Avalanche Sharks (2013)

If you haven’t been paying attention to the news lately, you might not be aware that sharks are turning up in some unexpected places – in Venice, in swamps, even in snow. Avalanche Sharks is a film that shows us that sharks can even turn up in someone’s mind. Yes, that’s right, everything that happens in the movie is just a story that a character within the movie tells.

A guy in a hospital wants to tell his sexy hallucination the story of how he broke his leg. And we see the story (well, except he never actually tells how he broke his leg, but no matter). Some guy sets off some explosives on a mountain where two guys are snowboarding. There is no reason for him to set off those explosives, but they apparently wake up some glowing alien sharks, who quickly eat the snowboarders. Meanwhile some arrogant little bitch named Becca and her friend get a ride to Mammoth from a guy named Randy. And Randy – is Randy the guy from the beginning? Not sure – tells them a story on the way there. A story within a story? Well, we see this one too, and it involves hundreds of intelligent space sharks searching for a new planet. (Isn’t this the basis for Scientology?) One of the shark pods lands on Mammoth.

Anyway, it’s spring break, and there are a lot of girls on the mountain, though it’s impossible to tell just how many, because they’re all blondes, and I have trouble telling them apart. One of the blondes is a marine biologist. Good thing she’s on this mountain. Good thing her boyfriend or father or uncle or whoever he is told us she’s a marine biologist, because obviously this will come into play later. Except it actually never does. It’s never mentioned again. And weirdly, an old guy refers to the glowing sharks by the word invented by Randy in his story to the girls – skookum, or something like that. So apparently we’re still within the story within the story within the movie. Oh boy. That means that anything that happens doesn’t even matter within the world of the film, let alone to those of us watching.

As you might expect, there is a lot of silliness in this film. As in Snow Shark, the avalanche sharks are able to travel in snow that’s only a few inches deep. But I like that a child’s drawing from twenty-five years ago is still in the sheriff’s cabinet, but that he apparently has never seen it. The sheriff’s office is actually at the ski resort, which is also odd. Odder still is that the owner of the Mammoth ski resort is able to fire the sheriff and give the job to the head of his ski patrol. Okay. The blonde who drew that picture twenty-five years earlier says these sharks killed her parents, and that there is some Native American legend about these sharks swimming up a river and ending up in the ice. So they didn’t travel through space?

Back in the hospital, the guy’s hallucination gets angry with the inconsistencies in his story. So I guess the hallucination is the character we’re supposed to side with in this film. And because the whole thing is a story made up by a character within the imagination of a character within the film, should I even bother to point out weird plot problems, like that some chick rides up the mountain in a gondola with one guy, presumably to ski, only to be shown moments later riding on the back of some other guy’s snowmobile? Probably not.

And while a lot of people are fighting the sharks, some oriental chick (and I love that the hallucination refers to her as an “oriental chick”) quietly becomes the hero of this story within the story within the film. And then the movie takes us to Mars for some reason. But don’t worry about that.

Hide (2011)

What can I say about this one? It’s a complete mess. A few girls get harassed by someone using the voice from Scream (admittedly – they make several references to Scream). They guess it’s their friend Ryan, and then guess it’s their friend Scooter. And for a long time, the movie cuts to some hand-held footage of doorknobs and things, and it goes on and on. This footage is never explained, but is dropped with like twenty minutes to go. There is also some news footage that doesn’t feel the least bit real. At the bottom of the screen it says, “Breaking Story,” but the footage is of nothing whatsoever. And why didn’t the hair person fix the reporter’s hair? It’s a mess. Maybe there wasn’t a hair person on this film. I don’t know. The biggest problem, however, is the sound design. There are basically two big musical cues, and they are used repeatedly throughout the film (one is a piano cue that tries to be like Halloween). Even worse is the Foley. Yes, that’s right. I don’t think I’ve ever complained about Foley in a film before. For those who don’t know, Foley is manually produced sound effects, like doors slamming, footsteps, and so on. For this movie, only three footsteps were recorded – two loud steps, followed by a soft step, like the person stopping. And you hear those three steps throughout the film. Seriously. Once you notice it, it’s impossible to ignore. Plus, the footsteps are those of a heavy shoe, but what we see is a Converse All Stars-type shoe, which just wouldn’t make that sound. Also, there are popping sounds throughout the film, which are really irritating. And then at one point, a line is completely lost. It’s just not there. The woman says a line, and we see her mouth moving, but we hear nothing, and then the sound comes back in for the response to that line. It’s so fucking ridiculous that that wouldn’t be fixed. The filmmakers are completely incompetent. And the end is just fucking stupid. So what’s good about it? Well, the lead actor is really pretty. And there are some humorous moments early on, when they’re playing around with the Scream gag. But unless you love watching girls talk on the phone, cut with jumpy footage of doorknobs, it’s probably best to skip this one.

Mega Shark Vs. Kolossus (2015)

A giant shark fighting a giant robot? Of course I’m on board. Though I suppose that sort of already happened in the previous Mega Shark movie, Mega Shark Vs. Mecha Shark, but I haven’t seen that one yet. (I still have Godzilla Vs. Mechagodzilla on VHS, but I suppose that’s a bit off the topic.) The other thing that had me interested in Mega Shark Vs. Kolossus is Illeana Douglas’ involvement. She’s an actor I admire, and I have to wonder what the hell she’s doing in this film. It can’t be for the pay check because this movie is put out by The Asylum, not known for being overly generous to its employees.

Well, Russian civilians are mining red mercury in the ocean near Brazil, when some hot chicks in submarines show up and tell them to stop. They agree to stop, but a giant shark destroys their boat anyway. The girls attack the shark, using “attack pattern Red 5,” but nothing seems to hurt this shark, not even Star Wars references. (There is another Star Wars reference later, when one pilot addresses another plane as “TK421” – “TK421, why aren’t you at your post?”)

Meanwhile in the Ukraine the filmmakers don’t believe we’ll be able to understand an Asian chick or a bearded guy, so – even though they’re speaking English – they provide subtitles for them. I wonder how the actors feel about that. Well, these guys have some red mercury (everyone wants red mercury). While they’re engaged in a screwed up business deal, a giant robot is mysteriously activated.

And at a naval base in Florida, Illeana Douglas shows up as Dr. Alison Gray and goes to a meeting. The guy running the meeting opens it by saying: “Thank you all for coming. I wish it weren’t so.” Wait, what? Was another line supposed to be between those two lines, or am I giving the writer too much credit in assuming at one point this dialogue made sense? Well, no matter. What we learn is that the new shark is a baby megalodon but is growing at a ridiculous rate. Also, it’s able to leap out of the ocean to eat fighter jets. Kids these days! And I’m having second thoughts about those lines having once made sense, because the writer has Illeana Douglas say this: “This man’s ignorance about sharks may cause the end of mankind.” Wow. She and a businessman want to catch the shark rather than kill it.

And that big robot? It turns out to be a doomsday device which is somehow able to “blow itself up a thousand times over.” Uh-oh. But it’s not just an indestructible shark and a doomsday robot that our heroes have to worry about. We also have one character who goes a little nutty near the end and becomes the chief villain.

There are some good things here. The mega shark is a playful character, and it enjoys tossing ships out of the water and batting missiles with its tail. And at one point it wears the U.S. flag. How can you not enjoy its antics? Also, the film does have something to say about humanity seeking its own destruction through its creation of weapons like atomic bombs and giant robots.

At the end the Kolossus gets the mega shark in a hug and detonates itself, and that’s it. But wait a moment. Remember earlier, the guy said that the robot was able to “blow itself up a thousand times over.” It’s done it only one time so far. How can anyone think this is the end of Kolossus? Hmm. At the end of the closing credits, we’re given no mention of Kolussus, but are left with this threat: “Mega shark will return.” That leads me to think the next movie will be Mega Shark Vs. James Bond.

Click: The Calendar Girl Killer (1990)

You know a movie is going to be bad when it lists several writers in the opening credits. It took four people to write the screenplay for Click: The Calendar Girl Killer, and two others got “Story by” credits. Holy moly, six people had a hand in writing this thing. This movie also had two directors of photography, and two directors. Uh-oh. It took ten people to do three jobs.

Early on in the film a nut stabs a mirror with a knife, while apparently remembering being yelled at as a child. Oh boy, it’s another one of those movies. Then we go to a party full of models, meaning a lot of people you hope get stabbed soon. Suddenly the party is over, and one whiny model named Nancy is upset because she was knocked into the pool, and is now worried about her image. Alan says to her, “Why not promote your own image?” So she agrees to pose for Jack for a calendar, and we see her in a beautiful fur coat, and the movie has suddenly improved. She says, “I do feel better.” Of course she does. She’s in a gorgeous fur. But soon she has the coat off, and everything else off for that matter.

Jack is creating a calendar called Deadly Weapons, and he compares what he’s doing to Goya and Picasso. Gullible, eager models will do anything, even for creepy photographers with delusions of grandeur. I like that one model’s boyfriend is the voice of reason. He tells her, “I’ll find a girl who’s real.” He doesn’t, however, and instead follows Cindy to Jack’s ranch, where Jack has gathered a bunch of models to shoot his calendar. Every time one of the girls poses for the camera, the worst music begins playing.

Meanwhile some guy is sneaking around, watching the goings on, and taking his own photos. At this point we have no idea who he is, nor do we care. One of the models draws herself a bubble bath, and then while the tub is filling, she applies more lipstick. Odd. But before anyone can ask her why she would do such a thing, she’s murdered. Hurrah! And it only took fifty-four minutes to get to our first murder. And, oh boy, it’s another of those crossdressing killers that we had so many of in movies for a while. He was yelled at as a child, and now he dresses as a nurse. That’s about as deep as this film is going to get.

Anyway, the crossdresser kills some other people, but like most of these films, we don’t really care. And the pacing is all over the place. It feels like scenes are missing, or the filmmakers simply forgot how to build suspense, particularly toward the end. The guy sneaking around turns out to be a private investigator. We know this because he tells two other characters he’s a private investigator. He’s been hired to find Nancy. Remember Nancy? Well, the investigator is there just to provide a bit of exposition. And then he’s killed. There are lots of random explosions, which are perhaps the filmmakers’ way of adding excitement. The killer himself provides more of an explanation as to why he’s a killer, but it’s lame and not at all original

So what is good about this film? Well, I mentioned the model early on wearing a sexy fur coat. And then later the hot blonde wears a cute fur for one shot (by the way, she was in one of the Friday The 13th movies, but not one of the good ones). I also like the anti-smoking message of the fight scene. That’s about it. By the way, Troy Donahue is in this movie. I can never watch him without getting “Look At Me, I’m Sandra Dee” in my head. But I suppose that’s my own problem, and I’ll have to work it out.

Night Club (1989)

Night Club is just awful, an example of the most incompetent filmmaking, from its terrible script to its talentless cast (two of the actors are also partially responsible for the script – oh boy). So a whiny loser named Nick (Nicholas Hoppe) dreams of owning a club. He uses money his stupid wife (Elizabeth Kaitan) inherited in order to attract a bigger investor, who in turn demands his money back before the club even opens. For some reason, Nick and his wife are planning a trip to Europe at the same time, so the club can’t be all that important to him. Nick and his wife argue about sex or something. I don’t know, and it doesn’t matter. Half the scenes turn out to be dream sequences anyway (or even dreams within dreams – ugh), and the other half are musical montages in which Nick rides his bicycle around an empty warehouse. And the whole time you’re just like, “Who gives a fuck if this asshole opens a club or not?” I mean, it’s not like the world is clamoring for another club. And no one in this film is the least bit interesting or likeable, so we’re not at all invested in whether they attain their meager goals. We have no backstory or character development. What we do have is the worst soundtrack ever. The movie is only eighty minutes, but the script doesn’t have even eight minutes worth of material or ideas. And Nick doesn’t even work toward making the club happen anyway. He mostly sits around, caught in dreams or musical montages. Or he drives around. Or he tries working on a novel. Yeah, he wants to be a writer as well as a club owner, but has no talent for either. Anyway, the investor gives Nick twenty-four hours to come up with the money, and like six days later he says it’s been twenty-four hours. When Nick says he needs a couple more days, the investor says: “Fuck, this reminds me too much of high school. Like a bunch of us agreed not to do our homework, and I’m the only one who actually didn’t.” Apparently this is still bothering him. Such a stupid remark, and I get the feeling one of the film’s writers (yes, it took four people to write this thing – the screenplay is by Deborah Tilton and Michael Keusch, based on an idea by Nicholas Hoppe and Bevin Chu) actually had that experience in high school. So sad. But maybe this scene is a dream sequence too. Approximately seventy minutes into this piece of shit, one character tells another, “You’re making this up as you’re going along.” That might be the most honest line in the entire film, and maybe one writer said it to the others. Moments later, a character asks, “Did something happen?” The answer is No. But the movie acts as if something has, trying to make it a Twilight Zone-type thing. So, what’s good? Nothing, really. But much of it is so bad that you’ll be laughing out loud, puzzling at how this film came to be financed.

Bates Motel (1987)

Bates Motel is a made-for-television film, and though it came out a year after Psycho III, it completely ignores both Psycho II and Psycho III, and has Norman Bates die before ever being set free. According to this story, he befriended Alex West (Bud Cort), and left the motel to him in his will. At the funeral, Alex stands up and tells those gathered: “To the world, he was a murderer, but to me, he was my friend. And I only hope that in your lifetimes you will all be lucky enough to have one friend like him.”

Yes, the film at times is a bad comedy. For example, at the reading of the will, the man gives a nice long pause after “being of sound mind.” And the first item bequeathed is a frozen turkey. The old woman who receives it looks up and says “Thank you, Norman.” His record collection goes to a man who taught Norman the Twist. And the man does a little dance move as he collects the records. Norman is spoken of almost as if he were some kind of saint, particularly by Dr. Goodman (Robert Picardo). Then later there is a routine where Alex asks for directions to the motel, and is told by each person in turn that he or she is new to the area and so doesn’t know. We also have Lori Petty dressed up in some kind of mascot costume and living in the Bates house. (Check out the awful score accompanying this scene – and every scene, actually.) And there is – I am not kidding – a 1980s musical montage as workers fix up the motel (including a shot of Bud Cort dusting off one of Norman’s stuffed birds, and a couple of shots of Lori Petty working on a fountain and then giving up and sitting in it, fully clothed).

Alex keeps Norman’s ashes in an urn, and when they finish fixing up the motel he says, “We did it, Norman.” But at first no one stops in, leading Alex and Willie (Lori Petty) to talk about making the sign bigger. Geez, it’s more than an hour in, and you think, “Hey, if there are no customers soon, could you two just kill each other?” Bring on the horror! But first there is the suspense over whether Alex will be able to make the first payment to the bank by the 25th. Willie says, “The 25th? The 25th is tomorrow!” Uh-oh! Sounds like the movie needs another musical montage.

Even though this movie seems to ignore Psycho II and Psycho III, it borrows a scene from one of them – where a woman tries to kill herself in the bathtub and is interrupted. Interestingly, it’s the first halfway decent scene in the film – at least until another guest tries to get her to do the Twist. Yeah, the movie goes off in an odd direction at this point, as teenagers have a 1950s-style party, and get the would-be suicide to join them. Jason Bateman plays Tony, a shy boy who is set up with the woman. Everyone circles around to watch them dance. Meanwhile, Alex is nervous because they’re running out of punch. Oh, the horror! At this point, I just give up. I mean, what the hell is this film doing? Only eighteen minutes left, and there have been no scary moments whatsoever. And why are we focusing on these two new characters so close to the end of the film? They dance once, and then we have a long break-up scene. Seriously, it’s longer than the one dance they shared. “I’ll always be grateful to you,” she says to the boy whom she met only five minutes earlier. Would someone please take a shower?

Anyway, the woman returns to her room and is still intent on killing herself. But the girl appears in the room to stop her. “I don’t get it,” the woman says. Hey, join the club! The girl tells her, “There’s nothing to get.” Ah, now you tell me. That line should have been at the start, as some kind of warning, not eighty-four minutes into the movie. But get this: the girl reveals that she committed suicide herself. “The night of my senior prom. And we’ve come here to tell you that it stinks.” What a great script! What a great message! Suicide stinks. Where is Alex? Hasn’t he finished making the punch? And if these kids are all ghosts, will their money be any good? After all, Alex has to pay the bank $10,000 the next day. So, let’s see. There are twelve cabins. So if each occupant, living or dead, pays $833.33 for the room, everything will be fine.

Well, each ghost introduces himself or herself to the woman. One of them wears a cute angora sweater, which I appreciate. But what the hell? It’s like someone had a vague idea for a Psycho movie and a vague idea for a Twilight Zone episode, and then just put the two together, one after the other, and called it a day.

Anyway, just before the end, we go back to Alex, and there is a Scooby Doo ending. Yup, look, it’s the bad guy dressed in a ghost mask trying to scare Alex off. It is ridiculous. And goddamnit, no one gets killed in this movie. No one even peaks at anyone through a hole in the wall. And at the very end, Alex talks directly to the camera, asking us to come by. “Nobody ever said life was easy. But nothing really worth it ever is. But you know, I think with a little luck, we’re going to do okay here. I think Norman would have liked that. Oh, by the way, if you ever need a room, come on by. Can’t say for sure what you’ll find, but that is what makes the world go round.” What the fuck?

Drink Me (2015)

Drink Me is a suspense film about a gay couple who takes in a lodger after one of them loses his job. It stars Darren Munn as Andy, Emmett Friel as James and Chris Ellis Stanton as Sebastian, the man who comes to stay with them.

The film opens with this line across the screen: “He who is thirsty dreams he is drinking,” a reference to a biblical passage from the book of Isaiah. The first image then is a row of red telephone booths, at a slightly odd angle, with a man approaching. He wears a red hoodie to match the booths, the screen dominated by that bright color. One phone rings. The man steps inside the booth to answer, and someone grabs him from behind. It seems impossible, but it turns out to be a nightmare, so it’s all right. Then during the opening credits sequence, we see two men showering together. These opening shots really tell you what you’re in for. If you're a big fan of dream sequences, odd camera angles and male nudity, then you’ll love this film. Otherwise, probably not.

Andy and James are celebrating their anniversary in their new house, and James proposes marriage. So apparently the anniversary they are celebrating is something other than a wedding anniversary. But Andy reveals that he lost his job the previous day, that his whole department is being let go, and so they can’t afford a wedding. Andy continues to have nightmares, and in each of them he is wearing his red hoodie. Meanwhile there are shots of a man in a grey hoodie jogging and then walking at night, while some eerie music plays.

James has a job, though we never see what it is he does. Mostly what we see him do (when he’s not having sex with Andy) is jog in the woods. Some of the dialogue about James’ work seems a bit awkward, not giving the impression that these two have been together for any real length of time. It just doesn’t feel familiar enough. But it quickly leads to them fooling around anyway. A lot of stuff leads to them fooling around. Anyway, James wants to talk about their budget, and he suggests taking in a lodger until Andy gets a new job. Enter Sebastian. When introduced, Sebastian is asked by James if he wants a drink, and Andy tells him, “He said he wasn’t thirsty.” So right away we associate thirst with this new, strange character. Sebastian says he works the night shift, and is evasive about what exactly it is he does, and though he's creepy, the guys almost immediately invite him to live with them.

This film has quite a bit of bad dialogue. After James and Andy fuck again, Andy says, “I'm scared.” James asks, “And what is scaring you?” Andy replies, “I don't want things to change.” James tells him: “Well, it looks like things have to change. Soon enough, you'll have a new job and things will go back to normal.” But what makes him think that Andy will have a job? He doesn't apply for any jobs. He doesn't make any calls, or answer any ads. And why doesn’t Andy apply for a new job? At one point, a friend calls to offer him a job interview for a receptionist position at a hotel, and it seems he puts all his hope into that one job prospect. But why didn’t he ask his previous employer for recommendations and contacts in his field, whatever that might be? Why is a lodger the rational choice for these two?

Sebastian makes a request of Andy, but the film cuts before we know what it is. But whatever it is, Andy seems off afterwards. Andy then comes into the bathroom while Sebastian is in the shower, claiming he forgot that Sebastian was there.

There are more nightmares, in which Andy wears his red hoodie, and both James and Sebastian wear grey hoodies. And in the morning Andy discovers Sebastian’s dirty laundry, which Sebastian had conveniently and very oddly left on the kitchen counter, a bloody hoodie on top. Who puts his dirty laundry on the kitchen counter? Weird vampire-like lodgers, that’s who. Well, Andy gets nervous and clutches a conveniently placed butcher knife, cutting himself in the process. Sebastian kisses the cut, and that apparently eases Andy's mind, for he doesn't mention the bloody sweatshirt.

Andy, now in a red T-shirt, follows another guy who is also in a red shirt. And there is more red in every frame – in the storefronts, the brick homes and so on. But Andy is not wearing a hoodie, so is this not a dream? He follows the guy all the way home, which seems like something you might do in a dream. And the guy is either amazingly unaware, or aware but interested. Meanwhile James comes home to find Sebastian waiting for him with one glass of wine, which he offers to James. “There’s plenty more where that came from,” he says. So not a limited edition wine, then.

We see a poster for a missing man, which is funny because very early on there was a similar poster for a missing cat. So the two are equated in our minds, maybe both as missing pets. It seems to be the guy that Andy followed. Later there is another missing person poster, this one of a woman named Jackie, whom I'm fairly certain hasn't been in the film at all. She really is missing. Oddly, this poster is on a tree deep in the woods where no one is likely to see it, so clearly her family isn't really all that interested in having her found.

Anyway, if Andy has his red hoodie on, it’s a dream. If he has his red T-shirt on, it’s a dream-like state, but seems to actually be happening. And if he’s in his blue bathrobe, it means he’s in his normal, unemployed state. But what does it mean when he leaves home wearing shorts but returns wearing pants? Later in the film he dreams of himself in his blue bathrobe, breaking the pattern. And at one point he wakes from a dream and puts on his red hoodie. So the switch signifies that his dreams have become reality, and his reality has shifted to dream.

And at one point there is a bunny mask. Why? Why not? There is also a music box that Andy finds and which doesn't play any part whatsoever in the plot. But it plays “Mockingbird,” which isn't such a bad song. This film is more about atmosphere and mood than substance, and includes plenty of male nudity, including a scene of a nude man caressing a tree for some reason. It’s more about odd camera angles than interesting dialogue or character development. But the atmosphere is quite effective at times. You can get sucked into the mood of the thing and forget that nothing has really happened.

By the way, with eight minutes left in the film, James asks about Andy’s job interview, and immediately we learn that Andy didn’t go to the interview. But who cares at this point?

(Note: I posted a slightly different, shorter version of this review on Pop Culture Beast.)