Final Voyage (1999)

Final Voyage is a real stinker.  There is nothing the least bit believable about this film.  It starts off with Aaron (Dylan Walsh) escorting Christina, a famous old actress, onto a plane. He's her bodyguard. Aaron tells her (and us), "I don't like any kind of transportation I don't have control over." Uh-oh. Because guess what - there's a boat on the cover of the DVD.  A big boat. Will he have control over it? I don't think so.  Anyway, a passenger on the plane casually picks up a gun and goes into the cockpit. Okay, yes, this movie came out before September 11, 2001, but still, I don't remember passengers being able to take guns on board.  Two more bad guys suddenly stand up with guns, and there's a gun battle, as Aaron manages to take the weapon from one of them. Aaron is the hero, though he puts everyone's life at risk by shooting in the cabin.

Aaron is then transferred to a new client, Gloria Franklin (Erika Eleniak), who is the daughter of some famous, rich man. The first thing this new girl does is take him for a ride in her small personal plane that she pilots. Why? Who is he protecting her from? But then an engine goes out, and he lands the plane for her.  So he does have control over the plane.  Hmm.  But next, a big old boat. "Like the Queen Mary," Gloria's assistant says.  Actually, it is the Queen Mary, and it's mentioned several more times.  But in this film it's called the Britannica.

We're introduced to a lot of cardboard characters, none of whom is the least bit interesting. Aaron runs into Teri, an old flame, who provides annoying exposition on many of the passengers.  She's now some sort of on-camera journalist, but that's not important. What's important is that she carries pepper spray disguised as lipstick.  Actually, that's not important either.

Of course there are problems everywhere, such as a leak in the cargo hold. Some awful dialogue (actually, all of the dialogue in this film is awful) lets us know that they cut costs on refurbishing the boat.  "Any excess stress could send in an unstoppable wall of water," some idiot warns some other idiot.  And then we meet the hijackers - some chick who thinks she's hot, an older guy named Harris, and their leader, played by Ice-T. Ice-T says every line of dialogue with exactly the same tone and inflection - not just in this film, but every line he's ever spoken in any film or television show. He has as much emotion and range as does a computerized voice in someone's outgoing voice-mail message when the person hasn't bothered to record one himself.  Actually, he has less.  Is Ice-T the worst actor on the planet?  Yes.

Ice-T almost immediately uses the word "momentarily" incorrectly. Just for the record, "momentarily" does not mean "in a moment." It means "for a moment."  Of course, that's not Ice-T's fault.  It's the fault of the film's two writers.  That's right, it took two people to write this piece of shit.

But again, he's not the only one given terrible dialogue.  The writers have Paul Miller approach Gloria Franklin and say to her, "I thought I knew every pretty face on this ship, but I cannot seem to put a name to such beauty." And just two or three seconds later, they have him tell her he saw her and her father at a meeting last fall and that he never forgets a pretty face.  Uh, hello?  Shitty writing.

So the bad guys start killing people, but it's okay, because they're all bad actors. Basically the hijackers are simply shortening some bad performances. Editing them, if you will.

A worker named Jasper finds two other workers who have been shot. He attacks the killer, Harris, gets the gun, shoots him, then shouts at the corpse, "You killed my friends!"  Then, instead of notifying the captain (or anyone, for that matter), he sits down to think for a while.  Though he's the first person to encounter the hijackers and live, he never tells anyone, never alerts anyone.  Ever. Hours later we'll find him in that exact same spot.  Thinking is hard. It's a shame, because if he had just notified someone, the whole disaster could have been averted, and the movie would have been much shorter, for which all viewers would be grateful.

As ridiculous as all of that is, what happens next is even more unbelievable. A plane flies directly over the ship, and lots of bad guys jump out of the plane.  But no one notices them.  Not a single person on the boat sees this happening.  The chick who thinks she's hot unravels rope ladders, so that they can climb up out of the water.  And the relentless action music doesn't help.  That is, it doesn't keep me from laughing at every bad line of dialogue, at every stupid contrivance.

Well, there is a banquet on the boat, and Aaron and Gloria are miraculously the only ones not at the dinner when the hijackers make themselves known.  This is because Gloria insists on being "fashionably late."  So it's left to Aaron and Gloria to save everyone.  It's difficult because Gloria never takes off her high heels, and Aaron never orders her to.  Of course they eventually come across Jasper, still hanging out near the body of Harris. So Jasper joins this small team of heroes.  Yes, the guy who could have averted the entire thing but didn't is one of the heroes in this film.  Yikes.

Basically, apart from Dylan Walsh (who I enjoyed in Nip/Tuck), there is no one with any sort of acting ability whatsoever.  Ice-T is still gloriously awful, but he's not out of his depth in this one, for the casting director had the intelligence (or lack of funds) to surround him with other actors of his caliber.  That is, other actors without talent, range, or emotion.

This giant turd was directed by Jay Andrews.  However, Jay Andrews is a fake name for Jim Wynorski, the guy who directed Ghoulies IV and other horseshit.  It's really dishonest for him to use a fake name, because if the name Jim Wynorski had been on the DVD case, we'd all have had fair warning that this was going to be one of the worst movies of all time.  Because all Jim Wynorski does is make terrible films. That's his thing.  That's what he's known for.

So, what's good about Final Voyage (which, by the way, has absolutely nothing to do with the 1960 film, The Last Voyage, also about a big boat in trouble)?  Well, Dylan Walsh is good.  And I do like the red feathery lingerie that some blonde wears in an early scene.  Why don't women I know wear stuff like that?  Apart from that, there is nothing good about this film.

Blonde And Blonder (2008)

Okay, the first problem with Blonde And Blonder is the title. "Blonde" with an "e" is a noun. "Blond" is an adjective.  That was a problem with Legally Blonde also, as adverbs don't modify nouns, and it would have been funnier anyway if it had been "Blond" because it's only one letter away from "Blind" rather than two.

But from Blonde And Blonder's opening animated sequence, it's clear that this is a movie that does not take itself seriously, and that's a good thing.  The film stars Pamela Anderson as Dee and Denise Richards as Dawn, two incredibly stupid blondes who decide to take flying lessons and end up being mistaken for assassins.

They both get in a plane, each thinking the other is the instructor. And off they go, the real instructor running behind them. They soon realize their mistake, of course, and we get that obligatory shot of them screaming. Then they crash the plane on a golf course, interrupting a game, which I appreciate. An announcer for the golf tournament has the horrible line, "An airplane has just made a hole in one."  And there is a Close Encounters Of The Third Kind reference, and then a pretty good lawyer joke.  The two blondes immediately become best friends, and it turns out they live next to each other. One of them has a flatulent turtle (which is not funny - fart jokes are so rarely funny that it's retarded to even attempt them).

The film spends a lot of time setting these two up as idiots. Some of it is funny. Such as this line from Dawn: "My dream is to marry the man of my dreams." And this line from Dee: "You have beauty and looks - you can't lose."  But they're not only stupid; they're also untalented.  They decide to become dancers (it's part of Dee's dream), though neither can execute the simplest of dance steps.

Meanwhile the mafia decide to get at someone in the witness protection program. They decide to hire a mysterious female assassin known as Cat. We're introduced to Cat, as well as her apprentice, Kit (they have darker hair, of course). We're also introduced to some male mafia members, and some agents.  A major problem with this film is that a large number of its characters are complete imbeciles - not just the two blondes.  The agents assigned to protect the guy in the witness protection program are idiots.  The two mafia guys are idiots.  So it's basically a world of idiots. So the blondes don't necessarily stand out. It would be much better if everyone else were intelligent.

Anyway, Cat kills the guy in the witness protection program - a guy who runs a club, where Dawn and Dee have an audition. So they audition for the dead guy (who blinks several times). And then everyone thinks that they are the female assassins, and they're hired to kill Mr. Wong.  This of course angers the real assassins, that someone is pretending to be them and taking their jobs.

There is a lot of awful, awful dialogue about a full bladder and other irrelevant stuff.  (The Guess Jeans joke is something I used to do in the early nineties when I was working in child care.)  Pamela Anderson wears a fake fur stole, which is absurd.  But there are several truly funny moments, like when the apprentice assassin kills a guy in the loo.  And clearly Denise and Pamela (as well as most of the rest of the cast) are having fun with this film.  It's totally harmless, and it all wraps up fairly quickly.

Blonde And Blonder was directed by Dean Hamilton. It stars Pamela Anderson, Denise Richards, Emmanuelle Vaugier, Kevin Farley, John Farley and Byron Mann.

Dirty Deeds (2005)

Dirty Deeds is an absolutely terrible film about a high school that has some tradition called Dirty Deeds, which is a series of tasks that have to be completed the night before Homecoming.  It's something that's not accomplished every year, or even attempted, and apparently anyone can decide to do it. But it's not a competition -  only one person can try it each year.  Like most high school movies, it's full of people in their twenties and thirties. And some of them have pick-up trucks with pointlessly large tires - that means they're assholes and idiots. (By the way, if you have a truck with pointlessly large tires, you're an asshole and an idiot too.)

Anyway, Meg (Lacey Chabert) arrives at school and is told she might be valedictorian (though isn't Homecoming at the beginning of the year?), and her brother Kyle says, "Valedictorian? What does that mean?"  Is he really that stupid, or do the writers of this film believe their viewers are that stupid? Or both?

Well, Kyle and some of his friends painted over the index finger on a poster of the school mascot, so only the middle finger is up.  And everyone is stunned.  Big fucking deal.  Cops actually come to the school, though not about that, but rather to talk to the jocks about keeping people from doing the Dirty Deeds. They seem incredibly concerned that someone might attempt the challenges this year.

Zach (Milo Ventimiglia) is brought to the principal's office regarding the sign's vandalism. Meg tells him to stay away from her brother, Kyle, because she doesn't want him getting into trouble.

This movie starts off so horribly, and then sinks lower with fart jokes. Seriously. Fart jokes.  And awful actors doing even worse dialogue. Because every once in a while the writers want to remind you about the dirty deeds challenge, you know, so you don't forget and think there might actually be a better plot coming. One awful young actor says, "I heard that there's ten of them, and they, like, get harder as you go on." Wow, thanks for that information. A worse actor adds, "I heard one year a freshman lost his ball sack trying to do the deeds."  The deeds are all everyone is talking about, even the goth kids.  There is a mysterious character named Duncan Rime, who did the deeds fifteen years ago and then died or disappeared.

Well, Kyle gets picked on by the jocks, so he decides to stand up to them and volunteers to do the deeds.  Meg complains to Zach about this, telling him to get Kyle out of it. So Zach instead offers to do the deeds.  And that is the plot, such as it is.  The jock has a key to a locker where the cards listing the deeds are kept. How did he get this key? And when did he get this key? If he had it, wouldn't he have looked at the list before? Just one more stupid thing in this insanely insipid film. I can't believe it took two people to write this.

And why would Zach trust that the jock wouldn't write his own more fucked up list of deeds? If that list is so easy to access, why are there only rumors surrounding it?  On top of that, we're introduced to a strange homeless guy. Oooh, will it turn out to be Duncan Rime?  Of course. And if that comes as a surprise to you, check to see how large the tires are on your truck.

Another problem is that although the students seem to have no idea of the specifics of any of the deeds (though this is an event that's been done for decades), all of the adults do. In fact, even the guy who works in the grocery story recognizes the deeds in action. So if he knows what they are, certainly the cops would also. So the cops could stake out one or two of the places easily, and put a stop to it early on.  But that doesn't occur to them.  Because they, like everyone else in this film, are imbeciles.

Deed #9 is to find Duncan Rime. This leads to another problem with the script. Every time someone completes the deeds, he or she adds to the list. So Duncan did all eight deeds, and added the ninth. But there are ten deeds. So whoever added the tenth already found him. So where's the mystery? Or did Duncan add two deeds to the list?

So, anyway, when Zach is given the ninth deed, everyone figures that's the end. Because no one has heard from Duncan Rime in years. A moment later Duncan Rime walks in and announces himself to be Duncan Rime.  He then gives a life lesson to those around him. He says that when he was in high school he was the most popular kid, had a great car, had a beautiful girlfriend.  But then he realized the pointlessness of all of this, of the deeds and so on.  And he asks Zach what he's doing with all this?  So then Zach rips up the tenth deed and tosses the pieces of the card at the jock, as if he's just suddenly had an epiphany.  But he didn't really learn a lesson; Duncan announced the lesson. Zach merely followed what Duncan was telling him to do.

And what's the deal with Duncan anyway? He did the pointless Dirty Deeds challenge, then realized it was pointless, and as a result became homeless?  And for the last couple of decades he's been walking around with this nugget of advice, but not telling it to anyone?

The only way to make the film more annoying is to add a lot of shitty music, so that is just what they do. It must have been a lot of work to dig up such a large number of truly terrible songs.  Every single song in this film is awful.

Special thanks are given in the credits to Tom Glavine, Mike Piazza, Kevin Millar and several other baseball players. Why? Well, Todd Zeile and Jason Giambi are the film's executive producers, so maybe players helped out financially.  I don't know.  But Duncan Rime is played by Todd Zeile. Suffice it to say he was a much better baseball player than he is an actor.

So what's good? Halfway through the film, Charles Durning shows up. He's given stupid shit to do, but his presence is appreciated (as always). And that's it - that's the only good thing in the entire film.

This is the most pointless film I've ever seen. If teenagers are anything like those portrayed in this film, they all should be set on fire.  Dirty Deeds was written by Jon Land and Jonathan Thies. It was directed by David Kendall.  If you get the chance to meet any of them, please punch them in the face for me. Thanks.

Bachelor Party 2: The Last Temptation (2008)

I bet if this had been called Bachelor Party 2: The Last Temptation Of Christ, it would have been a fantastic movie.  Someone should make that. But as for Bachelor Party 2: The Last Temptation... Well, the good news is that this "sequel" doesn't have Tom Hanks. For that, we must all be grateful. The bad news is that the transvestite is also not in it. Actually, I don't think any of the original characters return.  The writers are back, but none of their characters could make it.

This movie starts with that awful scene where a guy is going to ask a girl to marry him in a restaurant, but the waiter puts the ring in the wrong dessert, and it ends up with some black woman who refuses to give it back because she's excited at the prospect of getting married. Give me a break. When Ron takes it off her finger, she attacks him. And somehow he and his girlfriend, Melinda, get arrested as a result, which makes no sense.

There are awful dirty diaper jokes early on. And every married couple we see is one shade or other of horrible. 

Todd, Melinda's sister's husband, is jealous because Melinda's father takes a shine to Ron. So it's Todd who has the bachelor party idea with the plan to get Ron in trouble so that the wedding will be called off. He also sets a spy on Ron to uncover some dirt. Todd wants to be next in line in the family company.  It's more than a bit ridiculous.  And there are plenty of bad scenes as a result.

There is a long, boring golf montage (even with the nudity, it's boring).  For some reason there is a dance contest, a lame hot tub joke that goes on and on, and other pointless nonsense that makes this 84-minute movie a 104-minute movie.

But there are good things about this film. First off, Sara Foster, the girl who plays Melinda, is beautiful (and also a decent actor).  Also, in the hotel is a Sex Addicts Anonymous party. Two of the guys think SAA stands for Sales Association of America, and that actually leads to some pretty funny dialogue as they try to pick up two girls. (Betty, the girl one picks up, is cute, by the way.)  And there are some other funny lines, even if they're not completely original. Like Harland Williams says of women: "They pretend they like sports the same way we pretend we like talking to them. The only sports you're going to get when you're married is Little League T-Ball. And I've seen that stuff, and trust me, Ron, most of those kids really fucking suck."

And, okay, I love the Nazi stuff.

Bachelor Party 2: The Last Temptation stars Josh Cooke, Sara Foster, Warren Christie and Harland Williams.  It was directed by James Ryan.  This was his first movie. He was twelve years old.

Skeleton Man (2004)

This is really the worst of the worst. This movie is so boring. There is absolutely no story whatsoever. I swear, there was no script. It's just a guy in a cheap skull mask and an even cheaper black cape killing people, most of whom we're not introduced to until they're killed. Sometimes Skeleton Man is on foot; sometimes he's on a horse. That's really it. And it's all in daylight in the woods, so every shot looks like every other. This movie could have been five minutes, and it still would have been too long.

A military team led by Michael Rooker is out looking for some army guys who have gone missing. We get that horrible scene where the team members introduce themselves to each other. But it happens when they're already out in the field. Didn't they meet earlier when the team assembled back in civilization? Wouldn't that have been the time for introductions? Or during the ride in whatever vehicle took them to the woods? In addition, as each person introduces himself or herself, his or her name appears on the screen, with the sound effect of a typewriter typing the name. As if this is really important information (it's not).

They're in the middle of the woods. They go to great pains to explain this is the middle of nowhere, miles from civilization. But suddenly there is a scene where a guy walks out of the woods and steals a truck, and then the truck explodes. Then back to the woods. No explanation.

The group finds two people. One of the men pulls an ID from one of the people and then announces, "Deer poachers." Wait, what, does it say "deer poacher" on his driver's license? Or did he have a special Deer Poacher business card made up? It doesn't matter. Skeleton Man kills both of them a moment later.

This movie is a complete pile of shit. I've never been less involved in a film than this one, never been less interested in what might happen. And it's so poorly shot and edited. Like we see the group from the killer's perspective, and the shot is above them, from a distance. As if the killer is in a tall tree. Then we get a reverse shot of the killer, and he's on the flattest ground imaginable. Nothing cuts together. A guy is fishing (even though we're in the middle of nowhere, some guy has come out here to fish), and he's seated at the top of a waterfall. He must have a very long line. Anyway, he's attacked from the front - so the weapon must have come from somewhere above the water. But again, in the reverse shot, Skeleton Man is on his horse in the woods. Were the filmmakers even trying?

I just have one question: Why, Michael Rooker? Why? Why? Why? What dirt did the director have on him to get him to sign onto this piece of shit? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why?

Dear Frederick Bailey, so-called writer of Skeleton Man, if I ever meet you, I am going to smack you across the face. And you know you deserve it. In fact, if you're reading this (if you're able to read), please go ahead and smack yourself. Hard. And again. Also, Johnny Martin, director of Skeleton Man, you deserve to be beaten and humiliated in front of everyone you've ever known. Actually, you should be forced to eat every copy of this DVD.

Everyone should avoid this movie. There is nothing good about it. Nothing.

Jolly Roger: Massacre At Cutter's Cove (2005)

Oo-wee, what an incredible mess. I had given up on this film before the opening credits were finished. That's due to the fact that there is the worst rock music playing over them - toward the end of the credits, the music becomes a blatant rip-off of an AC/DC song. And the title sequence itself is incredibly annoying, like a cheap, shitty version of something from That '70s Show.

Anyway, the film opens with a group of teenagers camping on the beach. Right away we get the annoying "get a room" line when two of them are cuddling. (I call for an end to using that line, not just in films but also in real life.) And then the game starts: Who is the worst actor of this film? A case can be made for every single one of them. But early front-runners are the guy that plays Tom and the woman who plays his girlfriend. They have some dialogue about ghost stories that is unbelievably laughably bad. Granted, it is not just their delivery that is atrocious, but the lines themselves.

Meanwhile the two that went looking for a room instead find a treasure chest. In fact, the guy says, "Hey, check it out, it looks like a treasure chest." Indeed. Inside it, he finds a human skull, which he plays with for a moment, then throws into the ocean. Typical response to finding a human skull. But both of them are killed soon, so whatever. The girl does take her top off before getting killed, which is sort of nice. And she smiles at the pirate just before he kills her, which is sort of weird. Yeah, the killer is a pirate.

Another couple back at the campsite are talking about college. Alex tells his girlfriend Jessie that he doesn't want to go to college. He's saved up money and is going to buy a boat. Holy shit, what job did he have during high school? I worked all through high school, but there was no way I had enough money for a boat. Not even a canoe. Anyway, he gives Jessie his school ring, and says this sweet bit of dialogue: "Yeah, my mom just got it for me. I don't really like wearing these things, but I love you, and I want you to have it." Seriously.

The guy playing Tom really wants the "worst actor of the film" award, and to get it, he actually runs toward the pirate after the pirate kills his girlfriend, then stands there waiting to be killed with a perfectly retarded look on his face. Incredible.

Bad acting is far from being the film's sole problem. One scene I love is the What The Fuck Time Is It scene. It starts in a room where there are three clocks on the wall behind some guy. Now usually when there are multiple clocks, it has to do with different time zones. However the three clocks are set to 8:40, 12:20 and 5:40. Sorry, time zones don't go in twenty minute increments. The secretary has her own clock. Hers says 10:35. And when the guy moves over to another clock, it says 4:56. Now the entire scene takes place in only a few minutes. So you too can play What The Fuck Time Is It.

There is also the Miraculous Surveillance Footage scene. After the pirate kills a couple of people in a strip club, the cop asks to see the surveillance tape. So the club manager pops the tape in. First of all, the point of view of the surveillance camera is that of someone at a table in the club - it actually looks up at the stripper. Then it cuts to a point-of-view shot of the pirate approaching her. And the camera moves. It's incredible. The tape not only gets multiple angles, but has been magically edited together to mimic the scene we just saw.

The cop keeps watching the tape in fast forward. He then squints, as if he's catching something we might have missed. But we never learn what that thing might have been. By the way, none of the police work is the least bit believable in this film. I love the incompetent cop. The main cop tells him, "Do the best you can." He says that to him at least three or four times.

The cops think that Alex and perhaps Jessie killed their friends. And they continue to think this even after several other witnesses back up their story about the pirate. In fact, even after the main cop has watched the surveillance tape, he still warns the female cop to not approach Alex until backup arrives. This doesn't make a lick of sense.

Meanwhile Alex and Jessie try to solve these crimes by getting on the internet at their high school. When she logs on, Jessie exclaims, "I'm in!" as if she'd cracked some code at the Pentagon. By the way, the girl who plays Jessie is a prime candidate for Worst Actor Of The Film. She loves doing her out-of-breath thing, even if she's only run like two feet or is looking at pirates on the internet. Clearly, everything exhausts her.

The pirate is killing the descendants of the town's founders. How convenient that the descendants all live in the same town, and still have the same last names. So stupid.

So what's good? There is one good moment in the strip club where a stripper gives the pirate a lap dance. She says, "Is that a musket in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?" He replies, "Aye, it's a musket." That's actually funny. And it's the only intentionally funny bit in the entire film.

The mayor character is wonderful - well, when she's in focus, that is. I'm not sure how she was elected mayor. She's clearly bonkers. And yes, the focus puller was on acid ("Sure, it's in focus. In fact, things have never been more in focus for me. I am the camera"). Just one more problem in a film full of problems.

Jolly Roger: Massacre At Cutter's Cove was directed by Gary Jones.

Rottweiler (2004)

Rottweiler is certainly a bad movie. But it has something wonderful in it. However, first the bad stuff...

The movie begins with a prisoner getting kicked and beaten. We don't know who he is, or what he's done. Later, on a chain gang, another prisoner is stung by a scorpion, which somehow allows this prisoner to escape. A metal dog chases him, but he manages to elude it. At least for a few minutes. Soon a bounty hunter who works for the prison catches up to him. The dog, apparently, is his, for he has the dog with him.

We then get a flashback of the prisoner - whose name is Dante - on a boat with his girlfriend. It appears to be a boat full of refugees, but Dante and the girl (named Ula and pronounced Oola and then later Ola), say they're infiltrating. No clue what they're infiltrating. But infiltrating all the same. But the boat is stopped, and they jump overboard.

Back to the present, Dante tricks the metal dog into looking at a rabbit, then kills the bounty hunter and the dog, and escapes. He takes the guy's boots. The next morning he sees a metal skeleton of a dog on a hill and shoots at it, but it's just an hallucination. This leads him to find some drug runners in a cave. They share their food and a Cheech & Chong-type joint with him, but when they ask for his boots in return, Dante says no.

Meanwhile the dog comes back to life because of a smoke machine (and possibly because of a scorpion). And the dead bounty hunter also comes back alive long enough to tell the dog, "Find him, kill him."

Anyway, Dante is trying to find his girlfriend. He shows a picture of her to the drug dealers, and then we get another flashback. The two of them swim to shore, where they're caught. They're immigrants with no papers. They explain that they're playing a game called "Infiltration." Yes, seriously. They describe it as roleplaying in the real world. The next morning when Dante wakes, the drug runners are gone, and so are his boots.

Moments later the dog kills the one with his boots, clearly mistaking him for Dante. But then he somehow gets on Dante's trail. Dante is swimming, and the dog goes after him. Dante taunts it, "I can outsmart you any day of the week, you fucking dog." And then he runs, naked, through the woods. Which gives us time for another flashback. Ula is being raped in a truck, and some blonde asks Dante for a light. That's the entire flashback.

Meanwhile a little girl is afraid of monsters in a cellar on a farm. Anyway, naked Dante arrives, and is given pants by the girl's mom, who then immediately takes them off and fucks him in the Jesus room. Seriously, check out the neon blue glowing cross - it looks like a beer sign - and the Jesus portrait over the bed. Who says Christians have no sense of humor?

The scene where the dog tears the mother apart in front of the daughter is great. The girl is in the cellar, looking up at her mother, whose blood drips down onto her. Wonderful.

But the best thing in this film (and one of the best things I've ever seen in any film, no exaggeration) is the rooster's reaction shot to the dog jumping out of the cellar. The rooster is by far the best actor in the film. This shot is amazing. Dante managed to get the dog into cellar (after getting the little girl out), and locks the door. But the dog is jumping up against the door, banging on it. The rooster looks over at it, curious and a bit nervous. Then the dog springs out of the cellar, and the rooster's reaction of terror is incredible. I can't stress this enough. It is one of my favorite moments in the history of cinema. Again, I am not exaggerating. It's worth owning this movie just for this moment. I watched this scene a dozen times, and it cracked me up every single time.

But eventually we had to let the movie continue. A shame, because we get another flashback, where his girlfriend is finished being raped. Dante tells her it sounded like she was enjoying it. So at that point we want Dante to be killed by the dog. What a bastard. He wanders into a graveyard, and a dead guy from the boat leads him to believe his girlfriend is dead. Suddenly Dante is in the red light district, trying to find Ula (now Ola). Anyway, more stuff happens. But who gives a shit? As soon as the movie was over, we went and watched the rooster a few more times. Amazing.

For those who don't want to sit through the first fifty-five minutes of the film to get to that moment, here is a link to the shot on You Tube: Rooster deserves Oscar.

Enjoy.