I’m worried that it must be the
next time.
Sean Bean and some guys break
into a laboratory and steal some glowing beads, an experiment in using a virus
as a biological weapon. So it’s up to the elite force led by action movie hero
Steve Guttenberg (who seems to be imitating Bruce Willis), to recapture the
glowing beads before they can be used against a population. The virus is
currently on a plane, so the elite force is going to do one of those popular
mid-air entries. “All right, we’ve all
got our dance cards,” action movie hero Steve Guttenberg says. And then the
elite team is identified with title cards while the group’s theme song plays. I’m
beginning to suspect this is a comedy. But there are lots of dramatic pauses
before they start their mission, which seem to indicate these characters wish
to be taken seriously.
Everything goes well on their
mission, but they take the dangerous cylinder out of its protective case for
some reason, and then toss it around. This is supposed to build suspense, I
suppose, but it just comes across as seriously stupid. And there’s some
fighting on the plane, and one of the bad guys calls action movie hero Steve
Guttenberg by name. By his character’s name, that is: Bill McNeil. The elite
force escapes, but the movie is far from over. How did that villain know his
name, action movie hero Steve Guttenberg wonders. And we are supposed to wonder
that too, but I’m not all that concerned.
Elite team supervisor Ron
Simpson (Colm Feore, who must have been wondering what the hell he was doing
in this movie) and action movie hero Steve Guttenberg go for a drive. Ron goes
to put on some Abba or Diana Ross, but puts in the wrong CD, and a man starts
talking to him through the speakers, and somehow that makes the car doors lock.
Also, the brakes and steering wheel stop functioning. Uh-oh! Not that we’re
overly concerned about these characters, but now it’s beyond any doubt that
this is a bad movie. And I wonder, What would the bad guys have done had Ron
decided not to put on this CD? I mean, sometimes you just want to drive in
silence, and not listen to a man’s voice threaten you on your stereo. And
sometimes you don’t even want to listen to Abba or Diana Ross. Well, of course
Ron and action movie hero Steve Guttenberg escape. But I’m also wondering, How
would killing these two help the bad guys get the virus back? It’s not like
the elite force still has it. Their mission is over. It’s been over for a
while.
Well, one of the other members
of the elite force is murdered, and a murder attempt is made on the female
member, Sara. So Ron, Sara and action movie hero Steve Guttenberg no longer
trust anyone, including their bosses. So they decide to steal the virus
themselves in order to find out who the buyer is. That seems somewhat nutty and
dangerous, but the movie has to go on. It’s about this time that I recall that
the DVD box set is called Terror In The
Air. The entire plane sequence was over in the first twenty minutes. Hmm.
Anyway, the team breaks in to the place where the virus is stored without any
trouble whatsoever. But when they get the container, Sean Bean is there like
Belloq in Raiders to take it from
them. There is a cool liquid nitrogen death, but the whole thing is so silly.
Where are the guards? So now the bad guys have the virus again. And I learn
that secret operations agents take long bubble baths.
Action movie hero Steve
Guttenberg walks in slow motion in a couple of scenes. That builds suspense,
even when he and Sara are just walking down a hotel hallway. What will happen?
And then, with eighteen minutes left in the movie, we have another airplane
sequence. Well, an airport sequence, anyway. The plane never gets off the
ground (so much for Terror In The Air).
Why does no one carry that virus in a protective case? The movie’s ending
provides a few answers to certain questions, but no answer to that question.
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