into Friday The 13th Part Whatever, where Jason Voorhees would quickly drain her of blood.

Meanwhile, at work, Laura’s former boss (yeah, for some reason, we’re still following his story) tells his remaining employees they must come up with good ideas within twenty-four hours, ideas on getting the holiday line into that department store. Because department stores are apparently still really important in the world of this film. Faith is worried she’s next in line to get fired, so Laura’s next wish is “I wish Faith would have a winning idea.” Again, that’s vague, but again Noel knows just what Laura means. So Faith has the brilliant idea of holding a fashion show. Original, eh? “It’s bold and exciting,” Faith says. Oh? But another woman at the company steals the idea as her own. And Fred Willard says, “That is pure genius.” So Laura uses her eleventh wish: “I wish Sandra would pay for stealing Faith’s idea.” Bloody hell. You just want to put all these characters into a giant blender and press “Grind.” I’m just glad Morgan is busy working on his novel and not getting involved with his girlfriend’s stupid life. But then for her final wish, Laura types, “I wish Morgan’s book would be published.” It’s not for his sake, however; it’s because she wants to get married, and knows that won’t happen until the book is published. Awful. But Morgan is a bit smarter, and begins dating his literary agent. Good for him!

Anyway, Laura gets into an argument with her friend at work, causing Faith to quit, and catches her boyfriend kissing a better woman (Nadine has no lines, but it’s safe to assume she’s a better woman). So her life is still a mess, and she seeks advice from Noel. The rest of the movie is Laura doing what she assumes is the best for everyone, but who gives a shit at this point?

So what is good about this movie? Fred Willard is always good, and even though he is not invested in this role, he still manages to elicit some laughter. When Sandra begs him to be able to keep her job, saying she needs it, he replies: “Cry me a river. Get out of my sight.” It’s so abrupt that we can’t help but laugh. We wish he’d say that to all the other characters. Also, Michael Gross at one point says, “The wrench just bounced off the plate in my head,” a surprising line. And Mo Gaffney shows up for a few moments as Laura’s mother. She is only at the other end of a couple of phone calls, and not put to any good use, but it’s nice to see her. The one other good moment is during a scene in a shopping mall. The production hired several extras, but obviously did not completely own the location, so there are some actual shoppers there. One woman walks by and notices the camera, and is clearly alarmed to find herself in the frame. Her reaction is delightful. There is one other thing. If you’re a music fan, you might recognize singer/songwriter Shannon Hurley as an extra in a scene inside a coffee shop. And that’s about it.

Open Water 3: Cage Dive (2017)

Open Water 3: Cage Dive is a so-called “found footage” movie. I didn’t know that when I bought the DVD. I think all these films should have a warning displayed prominently on the front of the DVD box: “Warning: This is a found footage film.” So we know to stay away. But I didn’t know until the movie started.

Well, this movie works under the mistaken belief that if we are shown three people clowning around long enough, we’ll begin to care about them. Clowning around takes the place of anything resembling character development. As for a plot, three people go on a cage dive in order to make a video to submit to some “reality” television program in the hope that they’ll be chosen as contestants. Yeah, that’s their goal: be on a “reality” show. So right away we fucking hate these people. Then they film themselves making out, and we hate them even more. Then they film themselves watching earlier footage they shot, and we are more than ready for these dipshits to die. Bring on the sharks! Eat these people already.

These three people are completely empty and worthless, so when the film adds the drama that both brothers are fucking the same girl, we could not possibly care less. We already hate them. And why is it that bad shark movies feel a need to remind us of a good shark movie? One character here quotes Jaws: “We’re going to need a bigger boat.” Anyway, they get into a shark cage, but then some mean wave comes and destroys the boat, knocking everyone into the water. And the rest of the movie is those three people bobbing in the water, worried they won’t be rescued, but still filming every goddamn stupid thing they do. That is a big problem with all of these “found footage” horror films, that people keep filming long after any reasonable or believable person would have stopped. I mean, these three people are in the water, surrounded by sharks. Would they really keep filming their fucking audition tape for the fucking television series? Another problem is the awful shots, where we can’t really tell what it is we’re supposed to be seeing, and lots of shots where we can’t see anything at all. And, like every stupid “found footage” movie, this film gives us lines like “Did you see that?” and “What is it?” and “What the hell is that?” and “What was that?” And – in complete darkness – we have to listen to an argument after it’s revealed that Megan has been screwing around with both guys. The guys actually continue arguing about it even after Megan is dead. Fucking dipshits.

But guess what? There are some good things about this movie. There is some nice whale footage, as well as some very cool shark footage. And the film takes an interesting and surprising turn when the three people find a fully stocked life raft. But then they prove themselves to be incredibly stupid once again, firing a flare gun into the raft. If you somehow didn’t already think these assholes deserved to be eaten, that moment would be enough to change your mind and start cheering on the sharks. There actually are some scares with the sharks. But of course the film would be much more frightening if it weren’t done as “found footage.” Is it wrong of me to wish that sharks would eat any filmmaker planning on producing a “found footage” film? By the way, the batteries on that camera are amazing.

Planet Of The Sharks (2016)

“Take your stinking fins off me, you damn dirty shark!” No, that line is not in Planet Of The Sharks. But it could have been, I suppose, and in fact during the opening credits sequence we see the Statue of Liberty under water. Planet Of The Sharks is different from the rest of the bad shark movies out there. It’s a post-apocalyptic film borrowing more from Waterworld than Jaws. The polar ice caps have melted, and the world is covered by water. A group of scientists at a research facility are working to do something about it, while the rest of the people are just trying to survive.

The movie opens at a place called Junk City, where rent is cheap. Perhaps if the residents changed their town’s name, they could feel better about themselves. Anyway, a title tells us, “Population 72.” Ah, not for long. Here come the sharks, and they can leap out of the water to claim their victims. One girl hides in a barrel. Not sure how that’s supposed to protect her, but it does. The sharks don’t bother to search the barrels for food. Junk City is now population 1, just Bea. She is soon rescued by Barrick, a man with a working boat, who is contracted to help the scientists at the research station.

Dr. Shaw and Dr. Nichols, and their team, are working on a rocket with a CO2 scrubber attached to it to try to reverse the effect of the melted poles and gain dry land. And they need to do it soon. Temperatures on the planet are increasing, and the excessive heat in the ocean is causing the plankton to die, upsetting the food chain, and leaving the main predators with nothing to eat in the water. And that’s why the sharks are jumping out to get their food. Of course, it does beg the question, What the fuck are the people eating? But let’s not worry about that. After all, this movie is actually taking the trouble to try to give us a scientific explanation for what’s happening. It’s trying to base the film in some sort of reality, something that most shark movies don’t bother doing. And the effort is appreciated. This is a surprisingly enjoyable film, much better than it has any business being. It is suspenseful at times, fairly well acted (with a couple of exceptions), with likeable and intelligent characters, and it’s actually interesting. Not the usual fare.

Anyway, the different types of sharks have all banded together into one school and are led by a giant shark that has the ability to control the others. This army of sharks is heading for Salvation (population 436 – see what a better town name can do for you?), and the scientists, Bea and Barrick head over there to warn them, and to get some parts they need for their rocket. The folks at Salvation are eager to fight the sharks, and get ready for the battle with a tribal dance that probably attracts them. And what’s great is that these folks do actually kill a lot of the sharks at first. They’re not amateurs. There’s a reason these people are still alive. But the sharks are just too numerous, and overwhelm them. Salvation is now population 1, just Moffat, who escapes with Barrick, Bea and the scientists.

The plan is to draw the sharks into a volcano and then use science to make it erupt. But even if that works, they still have to get the rocket off in time. Yes, it’s all a bit silly, but I totally got caught up in it. The actors seem invested, and that helps us accept the film’s reality. But what’s up with Bea hiding in a cage when the sharks come to attack the research facility? All that girl does is hide, and both times someone else has to point out the hiding spot for her. How is she still alive? Anyway, guess what is now above water at the end of the movie?

5-Headed Shark Attack (2017)

Here’s how little faith they had in 5-Headed Shark Attack. In its initial DVD release, it’s put in a package with two other bad shark movies (okay, I’m only assuming they’re bad, as I haven’t yet watched them). But, hey, three bad shark movies are better than one, I always say. Anyway, it’s the third installment in an absolutely ridiculous series, following 2-Headed Shark Attack and 3 Headed Shark Attack (what happened to 4-Headed Shark Attack, you ask? Well, keep reading). By the way, in the opening title sequence it’s called 5 Headed Shark Attack, but in the closing credits and on the DVD box it’s listed as 5-Headed Shark Attack.

This one takes place on Palomino Island in Puerto Rico. And don’t worry if you haven’t seen the first two films in the series. This one really has nothing to do with the others, except that at one point a character says she’s heard of two and three-headed sharks (she also makes a reference to Sharknado). Anyway, when the film opens, some girls are trying to act sexy on a boat for a photographer. A shark with just one head is in the water nearby. Hey, what kind of threat does that fish pose? None at all, because it’s soon dispatched by a shark with four heads. Yes, four heads, not five. Four heads demand a lot of food, and sexy girls and a photographer make a good snack.

Police find the photographer’s digital camera, which has some last-moment shots of the four shark heads, and they decide to take it to a marine biologist at the local aquarium. Uh-oh, the props person must have lost the camera (or perhaps had to return it to the store), because in the next scene the camera has magically become a phone. The police officer says, “I found this camera on the boat,” and hands Dr. Yost the phone. The head of the aquarium sees this as an opportunity to save his business, and decides to assemble a team of interns to catch and exhibit the shark. This four-headed shark doesn’t like to be photographed, because not only did it eat that photographer, but it eats the team’s underwater camera.

The team loses one intern to the shark, but interns are easy to replace, so the group continues its hunt after a little pep talk by the leader, who suggests they name the shark after the dead intern. Sean The Four-Headed Shark doesn’t sound so fierce. Sounds like a roommate who might misplace your favorite Devo record, but not someone who will kill you and all your friends. Anyway, the team employs the help of a professional shark hunter who apparently used to pee on Dr. Yost. He tells the team leader he’s into watersports, then shares a knowing look with her. And they all go off to hunt the shark.

Cait, one of the remaining interns, is feeling down, however. A guy asks her, “Are you all right?” She replies, “I can’t sleep.” Well, it’s mid-afternoon and you’re on a shark hunt. Should you really be choosing this time to take a nap? Soon the shark takes another intern, Lindsay, who turns out to be Cait’s best friend. This does not help Cait’s mood. But when the guy hands her a bucket of chum, she gets back in the spirit of things.

Halfway through, this film becomes a little less believable. The shark’s tail suddenly becomes a fifth head. Now obviously this is going to cause problems for the shark, as this one head will want to travel in the opposite direction as the other four. Plus, it must be hard to swim without a caudal fin. How will it manage? The aquarium has an even bigger problem. Their insurance might not cover two dead interns. One, sure, no problem. But two? There is a suspenseful scene where the team leader is on the phone discussing the problem. Is the answer to go back into the water and endanger the final two interns? Absolutely!

But if you think this movie is all about people getting eaten by a silly-looking mutant shark, think again. This movie is not without substance. It has an important environmental message, about how plastic has altered and endangered our ecosystem. And for good measure, the film mentions global warming, the receding coral reef and the dwindling number of manatees. So there.

Chupacabra Territory (2016)

In 1980, the movie Cannibal Holocaust was released. In this film, a documentary crew had traveled to the jungle to film cannibal tribes, and then was never heard from again. The crew’s footage, however, is recovered. Then, nearly two decades later, The Blair Witch Project was released. In this movie, a documentary crew goes into the forest to document a local legend, and then is never heard from again. The crew’s footage, however, is recovered. Yeah, same thing, except The Blair Witch Project did it without style or any actual scares. But it was a surprising hit (surprising to me because it’s such an awful, pointless film), and its success basically guaranteed that we’d be subjected to a seemingly unending stream of so-called “found footage” films. These movies are characterized by shaky camera work, repetitive bare-bones scripts, and some of the worst acting imaginable. Now, don’t get me wrong, occasionally we’ll get a halfway decent found-footage film. But most of them are just fucking terrible, filled with lines like “What was that?” and “Did you just hear that?” and “What the hell is that?” and “What the hell was that?” and “What the hell happened?” Yes, all of those lines are in Chupacabra Territory, the latest offering in this tired (and tiresome) sub-genre of horror.

In Chupacabra Territory, a young documentary crew goes into the woods to document a local legend and then is never heard from again. Their footage, however, is recovered. Sound familiar? Yes, because it’s exactly the same stupid shit that all of these films give us. It opens with title cards telling us, “In 2013, the FBI released footage by four campers who went missing in the North Pinewood territory” and, of course, “Police recovered several video cameras, their bodies remain undiscovered.” Then Joe, before their trip into the woods, talks about how four experienced campers hiked into the area and three days later were reported missing. Those aren’t the four this movie is about, however. Joe and three friends go into the area, hoping to document the presence of the chupacabra, and they are the four that are the subject of this film. Joe has a strange book that is supposedly made of chupacabra skin and contains spells for contacting the creature. No word on how he obtained such a book. But no matter. He is accompanied by Amber, who is completely gung-ho about the project and is clearly a little nuts; Dave, who mans the camera and is almost never seen; and Morgan, who introduces himself by saying he hates camping, dirt, cameras and chupacabras. He claims to be there because of his good looks “and of course my giant dong.” Yeah, he’s a moron. But we wonder why he did go along on this trip. No idea.

A gas station attendant named Andrew gives the friends information about the local legends and relates how he happened to personally see the chupacabra. Apparently, it is responsible for the patch over Andrew’s eye. He also draws a map for them, showing them the site where the other four people had camped. The map is like a child’s sketch, and it’s completely unbelievable that anyone could follow it, but that really doesn’t matter. They next encounter a park ranger, who tells them the trail is closed and that they have to go back. He says, “Trees are dying, falling all over, coyotes have been found dead, pieces of them found spread everywhere.” Great dialogue. Amber and Joe see this as evidence of a conspiracy. Amber says: “I feel like there’s a lot of mystery in this forest. I feel like people really want to help us, but they’re just too afraid to really talk.” What? They’ve met a total of two people, one of whom not only talked, but drew them a fucking map. Not a good map, granted, but a map nonetheless.

Each of the four friends straps a camera to his or her head, ensuring plenty of shaky camera work. And they – against the warnings of the park ranger – head up the trail. I do appreciate that they point out a misspelling on a trail sign: “TRALHEAD.” I wonder if that was in the script, or if someone in the art department made a mistake and the actors decided to play with it. By the way, even though they all have cameras now, we still mainly get Dave’s perspective for some reason. (The reason is that he is the director of photography, and not really an actor.) On the trail, they meet three hikers who are looking for their friend Bobby. (So in this land, apparently people can only camp in groups of four.) They go their separate ways, promising to meet up later. And then suddenly we get footage from those three hikers, because one of them has a camera. It’s ridiculous that they are suddenly filming everything too, but they have to because this is a “found footage” film. However, there is a fun moment when they play a prank on the park ranger. There are actually some good moments in this movie. I like when a camera catches something that their eyes did not – a cool touch.

Morgan slips and ends up with some goo on his arm (why is Morgan there again?), which Amber has apparently read about. She tells the others that it’s “chupacabra residue.” Oh boy. Also, a branch nearly falls on him, just like the park ranger warned (“Trees are dying, falling all over”). He ends up with a rash on his arm, but it doesn’t occur to them that perhaps they should head back so a doctor can look at it. Instead, they set up camp and drink beer. Hey, here’s a question: how did they carry at least one full case of beer in their backpacks, along with their other supplies, such as two tents, four sleeping bags and so on? I don’t know. But I do love that Amber has to say, “Children, stop peeing on each other.”

Suddenly Amber declares that the other campers are in trouble. Apparently, Amber has psychic abilities. And then the film cuts back and forth between their campsite and the campsite of those three hikers (four, once Bobby returns). So who is responsible for that sort of editing in the story of this film? The FBI? Well, those hikers have only one camera, so they’d better place it in just exactly the right spot to catch everything. Of course, I don’t believe for a second that they would leave the camera running, set at the perimeter of their camp and aimed into the camp. It’s completely ridiculous. But how else can the filmmakers show us what’s happening at that other camp? Oh, I’ve got a solution: don’t make found footage films. But hey, it’s a good thing that girl landed right in front of that one camera – not once, not twice, but three times.

Well, Morgan’s arm becomes infected and Amber begins acting strangely, saying she wants to commune with the chupacabra, and apparently has to have sex with Joe to manage it. Whatever. Is there anything less sexy than a sex scene in a “found footage” film? Another problem with these movies is that people inexplicably continue to film once things have gone really wrong, which is never believable. And yet another problem is that you know from the beginning how these movies will end. After all, no one ever comes back to tell the tale.

But this movie does provide a few jolts, a few scares. The creature is pretty cool, and is used sparingly. And, rare as it is for this type of film, the cast actually isn’t bad.

Airboss 4: Eco Warrior (2000)

Could the world have gotten along well without Airboss 4: Eco Warrior? We’ll never know. What we do know is by this point, the filmmakers had completely given up trying to create a story that lasts the full length of a film. Just throw a few things together, that seems to be the strategy with this one. By the way, the movie is also known as Airboss IV: The X Factor, which is the title on the DVD case. The title during the opening credits is Airboss: Eco Warrior, and the title at the end is Airboss 4: Eco Warrior. Whatever you call it, it’s the final movie in this incredibly shitty series. Amen.

Well, Frank White, Webb Buckley and the others are out in the woods, training. Why are those two FBI agents running exercises with them? Seems odd. Didn’t they finish that mission (or, actually, three missions) from the previous film? Wouldn’t they be back to their regular assignments? Or are they now just permanently assigned to work with Frank and Webb? Well, whatever. They’re working on a training exercise that simulates a hostage situation, and for some reason they’ll be in the woods for a week. Wait, isn’t Frank the Airboss? Shouldn’t he just fly over the woods?

Frank tells the others: “We’re less than a mile from our objective. Here’s the plan. We’re going to lie low and wait.” Wait for that last mile to come to you? How does remaining a mile from one’s objective allow one to meet that objective? Dumb fucking plan, Frank. But soon they’re being shot at with real bullets, and Frank is captured by some weird Russian guy and a Korean chick who want to test some new interrogation techniques on him. Sounds fun. Except it’s not, at least not for us. The Asian chick starts asking him about old missions, and so we start getting little flashbacks to things that just don’t matter.

Meanwhile, Murphy and Daniels huddle in the woods and talk about their own past experiences. Hey, wait, that chick isn’t Daniels. Now she’s someone named Whitney. Where is Daniels? Who made the switch? I guess it doesn’t matter. Nothing really matters in this movie. This one is particularly boring, with Frank telling the Asian chick stories of no consequence for reasons that are unclear. And what’s Webb up to? Well, after getting shot, he stumbles upon a cabin owned by a couple of hicks and enters a drinking contest with them. Did someone actually plan this movie out, or did these guys just grab a video camera and go out into the woods with a few costumes and a case of beer?

Anyway, Murphy and the new Daniels run into Mr. Bernard, a man whose wife Murphy killed by mistake years earlier. Mr. Bernard and his men decide to help Murphy and Faux Daniels find Frank. And soon Webb and a military team join them. But what is it the Russian guy hopes to gain from Frank’s capture anyway? After he becomes aware that he’s lost a patrol, he tells the Asian girl he wants results, but what precisely does he want? How can a drugged up Frank help him find his missing patrol? Again, it doesn’t seem like the filmmakers had any idea what they were doing. And guess what? Frank is rescued less than halfway through the film, and it seems like both the Russian guy and the Korean chick escape. Will we see them again? Will they play a significant role in the rest of the film? No, not at all. They are never again seen, or even mentioned.

So…?

So Frank goes back to training pilots. Airboss is back in the air. But only briefly. Then he goes on vacation. This movie is a mess. So basically the film starts all over with a different plot, having completely abandoned the one about the Russian guy in the woods. Now the daughter of Frank’s commanding officer has run away and joined the crew of a boat called Eco Warrior. (Now we’re getting somewhere; after all, this is mentioned in the title. Well, one of the titles.) Frank is ordered to also join the crew of the boat to watch out for this daughter. Frank flirts with some other girl on the boat, and there’s a musical montage of them spending time together. And Tammy – that’s the daughter – is attracted to Frank too. Is the movie becoming a romantic comedy? There is also a plot involving a duplicitous company and hazardous waste, but don’t worry, nothing will come of that plot either.

Things start going wrong on the boat. A guy runs into Frank’s room, saying: “Frank, you gotta come quick. The radio’s been sabotaged. The engine’s been sabotaged. And Joey’s dead, man.” Hmm. I would have led with that last bit. In fact, he told things in the exact opposite order of importance. Come quick, the radio’s broken? Fucking hell. Then the movie becomes a whodunit on the boat. There is a cute moment when Frank flips a coin to decide which wire to cut to defuse a bomb. But wait, what about the company? It gets away with its evil plan apparently. And what about the Russian guy and Asian girl? They were never caught? What exactly happens in this movie? Nothing, that’s what. Nothing at all.