Top Of The Brine (2011)

Top Of The Brine is an odd little entity. This film is a strange collaboration, the product of several film buffs. Done in the manner of the exquisite corpse. Each filmmaker was instructed to do three ten-second shots. At least one of them clearly couldn't follow these simple directions. Each filmmaker only saw what the previous one shot, not the entire piece - and had to continue the story based on what he saw. So of course, there really isn't a story.

But there are some cool shots, and some great moments. The opening is actually pretty cool, with some insane shots of a person's mouth. The movie actually starts with a man being punched until the phone rings. The man doing the punching answers the phone, and says "That's why water is poison," and that leads to the next filmmaker's section. Several shots of water, presumably poisonous - rain, water running in a kitchen sink, a man drinking a glass (this is a filmmaker that did more than three shots).

It's the next section that I love. A man turns off the television (on which the movie thus far has been playing), and then turns to the figure seated next to him and begins sawing his head off. Totally random, deliciously gory, with plenty of blood spurting out. The best bit is when the doorbell rings, the man spits some of the other man's blood out of his mouth. At the door is a bloody (and shaking) package, which one filmmaker gets to open, and which the next filmmaker reveals to be a silly hand puppet. The film went from horror to comedy, with some not-at-all-convincing screaming from a man with his hand taken off.

The final section takes place in what is referred to as "Damon Packard's meth lab." The presence of Damon Packard, playing himself - well, a fictitious twisted version of himself - is wonderful. Most people know Damon Packard from his 2002 film Reflections Of Evil. But he has quite a list of films to his credit, including The Untitled Star Wars Mockumentary (2003) and SpaceDisco One (2007). Anyway, in Top Of The Brine, Damon watches over a couple of topless meth slaves who are mixing chemicals for him in the kitchen. And who is that weirdo in the surgical-looking shorts?

There are seven sections, including the opening/title section. So seven filmmakers. Is the result a film? Not really. But it's only a few minutes long. So relax.

Decadent Evil (2005)

Decadent Evil begins with a voice over and several quick scenes of a hot pianist being turned into a vampire. It makes the movie feel like a sequel to some other film. It seems like the voice over should be saying, "Previously, on Decadent Evil..." Now the pianist is moving to the United States to start her own clan. It sounds like a spin-off. Right?

Anyway, we then have a long terrible scene in a strip club. Some lame guy named Bruce is taking his girlfriend there, though she's not into it. But after all, he did buy her dinner, so what's her problem? One of the strippers gives the girl a free lap dance and then invites the couple back to her house. Or castle. And they go. The girl, whose name is Tami, is still whining that she's not into it. But whatever, she followed a stripper to a castle and is in her bedroom. At this point she should just shut the fuck up. Bruce thinks he's getting a threesome, but what he gets is death. Because the stripper is a vampire.

Decadent Evil would be typical softcore vampire nonsense were it not for Marvin and Ivan. Marvin is this little demonic-looking puppet in a cage. Ivan is a midget vampire-hunter who acts like a film noir detective. He's played by Phil Fondacaro, who is by far the best actor of the film. And he has all of the good lines. Well, all but one. A tied up prostitute has a great line when Marvin climbs into bed with her. She says, "What are you - some little fucked up monkey?" She's curious, but not alarmed. Clearly, this whore has been around.

The two stripper vampires are named Sugar and Spyce. (Yes, "Spyce with a Y," she says.) Sugar is played by Jill Michelle, who is the worst actor of the group. Watch and laugh especially when she tries to keep the main vampire from killing her boyfriend. She just sort of waves her arms above her head for a moment. I watched that bit twice. And laughed both times.

There is a Shakespeare reference in this film. Ivan tells the boyfriend, "I hate to break it to you, Romeo. I think your little Juliet's a vampire."

During the end credits, there is a trailer for the sequel, Decadent Evil II. I've never seen someone put a trailer in the closing credits before. Very tacky. By the way, those closing credits were the slowest-moving credits I've ever seen. The movie was so short that clearly the filmmakers decided to draw out the credit sequence just to add a bit of time.

This movie is included in a two-disc collection titled The Midnight Horror Collection. Eight movies for five dollars at Ralph's. Not bad.

Decoys (2004)

The idea behind this one is pretty good - that squeaky blond sorority girls are actually aliens. It's not that far-fetched. And wouldn't we all prefer to think of these morons as being another species, rather than have to admit to having any similarities to us? And the movie plays for comedy. It makes fun of dumb jocks as well as the sorority girls. Apparently aliens are as shallow as sorority girls, because two of them are actually upset with each other over the selection of this year's Ice Queen.

So anyway, these extraterrestrial bimbos have sex with men and in the process kill them, freezing them from the inside. They're actually trying to mate, to save their species. (That might remind you of another science fiction horror film - and yes, Decoys does owe a lot to Species. That's my polite way of saying that it really rips off Species.)

There is some interesting use of music - songs rather than a score - which also helps to keep this film from being real horror. It's more like some twisted version of a Dawson's Creek episode or something. You'll know what I mean when you watch it.

There are some questionable things in this film. Like, the main guy is a college freshman, so he's 18 years old. But it turns out that he used to date the female detective. When? When he was 15, and she was 28? I was really curious about that, but it's not really explained.

So yeah, this movie is kind of bad. But I really did like it. It doesn't take itself seriously at all. And there are actually some good turns that this film takes that make it feel original. I'm not going to spoil them by mentioning them here. But I was pleasantly surprised.

(This movie reminded me of a song I wrote in the early 1990s. Here are the first few lines:
Squeaky blond sorority girls
Squealing in the sun
What makes them tick?
What makes them talk?
What makes them seem like so much fun?)

Harvest Of Fear (2004)

Harvest Of Fear could have been a pretty good film. The filmmakers certainly put in an effort to set up a town full of suspects. Who is doing the killing? It could be anyone. It could be everyone. Except of course, for the increasing number of dead people - they're probably innocent.

Basically twenty years ago twelve people were killed during Harvest Fest (which is described as being like Spring Break, but just before final exams). And now it's Harvest Fest again. And guess what? There is suddenly a new string of murders. Is there a connection to the other murders? Are the current murders even related to each other? According to the sheriff at the town meeting, "Although there have been nine murders, we're not ready to say that any of this is connected." Okay, then. (I could only remember eight murders, but I didn't go back to the beginning to figure out if I missed one.)

Where the filmmakers don't seem to be trying at all is in being original. Everyone is aware of the murders, and yet couples are still sneaking off to barns in the middle of the night to fuck, like in every other retarded horror film. And then the couple will separate for some lame reason (like so the guy can go get a condom). Over and over we hear, "I'll be right back." Is this a deliberate nod to Scream, or is this just lazy filmmaking? It feels like the latter.

You get this scene multiple times:
GIRL: "What was that?"
GUY: "Nothing." Or, "I didn't hear anything."
Girl and Guy are then murdered by the thing he didn't hear and she couldn't identify.

It's a shame. Because the setting was chosen with care. And they took their time to set up the town really well. But then they just didn't know what to do with it.

But they do give us a good dose of nudity. The first scene has a woman running topless through the woods. (What i didn't like in that scene was the killer smashing an acoustic guitar against a tree. There's no need for that. Kill the woman, sure, but don't destroy a guitar.) At some point in the chase, she manages to put her top back on. But then later we see her at the morgue. She's dead, but once again topless. So for those who like that sort of thing, there you go. Later there is a redhead in a cute sweater, which i appreciated.

By the way, Harvest Fest is totally lame. It's like a dozen people at someone's house, where a few leaves are hung up as decorations. There's not even a band or anything. And yet couples would rather stay for this lame event and risk getting killed than just going to a bar or out to a movie or something. These are people that probably should be killed.

Horrors Of Spider Island (1960)

As far as we know, it's an island, and there certainly is a spider. But horrors? Not really.

The movie begins with a series of dance auditions, but the folks holding the auditions aren't really asking the women to dance. In fact, the first woman that they do ask to dance is a ballet dancer. She tells them right up front that ballet is her area of expertise, so they ask her to dance. And she's good. But when she's finished they tell her they're not looking for ballet dancers. Odd that she's the one they wanted to see dance.

Well, several women are chosen, but their plane crashes into the ocean before they reach their destination. Apparently they all survive, though the stock footage of the plane going down makes it look like everyone was doomed. Anyway, it's been four days, and they're on a raft, hoping a boat will pass by. But guess what, they see land. So they manage to get ashore, but don't bother securing the raft. I guess they figure they'd rather die than get back in that thing and try their luck at sea.

Later they begin to scout the area. The one man in the group - Gary - finds a hammer. That proves the island is inhabitable, he deduces. Then he says, "A hammer with a long handle. It must be for the purpose of excavating some sort of metal, most probably uranium." This is the guy who hires trashy dancers. This is after several days with no food or shelter. And that's what he says. He doesn't seem all that excited about the prospect of civilization. Instead, he shows off his odd knowledge of hammers. But guess what? The island's inhabitant - the professor (where's Mary Ann?) - was finding uranium deposits. But he's dead now. They find him attached to a giant spider web. Uh-oh.

Gary soon gets bitten by the spider. Moments later he is beginning to turn into a spider himself. His transformation, however, only extends to his face and his hands. He runs off into the jungle to get accustomed to his new identity on his own. He does show up again, though, to kill Linda for some reason.

When the others find Linda's body, we get this amazing dialogue:

STUPID GIRL #1: "She's been strangled."
STUPID GIRL #2: "The spider."

Anyway, after one girl is dead and Gary is missing, two guys who work with the professor show up, and the remaining girls decide to play dress-up. Gladys says, "The boys will be surprised when they see how we dressed ourselves up in our island costumes." Indeed. And I was surprised that the girls weren't more interested in getting off the island. They're more interested in fighting over one of the men. One of the girls even professes to be in love with him. Wow, that's fast.

It's interesting too because they establish early on that the food they find in the professor's cabin will last a month. And then later one of the girls says that it's been twenty-eight days. You'd think they'd be concerned with the lack of food and the prospect of dying and all. Oh, also early on there is a scene where the girls fight over the clothes they find in the professor's cabin. Of course none of them ever wear these clothes.

Anyway, the movie ends with Gary running into quicksand. Lame. And the girls get on a boat and sail away. But they probably never got to their dancing gig. And perhaps the boat sank and they had to spend another four days on a life raft, and then starting eating each other. That's how I imagine it, anyway.

Sasquatch (2002)

Sasquatch could have been a better film. It has a decent cast, and a decent premise. A plane has gone down, and after two months, the search has been called off. So Harlan Knowles (Lance Henriksen) assembles his own team to go looking for the plane, because his daughter was on board, as well as a piece of machinery that's important for his company. Each of the characters has his or her own reason for wanting to go on this search, and of course their hunt leads them into the territory of the sasquatch. Sounds okay, doesn't it?

But the problems start right at the beginning. We get lots of exposition, and most of it is given to us twice - first by a news reporter, and then again by one of the main characters. It's not like the information is hard to follow. A plane went down; they couldn't find survivors - we got it.

There is an attractive blonde in the group, and when she goes to her tent to turn in for the night we get some odd softcore porn music as she takes off her sweater and pants. And the camera angles get all weird. Seriously, it's like we're suddenly watching a strip flick, except that she has on another shirt underneath the sweater, and leaves that on. It's impossible to figure out the filmmaker's intentions with this scene, unless it's simply to annoy the viewers.

The blonde keeps hitting on Lance Henriksen. In one scene she mentions something about going to a hot spring that she saw earlier, and wants one of the men to accompany her. One of the other guys jumps at the chance, but she turns him down. So Lance begrudgingly volunteers. Another guy gives Lance a gun in case they're attacked, and Lance says, "If she gets fresh, I'll use it." That's a good bit of dialogue. And there are other nice little moments like that, and a couple of surprising bits, like when they find a gun on the plane, and there is an arm attached to it. And when they stumble upon the sasquatch's stash of goodies. Of course, Lance Henriksen is always good. I particularly like the moment when he's watching the footage his daughter shot on her video camera.

But the editing is all over the place in this film. There are lots of annoying fades that seem to have no purpose. And there is a scene whose editing defies explanation. Lance and another character are talking in the cockpit; then Lance is in the other section of the plane; then they're back in the cockpit, talking; then Lance is outside the plane; then they're back in the cockpit talking. What the fuck is that about? My only guess is that the editor thought that the cockpit scene was too dull, so he spliced in bits from other scenes.

And there are some big leaps - like that the sasquatch would somehow know what the piece of equipment was for. Come on, that's ridiculous. Most of the film's characters don't even know what it's for until Lance explains it to them. And some characters do things you just don't believe at all. Like the blonde - she suddenly decides to steal the equipment and make a run for it at night, even after they've been attacked by the sasquatch. Totally unbelievable, especially considering that she's already gotten what she wanted from Lance.

This is a bad movie that could have been better had the writers done a few more drafts, and the editor not been on heavy medication. (Oddly, the editor also worked on Brothers Bloom, a movie that I absolutely loved.)

Domino (2005)

I had heard that Domino was bad. I heard it was really bad. So I thought I was prepared. But no, this isn't just a bad movie. It's an obnoxious, irritating and pointless pile of garbage. I want to rub Tony Scott's nose in this film, and hit him with a rolled up newspaper. This movie is worse than Showgirls, worse than Black Dahlia, worse than Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle. We're in BAPs territory here.

Rarely is a film this irritatingly bad - so awful that everyone responsible for it deserves a painful death. Seriously. I mean everyone involved - assistant directors, craft service people, the drivers, everyone. Or at least some serious jail time. Tony Scott should be gang-raped in a prison shower. (I'm not kidding.)

The plot? I don't know. Something about a dumb bounty hunter named Domino telling her story to an FBI agent played by the lousy Lucy Liu. And so everything is in flashback, and lines are repeated over and over - not that any of them were interesting the first time around. Images are repeated too. As you watch the movie, you feel like you're actually watching it two or three times through, and that is infuriating because it's not worth sitting through even once. Anyway, there is some stolen money. And a reality show. And an extended scene with Jerry Springer for some reason. And a pointlessly severed arm. (The reason for its being severed is so horribly contrived and stupid that Richard Kelly, the screenwriter, should be forced to submit to dangerous experimental medical tests to redeem himself.) And then at the end of the film they edit in the climactic gun fight from True Romance. Seriously. Watch carefully - that's actually Christian Slater and Patricia Arquette at the end. Pretty sure, anyway.

What's good about it? Nothing. And I mean nothing. Not a single moment, not a single shot, not a single line of dialogue is worth a damn. There is nothing the least bit interesting about this film. It's like the whole movie was an experiment to see what an audience would put up with. Every shot is irritating. Every character is irritating. The whole thing is so contrived and so full of itself. It's like a violent retarded child that you intentionally leave at the park in the hope that someone else will take it in, but no one does, and it keeps showing up at your door demanding attention. Put it down and move on.